Wanted to go straight, but failed
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I will check that out and possibly add it to my already long reading list. Thank you for the recommendation, Phoenix!
Energy-wise, today was an improvement over yesterday. The difference was marked and it allowed me to deal with things that I had to somewhat neglect whilst working. Glad I completed those tasks (which will be replaced with new items and sooner rather than later). I credit the energy boost to the 1-1.5 hours of extra sleep.
I also experienced cravings three times today. I was setting up my new phone - bought it more than a week ago, didn't deal with it until now. So, once it was almost set up, it showed me the 'photo album'. There was one from May, 2016. It was just sunny and pine trees, but I recognised and remembered why I took the photo. It was to try and convince a person to come to my town (she was, at the time, close by, 2-3 km) and drink with me. Because, you know, it was ...sunny outside. I remember she declined. Of course, when I realised what the photo was, there was once again that 'jolt' accompanying the memory. It soon passed. The others were unremarkable. I also played the tape through (go to store, get beer, come home, open the can, put it to my lips, taste it ....) and that's where it stopped, because the taste from memory wasn't good. Plus, I knew how I'd feel if I did something like that. Deflated again, defeated again - so that was a quick end to that idea.
I ordered the LifeRing workbook, I hope it reaches me soon
Currently, I was watching a lecture by Gabor Mate on Youtube, titled "the Hungry Ghost: A Biopsychosocial Perspective on Addiction". The similarly titled book was a suggestion on Amazon and I recognised the name. Half of the reason for listening to it is education, but since it's almost midnight here, the other half is certainly Gabor's voice. With my relentless sleep issues in the past, I've developed into an ardent listener of 'those who speak in a calm manner', because it helps me fall asleep. Many times, it also helped me get through bad hangovers, because a voice (any voice) eased the feeling of loneliness. The number of history documentaries I've listened to ... couldn't even suggest a number, but it's a large one.
Having had two days off, even if one didn't feel like a day off, I'm ready to get back to work. Hopefully, something comes in tomorrow.
In the video, I liked what Gabor said about addiction: "Addiction isn't the primary problem. It's an attempt to solve the main problem". That rang true for me, as I'm sure it does for many. It first starts out as an external remedy (which he says, quoting someone else, is always a 'double-edged sword, always something good with something bad). However, soon enough it's impossible to distinguish the remedy from the problem, as that 'remedy' becomes a major advocate and contributor to the problem (and creates new ones).
Day 8 has come to a close. I did not drink today.
Energy-wise, today was an improvement over yesterday. The difference was marked and it allowed me to deal with things that I had to somewhat neglect whilst working. Glad I completed those tasks (which will be replaced with new items and sooner rather than later). I credit the energy boost to the 1-1.5 hours of extra sleep.
I also experienced cravings three times today. I was setting up my new phone - bought it more than a week ago, didn't deal with it until now. So, once it was almost set up, it showed me the 'photo album'. There was one from May, 2016. It was just sunny and pine trees, but I recognised and remembered why I took the photo. It was to try and convince a person to come to my town (she was, at the time, close by, 2-3 km) and drink with me. Because, you know, it was ...sunny outside. I remember she declined. Of course, when I realised what the photo was, there was once again that 'jolt' accompanying the memory. It soon passed. The others were unremarkable. I also played the tape through (go to store, get beer, come home, open the can, put it to my lips, taste it ....) and that's where it stopped, because the taste from memory wasn't good. Plus, I knew how I'd feel if I did something like that. Deflated again, defeated again - so that was a quick end to that idea.
I ordered the LifeRing workbook, I hope it reaches me soon
Currently, I was watching a lecture by Gabor Mate on Youtube, titled "the Hungry Ghost: A Biopsychosocial Perspective on Addiction". The similarly titled book was a suggestion on Amazon and I recognised the name. Half of the reason for listening to it is education, but since it's almost midnight here, the other half is certainly Gabor's voice. With my relentless sleep issues in the past, I've developed into an ardent listener of 'those who speak in a calm manner', because it helps me fall asleep. Many times, it also helped me get through bad hangovers, because a voice (any voice) eased the feeling of loneliness. The number of history documentaries I've listened to ... couldn't even suggest a number, but it's a large one.Having had two days off, even if one didn't feel like a day off, I'm ready to get back to work. Hopefully, something comes in tomorrow.
