How to deal with an addict mother
ChloeBitsy
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
How to deal with an addict mother
For the last few years since she retired my mother has built up an addiction to some sort of medication (xanex or painkillers or both) and alcohol. It all came to a head a couple of years ago and she was sober for about 6 months. She broke it this spring. It gets really ugly and she gets in a very bad way.
she sobered up but has now started drinking and I can only assume the drugs too or they will start again soon anyway.
if it were just her I would just leave her at it (I don’t think you can stop an addict anyway if they don’t want to) but it’s effecting my dad. He’s too old to leave her but has had several heart issues the last few years and he’s just not able for all this crap and it’s not fair on him. He will come to stay with me for few days until she gets it out of her system but it will happen again and again we know that now.
Any advice on how to manage things with her? With my father? We just can’t get through to her and we no longer trust her. It’s ok for me I have my friends and husband but my mum and dad always had quite a codependent relationship (and both enjoyed a drink when they were younger...but my mam could never hold it together - always went overboard and was a messy drunk) and he doesn’t have a group of friends. I have 2 brothers but they live the other side of the world. I personally think he should go live there with them and the grandkids but I think he feels a responsibility for mum.
This is the reason I looked at my own drinking and decided to quit. I’m not taking the chance I end up like that.
Any advice gratefully received
she sobered up but has now started drinking and I can only assume the drugs too or they will start again soon anyway.
if it were just her I would just leave her at it (I don’t think you can stop an addict anyway if they don’t want to) but it’s effecting my dad. He’s too old to leave her but has had several heart issues the last few years and he’s just not able for all this crap and it’s not fair on him. He will come to stay with me for few days until she gets it out of her system but it will happen again and again we know that now.
Any advice on how to manage things with her? With my father? We just can’t get through to her and we no longer trust her. It’s ok for me I have my friends and husband but my mum and dad always had quite a codependent relationship (and both enjoyed a drink when they were younger...but my mam could never hold it together - always went overboard and was a messy drunk) and he doesn’t have a group of friends. I have 2 brothers but they live the other side of the world. I personally think he should go live there with them and the grandkids but I think he feels a responsibility for mum.
This is the reason I looked at my own drinking and decided to quit. I’m not taking the chance I end up like that.
Any advice gratefully received
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome!
It can be so hard when it is so close to home (parents).
I would suggest Alanon, for you and your dad.
Check out the family support group here.
I am a recovering alcoholic, my mom still practices and I had to remove her from my life and my sons.
best of luck,
It can be so hard when it is so close to home (parents).
I would suggest Alanon, for you and your dad.
Check out the family support group here.
I am a recovering alcoholic, my mom still practices and I had to remove her from my life and my sons.
best of luck,
ChloeBitsy
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 8
Thanks all - I have looked at it and will try it I guess but we don’t believe in any sort of higher power or god and i certainly don’t believe we are powerless against alcohol. So when I read the first 3 or 4 steps it doesn’t feel like something I could connect with
i just need some practical advice - like do you do hard love? Try to be understanding even if you have real animosity towards her? Let her do what she wants?
How do you reach people like this?
its so frustrating and depressing. I’m so angry with her for ruining this special time in their lives...retirement, grandkids...my dad has done everything for her and this is how she decides to cap off their lives. She just will not deal with a negative emotion without pouring something on it.
i just need some practical advice - like do you do hard love? Try to be understanding even if you have real animosity towards her? Let her do what she wants?
How do you reach people like this?
its so frustrating and depressing. I’m so angry with her for ruining this special time in their lives...retirement, grandkids...my dad has done everything for her and this is how she decides to cap off their lives. She just will not deal with a negative emotion without pouring something on it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by ChloeBitsy 
but we don’t believe in any sort of higher power or god and i certainly don’t believe we are powerless against alcohol. So when I read the first 3 or 4 steps it doesn’t feel like something I could connect with its so frustrating and depressing. I’m so angry with her for ruining this special time in their lives...retirement, grandkids...my dad has done everything for her and this is how she decides to cap off their lives. She just will not deal with a negative emotion without pouring something on it.
Your dad needs to decide what he's going to 'do', for himself.. You said they've always been codependant,so he knows her and what she's like(probably better than you!)...It's on him to decide what he does,just like it's always been. It's on you to decide what YOU do..and your mother?? Yep..she gets to decide for herself,what she is wanting to do.
