Wanted to go straight, but failed
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Thanks for the replies and support!
Today was better than yesterday. I tend plan things (which sometimes is another way of saying 'postponing things') and then get slightly flustered when first starting. In that sense, today was a lot better.
I decreased my daily volume from what I had initially planned to something that seems more manageable for me. I don't want to needlessly stress out about my own rules/expectations, that's kind of dumb.
Soon it will be dinner time and then I'll clock out. Today's in the bag.
End of Day 20. I did not drink today.
Today was better than yesterday. I tend plan things (which sometimes is another way of saying 'postponing things') and then get slightly flustered when first starting. In that sense, today was a lot better.
I decreased my daily volume from what I had initially planned to something that seems more manageable for me. I don't want to needlessly stress out about my own rules/expectations, that's kind of dumb.
Soon it will be dinner time and then I'll clock out. Today's in the bag.
End of Day 20. I did not drink today.
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Had a good meeting today. With real people. So, I felt 'normal' for a while. Glad that I set up the meet and actually went, despite my past anxieties about any sort of human contact. Today I felt a little off, but nothing major.
Quite frankly, I'm not used to being sober, as in, not hungover every other or third day. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it and I'm very grateful, but the feeling of things becoming clearer and clearer as each day passes takes some getting used to. Fogginess, anxiety and, to an extent, paranoia had such a central role in my active addiction, that their absence makes me feel ...weird (but in a good way).
I did get some cravings on the train back home. The AV's suggestion was "You're feeling real good right now, you just had a fun talk with real people. You know what would keep this party going?". And it was uncomfortable, because usually I would distract myself with some activity, e.g. doing dishes or putting clean socks in drawers etc. Anything, really, to delay and distract. Can't really do that on the train. So I just surfed the sensation until it dissipated.
I have some crazy joint pain today, knees and hips. I don't get what that's about, hopefully the night will clear it up.
End of Day 21. I did not drink today.
Quite frankly, I'm not used to being sober, as in, not hungover every other or third day. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it and I'm very grateful, but the feeling of things becoming clearer and clearer as each day passes takes some getting used to. Fogginess, anxiety and, to an extent, paranoia had such a central role in my active addiction, that their absence makes me feel ...weird (but in a good way).
I did get some cravings on the train back home. The AV's suggestion was "You're feeling real good right now, you just had a fun talk with real people. You know what would keep this party going?". And it was uncomfortable, because usually I would distract myself with some activity, e.g. doing dishes or putting clean socks in drawers etc. Anything, really, to delay and distract. Can't really do that on the train. So I just surfed the sensation until it dissipated.
I have some crazy joint pain today, knees and hips. I don't get what that's about, hopefully the night will clear it up.
End of Day 21. I did not drink today.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I had all kinds of *new* aches and pains in early sobriety.
Exercise and a good nutrition plan seems to have cured it. I was taking Ibuprofen frequently in early days, haven't had any in years now.
Well done on that urge surfing.
Exercise and a good nutrition plan seems to have cured it. I was taking Ibuprofen frequently in early days, haven't had any in years now.
Well done on that urge surfing.
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Bim, I did end up taking ibuprofen yesterday. Which reminded me that only 3 weeks ago, ibus were like skittles. Drink, sleep, wake up before noon, blood pressure meds, 2 ibus, water and back to bed until 1 or 2 pm. Start doing necessary things only after that.
Waking up today, most of the pain was gone, but 1/4 of it returned by evening. No idea, what this is about, but I'm assuming it'll be gone tomorrow.
Today was a completely empty day without anything negative or positive to report. Did get some cravings in the evening. It's a heatwave here, about 80F/27C, but it's so humid here, so that just adds up to an uncomfortable existence if exposed to the elements. The cravings today were of an overall feeling of discomfort rather than a distinct want for alcohol. Just a sensation like "something's missing". It passed quickly with distract and delay.
Haven't gotten any work, but did get paid for the last one I did. Buying a mattress tomorrow or the day after, sort out my sleeping organisation.
I need to hit the LifeRing book tomorrow and revisit the CBT workbook. I cannot let myself become lazy about this, although there's very little motivation on days like today.