In the video, I liked what Gabor said about addiction: "Addiction isn't the primary problem. It's an attempt to solve the main problem". That rang true for me, as I'm sure it does for many. It first starts out as an external remedy (which he says, quoting someone else, is always a 'double-edged sword, always something good with something bad). However, soon enough it's impossible to distinguish the remedy from the problem, as that 'remedy' becomes a major advocate and contributor to the problem (and creates new ones).
Day 8 has come to a close. I did not drink today.
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I'm closing Day 9.
Still no work. Whenever it gets to three days, I actually start worrying and different horror movies start playing in my head. This time it's "since I was so fog-brained during my last task, maybe it was so horrible, that I disappointed the one providing work". Many things there - always gunning for the most negative of possible outcomes, getting into a fit over what may or may not be (but not asking if one or the other is the case) and pretty much instantly going for the 'they're disappointed' thought. The rejection monster is strong.
I realised today that the last time I drank, I consumed 18*0,5 L beers. Looking into the past, the 'beginning', 2 beers was my limit. I was seriously buzzing and the mean voices in my head fell silent. I've known for a long time that I've been consuming increasingly large amounts of alcohol. The problem was that I never really thought of it in terms of 1, 2, 3 ...18. I was only really focussed on two things: getting buzzed and not screwing something up in the process. If I managed that to a degree, it reinforced a delusional sense of control. Because that's what responsible people do, right? Not screw up when consuming alcohol. What I didn't want to pay attention to, was the fact that there are people who do occasionally drink a beer (when it's hot outside, they've been working in the garden and then would like A cold one, singular), but couldn't care less if they won't. Alcohol is not a reward for them in its own right. The eye-opener was this - that 'person' with her one beer telling me "I feel too dizzy, I can't finish this. How can you consume so much of it?". Right before that she asked me how many I had had. I was on my eighth beer. The one she was having, was the equivalent of a small can. On eight beers, I felt slightly buzzed and she was 'getting too dizzy' from what was probably half of one small can.
At the time I didn't think much of it. "It is what it is". Looking at it now - I mean, since I never focussed on counting the beers (unless it was a money issue, then I knew exactly how many I could get), I rarely if ever recognised the marked increase in tolerance. I only cared about whether or not I'll mess something up. If not, I was in 'control'. That's absolute craziness. What's more, I actually believed that I was so-to-say doing better. I was 'only' drinking beer and other than hangovers, I hadn't screwed up too much - just a little to an average amount every other day. But no massive ones, right? That's the measure of success right?
I'm sure it wouldn't have been long before I'd switch out the beers for something stronger. Filling a very large plastic bag with empties in one week had seriously started annoying me, causing discomfort. That's how deluded this is - the bags of empties caused me more strife than the alcohol I had to consume in order to produce the empties.
Lot's to think about and meditate on.
I did not drink today.
Still no work. Whenever it gets to three days, I actually start worrying and different horror movies start playing in my head. This time it's "since I was so fog-brained during my last task, maybe it was so horrible, that I disappointed the one providing work". Many things there - always gunning for the most negative of possible outcomes, getting into a fit over what may or may not be (but not asking if one or the other is the case) and pretty much instantly going for the 'they're disappointed' thought. The rejection monster is strong.
I realised today that the last time I drank, I consumed 18*0,5 L beers. Looking into the past, the 'beginning', 2 beers was my limit. I was seriously buzzing and the mean voices in my head fell silent. I've known for a long time that I've been consuming increasingly large amounts of alcohol. The problem was that I never really thought of it in terms of 1, 2, 3 ...18. I was only really focussed on two things: getting buzzed and not screwing something up in the process. If I managed that to a degree, it reinforced a delusional sense of control. Because that's what responsible people do, right? Not screw up when consuming alcohol. What I didn't want to pay attention to, was the fact that there are people who do occasionally drink a beer (when it's hot outside, they've been working in the garden and then would like A cold one, singular), but couldn't care less if they won't. Alcohol is not a reward for them in its own right. The eye-opener was this - that 'person' with her one beer telling me "I feel too dizzy, I can't finish this. How can you consume so much of it?". Right before that she asked me how many I had had. I was on my eighth beer. The one she was having, was the equivalent of a small can. On eight beers, I felt slightly buzzed and she was 'getting too dizzy' from what was probably half of one small can.