That's how much you can control this situation.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
I have to agree with DR and I can see how frustrating it is for you. No one could've made me stop drinking. I had to want to. There's more to it than just not drinking. I really hope your mum comes back to you and your family. Have you considered therapy or counselling if your mum is open to it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Hi Chloe
I'm not in AlAnon but I think the focus in on support there. The focus is on support here too in this forum, and in our Family and Friends forums.
As far as tough love goes, I think it's all about boundaries.
Contrary to what a lot of people think tough love is not about making people do what we want so much as it is making decisions that allow us to step back and protect ourselves from someone else's self destruction.
It's about helping the addict too.
Withdrawing support from the addict is based on the idea that if they have to clean up their own messes they might be more open to the idea of stopping drinking.
From all you've said I'm not sure that your dad will be open to the idea of stepping back?
D
I'm not in AlAnon but I think the focus in on support there. The focus is on support here too in this forum, and in our Family and Friends forums.
As far as tough love goes, I think it's all about boundaries.
Contrary to what a lot of people think tough love is not about making people do what we want so much as it is making decisions that allow us to step back and protect ourselves from someone else's self destruction.
It's about helping the addict too.
Withdrawing support from the addict is based on the idea that if they have to clean up their own messes they might be more open to the idea of stopping drinking.
From all you've said I'm not sure that your dad will be open to the idea of stepping back?
D
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,713
I agree with Dee. Just go to a meeting for support and listen to what the others have to say. You will find strength in the wisdom of those who have been dealing with situation like yours. Have an open mind and you might be surprised at how much knowledge you can gain from being at an AlAnon meeting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I also think that AlAnon would be a good source of support for you. And, setting boundaries that will protect you is something that you can do. I know it must be very hard for your father, but I hope he decides to do what is best for him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, ChloeBitsy.
Welcome.
I too recommend Al-Anon, but I must share with you that when I first starting attending, it was as if everyone there was speaking Swahili!
I had no clue about steps, traditions, qualifiers, etc.
But....I did know that the people there had a calmness and sense of purpose, and I wanted that.
It was a great revelation and comfort to see that others had addict loved ones, but it didn’t define their lives, and that things could on in spite of the terrible toll the addict’s behavior takes on family.
I always, always, always struggled with the concept of higher power, and that’s perfectly okay.
I benefitted mightily from my time in Al-Anon despite not really believing in a higher power or getting a sponsor.
I did eventually come to believe that there is a force greater than me, and that too gave me comfort.
I tried to get my mom—I have an alcohol addicted sib who lives with her—to go to the meetings, but she is of the thinking that she doesn’t want to divulge family “secrets” (she lives in a small town and anyone who cares knows my brother is a drunk, so I don’t think it’s much of a secret, but never mind.) so that was a non starter.
Saying this because your dad may feel the same way.
I will close by saying that no mater how you decide to do it, seek help for yourself.
Your father has made his choice, and it is his to make.
My mother had several opportunities to step away from my hot mess of a sib, but she never could.
I have had to accept that sad reality, and I hear you about resentment and anger.
Al-Anon can help with that, btw.
Good luck.
Welcome.
I too recommend Al-Anon, but I must share with you that when I first starting attending, it was as if everyone there was speaking Swahili!
I had no clue about steps, traditions, qualifiers, etc.
But....I did know that the people there had a calmness and sense of purpose, and I wanted that.
It was a great revelation and comfort to see that others had addict loved ones, but it didn’t define their lives, and that things could on in spite of the terrible toll the addict’s behavior takes on family.
I always, always, always struggled with the concept of higher power, and that’s perfectly okay.
I benefitted mightily from my time in Al-Anon despite not really believing in a higher power or getting a sponsor.
I did eventually come to believe that there is a force greater than me, and that too gave me comfort.
I tried to get my mom—I have an alcohol addicted sib who lives with her—to go to the meetings, but she is of the thinking that she doesn’t want to divulge family “secrets” (she lives in a small town and anyone who cares knows my brother is a drunk, so I don’t think it’s much of a secret, but never mind.) so that was a non starter.
Saying this because your dad may feel the same way.
I will close by saying that no mater how you decide to do it, seek help for yourself.
Your father has made his choice, and it is his to make.
My mother had several opportunities to step away from my hot mess of a sib, but she never could.
I have had to accept that sad reality, and I hear you about resentment and anger.
Al-Anon can help with that, btw.
Good luck.
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