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Old 05-14-2019, 10:42 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Two years sober on May 9.

My journey went from near death to inpatient to psychiatric treatment to AA to outpatient to a lot of self work on my health and body to individual therapy. I'm not an AA person but found it very useful in early sobriety. Also tried and liked Smart Recovery and use the principles of AVRT.

The core actions that have kept me rock-solid sober were truly realizing in my gut that I've been an addict/alcoholic all my life and that the periods of sobriety were respites only. So I really cannot drink or take a sedative like Xanax at all. Ever. No coke or other addictive drugs either. Then I defined myself as a non-drinker, and made a commitment to never taking a sip of alcohol again, or I'd end up where I was. AA would call that surrender, and to a degree I agree. If I take one sip of alcohol it can and probably will take over. My power is not ever taking that sip. Then I did everything I could to insure that I'd stay that way.

Once you have some time under your belt, you can get a realistic perception of drugs and alcohol. How great is that buzz anyway? It's not really all that to anything else other than the tiny lizard brain/id. Were I a 12 Stepper my higher power is my higher brain functions in the cerebral cortex. The addictive voice and the alcohol buzz are in far more primitive parts of my brain, unfortunately they are tied up with survival, as I believe they are with nearly every addict. I found that after a bit of sober time, looking at the cravings objectively revealed how small and fragile they actually are.

You can do this, lots of us have. Use the community, make the commitment, and use whatever resources work to get and stay sober.

It's pretty simple, actually. It's just not easy.

One exercise I found really useful was to make the following four lists:

The Pros of Drinking
The Cons of Drinking
The Pros of Not Drinking
The Cons of Not Drinking

Try it if you like.

How is Day 3?
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Old 05-14-2019, 11:12 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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How our brains evolved that way to depend on such an unreliable source of direction is hard to fathom, but here we are as alcoholics trying to make the most of it, which makes walking away from alcohol the challenge that it is. But it can be done.
This was also echoed by the acknowledgment of the lizard brain and its impulses, detachment from rational learning etc. I personally believe it is knowledge like this that forms at least the beginning of freedom.

And ‘just for today’ makes sense to me, but only if I am struggling. If not, ‘just never, along with all this good future planning’ makes sense too.

Thanks for asking how day 3 is. My health is coming back again, my calmness coming back again, and surrender is something I have already begun. It is the only way. My hope and belief is that daily practice plus time = full recovery. Whilst I understand the snake of temptation will perhaps always lie dormant, I don’t subscribe to the ‘lifelong disease’ model; not if you to the point where you are no longer dis-eased by it!

I had a low moment yesterday, in the shop buying lunch. Saw the alcohol aisle, and again had that ‘bite’, “well, you’ve ruined that now”. Only a few days out, cravings can happen, but I also know from experience that a few months out, I don’t get those anymore. They slowly turn to revulsion of alcohol.

I have started making a vision board of all the things I want to materialise in my life. Focusing on those, not focusing on not drinking, makes a lot of sense to me.

Thank you everyone for your contributions. Recovery seems to be such an individual thing that it never ceases to amaze me how different it is the things that finally work for people. But there are patterns, and I guess that is why we are here.

Am I good to leave the more ‘journal’ aspects in this thread? It will be great to be able to look back to post 1 after a while and see what people said and how things changed.
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Old 05-14-2019, 11:35 PM
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Am I good to leave the more ‘journal’ aspects in this thread? It will be great to be able to look back to post 1 after a while and see what people said and how things changed.
You can post whatever you like Rick.

D
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Old 05-15-2019, 06:02 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by rick2019 View Post
I don’t subscribe to the ‘lifelong disease’ model; not if you to the point where you are no longer dis-eased by it!
I haven't kept up with the current literature, but 20 years ago the disease concept was still in dispute. The AMA did include it on their disease list, but not without criticism from those who claimed it was done so Doctors could get paid by insurance. I never understood why the label was necessary. Doctors treat broken legs, which are not a disease, and insurance pays for it. Disease or not, whatever alcoholism is, it's life threatening and accounts for a huge amount of absences at the work place. Labels don't change the recommended courses of action, although it may open the door to government funded research.

Is alcoholism lifelong? There is a general consensus that it is, with but a minority of knowledgeable skeptics. I can't speak from personal experience, so I don't know if I could now start drinking normally. And based on general consensus, it's not worth the risk of finding out. I personally believe (not the same thing as knowledge) that it is lifelong, because I've heard enough stories of old timers taking up the bottle after 25 years, and not being able to quit again. Also, I have no desire to drink anymore, so even experimenting wouldn't provide me any enjoyment. It maybe that some alcoholics can return to normal drinking. But has something changed that one would expect a different outcome? One might hope (not the same thing as an actual result) to drink normally again, but I doubt that it's in the cards for most alcoholics.
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Old 05-15-2019, 07:00 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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There is nothing in my experience that says I can return to it.

The Sinclair Method seems to reduce many people down to acceptable levels, but you have to take naltrexone before every drink for the rest of your life. So that isn’t a ‘cure’, either.

Regardless....I think all of us would agree a life worth having with rarely a thought to alcohol is cure enough.

I just went to the supermarket again. It’s a sunny day; immediately my felt sense is that there is this “whole world” cut off from me. I do self enquiry meditation, and so I (uncharacteristically) asked “who is it that wants this?”

Seeing as I can witness the one who wanted it, who played out the memories and fantasies....then it is certainly not all of me. And immediately parts of me filled the space; ones that remembered how much they didn't want so much of what comes with alcohol, alcoholic or not.

