Wanted to go straight, but failed
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I had the worst cravings yet on the bus back home tonight. They were relentless, my brain just kept coming up with new (albeit 'old') reasons why I should have beer or beers. Nearly 45 minutes of this, in multiple rounds.
When I got home, I had to vacuum all the rooms of the apartment, because there was copious amounts of dust from the three windows that got replaced. That repetitive activity finally killed off the cravings. I felt exhausted from doing the mental martial arts to not go get a beer, the vacuuming was a very well placed distraction.
Lately, I've also noticed that I 'volunteer' for more activities/helping out with family (I was just at the grandparents'). It's just to distract me from boredom and, although I didn't really have to flex any mental muscles until now, delay and distract from cravings.
On the bus, my brain just kept freaking hammering: "Your life won't be satisfactory if it's completely devoid of alcohol"; "You've made it a couple of weeks - obviously you can have a beer or 4"; "Beer will make you feel great, right now - sobriety will take such a long time and who knows in the end ...". I just wanted it to stop so bad.
If people could have seen into my brain, they would have witnessed a guy in restraints, going back and forward, mumbling "sobriety will give you what booze promises, sobriety will give you what booze promises".
I don't know if it's connected, but the bus had an unexpectedly large proportion of really-really beautiful women on it. Maybe I just had a 'guy' moment and a dopamine overflow. I don't know. I haven't been this uncomfortable in my own head since stepping away from alcohol.
I hope this won't happen again, but I guess I'm up against it.
Day 16. I did not drink today.
When I got home, I had to vacuum all the rooms of the apartment, because there was copious amounts of dust from the three windows that got replaced. That repetitive activity finally killed off the cravings. I felt exhausted from doing the mental martial arts to not go get a beer, the vacuuming was a very well placed distraction.
Lately, I've also noticed that I 'volunteer' for more activities/helping out with family (I was just at the grandparents'). It's just to distract me from boredom and, although I didn't really have to flex any mental muscles until now, delay and distract from cravings.
On the bus, my brain just kept freaking hammering: "Your life won't be satisfactory if it's completely devoid of alcohol"; "You've made it a couple of weeks - obviously you can have a beer or 4"; "Beer will make you feel great, right now - sobriety will take such a long time and who knows in the end ...". I just wanted it to stop so bad.
If people could have seen into my brain, they would have witnessed a guy in restraints, going back and forward, mumbling "sobriety will give you what booze promises, sobriety will give you what booze promises".
I don't know if it's connected, but the bus had an unexpectedly large proportion of really-really beautiful women on it. Maybe I just had a 'guy' moment and a dopamine overflow. I don't know. I haven't been this uncomfortable in my own head since stepping away from alcohol.
I hope this won't happen again, but I guess I'm up against it.
Day 16. I did not drink today.
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I'm going to go and get the LifeRing book, just got the notification text (and Amazon items only ship to one specific service, so it should be the one).
Yesterday really got me thinking and I wanted to ask - over time, starting from the very beginning of stopping and where you are now - how has your 'thinking relationship' towards alcohol changed?
Maybe the question is somewhat (or very) obscure, but what I meant to ask is how do you view it now? The most powerful AV argument thus far, which has also caused many failures in the past, is the one that starts with: "Your life will never be as exciting without alcohol, because ..."
I hope I'm making sense. Thanks
Yesterday really got me thinking and I wanted to ask - over time, starting from the very beginning of stopping and where you are now - how has your 'thinking relationship' towards alcohol changed?
Maybe the question is somewhat (or very) obscure, but what I meant to ask is how do you view it now? The most powerful AV argument thus far, which has also caused many failures in the past, is the one that starts with: "Your life will never be as exciting without alcohol, because ..."
I hope I'm making sense. Thanks
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My life is plenty exciting now - not to mention full, meaningful and happy.
All the things I dreamt of but could never seem to find as a drinker.
I looked to alcohol to solve (or rather avoid) all my problems.
Now it has no place at all in my life and I'm better off for it.
D
All the things I dreamt of but could never seem to find as a drinker.
I looked to alcohol to solve (or rather avoid) all my problems.
Now it has no place at all in my life and I'm better off for it.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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It took me awhile to"identify" as a sober person more than a drinker.