At the time I didn't think much of it. "It is what it is". Looking at it now - I mean, since I never focussed on counting the beers (unless it was a money issue, then I knew exactly how many I could get), I rarely if ever recognised the marked increase in tolerance. I only cared about whether or not I'll mess something up. If not, I was in 'control'. That's absolute craziness. What's more, I actually believed that I was so-to-say doing better. I was 'only' drinking beer and other than hangovers, I hadn't screwed up too much - just a little to an average amount every other day. But no massive ones, right? That's the measure of success right?
I'm sure it wouldn't have been long before I'd switch out the beers for something stronger. Filling a very large plastic bag with empties in one week had seriously started annoying me, causing discomfort. That's how deluded this is - the bags of empties caused me more strife than the alcohol I had to consume in order to produce the empties.
Lot's to think about and meditate on.
I did not drink today.
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I'm on Day 10.
Was just sitting on my balcony, listening to the birds sing, the sun is out and there's a mild breeze. This type of weather was always cue for beer, money permitting.
Which is why I wanted to post and just say that living with an alcoholic brain is very weird. Given the fact that I barely know what 'else' is out there, it is still awkward for me that the brain can only conclude 'BEER' from a beautiful day. It's annoying, really.
Not whining, just exploring my own (past) relationship with alcohol. Ten days is the longest that I've had continuous sobriety for probably since late last year. It's real easy to fall back into those ideas, act on them and then try to methodically re-insert my head into the sand.
But. I kinda finally truly want to know what else is out there.
Was just sitting on my balcony, listening to the birds sing, the sun is out and there's a mild breeze. This type of weather was always cue for beer, money permitting.
Which is why I wanted to post and just say that living with an alcoholic brain is very weird. Given the fact that I barely know what 'else' is out there, it is still awkward for me that the brain can only conclude 'BEER' from a beautiful day. It's annoying, really.
Not whining, just exploring my own (past) relationship with alcohol. Ten days is the longest that I've had continuous sobriety for probably since late last year. It's real easy to fall back into those ideas, act on them and then try to methodically re-insert my head into the sand.
But. I kinda finally truly want to know what else is out there.
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Originally Posted by kk1k5x 
. Given the fact that I barely know what 'else' is out there,
We have gotten ourselves so "locked in" to a vision or lifestyle or habit that it seems impossible to see up and actually beyond it.
What's out there ya know? What interest or talent or achievement or relationship might actually be lurking under the booze fog?
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Originally Posted by Happyvale
That's the thing. We really don't have a clue on the myriad of possibilities we actually might find doable and enjoyable and amazing now do we?
We have gotten ourselves so "locked in" to a vision or lifestyle or habit that it seems impossible to see up and actually beyond it.
What's out there ya know? What interest or talent or achievement or relationship might actually be lurking under the booze fog?
We have gotten ourselves so "locked in" to a vision or lifestyle or habit that it seems impossible to see up and actually beyond it.
What's out there ya know? What interest or talent or achievement or relationship might actually be lurking under the booze fog?
The potential seems vast, but it's therefore also somewhat frightening, you know? Will I even be able to function there? Or rather, when would that feel normal?
But small steps, every day, towards those things is what I've chosen. Took me years to get to where I am, so it won't just take a week or two to overwrite the habits and modes of thinking about/seeing the world around me.
Thank you for the post, Happyvale.
It's the end of Day 10. I didn't drink today.
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It's been raining all day. And I've gotten more cravings today than the previous 10 days put together. Lot's of daydreaming, too, that always somehow exacerbates cravings/thoughts of beer.
Must delve into my books, distract and delay.
Must delve into my books, distract and delay.
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Today was good.
An early morning wake-up (at 5), a small nap before noon.
