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Dealing with Family Issues

Old 05-22-2019, 06:07 AM
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Dealing with Family Issues

Lately I've been trying to deal with issues involving my family. When I'm around my parents and siblings I get a lot of different feelings. I feel alone, unwanted, unappreciated, not good enough, awkward and a deep sense of not belonging. The dynamics in my family are disturbing to me. I'm not sure if it's just me being overly sensitive (I am very sensitive), but when I'm with my family I feel like it's a popularity contest...who has the best kids...the best job...the most money...who's the smartest? I never win these contests which leave me feeling the way I do. And I feel like I can never be my real self around them. I always am very guarded and quiet because that's what has kept me from getting hurt. My parents I seem are more interested in my other siblings and their lives than me. Again, maybe it's just me? I want to get over these feelings and be myself but I'm not sure how when I constantly feel disrespected and hurt.

My youngest sister recently got married. At the wedding all of my siblings were smiling and having a great time and I felt nothing but awkwardness. My parents were emotional and I'd never seen my dad cry or be emotional. This made me feel very confused, since I've never felt any kind of love from him.

And then a few days ago I get a message from my sister that she's throwing me a birthday party. That's great and everything, but come to find out she told my husband she thinks I'm not feeling loved and special, and I looked that way at the wedding. Now my family is liking all my things on facebook and wanting to throw me a pity birthday party and once again I'm feeling like the odd ball, crazy one, that everyone feels bad for.

Whew. Sorry that's a lot. I just had to get it out somehow.

Any advice?
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Old 05-22-2019, 06:17 AM
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It sounds like your family loves you. I wish somebody would throw me a party because they noticed that I was feeling down.

I'm no shrink, but it looks to me like you have to work on your own sense of self-worth and stop comparing yourself to others. In my own life I've found that to be a slippery slope. There's always someone richer, better looking, more talented -- whatever. If you spend a lot of time on "social" media, you can easily fall into that trap of comparing yourself ot others. Just do you. Unplug for a couple days and get some exercise, do some thinking and meditating.

Good luck.
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Old 05-22-2019, 06:51 AM
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I could relate to the first part of your post. I feel that way too. My family is dysfunctional and alcoholic. So its pretty much a mess. I have learned that I will never be able to change the dynamic. I also have learned that I truly despise who I become in the dynamic. I am part of the dysfunction and it bugs me so much because I seem almost incapable of changing how I respond and react. The best I can do is try to stay detached. But its really hard. Definitely an Achilles heel for me. And I moved pretty far away, across a couple of states, am rarely involved with more than my parents, and it STILL makes me a nut if I have to engage. So while, yeah, I have some scars and some trauma, its on me as an adult to change. its just very hard. I'm like an angry, neglected little 8 year old all over again.

The second part of your post has never happened for me. They 'notice' you. They are reaching out. That is huge. I mean, I think. Only you know how your family works, sort of, but it sounds to me like they do care, they do notice and they are actually trying to show you they love you? Right? You said you've never 'seen' love from your father but maybe the love is there, he just sends it in a way you don't know how to receive. They say there are 'love' languages (there's a book about it)...maybe you send and receive love differently? I dunno. But they are trying. And the fact that they noticed you seemingly dejected at a wedding and didn't turn that against you (that would be my family) seems pretty sincere? Anyway, maybe just try to receive their love.
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Old 05-22-2019, 06:52 AM
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I think your family loves you, too. I think they may not show it often, but that's the case in many families. I think it's sweet that they noticed you felt down at the wedding, and decided to try to offer support. Stop for a moment and appreciate that, and accept that you deserve this support. As far as the competitive aspect, step away and refuse to allow yourself to be drawn in. It's pointless.

I wonder if, like me, your perception could be skewed towards negativity. That's something I have to work on all the time. Try to shift your thinking and pick out positive and kind interactions with your family.

There are many books that can help you shift your thinking:

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel Amen
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer
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Old 05-22-2019, 06:57 AM
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I feel the same way, and my family is also the same.
I go there only once or twice a year, for my sanity. I only surround myself with people I like to be around. 95% of the time. The other 5% is work events and family events.
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Old 05-22-2019, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by entropy1964 View Post
I'm like an angry, neglected little 8 year old all over again.
Nailed it.

