kk1k5x

Half way through today's work. Everything is foggy and I'm pretty sure I've spent more time on break than working. But I'm set to hit my goal regardless. Can't let that slip.

Hopefully today's sleep will be better than last night. Choppy and not particularly restful.

I should also make it a point to go get my books from the post office.

jimmyJlover

So are you sober today? If so awesome, if not then go for 24hrs as a goal. I believe if I can do this, you can as well. My story is no different than the rest...I drank alcohol - it became a problem. Then it became worse. No question.

kk1k5x

Thanks, yes I was sober. I worked the entire day from about 10 am til 7.30 pm. I got my quota done, plus a little extra. But it was quite a struggle. Cleaned my room.

Tomorrow morning I have to take out the empties. That's always an embarrassing thing, although pretty much only I know the 'backstory'. I've waited in line with my bag or two for people who are bringing in like two-three industrial garbage bags of empties. Somehow I always think they must have had a great weekend or vacation, with lots of friends, where nothing bad happened and no one overdid it. And then I look at my one bag or two bags with abject misery, wanting that to be over asap. Needs to get done regardless.

Also went and got the books, 12 pounds of books ... one note turned out to be four at the post office, so I came home with a backpack full of books. One of those is D. MacCulloch's History of Christianity. It's literally the thickest book I've ever seen. I gave my reason for reading it as "they'll probably quiz me in the end".

Going to bed, didn't want to have a drink tonight. I know what I need to do tomorrow.

kk1k5x

The evening of day 3. I have not had a drink today.

I did get hair-cut, which is also one of those weird normal things that I postpone and getting one always ends up feeling like re-sitting some re-entrance to human society test.

Finished work ahead of the deadline tomorrow. Which is good in many aspects, but also leads me to fear tomorrow slightly. The weather is good, I've finished work ahead of time and ... well, the rest usually would be history. I must be very mindful of that tomorrow.

Recently, in my quiet moments, I've started to investigate the reasons that have led me time and again to picking up a drink. I'm not sure if it's just revisionist history I'm engaging in, but looking back - I see a lot of activities and behaviours that seem to stem from a debilitating fear of rejection. Starting with my childhood and all the way up to the present day. Why I mentioned 'revisionist' is because previously I'd attached completely different meanings, causes and causal links to certain behaviours. Those that, at times, were probably more favourable to me, because I could then just be a victim and not do anything about it.

Started reading Christopher Hitchens' Mortality. I sincerely hope everyone has or will find a writer whose work seems like it has been written specifically for them. And it won't even feel like a book, just like sitting by the lake with story-teller that surpasses everyone else in that skill.

A great quote from the book: "To the dumb question "Why me?" the cosmos barely bothers to return the reply: Why not?"

Pippo

If booze brought success (financial or otherwise), this forum probably wouldn't exist.

What is commonly portrayed by the media, a CEO with a a glass of sherry in one hand, and a Cuban in the other. Is totally farcical. I haven't met one actual CEO who does that actively on a regular basis.

It's far from easy hitting the big time being a normal person. Imagine how many times harder it would be for an active alcoholic.

You simply can't sail in two boats at once. Either enjoy your drink, and don't complain about being down on your luck. Because that ain't true.

Or put it down, and go get whatever it is you feel you deserve.

kk1k5x

That is good advice Pippo, thank you for that.

So it's the evening of day 4. As I expected, today the cravings showed up.

I felt them, they weren't unbearable, but not whimpers either. So, I focussed on them and 'played the tape'. Mostly, I just kept busy - and it's like the day just kept giving me tasks to complete, one after another. It's 5 pm and I've got more useful stuff done today than during the entire weekend last (plus Monday).

Also got some really good news today, which was a part of the chores that popped up. A process that started last September is finally coming to an end, a very positive one at that

And more work came in for the weekend, but it's lower intensity, so it's something that'll keep me occupied but also allow for rest.

I'm really going to enjoy tonight, cooking sweet n sour chicken, watching a movie and reading until I fall asleep.

