Squall701

Well...I haven't made it today. I'm new to this site but I have read things on here many times without joining. I guess I wanted to feel numb to everything as usual today. I just don't know. I felt lonely. I also felt strange about reading spiritual posts and all the helpful things that help you and I guess Im scared of the amount of effort that it takes , etc. I'm not sure why that makes me cringe. The times I make it a few days , I just want to be isolated and hide from everything and everyone. I have tons of anxiety when I try to quit , and the insomnia kicks my rear most of the time. I get pretty angry at the world too when I quit and I just feel like everything is so pointless....so much bs to deal with , and it wears me down. I can't afford treatment or afford to be away. I understand I have to want to quit but I feel like I can't step away for a minute from myself to heal. Did anyone else feel this way ? Like there wasn't time to quit even though that makes absolutely no sense at all !? Last part , I'm at this point in my drunken stupor these days that I feel like I'm really reaching out and trying to feel important to people, but making a fool of myself in the process all the while I'm just craving help . I'm very sorry for the long post. Anxiety , here I come for posting 😏. I'm hitting submit

snitch

Hi Squall and welcome to SR. Well done for posting! That's the hard bit over. Yes I can totally identify with what you have written. I felt the same. Like I needed "time" to quit. Time away from everything and everyone. Oh how great it would have been (or at least I made it in my head to be) to be taken to a rehab retreat somewhere sunny for 3 months away from the world. But as a single, working mum of a 6 year old (5 at the time) that wasnt really an option for me but I get what you are saying. It's like how can I focus on both recovery and still get on with life at the same time?

I also completely get the drinking to escape, to just numb, to flee from anxious and overwhelming feelings. I was drinking for all those reasons. Hell, I wanted to drink yesterday because of those reasons. All the time I too was trying to reach out. I was dying inside. But no one could see it because for me, not saying you are here, I was a mean and bitter drunk and ended up pushing people away when all I really wanted was help and support.

I haven't had a drink for 13 months. I got myself onto SR and into AA. Both have saved my life. I have to work on my recovery every day. It was hard in the early days for me but I made not picking up a drink, one day at a time, my main priority. Some days I just went through the motions. Get up, get daughter to school, get to a meeting, come home, nap, pick daughter up, make dinner, go to bed early. As long as I got my head on the pillow sober, it was a good day. Not easy, but worth it.

There is so much experience, help and support here. If you make recovery your number one priority you can and will be able to do this.

🙏♥️🙏♥️

Dee74

Hi Squall

Getting sober is an effort for sure - but look at how much of an effort drinking is...

thinking about it, obsessing about it, getting the booze, drinking it, trying to keep the bad consequences to minimum , dealing with injuries, blackouts and hangovers...

Drinking's hard work too - sober, the initial transition is tough but generally I think not drinking is way easier.

I know where I'd rather put my effort.

did you have a plan for staying sober?

D

bexxed

I felt that way for years, coming here, quitting a few days, sometimes weeks, and then picking up again for months and years, rinse, repeat.

And when I did finally succeed, I wasn’t exactly a Chatty Cathy out in the world, either. And you know what? I’m still not. I’m very comfortable with that. It’s who I am, kind of introverted. The difference is that I like myself now a lot more.

DontRemember

EVERYONE in most sections of this site have either been where you are mentally or are there now. Quiting drinking was scary as hell to me and that's when I knew what it felt like to be addicted to a substance. Had talked to friends while they were dealing with addiction,but I didn't "get it". It's a scary/lonely place to be for sure. There's help and understanding here and there's also free F2F help.

The most important thing, no matter what, is to not take that first drink.

ImNotThatGuy

Hey Squall, sorry to hear you didn't make it this time. Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all been there.

I am very early in this process myself and fully aware of how tough the first few days are. Days 3 and 4 were the hardest for me. Closing out day 5 now and feeling 100+ percent better. Try again. You can do it if you really want to, and it will be well worth those first few awful days.

If you're uncomfortable with the spiritual tools that so many use (I am too, not that I'm opposed), look up AVRT.

Good luck. Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Squall701

I really appreciate everyone's comments. I'm still in it and plan to start day one tomorrow but I'm doing my homework on the comments here. I'm 15 beers in and hopefully will pass out by 20. Just being honest. Ok so ...Imnotthatguy I might look into that . I'm new to everything , especially this, but I'm ready to try anything honestly. DontRemember , is F2F friend to friend ? I'm not allowed to chat here until 15 days on if I understand correctly , but I'm so ready to talk to ppl like everyone here, I am actually tearful about this. I think I'm home honestly . Bexted. I don't remember if I'm quiet or outgoing anymore. It's been ten years of pretending for me...the first five years easy , the next 5 horrible , 30 pack of beer days and ppl asking me on the phone why I'm slurring words. It's hard for me to be around ppl and wonder if they think I'm different than before . My mother in law comments already if I'm too quiet .. just scary to adjust to. Dee, my plan is to try to make sober friends here and isolate myself from my friends left in my life. I'm kind of paying more attention to my wife's expressions about all of this. It kills me all things I've done but I'm trying to pay attention to the realization of what I've done. I honestly just plan to stay busy as possible but the withdrawals are horrible. I have everything except dt's. Hallucinating At night , sweats , shakes .. everything. And finally , snitch. You hit home. I'm a stay at home dad. I have two , almost 5 yr old and a 3 yr old. I want the best but routine is routine. They know beer is daddy's ....that kills me. I included everyone that commented because I appreciate all of your comments. Sorry for the long responses ! If I can respond easier please let me know.