The second part of your post has never happened for me. They 'notice' you. They are reaching out. That is huge. I mean, I think. Only you know how your family works, sort of, but it sounds to me like they do care, they do notice and they are actually trying to show you they love you?
"They," being the only sister I feel any connection with, and that connection is only slight. She is the one throwing the party. She is a huge sweetheart and notices things that most of my family doesn't. I do appreciate her. But God I hate pity parties. I wish I hadn't heard the reason was because of how I was portrayed at the wedding. I wish it was just because it's my birthday, you know?
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Old 05-22-2019, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17 View Post
I feel the same way, and my family is also the same.
I go there only once or twice a year, for my sanity. I only surround myself with people I like to be around. 95% of the time. The other 5% is work events and family events.
Yep. I try to stay away as much as possible, except my family insists on getting together every month for parties, cook outs, etc. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between them genuinely wanting to spend time with family (me) and them just being controlling. I've always felt controlled by them. Ask my husband, I do not like being controlled by anyone. :p

The good party is my friends/colleagues think I'm pretty amazing and I've never felt that before. That's part of the reason I love my job so much. People respect and appreciate me, and laugh at my bad jokes rather than glare at me like a freak.
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Old 05-22-2019, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I wonder if, like me, your perception could be skewed towards negativity. That's something I have to work on all the time. Try to shift your thinking and pick out positive and kind interactions with your family.
Perhaps. I know that I need to work on finding positive things in my family, but it's hard to do that when you always have your guard up. I wish I could have enjoyed the wedding like everyone else, but I didn't. I felt weird and uncomfortable the entire time.
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Old 05-22-2019, 07:44 AM
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Do you think it would help if you stepped back from dealing with your family for awhile? Maybe some distance would allow you to feel better. I do think the birthday party is a kind gesture, but I had to step away from toxic parents in order to heal and to continue my recovery. So, do what's best for you.
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Old 05-22-2019, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Do you think it would help if you stepped back from dealing with your family for awhile?
I think so. Maybe after the birthday party I'll take a break from them and from social media too. I do need to clear my head. The issue I'm going to have is that they are going to plan a bunch of family things, send me a million group messages on facebook, and if I don't go/respond they are going to ask me a bunch of questions, call me a zillion times, and think I'm all "cuckoo for cocoa puffs" again (I am, by the way, lol). I need some space, ugh.
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Old 05-22-2019, 08:39 AM
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Sounds like maybe they’re all huge extroverts and you’re an introvert? And it sounds like you’re an HSP (highly sensitive person) as well. I’m both plus I’m an empath and it’s a real challenge sometimes... I sympathize.

If you do some research on those traits it might really help you understand why you react to them this way (and vice versa). More importantly, it may help you find ways to protect and value who you are.

It may not be personal...it may just be that they are different and don’t understand how much.
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Old 05-22-2019, 10:02 AM
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any chance you're a middle child?

i think it's "good" that you are noticing all these feelings and considering where they come from. it's really ok to back away from "family" stuff and to not feel like you "fit in". better than trying to artificially make yourself into what you think or sense you need to be in order to be "one of them".

be you. always.
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Old 05-22-2019, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
any chance you're a middle child?

i think it's "good" that you are noticing all these feelings and considering where they come from. it's really ok to back away from "family" stuff and to not feel like you "fit in". better than trying to artificially make yourself into what you think or sense you need to be in order to be "one of them".

be you. always.
Yes, I am a middle child. I'm also a female and a cancer as well. A recipe for emotional disaster! lol
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by secretchord View Post
they are going to plan a bunch of family things, send me a million group messages on facebook, and if I don't go/respond they are going to ask me a bunch of questions, call me a zillion times
This is where self-care is important. You don't need to answer every phone call from family members. You don't need to answer any phone calls for awhile if you don't want to. You need to do what is right to take care of you.
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:37 AM
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Yeah I understand the pity party thing. I invite you to consider that at least a part of this is how you view yourself within the family. But hey, who am I to advise? I know for a fact I play the scapegoat. I'm the mirror that no one wants to look in. I will always be the baby, the nut job, the drunk, crazy, and FEMALE. No matter what I do, that will never change. AND the biggest part of it is ME. I can't seem to change my behavior in relation to them. I have pigeon holed myself as much, or more really, than they do. And I know for a fact that they don't think about any of 'this', or me for that matter, as much as I do. I am quite sure that each child in my large family has experienced the 'family' differently depending on their role. Even our memories of the same events are different (and of course mine are wrong...haha)...it is very interesting.

So all I can do is stay away. Its survival. I moved far away so I wouldn't have to deal with exactly what you discuss....the invites, the calls. Now my family isn't anywhere near as 'connected' as yours appears to be. But I missed an awful lot because of all this....and I regret some of that. But really, there was no choice at the time and there still isn't.

