Shame
 

Hello friends! I am still doing well and solid in my choice to live (because after my seizure/inpt stay i am convinced to drink is death for me).
My concerns and thoughts for this morning is guilt and shame. I have put my loved ones through so much.
I wonder how others dealt with these feelings and how long it took for you to begin to forgive yourself?
I know everyone is different, only asking for experiences. I know no one can predict my future.
Thanks all, hope everyone is enjoying a great sober day!

I personally try my best just to focus on the future as hard as it seems and forgive myself. With all the stuff I have done it certainly is not easy but I am no good to anyone wallowing in the past and that is a huge cause of relapse. While you can't change the past you can change the present and future by being the best person you can be today and make amends for past deeds where you can that certainly helps with the guilt and shame.

sobriety
working the steps
therapy

Those things were my escape from shame.

:grouphug:

Thanks for the replies.
You are all completely right. The advice is spot on. My family has all forgiven and support me. I have been open about my feelings and it has helped tremendously. Alcohol has always been this dark secret (although not as secret as i would like to have thought). I is such a relief to talk about it openly now.
I think you are right, i am quickly on the path of self forgiveness. It is probably just a normal part of our process. It would seem like if i didn't start with some shame then i probably wasnt being honest with myself about how far down i had gone.
Just thinking out load while enjoying my coffee.
Thanks for taking the time to read it :c007:

Same here. Glad you are sober- for me, to deal with the true problems, as well as the consequences and shame over my actions, I had to start a program and mine is AA. It also takes time- and work- and continuous sobriety.

Keep going.

When I was drinking my cycle was drink and feel good. Wake up, feel sick for a while, then shame and depression. Then I would drink to cure my guilt and depression. I thought drinking could not be bad for me, in fact, it was necessary to cure my guilt and depression. The trick was to drink the exact right amount to cure my guilt and depression, but not to black out, engage in more shameful behavior, and feel like crap in the morning. As you can imagine I failed at drinking the exact right amount hundreds of times. It was painfully obvious that plan was not working, so I tried sobriety.

Now that I am sober I still regret many of my actions when drinking. However, I cannot undo the past. I am also very proud of my behavior over the last 7 months. I am a loving, moral, hard working, person. I am this person, i am not the person who I was drunk.

I dealt with guilt and shame. I didn't do anything consciously to get rid of them, because I didn't know what to do. But the good news is that they became less problematic with time. My guess might be that when you get to a point (like I did), where you can hardly recognize that person you used to be, those things that "other person" did won't matter so much anymore.

If I hurt anyone a long the way, I would make a reasonable effort to fix it if I could.

Toxic shame
 

When we are shamed for simply being human, I define that as toxic. Like crying or wanting love. When you can recognise your pain from perpetual pain, aka, shame, then there is a choice.
I'm sorry for your pain, you are deserving of love. It's your birthright. Forgive yourself as others forgive you 😀

Hi Apri :)

I dunno - the longer I stayed sober the more I naturally focused on the day ahead and beyond rather than the days behind me.

I can never forget the depths, but it's not a load I'm carrying anymore.

I made amends and reparations where I could and for the rest I 'live right' best I can - I still like to think of my life, at least in part, as living amends, if you get me.

I'm a different person now with different outlooks priorities and focus :)

D

stopping drinking was the first step.
much later, i did the AA stepwork, which is in part about clearing up the past things i was guilty of and those that caused me shame.

Your loved ones will be much happier seeing you healthy and sober. That's why they call them loved ones :)

Be proud of yourself every day you don't pick up.

This all makes good sense to me. I need to look forward and not back at who i was prior. The best way to get over the shame is to live my best life. I can make amends by continuing to stay sober and present for those in my life.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply, it was helpful for me:thanks

It took me some time for me to deal with all my negative emotions. Forgiving myself wasn't something I could do quickly or easily. But, it's crucial to your recovery to gradually move beyond those feelings. You're doing great.

[QUOTE=Rd2quit;7194117]When I was drinking my cycle was drink and feel good. Wake up, feel sick for a while, then shame and depression. Then I would drink to cure my guilt and depression. I thought drinking could not be bad for me, in fact, it was necessary to cure my guilt and depression. The trick was to drink the exact right amount to cure my guilt and depression, but not to black out, engage in more shameful behavior, and feel like crap in the morning. As you can imagine I failed at drinking the exact right amount hundreds of times. It was painfully obvious that plan was not working, so I tried sobriety

I have realized that this was me EXACTLY! I was in a downward spiral of self loathing but I’d take a drink to feel better and numb the self loathing. It’s an awful place to be.

Mine also included inpatient (AA based) and outpatient (cognitive based) work, and medical/psychiatry for my dual diagnosis. Sobriety took all of the above plus AVRT, Sober Recovery, and a few dozen other helpful things.

I was a tough study.

To the OP...good luck on your journey. You definitely have the motivation to continue.

Holy cow...... I could write a book on GUILT and SHAME. Interestingly enough, I was convinced for the first several years of my recovery that neither was really much of a thing in my life..... I came to find out however that these two, what are they - emotions, feelings, beliefs, lifestyles...? - had absolutely dominated and darn near controlled nearly every decision I'd ever made going back as far as I possibly could in my life.

Two books really helped me...... and by helped me I mean it felt like they were destroying me as I read them - lol. They did a phenomenal job of waking me up to the reality I was in yet quite oblivious to. They gave me some tips as well but my path out of the guilt/shame hurricane required a fairly hefty amount of work, new considerations, and many many failures.

Anyway, the books are - "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverly Engel and then "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

I almost hesitate to recommend them in that the truths they woke me up to were extreeeemely difficult to accept and even more-so to handle. Thankfully I had some very strong therapists in my life at the time and were it not for them I probably would have been in a lot of trouble - trouble that ultimately could have been very destructive to everyone around me and ultimately to me.

I don't know where you are (mentally, emotionally, etc) but I fancied myself a pretty tough guy - especially mentally and emotionally - and those two books kicked my butt. This stuff is not to be trifled with - for some of us.

-- on the lighter side, this one was reeeeally good and dealt with similar issues: "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?" - by John Powell