End of Day 22. I did not drink today.
Waking up today, most of the pain was gone, but 1/4 of it returned by evening. No idea, what this is about, but I'm assuming it'll be gone tomorrow.
Today was a completely empty day without anything negative or positive to report. Did get some cravings in the evening. It's a heatwave here, about 80F/27C, but it's so humid here, so that just adds up to an uncomfortable existence if exposed to the elements. The cravings today were of an overall feeling of discomfort rather than a distinct want for alcohol. Just a sensation like "something's missing". It passed quickly with distract and delay.
Haven't gotten any work, but did get paid for the last one I did. Buying a mattress tomorrow or the day after, sort out my sleeping organisation.
I need to hit the LifeRing book tomorrow and revisit the CBT workbook. I cannot let myself become lazy about this, although there's very little motivation on days like today.
End of Day 22. I did not drink today.
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Today was new mattress day. It's big and comfortable, hopefully a good investment into my sleep quality. Although the old futon was okay, too. I've liked sleeping on the floor since childhood (lots of camps with choir, so you get used to it after a while). Plus, nowadays it was just good for my back. All other previous arrangements were quite horrible - a disassembled pull-out couch that was being held together by a load strap and the two 'mattresses' were too small for the ancient bedframe, the bottom of which was failing. The frame itself was solid wood, but it was too cumbersome and so it went before the windows got changed (found a new home, that is).
My room has more space now and it's finally according to what I prefer, rather than making do with what's available. I wasn't whining back then, but I definitely prefer the current situation more.
A really hot day here. Heat and I don't mix well, that's a proven fact.
I was offered an idea today that 'perhaps we should share a non-alcholic beer'. I thought about it, thought about the taste of beer in general. And declined. Firstly, it's too risky, and believe it or not (the past wouldn't believe it), I do not like the taste of beer that much. It was a comfortable way of getting buzzed, didn't seem as 'hardcore' as vodka and the like, but that bottom-shelf buck-a-can stuff just wasn't something to push people aside for if the last ones were on sale. It did always get me drunk, though. So, there's that - consuming something in big quantities regardless of the taste. The hallmark of addiction.
I'm weird in that I've never drank alcohol with my food. I've also never actually understood people who drink wine with food - for one, because I've never been a wine drinker and second, if you either pay top-dollar for great food, why ruin it with a bitter/sour/unsugared grape concoction; Or if it's absolutely necessary to include the wine (as in, outside of the cooking process), then there's something wrong with the cooking. While it is only a belief of mine, then I think even the non-alcoholics are kidding themselves with the wine and food stuff. Just drink water and taste the darn food, don't overpower it with something for which people had to go through heaps of trouble in their efforts of covering up the unpalatable taste of (pure) alcohol.
End of Day 23. I did not drink today.
My room has more space now and it's finally according to what I prefer, rather than making do with what's available. I wasn't whining back then, but I definitely prefer the current situation more.
A really hot day here. Heat and I don't mix well, that's a proven fact.
I was offered an idea today that 'perhaps we should share a non-alcholic beer'. I thought about it, thought about the taste of beer in general. And declined. Firstly, it's too risky, and believe it or not (the past wouldn't believe it), I do not like the taste of beer that much. It was a comfortable way of getting buzzed, didn't seem as 'hardcore' as vodka and the like, but that bottom-shelf buck-a-can stuff just wasn't something to push people aside for if the last ones were on sale. It did always get me drunk, though. So, there's that - consuming something in big quantities regardless of the taste. The hallmark of addiction.
I'm weird in that I've never drank alcohol with my food. I've also never actually understood people who drink wine with food - for one, because I've never been a wine drinker and second, if you either pay top-dollar for great food, why ruin it with a bitter/sour/unsugared grape concoction; Or if it's absolutely necessary to include the wine (as in, outside of the cooking process), then there's something wrong with the cooking. While it is only a belief of mine, then I think even the non-alcoholics are kidding themselves with the wine and food stuff. Just drink water and taste the darn food, don't overpower it with something for which people had to go through heaps of trouble in their efforts of covering up the unpalatable taste of (pure) alcohol.