You can choose to distance if you want. You just have to decide for yourself who you are, what you are, and how you feel about yourself. You have to write your own narrative and stop letting the fam write it for you. Its really hard.
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by entropy1964 View Post
Yeah I understand the pity party thing. I invite you to consider that at least a part of this is how you view yourself within the family. But hey, who am I to advise? I know for a fact I play the scapegoat. I'm the mirror that no one wants to look in. I will always be the baby, the nut job, the drunk, crazy, and FEMALE. No matter what I do, that will never change. AND the biggest part of it is ME. I can't seem to change my behavior in relation to them. I have pigeon holed myself as much, or more really, than they do. And I know for a fact that they don't think about any of 'this', or me for that matter, as much as I do. I am quite sure that each child in my large family has experienced the 'family' differently depending on their role. Even our memories of the same events are different (and of course mine are wrong...haha)...it is very interesting.

So all I can do is stay away. Its survival. I moved far away so I wouldn't have to deal with exactly what you discuss....the invites, the calls. Now my family isn't anywhere near as 'connected' as yours appears to be. But I missed an awful lot because of all this....and I regret some of that. But really, there was no choice at the time and there still isn't.

You can choose to distance if you want. You just have to decide for yourself who you are, what you are, and how you feel about yourself. You have to write your own narrative and stop letting the fam write it for you. Its really hard.
Everything I needed to hear. I can tell you've been (or still are) where I am. I hate that I am two different people and I wish I could just be one, myself. And to be myself around my family would be great, but that would involve hurt and rejection.

It's not really even about what happened when I was little. I know parents mess up. Hell, I've done things as a parent I already regret and hope to God I don't scar my child. Nobody is perfect. To me, it's about how things continue to be unhealthy that bothers me. My opinion never matters. A couple years ago I called my parents out on how they were treating my youngest sister for being pregnant out of wedlock. I approached them in a kind manner and told them how I felt and was quickly attacked and disrespected for my opinion. I still haven't forgotten the way they spoke to me that day. I was proud of myself though, even though it turned into an ugly mess by them. I stood up for my sister and told them they were wrong to treat her like they were, referring to my now niece as something less beautiful than she is. It disgusted me.
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Old 05-22-2019, 12:51 PM
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Change your thoughts!

For me I feel so much inserured and lonely .
I saw my childhood and found that my parents were lone there and I didn't have extended family .Since them I used to feel that we have no one to support.I developed an insecured life .Gradualy I made a belief that I am not social ,not supported.Now I am surrounded by educated , successfu and supporting l siblings but I still feel so much lonely.I started questioning me and found that childhood belief is deepened to.me.
Now I started to change my beliefs.To change a belief we have to change our thougts process.
How to change a thoghts ?
Read out books and listen to podcasts regarding how to change a thought?
-Do some meditation.
-make some positive affirmations that works for you and shout out loud time to.time or visualize on your mind until they become your belief.
others tools you can use to change your thoughts pattern.
-try to google how can we change our beliefs ?
That tools that I am using and comforting myself.Thay may take time but they will work.
take care !!
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Old 05-22-2019, 02:17 PM
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Yep I do relate. I'll make a very long story short: I have been planning to move back to my folks home for some time, to care for them as they both have dementia now. Weeelllll, what an absolutely horrible idea that was/is. And it has taken a year for me to figure this out. Its complex, for sure. But I figured out during my last 3 week stay in March that a large reason I wanted to do this was to be the hero. To swoop in and save the day. Show everyone just how 'competent' I am. Oh Gawd, what was I thinking? I mean, yes, I wanted to do it because I want to be of service. But I truly didn't see this inner motivation. And what a lose lose. No one gives a crap about me. Hero or not. I will never be anything more or less than I am to them. So, guess what? Its up to me to stop giving a rats azz about what they think. But that seems to be impossible. So, out comes the 8 year old kicking and screaming, simply proving my well earned title. I mean, its a lose lose. So I am waiving the white flag yet again and staying the h-e-ll away. I mean, I'm visiting in June. Where I'm going to tell two of the band of brothers that my move is a no go. And I have excellent reasons not to move.....so no problem there. Ugh.

Good for you for standing up for your sissy, black sheep that you are. Or maybe black sheep and scapegoat. But hero and golden child I will never be. You shinned a light on your parents thinking....you were the mirror. No one likes to see themselves being ugly....so of course, its all on you. If you choose it to be. Or maybe, you just scare them?

I had to talk to 2 of my brothers while I was visiting in March about a lot of serious concerns with respect to my parents. Literally they sat far away from me...like I might bite. I thought "look at this body language". At first I was sort of salty over it. And then I realized, I scare them. And it was the body language of teacher to students. I realized my perceptions might not be right at all......

Hmmmmm.
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Old 05-22-2019, 02:48 PM
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Without sounding rude, your family can’t win by the sounds of it, when they are not showing you attention you want it, now they are with a party you don’t want it, perhaps talk to them and let them know what you would like from them
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Old 05-22-2019, 05:32 PM
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I feel you SO MUCH. Your family more than loves you, they CARE enough to want to make you happy.
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