Wanted to go straight, but failed
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
It has meaning. Somewhere in there are references to my name 
but veiled in a 'this is the Internet, be careful now' type of way.
Less crowds means more me time with baffling art and architecture. I'm planning Rome and Florence. I'll probably be dumbfounded tbh, that's why I planned a bit more time for both cities and left out some options I thought of initially.
but veiled in a 'this is the Internet, be careful now' type of way.Less crowds means more me time with baffling art and architecture. I'm planning Rome and Florence. I'll probably be dumbfounded tbh, that's why I planned a bit more time for both cities and left out some options I thought of initially.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Canada
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Thats so awesome that you already have a friend down in Italy to meet up with and show you around! Im getting excited for you! Its kinda cool too that she knows you as only sober kk1k- you can just continue being the awesome person shes always known- and dont even have to explain your changes or why you dont drink anymore... that is.. unless you want to!
So proud of you for 100 days!
So proud of you for 100 days!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
A belated congratulations on passing the 100 days milestone kk. It was some time shortly after that number that I no longer knew, without checking, how many sober days I had. A good thing.
It's wonderful that you are travelling to Italy, doubly so for having an Italian friend to meet there. You're in for a treat.
It's wonderful that you are travelling to Italy, doubly so for having an Italian friend to meet there. You're in for a treat.
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Thanks guys 
Today was quiet. Got offered a pretty big work, but had to decline because of the manuscript process. Fortunately, there was shorter work available a little later, so at least something is coming in.
I've felt weird this evening, thinking about the trip. I hope I dont ruin it by psyching myself out. Can't do a longer post right now, but often on trips while I enjoyed the quiet "me" time, I also sometimes felt...out of place. Precisely because I was alone. Like I felt weird stepping into restaurants by myself, although I really wanted to taste various foods. So instead I opted for pizza, because it didnt feel as stressful. I dont know how to get over myself at times. And often I feel like I had great plans, but I only feel comfortable once I'm, you know, already at a museum. At least there I know what I'm doing and sightseeing doesnt take much courage...but other places, I just feel stupid and that bothers me.
Any advice for that. Anyone had similar feelings/thoughts?
End of Day 102. I did not drink today.
Today was quiet. Got offered a pretty big work, but had to decline because of the manuscript process. Fortunately, there was shorter work available a little later, so at least something is coming in.
I've felt weird this evening, thinking about the trip. I hope I dont ruin it by psyching myself out. Can't do a longer post right now, but often on trips while I enjoyed the quiet "me" time, I also sometimes felt...out of place. Precisely because I was alone. Like I felt weird stepping into restaurants by myself, although I really wanted to taste various foods. So instead I opted for pizza, because it didnt feel as stressful. I dont know how to get over myself at times. And often I feel like I had great plans, but I only feel comfortable once I'm, you know, already at a museum. At least there I know what I'm doing and sightseeing doesnt take much courage...but other places, I just feel stupid and that bothers me.
Any advice for that. Anyone had similar feelings/thoughts?
End of Day 102. I did not drink today.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've done quite a lot of traveling alone and really I prefer it. There are always plenty enough people with whom I can talk if I start feeling lonely.
Not just at bars, but anywhere!
Also, pizza in Rome doesn't sound like a bad thing to me.
Not just at bars, but anywhere!
Also, pizza in Rome doesn't sound like a bad thing to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Why don’t you take us in your pocket, as virtual (sleeping) companions. into the restaurants on your trip. Then afterwards, you can wake us up, and you can report back to us, so we can salivate and relish your wonderful experience, second hand! I’d like that.
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Not a particularly good day. Tried calling my grandmother, tell her the news about my trip. Didn't even get to that -"where'd you get the money?" - "I have money" - "but you are not doing the book translation" - "I have my plan with it" - "You have NO DETERMINATION, you already said you were gonna start with it, but you didn't and ..." *beep*. Yes, I hung up mid-sentence. Grandma or not, I was not in the mood for someone taking a **** in my soul today.
So that always (and more so, recently) drives me to my wit's end. On one side ...she's grandma, has helped me a lot and been kind. On the other hand, she just does this everytime. People actually have stopped calling her, because she shoves 'advice' down everyone's throat. She keeps interfering in things that are none of her business and then pouts when people don't pat her on the back for a job well-done. She's always right, everyone else is wrong. Sometimes everyone else is also evil and mean and don't appreciate her etc. We do appreciate her and everything she's done for the family, but it's really difficult to pick up the phone or go visit, if you know you're gonna get dressed down and leave feeling like ****. That's not specific to me, she does that to the entire family.