End of Day 23. I did not drink today.
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Today was a waste. Headache since the morning, on and off. The weather outside is so hot, it is very uncomfortable for me.
Took a cold shower, that briefly aided with my ailments, but everything flooded back slightly later.
Didn't manage to do anything, but also couldn't fall asleep. One of those "a day in the life of" boxes in the calendar.
End of Day 24. I did not drink today.
Took a cold shower, that briefly aided with my ailments, but everything flooded back slightly later.
Didn't manage to do anything, but also couldn't fall asleep. One of those "a day in the life of" boxes in the calendar.
End of Day 24. I did not drink today.
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30 minutes ago, I would have gone on a very long rant. I guess I tired myself out just thinking about what I'd write. So, it's a slightly shorter rant instead.
Most of the day was unbearably hot, but otherwise fine. In the evening, however, I read some stuff about people I used to be in contact with years ago. And while it is embarrasing to admit it, I got to one of my infamous 'compare myself to other, feel horrible afterwards' thinking traps. In all of those comparisons, I never actually factor in that for the past 12 years, I've been in the grips of a (if not always completely, then at least significantly) debilitating condition of active addiction. Heck, the fact that at brief moments in the past I've actually almost managed to keep pace with some of my favourite 'persons of comparison', is probably a testament to something. Not smarts, but something - because no one was stopping me from putting the bottle down for good earlier.
So, these regrets of a 'life not lived' do creep up. Drunk or otherwise. I recognise them for what they are, but tonight it was difficult to subdue the resulting negative emotions. I have no want for alcohol, because I don't want to drink and I'm fully aware that it would only make me feel worse. When I drank, those negative fantasies somehow became more real in my head. It was like I could physically touch the failure contained within.
And I'm also embarrassed. Embarrassed that I even have such a reaction to reading about other people doing well. From what I knew about them in the past, they always worked hard, showed up, did what was necessary. Whilst I relished in the delusion of 'being a genius and talent' that could get by with maybe, just maybe, doing half of what they were putting in effort-wise. The brief moments of clarity that I experienced and the effort I managed to put in, even if sporadically, sometimes ended up with positive results. The accompanying 'atta boys were not helpful at all, because their subsequent utility was only as fuel for more boozing.
So, here I am. Having cooked an absolutely delicious pasta bolognese, survived a really hot day and, admittedly, had some fun playing on the computer (there was a sale on for a game). Helped my mother, talked to my grandmother on the phone.
Yet, I'm still feeling down. This negative version of nostalgia, the comparisons and putting myself down for my past actions and omissions has to freaking stop at some point. I cannot keep carrying that crap around with me like luggage, with that ever-attentive airport loudspeaker announcement 'please don't leave luggage unattended' throbbing in the back of my brain.
I need to snap out of it. Lots of life left to live at 29. None of the acheivements (of others) that I compare my 'lack of' with would be worth a penny, if I had those but wouldn't be sober.
End of Day 25. I did not drink today.
Most of the day was unbearably hot, but otherwise fine. In the evening, however, I read some stuff about people I used to be in contact with years ago. And while it is embarrasing to admit it, I got to one of my infamous 'compare myself to other, feel horrible afterwards' thinking traps. In all of those comparisons, I never actually factor in that for the past 12 years, I've been in the grips of a (if not always completely, then at least significantly) debilitating condition of active addiction. Heck, the fact that at brief moments in the past I've actually almost managed to keep pace with some of my favourite 'persons of comparison', is probably a testament to something. Not smarts, but something - because no one was stopping me from putting the bottle down for good earlier.
So, these regrets of a 'life not lived' do creep up. Drunk or otherwise. I recognise them for what they are, but tonight it was difficult to subdue the resulting negative emotions. I have no want for alcohol, because I don't want to drink and I'm fully aware that it would only make me feel worse. When I drank, those negative fantasies somehow became more real in my head. It was like I could physically touch the failure contained within.