But still got my walking done in the evening. I was a bit tired, but still put those shoes on, got my music and went for it. Actually, the feeling yesterday was so positive after that I didn't really have convince myself too hard not to be lazy about this small promise I made.
And the feeling was the same tonight. It's like a very tiny 'natural high'. I'm not buzzing, but my nerves calm down, I feel slightly more content with things and my brain's not racing. Granted, I'm not really exercising as much as I'm just 'moving'. But, in truth, I haven't really been doing that at all, so perhaps the initial effects are a slightly more accentuated.
I'm ready for bed, just watching Blindspot. Really good show.
Really looking forward to hopefully soon receiving the LifeRing book I ordered.
It's the end of Day 12. I did not drink today.
An early morning wake-up (at 5), a small nap before noon.
But still got my walking done in the evening. I was a bit tired, but still put those shoes on, got my music and went for it. Actually, the feeling yesterday was so positive after that I didn't really have convince myself too hard not to be lazy about this small promise I made.
And the feeling was the same tonight. It's like a very tiny 'natural high'. I'm not buzzing, but my nerves calm down, I feel slightly more content with things and my brain's not racing. Granted, I'm not really exercising as much as I'm just 'moving'. But, in truth, I haven't really been doing that at all, so perhaps the initial effects are a slightly more accentuated.
I'm ready for bed, just watching Blindspot. Really good show.
Really looking forward to hopefully soon receiving the LifeRing book I ordered.
It's the end of Day 12. I did not drink today.
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Today just sort of passed by. Raining outside, but I went for my walk. It was important to stick to that little promise.
Trying to get the sleep hours to fall into place. Waking up at 5 or before that is just too early at this point in time. The walking and moving really helps calm the nerves and generally keep me calmer.
Nothing special to report, no real cravings to speak of, but I'm sure they're out there (in there) somewhere, lurking, waiting for me to get complacent. Won't let that happen. It would be good if I receive the LifeRing book sooner rather than later.
Hopefully there will be work tomorrow
End of Day 13. I did not drink today.
Trying to get the sleep hours to fall into place. Waking up at 5 or before that is just too early at this point in time. The walking and moving really helps calm the nerves and generally keep me calmer.
Nothing special to report, no real cravings to speak of, but I'm sure they're out there (in there) somewhere, lurking, waiting for me to get complacent. Won't let that happen. It would be good if I receive the LifeRing book sooner rather than later.
Hopefully there will be work tomorrow
End of Day 13. I did not drink today.
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Today was uneventful, but late last night - I put the final touches on my journal article and by the end of June I'll be a published author (academics). It was something special to see my own work in 'prettied up' journal layout, knowing the toiling and re-writing and research and choice of words and everything and anything that went into it. Once it's out, I will print out the first page of my first article and frame it, so that it may hopefully have many siblings.
I've made it two weeks as of today without a drink. Around this time, given past experience, a certain lull comes over me, but I won't be idly standing by this time around. I know I need to be more active with my efforts. So, I (re)discovered that I have a cognitive behavioural therapy workbook on my shelf. I will pick that up and start work with it the day after tomorrow - in the meantime, I'm off to visit my grandparents.
Hopefully we get to cook something (and hopefully it's pie
)
Still no work, though. I'm not going to go down that catastrophecy route - I will however make contact tomorrow about possible work once I've settled in at my grandparents'.
End of Day 14. I did not drink today.
I've made it two weeks as of today without a drink. Around this time, given past experience, a certain lull comes over me, but I won't be idly standing by this time around. I know I need to be more active with my efforts. So, I (re)discovered that I have a cognitive behavioural therapy workbook on my shelf. I will pick that up and start work with it the day after tomorrow - in the meantime, I'm off to visit my grandparents.
Hopefully we get to cook something (and hopefully it's pie
)Still no work, though. I'm not going to go down that catastrophecy route - I will however make contact tomorrow about possible work once I've settled in at my grandparents'.
End of Day 14. I did not drink today.
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Originally Posted by kk1k5x
Today was uneventful, but late last night - I put the final touches on my journal article and by the end of June I'll be a published author (academics). .
Well done....nah "well doing!"
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