For a time, I took it. My drinking and everything that comes with that were a big issue with lots of drama, failure, helplessness and so on. Also money. Grandma has helped everyone in terms of money. In general, I find people who say they do something out of the goodness of their heart, but actually always-always-always expect something in return, quite revolting and deceiving. Can't really apply that to her in full extent, right? This type of modern family slavery is a big issue. Some keep their distance, some still try, some can't avoid and are slowly but surely going insane.
No one's gonna change an 80+ yr old lady. But I'm also not going to get verbally abused simply because I'm not doing what she thinks is right. I'm breaking this cycle of insanity for myself and I'm not beholden to anyone. If people want to 'claim damages or compensation', then we should have set rules before the game, not make them up afterwards.
This type of thing always irritates and puts me in a foul mood. Someone close to you, telling you that you're basically worthless. Never good enough. When I drank, it was the drinking. When I'm not drinking, it's my weight or smoking or XYZ. This time it was the advance payment I got for the book translation. It was a large sum, yes, and I'm still at 5-6% completion with the work, because I have indeed been focussing on other things. The deadline is in ... THREE YEARS. **** sake. Not only is this no one else's business but mine, since it's only my neck on the chopping block, but there's also nothing out of sorts with the timelines. I wanted to erase some 'manuscript debts', get better at my day job and then replace the timeslot that's left from writing research papers with the book translation - so that the day job and book are priorities 1 and 2, with some smaller scale future research projects never going above 3 on a permanent basis until the book is done. That was my plan - figured whilst completely sober and taking into account most if not all contingencies.
Still. That wasn't enough. Apparently I'm some sort of no-good thief, because ... I'm using a scholarship/specific purpose cultural support that is meant EXACTLY FOR USING WHILST TRANSLATING HOWEVER LONG THAT ******* TAKES. Wasn't planning on drinking and smoking that money away - that money was a big part of why I'm sober today - it's what it symbolised to me, a new start, a clean slate.
Aaaarghh!! It's been 10 hours since the phone call. Now I finally got to let it all out. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I'm actually calm, just in a foul mood.
End of Day 103. I did not drink today.
So that always (and more so, recently) drives me to my wit's end. On one side ...she's grandma, has helped me a lot and been kind. On the other hand, she just does this everytime. People actually have stopped calling her, because she shoves 'advice' down everyone's throat. She keeps interfering in things that are none of her business and then pouts when people don't pat her on the back for a job well-done. She's always right, everyone else is wrong. Sometimes everyone else is also evil and mean and don't appreciate her etc. We do appreciate her and everything she's done for the family, but it's really difficult to pick up the phone or go visit, if you know you're gonna get dressed down and leave feeling like ****. That's not specific to me, she does that to the entire family.
For a time, I took it. My drinking and everything that comes with that were a big issue with lots of drama, failure, helplessness and so on. Also money. Grandma has helped everyone in terms of money. In general, I find people who say they do something out of the goodness of their heart, but actually always-always-always expect something in return, quite revolting and deceiving. Can't really apply that to her in full extent, right? This type of modern family slavery is a big issue. Some keep their distance, some still try, some can't avoid and are slowly but surely going insane.
No one's gonna change an 80+ yr old lady. But I'm also not going to get verbally abused simply because I'm not doing what she thinks is right. I'm breaking this cycle of insanity for myself and I'm not beholden to anyone. If people want to 'claim damages or compensation', then we should have set rules before the game, not make them up afterwards.
This type of thing always irritates and puts me in a foul mood. Someone close to you, telling you that you're basically worthless. Never good enough. When I drank, it was the drinking. When I'm not drinking, it's my weight or smoking or XYZ. This time it was the advance payment I got for the book translation. It was a large sum, yes, and I'm still at 5-6% completion with the work, because I have indeed been focussing on other things. The deadline is in ... THREE YEARS. **** sake. Not only is this no one else's business but mine, since it's only my neck on the chopping block, but there's also nothing out of sorts with the timelines. I wanted to erase some 'manuscript debts', get better at my day job and then replace the timeslot that's left from writing research papers with the book translation - so that the day job and book are priorities 1 and 2, with some smaller scale future research projects never going above 3 on a permanent basis until the book is done. That was my plan - figured whilst completely sober and taking into account most if not all contingencies.
Still. That wasn't enough. Apparently I'm some sort of no-good thief, because ... I'm using a scholarship/specific purpose cultural support that is meant EXACTLY FOR USING WHILST TRANSLATING HOWEVER LONG THAT ******* TAKES. Wasn't planning on drinking and smoking that money away - that money was a big part of why I'm sober today - it's what it symbolised to me, a new start, a clean slate.
Aaaarghh!! It's been 10 hours since the phone call. Now I finally got to let it all out. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I'm actually calm, just in a foul mood.
End of Day 103. I did not drink today.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, the older members of my family who were difficult in that way (not my grandmother, she was awesomesauce) I had to learn to let it go in one ear and out the other.
I was getting myself all worked up about, "How They Treat People," and even though I had valid points, I wasn't gonna change them.