And I'm also embarrassed. Embarrassed that I even have such a reaction to reading about other people doing well. From what I knew about them in the past, they always worked hard, showed up, did what was necessary. Whilst I relished in the delusion of 'being a genius and talent' that could get by with maybe, just maybe, doing half of what they were putting in effort-wise. The brief moments of clarity that I experienced and the effort I managed to put in, even if sporadically, sometimes ended up with positive results. The accompanying 'atta boys were not helpful at all, because their subsequent utility was only as fuel for more boozing.
So, here I am. Having cooked an absolutely delicious pasta bolognese, survived a really hot day and, admittedly, had some fun playing on the computer (there was a sale on for a game). Helped my mother, talked to my grandmother on the phone.
Yet, I'm still feeling down. This negative version of nostalgia, the comparisons and putting myself down for my past actions and omissions has to freaking stop at some point. I cannot keep carrying that crap around with me like luggage, with that ever-attentive airport loudspeaker announcement 'please don't leave luggage unattended' throbbing in the back of my brain.
I need to snap out of it. Lots of life left to live at 29. None of the acheivements (of others) that I compare my 'lack of' with would be worth a penny, if I had those but wouldn't be sober.
End of Day 25. I did not drink today.
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Thanks for the support, bim. It's comforting to know someone is keeping an eye on what I post.
Without trying to jinx tomorrow, I'll admit today was a bit better than yesterday. The best part of it was probably the 30 min walk in the evening, because it finally cooled down a bit.
I'm still struggling with work. I did manage to get some done today, but it still wasn't what I planned. My energy runs out and I lose my focus very quickly. There are plenty of hours in the day, but I'm tired during most of them at this point. Partly because of the heat, but that's not the only reason. It causes frustration - there is a discord between the plans my brain draws up, the compliance with which it would consider acceptable, and what my body can actually deliver. I'm not entirely sure how to release this stress build-up, but I have to find a way. I should probably just ensure that, on average across the week, I'd reach at least the minimum that I need - anything more than that I should, at least for now, consider extra. To give you an idea of the behemoth that this project is - today's effort amounted to about 0,5% of the entire thing.
The headache was also milder today. It's probably easier to explain the 'headache' here, because people know what the feeling of 'sobering up whilst awake' is like. That type of ...nagging, uneasy and uncomfortable feeling in the back of your head. Having that when you're sober and it comes and goes for 3-4 days is not particularly pleasant.
Regardless of these and other ailments, I deeply treasure the fact of waking up sober. If I feel frustration, I feel it real - I don't numb it, leave it completely unresolved and push it deeper down for it to fester into something worse.
End of Day 27. I did not drink today.
Without trying to jinx tomorrow, I'll admit today was a bit better than yesterday. The best part of it was probably the 30 min walk in the evening, because it finally cooled down a bit.
I'm still struggling with work. I did manage to get some done today, but it still wasn't what I planned. My energy runs out and I lose my focus very quickly. There are plenty of hours in the day, but I'm tired during most of them at this point. Partly because of the heat, but that's not the only reason. It causes frustration - there is a discord between the plans my brain draws up, the compliance with which it would consider acceptable, and what my body can actually deliver. I'm not entirely sure how to release this stress build-up, but I have to find a way. I should probably just ensure that, on average across the week, I'd reach at least the minimum that I need - anything more than that I should, at least for now, consider extra. To give you an idea of the behemoth that this project is - today's effort amounted to about 0,5% of the entire thing.
The headache was also milder today. It's probably easier to explain the 'headache' here, because people know what the feeling of 'sobering up whilst awake' is like. That type of ...nagging, uneasy and uncomfortable feeling in the back of your head. Having that when you're sober and it comes and goes for 3-4 days is not particularly pleasant.
Regardless of these and other ailments, I deeply treasure the fact of waking up sober. If I feel frustration, I feel it real - I don't numb it, leave it completely unresolved and push it deeper down for it to fester into something worse.
End of Day 27. I did not drink today.
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Managed to do more work than my minimum. Did my walking. Had to wait for the ambulance because my mother's gallstones were acting up bad. Can now go to sleep.
Life on life's terms.
End of Day 28. I did not drink today.
Life on life's terms.
End of Day 28. I did not drink today.