I will not drink today.

kk1k5x

Really tough day, this one. My energy levels were up and down and all over the place.
I had set a goal for today's work. Early afternoon my energy just completely plumeted ... At 6.30 pm, I was at 40% of my mark and seriously considering dozing off for a couple of hours. Meditated on it a bit. Had a cup of coffee and decided to at least try and keep going with the work. I hit the 100% mark a little after midnight. Tired but satisfied.

Was having a glass of sparkling spring water with lemon (all the good salts and minerals that help with muscle soreness) on the balcony and winced at a thought that popped into my mind. On countless occasions, when days like today occurred, I put alcohol on top of everything else that was going on - and then didn't give a hoot ofc and had to deal with being (double) stressed out and panicky the next day.

Currently, I'm on pace to finish my work well before the deadline and will probably even have time for a movie tomorrow.

I did not drink today. And being sober was the clear winner.

Happyvale

Amen.

kk1k5x

Another tough one. Today it was like my brain decided to check out after 10 am, but didn't bother to tell me. Sluggish all day, I've had about 4 cups of coffee. Did get my work done, but it was slow going to say the least.
But I'm not complaining, I'm absolutely grateful for the opportunity to do this work. I just wish my brain would snap back into a more lively state.

In your experience, when did the initial sluggishness stop? A week? 2?

Whatever the time frame, I know it's going to happen.

Day 6. I did not drink today.

DontRemember

My sluggishness was back/fourth for the first month or so. Somedays were better than others of course,but one day I woke up and felt 'new'. It's very much like a break up. Some days I was happy 'they're gone' others I missed 'them'..eventually with enough NC(not drinking) the feelings/thoughts lessened,thus giving me more energy for myself in my new life. Takes time.

mariposa

PhoenixJ

Post instead of finding a reason to go to the shop, KK. Craving for me comes in waves....it receeds. Also why tempt? Go and shop somewhere where there is no booze for sale. Or go with someone for support.

fini

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post3836936 ("stages" of recovery)
you might find that useful , k, with regards to what you are experiencing physically, mentally and emotionally as you are moving through this process.
also, you mentioned you are investigating yourself and your relationship with alcohol, and it made me think of a “workbook” i found very useful, written by the founder of Lifering Secular Recovery: Martin Nicolaus’ ‘Recovery by Choice’.
you can check out about it as well as order it if you decide to from:
www.lifering.org
great to see you moving along!

Dee74

I had other medical issue so it took me about 90 days to find some energy.
It's still a pretty good deal after 20 years + of drinkng.

D

kk1k5x

Thank you everyone for your posts, I am very lucky to get this support and knowledge.

I decided to take a day off today, I need time for myself. Yesterday was a bit of an eye-opener. It's great to stay busy and keep my mind occupied in a useful way, but I can't push it too hard. I have to take a break or otherwise it'll lead to unnecessary levels of stress and that has usually ended with a beer in my hand. If the muscles aren't there yet, it's probably not too great of an idea to start with lifting the heavier weights instead of working my way there gradually.

I gather then that I still have some time to go, before things start clearing up. That's fine. I won't focus on that per se, but just accept that at times I will have to work for longer, because I'm slower. And be mindful about the accompanying stress - which has been fairly low all things considered, i.e. I'm not panicky about deadlines.

fini, thank you for that reference. I will email LifeRing about the international shipping quote. Would also suggest the other book Empowering your sober self? Have to admit - upon seeing the 30usd price, my brain went "that's pricey". How utterly ridiculous, because 30usd would be what I'd spend on beer and cigarettes in 1 or 1.5 evenings of consuming. (for reference, beer is about 1usd here and smokes are 4usd).