In early sobriety I stayed away from people who pushed my buttons, and now with some sober time no one can really push them.
I'm sorry it's not the loving accepting relationship you'd like. I agree that taking care of your own needs is the solution, and that can mean limiting time listening to her.
I was getting myself all worked up about, "How They Treat People," and even though I had valid points, I wasn't gonna change them.
In early sobriety I stayed away from people who pushed my buttons, and now with some sober time no one can really push them.
I'm sorry it's not the loving accepting relationship you'd like. I agree that taking care of your own needs is the solution, and that can mean limiting time listening to her.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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I have to agree with both of you, Dee and bim.
Partly because "Would I miss the good conversations we've had over the years?", absolutely. The other part, however, relates to how much verbal abuse and belittling I am willing to take to reach one more decent conversation with her.
As it currently stands, unfortunately, I view our recent interactions as something that simply tarnishes all the good times we've had. To an extent (a growing one), the current situation is also related to my internal development in early sobriety. When I was drinking, I was more than happy to abide by other people's rules. In fact, it was so much easier to take orders and guidance, because I was pretty much unable to make decisions for myself. Or, I could have made them myself, but I simply didn't. At least not decisions that were substantial.
Early as it is, my sober experience has forced me to take responsibility for my own screw ups. The manuscript I'm to finish by Sept 1 is a good example. I let emotions (someone saying I did well) guide my plans rather than reason of what can and cannot be accomplished in a certain period of time and whether the journal is worth the trouble. Since I'm not going 'phone in' an article regardless of the journal, I had a decision to make - walk back my promise or take on the extra work that puts me under significant pressure. I want my sobriety to be different from my drinking, so unless it's unavoidable due to some major reason, I will stay away from voiding what I've already promised.
And all of these instances teach me something, about myself and the world. I used to be fine with taking direction, now I feel like I have a choice and say in the matter. Do I mess up? Sure and I'll probably continue to do it every now and again like all other humans. But I'm no longer blindly and deafly going to follow instruction if I don't see it as beneficial. And the fact that something is preferred by other people is really none of my concern.
Grandma has never had anyone really stand up to her. I'm not mentioning this in some sort of 'I'm the martyr' type way, but this lack of has allowed her to manipulate pretty much everyone in the family. If you disagree, her heart problems act up, then you feel guilty. If you agree, you feel miserable and beholden. But instead of doing it in a confrontational matter - given that 'setting someone straight' simply doesn't work on really old people, they are the way they are - I am going to establish healthy boundaries. I've engaged in too much people pleasing over the years with very little benefit in terms of my well-being.
Thanks for the advice and support
Partly because "Would I miss the good conversations we've had over the years?", absolutely. The other part, however, relates to how much verbal abuse and belittling I am willing to take to reach one more decent conversation with her.
As it currently stands, unfortunately, I view our recent interactions as something that simply tarnishes all the good times we've had. To an extent (a growing one), the current situation is also related to my internal development in early sobriety. When I was drinking, I was more than happy to abide by other people's rules. In fact, it was so much easier to take orders and guidance, because I was pretty much unable to make decisions for myself. Or, I could have made them myself, but I simply didn't. At least not decisions that were substantial.
Early as it is, my sober experience has forced me to take responsibility for my own screw ups. The manuscript I'm to finish by Sept 1 is a good example. I let emotions (someone saying I did well) guide my plans rather than reason of what can and cannot be accomplished in a certain period of time and whether the journal is worth the trouble. Since I'm not going 'phone in' an article regardless of the journal, I had a decision to make - walk back my promise or take on the extra work that puts me under significant pressure. I want my sobriety to be different from my drinking, so unless it's unavoidable due to some major reason, I will stay away from voiding what I've already promised.
And all of these instances teach me something, about myself and the world. I used to be fine with taking direction, now I feel like I have a choice and say in the matter. Do I mess up? Sure and I'll probably continue to do it every now and again like all other humans. But I'm no longer blindly and deafly going to follow instruction if I don't see it as beneficial. And the fact that something is preferred by other people is really none of my concern.
Grandma has never had anyone really stand up to her. I'm not mentioning this in some sort of 'I'm the martyr' type way, but this lack of has allowed her to manipulate pretty much everyone in the family. If you disagree, her heart problems act up, then you feel guilty. If you agree, you feel miserable and beholden. But instead of doing it in a confrontational matter - given that 'setting someone straight' simply doesn't work on really old people, they are the way they are - I am going to establish healthy boundaries. I've engaged in too much people pleasing over the years with very little benefit in terms of my well-being.
Thanks for the advice and support
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To close off the day. I finished my translation for the weekend and now there's the issue of S3 of True Detective.