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You are doing a great job kk--the emotions are up and down like a rollarcoaster in early sobriety, as are energy levels. I slept and couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, was hyper-focused, felt joy and quickly hoplessness, back to peace, on to fear, obsessing on the past, etc. etc.
I think it has much to do with letting our consciousness loose in the pasture, as it were. Before we could put a halter on our minds with the drink. It would tighten our focus or, often for me, let me suppress what needed to be felt and released.
Just keep doing the next right thing, eat well, and sleep as needed. It evens out and improves greatly as the brain / body continues to heal themselves. Promise
I think it has much to do with letting our consciousness loose in the pasture, as it were. Before we could put a halter on our minds with the drink. It would tighten our focus or, often for me, let me suppress what needed to be felt and released.
Just keep doing the next right thing, eat well, and sleep as needed. It evens out and improves greatly as the brain / body continues to heal themselves. Promise
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Thanks Dee and nadt!
Thanks, Hawkeye, your support means a lot.
It's been a bummer with the 'ups and downs'. The brain cannot ...make up its mind. To go through 4-5 completely different states of mind in one day (without actually changing the scenery) is kind of exhausting and, at times, really confusing.
The main problem with a lack of focus for me, aside from my work, is sometimes not feeling the motivation to do things that support my sobriety (like reading and doing the workbooks). I'm sure there's lots of quality information in the CBT workbook, but everytime I pick it up, I'm sleepy 10-15 minutes later. And that's, you know, in the middle of the day. Any mental exertion seems to more or less end that way, or at least it has the past week or so.
It looks like it's going to be a storm tonight. I have a pizza in the oven. Going to watch Blindspot and not worry about things. I must say that I don't feel 'stressed out' like I felt while I was drinking, currently it's more like a frustration of sorts (both stress, I know, but 'different' somehow).
As in, I want to do more, but my body and head say no fairly quickly and re-route me to bed. I'm very much looking forward to that 'moment' when the brain's motivation system, i.e. dopamine-related stuff, starts to normalise - even a little bit more mental energy and 'go get 'em!' would suffice.
Calling it an early night.
End of Day 29. I did not drink today.
Thanks, Hawkeye, your support means a lot.
It's been a bummer with the 'ups and downs'. The brain cannot ...make up its mind. To go through 4-5 completely different states of mind in one day (without actually changing the scenery) is kind of exhausting and, at times, really confusing.
The main problem with a lack of focus for me, aside from my work, is sometimes not feeling the motivation to do things that support my sobriety (like reading and doing the workbooks). I'm sure there's lots of quality information in the CBT workbook, but everytime I pick it up, I'm sleepy 10-15 minutes later. And that's, you know, in the middle of the day. Any mental exertion seems to more or less end that way, or at least it has the past week or so.
It looks like it's going to be a storm tonight. I have a pizza in the oven. Going to watch Blindspot and not worry about things. I must say that I don't feel 'stressed out' like I felt while I was drinking, currently it's more like a frustration of sorts (both stress, I know, but 'different' somehow).
As in, I want to do more, but my body and head say no fairly quickly and re-route me to bed. I'm very much looking forward to that 'moment' when the brain's motivation system, i.e. dopamine-related stuff, starts to normalise - even a little bit more mental energy and 'go get 'em!' would suffice.
Calling it an early night.
End of Day 29. I did not drink today.
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Its tough to wait on improvement, I know. I tended to forget how many years I'd abused my mind and body. I had to lower my expectations a little, for a while.
Things started to get a little better for me after 30 days - I hope they will for you too.
Things started to get a little better for me after 30 days - I hope they will for you too.
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I think you're doing great, kk. You have an extraordinary sense of self-awareness.
It's going to even out. It took me much longer than a month for that to happen. Change comes in little steps sometimes and sometimes in big leaps.
Tomorrow - 30 days. That's huge. I'll pre-congratulate you since we seem to be in much different time-zones. Yay, you!
It's going to even out. It took me much longer than a month for that to happen. Change comes in little steps sometimes and sometimes in big leaps.
Tomorrow - 30 days. That's huge. I'll pre-congratulate you since we seem to be in much different time-zones. Yay, you!
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