Dee74

Do yourself a favour and cut your losses at the 15 or so you've had already Squall.
Make a bold statement, intent-wise.

You'll thank yourself tomorrow.

D

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome to the posting side of things, glad you did.
f2f means face to face, like AA or therapist.
You are very self-realized.
You realize you have a problem. You realize you are having trouble stopping this problem and you may need help but don't know how to go about getting, or are willing, to get this help.

You're consuming quite a bit of beer. So did I. For the last twenty years of my drinking career.
Maybe you could start by seeing a doctor? Some of us need help with the withdrawal.
And anxiety is a very common thread in these parts. I had it so bad once, after a binge, I hid in a closet.
So I drank to quell the anxiety when it was the drinking, or lack thereof, that was causing the anxiety. The oh so common vicious cycle.
I really want to say, 'come on man, give your sober self a chance'. Is that rude? Dunno. Sorry if it is.
It was day four for me. Felt better, hangover gone, anxiety gone and hey! I can drink again. And I did. For thirty five inglorious years.
The last ten being a waking nightmare of survival drinking that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Talk about fear and anxiety. Every day. Ten years.

Save yourself some misery and take action now. In whatever form that may be. You came here, and there are folks who are abstaining by coming here alone.
Do what it takes. I know how you feel and you don't have to live like this.

snitch

Morning Squall. I can imagine you are not going to be feeling too good this morning. The good news is you need never drink again and therefore never feel as bad as you will do today again.

Please, please try to not be too hard on yourself. Us alcoholics tend to beat ourselves to within an inch of our lives over what we have done to others and to ourselves I learnt in recovery that I was not a bad person trying to be good, I was a very sick person and now I am getting well. Everything else comes in time, I promise, I can tell you this because I have experienced it myself now.I could not stop drinking. My own beautiful daughter did not have the power to stop me. My last "drink" was a 10 day binge mixed with benzopadimes that nearly killed me. I had to fully surrender to the fact that alcohol was going to kill me and I had to accept what I was, an alcoholic, that can never drink moderately or safely. One day at a time.

Just get through today, all you have is today don't think about tomorrow yet get through today and get to bed sober tonight. Stay close to SR. You are still alive and breathing, there is hope!!

kk1k5x

The cycle is so vicious, because we drink, then sober up and hate ourselves for it, then to still the anxiety, we drink again. And on it goes. That's why it's so important to break the cycle and why it's also important to just let yourself be, don't beat yourself up. We cannot travel back in time to make different choices. But we can choose what we do today and how we think about what we're doing.

Hope you feel better and will break the cycle. Family is super important. From my experience, they respect actions more than words - especially with people that have our troubles. So, get doing once things clear up and stay strong!

Squall701

Just finished my three mile run and 75 push ups. Whew! Let's get this day started ! Haha you all know THATS a lie! I'm hooked on all of your words. This is going to be fantastic to be able reach out here. I promise each and every one of you that took the time to respond to me , that today is my day one ...and I will not take a drink today !!!

bexxed

The first few days can be hard. Come here and post often. The monthly classes can be helpful. Maybe start posting in the May class?

NerfThis

Welcome Squall and congrats on day one! Your user name makes me wonder if you're a Final Fantasy 8 fan by any chance?

The first few days are really tough, as all the symptoms such as strong anxiety, depression about our drinking problem and the things we've said and done etc are still strong. It takes a lot of strength to not reach for a bottle and try to make all that stuff go away.

Get through these first few days and you'll realize how much all those feelings you're trying to numb through alcohol naturally reduce.

Ghostlight1

I actually do that. Only it's ninety minutes on the bike and 180 push-ups and 180 sit ups. Not every day, but every third.

Best to you on day one, Just don't drink today, Then try again tomorrow.
If you don't have that first beer you can't have the twentieth.
You can do it.

MLD51

I hope this really is your last day one, Squall. A word of caution - with the amount you have been consuming, pay careful attention to your withdrawal symptoms, and go to the ER immediately if you feel in danger. Detoxing on your own can be dangerous. Not trying to scare you, but pay attention.

Anxiety. I'd say almost all of us here have gotten stuck in the "drink to relieve anxiety, cause more anxiety with alcohol, drink to relieve anxiety, and so on..." vicious cycle. I sure did. I was even diagnosed with anxiety disorder and was on anti-anxiety meds for a few years before I quit. Which didn't work very well, because they don't if you are drinking. I lied about my consumption to my doctor and my therapist, but not once did either of them mention the fact that alcohol exacerbates anxiety. Not that I would have listened... Anyway, about 6 months after I quit drinking, I weaned off the drugs and I discovered that my anxiety was pretty much gone. No more hyperventilating and panic attacks. So hopefully you will notice the same, if you can get a few months of sobriety under your belt.

Happyvale

That is beautiful to read. You can do this.... you can. Please take heed of the comments addressing your level of dependence and the withdrawal dangers you may encounter. There are sooooooo many folks here who have lifted their head up and out of the hell you are currently in.

So glad you joined this crew. Bright blessings and strength on your day 1.

Squall701

I knew someone would catch it. Yes , Final Fantasy 8 and 9 were my favorites.

NerfThis

Haha that's awesome! I absolutely loved 8, but it's actually the only one I've played. I did a sketch of Zell recently. First time I'd drawn him in decades

Hope things are going well with you.