To PhoenixJ - it is actually impossible for me to get groceries without going to a store that sells alcohol. It's not regulated here that way. And the chain owners milk it as much as they can. For example, the isles are set in manner that, whatever else you want to get from the store, you absolutely have to at least pass by the booze section in order to check out. About 1/8 or 1/10 of the store area are shelves of booze. I did have to go to the store between 10am and 10pm the day before last. So, on one hand, I accept that I overstepped my rule, on the other hand, I got a lesson that I needed. The store that has the best choice of foodstuff also has a design 'flaw'. When you enter, the first thing you see through the cashiers' counters are stacks of 6-packs. As I saw it, I felt an actual phsyical reaction, because my heart rate elevated and the sensation was like a small adrenaline rush. I had never been alert or present enough to realise that's what goes down when I haven't touched the stuff for some days and am then 'presented' with it. It was scary and enlightening at the same time.
I got my stuff (specific grocery list that I prepared, so I could pretty much keep my eyes down as I traverse the store), paid and got out. Then meditated about it later. Being aware of 'the store' between 10am and 10pm works as a mental bookmark, the only time I don't have to think about being there would be before that (because there is no after, all the stores changed their closing time from 11pm to 10pm when the law changed about booze sales). I will make it a point to always be aware and mindful about that. And not over do it.

Thanks again for the support, I think the finale of Game of Thrones is now in order. Then I'll go for a walk and then I get to read.

PhoenixJ

You have thought it out really well, kk. Shops do that- display stuff you do not need, but want at the front of the store- with bread and milk down the back...

I just read a spoiler as to how GoT finishes. I watched the first 3 series 'seriously'- post burns...then just jumped to the final episode in every series...I tire of never ending fantasy stories- in print or in film form.

fini

i did not read Empower Your Sober Self but is has tons of positive feedback . it was published a couple of years after i got sober and was past my read-everything-i-can-find-on-getting-and-staying-sober first few months.
i particularly liked the workbook because it has questions to ask yourself. it made me stop and think/explore my experiences, attitudes, belief systems. which is what i enjoy.

kk1k5x

So I am almost done with today. I did get some rest, but I don't feel particularly rested. Problem was, the same thing happened as on the weekend: wake up very early/early, feel fine, eat, do my morning stuff, get on with the day (whatever I had planned or hoped to do). But at around 2 pm, my brain just goes zombie, like no movement at all. Unless I drink a cup of coffee. That sparks things up a little, but only temporarily.

Plus, around that 2pm time, I received feedback on my last work task. I spent the next 2-2.5 hours dealing with that. On one hand, that's good, because I put time into learning my new craft - on the other hand it's somewhat of a problem. An inability to relax or rest completely. I have to deal with that somehow, establish boundaries for things - if it's a day off, then I shouldn't bother with any work-related things, including feedback or random contact. It ramps up my brain and then drains it quite quickly. I need to learn how to rest.

How do you guys manage those boundaries?

I am also now waiting for a reply from LifeRing bookstore, because I would need the book shipped to Europe.

fini, I like workbooks, too (always did ever since school). At times, especially when feeling lost, it is good to have someone/something tell you what to do, step-by-step. Just have to make sure the advice and activities are for self improvement, not its opposite.

Phoenix, I'm with you on that to an extent. There are many people out there who would refer to us as 'barbarians' for even thinking that way. Some really enjoy the lore, the intricacies and the craft that goes into building a story. But, I agree that with fantasy books (especially if they're 500+ pages, tiny font), it's only the last 70-100 pages when it gets interesting - if you're not that likes-lore-type.

It's the end of Day 7. I did not drink today.

Dee74

Hi KKik

congrats on the week.

It took me longer than I'd like to admit to learn balance...my mind was always 'on'.

But eventually I learned the opposite of sittign around all day drinking was not working 20 hours a day.

The healthy middle is a balanced life. Work/Play. On/Off

I wouldn't expect anyone to have sorted that out in the first week - but you're obviously thinking about it so you're on your way

D

PhoenixJ

kk- I do love my fantasy..the best by far, for me is 'The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever', by Stephen Donalsdon...very dark in it's assessment of the deepest recesses of the human mind.