At first I had imposter syndrome when I thought about being a sober person.
Now I feel the opposite and when I had some relapses this past year I felt equally uncomfortable identifying as a drinker again-- It has slowly eroded from my identity. I'm not that and my occasional intense cravings are not "me" but come from some leftover primordial part of myself that used alcohol for getting below thinking and a negative coping mechanism I used to rely on heavily.
I assume my synaps have rerouted--thankful for neural plasticity
At first I had imposter syndrome when I thought about being a sober person.
Now I feel the opposite and when I had some relapses this past year I felt equally uncomfortable identifying as a drinker again-- It has slowly eroded from my identity. I'm not that and my occasional intense cravings are not "me" but come from some leftover primordial part of myself that used alcohol for getting below thinking and a negative coping mechanism I used to rely on heavily.
I assume my synaps have rerouted--thankful for neural plasticity
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Thanks for the replies!
Hawkeye, you really hit the mark with 'identify' and 'imposter syndrome'. I'd heard the latter used in the academic context, i.e. starting grad school, you feel like everyone else a) earned their right to be there fair and square and b) they are grad students, you're pretending at being one. That feeling leaves once you do enough 'grad student' stuff and realise one day, that hey, you are one. But that doesn't come about with thinking, only with doing.
I think the word I would have wanted to use in my question was actually 'identify'. There's lots of dissonance between on the one side rational thought processes about sobriety, its potential and many positives, and that 'identification' as someone who isn't 'a sober person'. Weirdly, I've never identified as a drunk/alcoholic (although all the evidence was there pretty much from the very beginning), but alwas as some twisted 'positive spin' of drunk, e.g. "that party/beer drinker guy", "that guy who can drink people under the table" etc. So, I think my brain has always had a tough time cutting that cord - and I've given in to the AV before I've done enough 'sober person actions' so as to, at minimum, have an inkling of being a sober person and not 'that beer drinker guy who's currently not drinking beer'.
Which makes resisting and dealing with cravings all the more important. And learning how to deal with them effectively. Since that's the foundation to a sober 'identity'.
Hawkeye, you really hit the mark with 'identify' and 'imposter syndrome'. I'd heard the latter used in the academic context, i.e. starting grad school, you feel like everyone else a) earned their right to be there fair and square and b) they are grad students, you're pretending at being one. That feeling leaves once you do enough 'grad student' stuff and realise one day, that hey, you are one. But that doesn't come about with thinking, only with doing.
I think the word I would have wanted to use in my question was actually 'identify'. There's lots of dissonance between on the one side rational thought processes about sobriety, its potential and many positives, and that 'identification' as someone who isn't 'a sober person'. Weirdly, I've never identified as a drunk/alcoholic (although all the evidence was there pretty much from the very beginning), but alwas as some twisted 'positive spin' of drunk, e.g. "that party/beer drinker guy", "that guy who can drink people under the table" etc. So, I think my brain has always had a tough time cutting that cord - and I've given in to the AV before I've done enough 'sober person actions' so as to, at minimum, have an inkling of being a sober person and not 'that beer drinker guy who's currently not drinking beer'.
Which makes resisting and dealing with cravings all the more important. And learning how to deal with them effectively. Since that's the foundation to a sober 'identity'.
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I had to consciously challenge every drinking thought in early days, just like you're doing.
Really? Do I *need* a drink? Or just want one? I mean, once I got past the first week it was all psychological. Recognizing when I was romanticizing the drink became easier; and more importantly I recognized it faster and faster. The less time I allowed my brain to focus on alcohol or drinking as a possibility, the easier it went for me.
One of those Zen things is, "When the thoughts come knocking, don't invite them in for tea."
I am in control of what I continue to think about. The thoughts come, and I shoo them off the porch.
Really? Do I *need* a drink? Or just want one? I mean, once I got past the first week it was all psychological. Recognizing when I was romanticizing the drink became easier; and more importantly I recognized it faster and faster. The less time I allowed my brain to focus on alcohol or drinking as a possibility, the easier it went for me.
One of those Zen things is, "When the thoughts come knocking, don't invite them in for tea."
I am in control of what I continue to think about. The thoughts come, and I shoo them off the porch.
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Thanks for the insight, bim!