All of that without actively trying to convince myself of anything. Amazing, really.
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:06 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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So, perhaps that inevitable moment has come already.

Deep, very painful conflict about not being able to drink moderately. To be part of the “normality”, to be able to cosy up with significant others in nice places and enjoy the romance, comradeship and feeling of sharing good times with significant others...man, it hurts.

And this is despite me sitting down, closing my eyes and trying to remember all the “illusions” of alcohol that I can sometimes so eloquently explain to others. The detailed books I read, willingly bringing to mind even the recent chaos...willingly bringing to mind the benefits that sobriety can bring (increased confidence, remembering the social event, better health, more money, no regrets...the list goes on).

It doesn’t seem to matter. I can’t let go of the research that naltrexone extinguishes binge drinking behaviour in 80%+ of people over the course of 3-8 months. I want to be one of those people, even though I know its not a magic pill and still requires effort and risk.

I met a girl at the weekend. I told her everything about my experiences with alcohol, and she was exceptionally cool about it. But there is a local festival on this weekend, and we are going now; the idea that I can’t be that regular guy...it is just tearing me up today.

I have already decided, ahead of time, “not this weekend”. I would need to get a new script of naltrexone anyway, and I don’t think even I have the balls to try it without.

I am deliberately bringing contradictory points of view to every benefit I can think of, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My brain retorts, if true moderation can be brought about, I won’t have to wrestle with this painful conflict anymore.

I mean this in no disrespect to those here; I really do admire those with sober time, it they flourish in life. But personally, emotionally, it is so hard for me to escape the feeling of inferiority. It’s as if deep down in my mind, I have hardwired the association of alcohol with so many things. So many things I want. I feel anxious, torn...I just want the best for myself, I guess. I want freedom.

Even if I know I can have some of the best of those things without it, even if I know Its possible that I could become truly proud of who I am as a sober man in the world...even then. Even now.

I am reaching out. If anyone has anything to add, however small, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:26 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I have spent some time re-reading over this thread, and after that visualising the coming weekend, and just how valuable sober socialising could really be.

I can see how, if I am sober and not talking to those people over there, its probably because I don’t want to. I can see myself interacting with slightly intoxicated people, because I can often bounce of their energy, and likewise.

I can see myself returning home, girl in arm, feeling glad I made it. On planet Earth, not some risky dream castle poised to fall off the edge of horizon Rick.

I can kind of believe it now. At least, a little more. It helps to keep it to this weekend. “Just try it”. I can’t know unless I do. And if its hard, hard things get easier as you expose to them. But not if you numb yourself first.

No doubt the snake will rear its head again before the week is up. I think posting helped.
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:44 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hi Rick I'm sorry you're so conflicted. It's perfectly understandable in the early days. It's so easy to romanticize our drinking. We imagine ourselves enjoying a lovely, fulfilling evening in which we're in perfect control. But once we've crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking, that's not the way it happens. You said you had 5 near disasters just this month. I know you're experiencing 'fear of missing out'. Yet we know what's likely to happen if we cave & decide to risk it just one more time. I understand the longing to be a normal drinker. It can't happen for us. We take a huge chance every time we play with the idea of controlled drinking. Our new life, free of alcohol, can be much better than our old one.

Have you talked yourself out of drinking this weekend? Would you maybe be able to discuss it with your new therapist?
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Old 05-20-2019, 04:51 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hi Rick

noone wants to be an alcoholic

but...I had more than 20 years experience and data to suggest that my drinking was not good for me.

If you're like me, you've woken up many a time thinking why did I have that last drink...but what I learned - finally - was that my problems started after the first drink, not the last.....

No matter what good intent I had, that first drink smashed it...that first drink kicks off the insatiable unquenchable thirst....

and that's why I can't drink at all.
I suspect you might be the same.

I've grown to love sober me and my life now is full and richand packed full with people who like me, the real me...

I could never say that as a drinker.

D
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Old 05-22-2019, 09:16 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Thank you both.

Yes I spoke to my therapist that night. One of the most interesting insights was noticing how perceived inferiority follows the arising of fear, and this fear seems to be a deeply conditioned response. When the fear is not present, neither is the inferiority. In meditation that evening I hit a profound state of clarity where the idea of drinking alcohol seemed to be irrational, nigh laughable. What I need to get comfortable with is the undulation of confident and negative states.

This weekend many people in my town will be drinking. My aim is to use it as exposure to the life I want; one of clarity and no regrets but not avoidant of how others are living. I told the girl I am going with whilst in clarity last night just how many ways I might start to change my mind when the fear sets in. She is onboard.

Crucially for me seems to be accepting the reality that there will be many moments ahead where I cannot accept I am no longer able to drink alcohol. But to see that as not something that needs to be acted on or rationalised, but just the natural result of non-acceptance. It will take time, and the natural effects of exposure to fear and the confidence and reward that comes on the other side when walking home sober.

Thats the plan.
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Old 05-22-2019, 04:21 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I think it's ok to be a little avoidant of drinkers in the early days - especially if you have a little inner ambivalance about possible moderate drinking.

Time and again I'd 'road test' my sobriety and drink again. No one starts lifting 300 pounds...we work up to that - it's the same with building sobriety muscles IMO.

I needed to cherish my recovery and keep it safe until I knew it was secure.

I needed to put clear distance between who I had been and who I wanted to be.

I still went out - but not to events where I knew my recovery might be compromised.

You will build those muscles.

I'm not saying that you have to avoid drinkers for ever or that you need to barricade yourself in the house this weekend...but you don;t have to throw yourself into the drink maelstrom either

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