It's so very true that after the initial phase, it's predominantly psychological. Maybe that's the problem? And is that why all the different programmes and plan-making/acting on plans are so useful?
I'm thinking it's because it allows a person to get out of their head and instead of 'thinking about being sober', go and 'do something sober' - whatever form that takes (a meeting, a walk, a long-lost hobby etc).
It's so very true that after the initial phase, it's predominantly psychological. Maybe that's the problem? And is that why all the different programmes and plan-making/acting on plans are so useful?
I'm thinking it's because it allows a person to get out of their head and instead of 'thinking about being sober', go and 'do something sober' - whatever form that takes (a meeting, a walk, a long-lost hobby etc).
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My own head is a very unpredictable place.
I have to be mindful of what's going on in my mind and not grab on to every thought that drifts in. Not allowing, "My Precious," to become the thought of the hour. Or six hours.
Random firings of neurons, that's all they are. I can turn the page at any time. Being aware of that is everything. Pretty soon new thoughts become the norm and new ways of thinking.
I agree with you.
I have to be mindful of what's going on in my mind and not grab on to every thought that drifts in. Not allowing, "My Precious," to become the thought of the hour. Or six hours.
Random firings of neurons, that's all they are. I can turn the page at any time. Being aware of that is everything. Pretty soon new thoughts become the norm and new ways of thinking.
I agree with you.
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No real cravings today luckily. Got my books and the LifeRing book, going to read more of it before bed.
Currently, it seems like this week is going to be week no 2 without work. This is really starting to get on my nerves now.
Day 17. I did not drink today.
Currently, it seems like this week is going to be week no 2 without work. This is really starting to get on my nerves now.
Day 17. I did not drink today.
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Today was uneventful. Didn't register any cravings either. Probably going to read LifeRing, make that a daily thing for myself.
Tomorrow, my work project will commence. I made a plan to start on June 1st and use the summer to earn back the money I have already spent (it was all given upfront) and go further, too. If I absolutely nail my bigger time plan, then I should be done with all of it around October or November. It's going to take a lot of commitment and persistence - perhaps this is a positive character building exercise along with the obvious upside of aiming to be/being consistently productive. We'll see.
Day 18. I did not drink today.
Tomorrow, my work project will commence. I made a plan to start on June 1st and use the summer to earn back the money I have already spent (it was all given upfront) and go further, too. If I absolutely nail my bigger time plan, then I should be done with all of it around October or November. It's going to take a lot of commitment and persistence - perhaps this is a positive character building exercise along with the obvious upside of aiming to be/being consistently productive. We'll see.
Day 18. I did not drink today.
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Not a great day - didn't acheive my work goals, felt frustrated with the new PC. As I sat down to work, I realised that I didn't have Office on the computer. Then I started the download, was supposed to take 2 hours. Alright. Went and did other things - computer went to sleep, because the setting was on 30 minutes inactivity/sleep. So I started the download again. It finished. It was the wrong file. Then I started the download again with the new file. The total time wasted was approx 5-6 hours of quality daylight.
Then I got some work done, but I didn't reach the goal I had set. That was also frustrating, because the goal wasn't high - approximately half of what I'd do on a busier work day. If I want to at least try and get to that mark (on average), it means I have a backlog already after day one.
So the day was a step-by-step of 'how low can you get?'
And now, apparently there are people moving into the apartment above me. At freaking 11.30 PM on a Saturday!!!
And I didn't do any crosswords today or read LifeRing. Darn. What a day, indeed. I didn't think of alcohol through any of those downer moments, because it wouldn't have solved anything anyways. I am very grateful for that. Hopefully tomorrow gets off to a better start.
End of Day 19. I did not drink today.
Then I got some work done, but I didn't reach the goal I had set. That was also frustrating, because the goal wasn't high - approximately half of what I'd do on a busier work day. If I want to at least try and get to that mark (on average), it means I have a backlog already after day one.
So the day was a step-by-step of 'how low can you get?'
And now, apparently there are people moving into the apartment above me. At freaking 11.30 PM on a Saturday!!!
And I didn't do any crosswords today or read LifeRing. Darn. What a day, indeed. I didn't think of alcohol through any of those downer moments, because it wouldn't have solved anything anyways. I am very grateful for that. Hopefully tomorrow gets off to a better start.
End of Day 19. I did not drink today.
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Apparently my wasn't done with me just yet when I went to sleep last night. It also decided to cater a horrible drunk-dream to me.
I've had these before, during periods of abstinence. Usually, these would be mostly positive 'delusions' with an undertone of discomfort that turned into my being scared on waking and then disappearing once I realised it was a dream. The one I had last night was basically I high-light reel of my worst fears, the most shameful and guilt-ridden experiences connected with alcohol and ... as a 'bonus' it also had the most rage filled physical assault on a loved one.
Now, I'm not a violent person AT ALL - in fact, I detest violence. But in that dream, there was a 'scene' in which I was so wound up that I tried to choke a person... the accompanying feeling in the dream was absolute and utter helplessness in channeling the overwhelming rage in any other way.
This nightmare scared the living crap out of me. I was awake for an hour just recuperating.
All the scenes there were debilitating. Drinking in my room (and drawing pictures?), empties everywhere, feeling confused and lonely. At some point - due to angst and frustration toward me - the loved one had ripped apart these pictures I'd been drawing and I just got SO mad that I confronted the person and actually tried to choke them. I realised what I was doing and retreated.
The next scene was me walking on the street, day-time, and all of a sudden my friends jump out from around the corner. We start singing and drinking. It felt fun. Then, one by one, they started leaving ,saying 'that's enough for me'. Until there were only a few left, all super drunk, myself included - the other people had no specific faces, just random people my brain generated. We were in my apartment, drinking. The floor was full of empties, but I paid no attention to that. It was almost like we were drinking in one room, the empties were in another. Then my parent came home, with a friend and they both witnessed the mayhem that was the floor full of empties. I was on my knees, apologising, trying to clean up the mess.
And then I woke up.
What a wonderful start to a Sunday. This shook me pretty good. I don't normally remember my dreams.
I've had these before, during periods of abstinence. Usually, these would be mostly positive 'delusions' with an undertone of discomfort that turned into my being scared on waking and then disappearing once I realised it was a dream. The one I had last night was basically I high-light reel of my worst fears, the most shameful and guilt-ridden experiences connected with alcohol and ... as a 'bonus' it also had the most rage filled physical assault on a loved one.
Now, I'm not a violent person AT ALL - in fact, I detest violence. But in that dream, there was a 'scene' in which I was so wound up that I tried to choke a person... the accompanying feeling in the dream was absolute and utter helplessness in channeling the overwhelming rage in any other way.
This nightmare scared the living crap out of me. I was awake for an hour just recuperating.
All the scenes there were debilitating. Drinking in my room (and drawing pictures?), empties everywhere, feeling confused and lonely. At some point - due to angst and frustration toward me - the loved one had ripped apart these pictures I'd been drawing and I just got SO mad that I confronted the person and actually tried to choke them. I realised what I was doing and retreated.
The next scene was me walking on the street, day-time, and all of a sudden my friends jump out from around the corner. We start singing and drinking. It felt fun. Then, one by one, they started leaving ,saying 'that's enough for me'. Until there were only a few left, all super drunk, myself included - the other people had no specific faces, just random people my brain generated. We were in my apartment, drinking. The floor was full of empties, but I paid no attention to that. It was almost like we were drinking in one room, the empties were in another. Then my parent came home, with a friend and they both witnessed the mayhem that was the floor full of empties. I was on my knees, apologising, trying to clean up the mess.
And then I woke up.
What a wonderful start to a Sunday. This shook me pretty good. I don't normally remember my dreams.
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I had lots of these kinds of dreams in early sobriety. I "killed" my mother several times as I had a lot of anger towards her and her alcoholism.
Of course I love my mother, but I think the dreams allowed me to release the anger I had been suppressing with alcohol.
I also had lots of drinking dreams. I think that was similar in that I was addressing feelings of guilt and shame about my drinking.
These days, mostly nice dreams and deep sleep.
Of course I love my mother, but I think the dreams allowed me to release the anger I had been suppressing with alcohol.
I also had lots of drinking dreams. I think that was similar in that I was addressing feelings of guilt and shame about my drinking.
These days, mostly nice dreams and deep sleep.
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