But I'm fine with this weekend being what it was. I got the small work done, some feedback read/considered regarding the manuscript and some computer games as well (mostly yesterday evening in an effort to chase away those recurring thoughts about the "phone call").
End of Day 104. I did not drink today.
But I'm fine with this weekend being what it was. I got the small work done, some feedback read/considered regarding the manuscript and some computer games as well (mostly yesterday evening in an effort to chase away those recurring thoughts about the "phone call").
End of Day 104. I did not drink today.
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Another busy day of writing. Brain was pretty tired by early evening, but I got a good amount done.
Got an atta boy from the professor, that gave extra motivation to keep pushing. The experience is so very different when you have someone in your corner and you don't have to always go at it alone.
Tomorrow will be more writing. Hoping to be done or almost done by Wednesday.
Also need to do some more trip planning, look at venue tickets and public transport options.
End of Day 105. I did not drink today.
Got an atta boy from the professor, that gave extra motivation to keep pushing. The experience is so very different when you have someone in your corner and you don't have to always go at it alone.
Tomorrow will be more writing. Hoping to be done or almost done by Wednesday.
Also need to do some more trip planning, look at venue tickets and public transport options.
End of Day 105. I did not drink today.
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Working, working, working. Well, making up for lost time. I can personally screw up my day by making the wrong decisions in the morning.
The motivation well has not dried up just yet, but it's showing signs of doing so soon. But I still have the "gem" of my findings to discuss in the manuscript. I found some very peculiar ways in which ex-partners stalks each other online and the ends they go to just to make the other person feel horrible. Interesting and appalling at the same time.
Gotta keep my fingers moving before the motivation runs out completely. Presenting the file to the professor is tomorrow evening, so I'd best "just hold on" and get this done.
Once this is done, I need to discuss some cravings I've had recently. Starting to bother me, because it's starting to feel like I've plateaud. Hearing inebriated people talking when passing by my apt building isn't helping.
End of Day 106. I did not drink today.
The motivation well has not dried up just yet, but it's showing signs of doing so soon. But I still have the "gem" of my findings to discuss in the manuscript. I found some very peculiar ways in which ex-partners stalks each other online and the ends they go to just to make the other person feel horrible. Interesting and appalling at the same time.
Gotta keep my fingers moving before the motivation runs out completely. Presenting the file to the professor is tomorrow evening, so I'd best "just hold on" and get this done.
Once this is done, I need to discuss some cravings I've had recently. Starting to bother me, because it's starting to feel like I've plateaud. Hearing inebriated people talking when passing by my apt building isn't helping.
End of Day 106. I did not drink today.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Any thought of drinking is your Addiction trying to yank you back in.
Don't fall for it.
"Thanks for piping up, but I don't drink," usually does the trick. It's normal to have thoughts of drinking, it was a part of my life that had tentacles everywhere.
Don't fall for it.
"Thanks for piping up, but I don't drink," usually does the trick. It's normal to have thoughts of drinking, it was a part of my life that had tentacles everywhere.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 93
You are doing so wonderfully. Just kick those thoughts to the curb. As you said, you couldn’t have accomplished all of this wonderful work if you had given in to the AV. As far as boundaries are concerned, I agree. If anything is going to threaten your 106 days and counting, you need to set appropriate boundaries. I so so so hope that I never become an older person who manipulates people for my own satisfaction. Live and let live. Wish the best for others. For myself, I have to make sure that my own guilt over past mistakes doesn’t enable me to be manipulated into doing (and buying/paying for) things for others that really isn’t healthy for me to do (buy/pay for). It is so hard to accomplish. Again, keep it up, you’re doing great!
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Thanks for all the support guys, it means a lot
I finished the thing!!! Ugh. Sent it a couple of hours ago and now going to take tomorrow off. Never went from zero to ...something hopefully good at this tempo.
I need to rest. Probably a movie tonight and see what's what tomorrow.
End of Day 107. I did not drink today.
I finished the thing!!! Ugh. Sent it a couple of hours ago and now going to take tomorrow off. Never went from zero to ...something hopefully good at this tempo.
I need to rest. Probably a movie tonight and see what's what tomorrow.
End of Day 107. I did not drink today.
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Today was pleasantly leisurely. Although I did get up already at 4.45 am, not sure why.
Since I'm basically waiting for feedback from the professor, I started editing another of my manuscripts. It's kinda close to being finished, but not quite there yet. The first part I've gone over time and time again, rewriting it at least 3-4 times. The other half, not so much. But I think I made some important progress today, where the first half is actually now '95% the way I want it to be', which is more than I usually get.
Since the one I submitted yesterday will be sent to a journal already on Sunday and the second manuscript kinda close to being ready, I like the option of submitting two works for review and the focussing entirely on the book translation until the end of the year. If I make it my priority focus, I should be able to get a lot done (ofc I've said this here and to myself previously as well, but in the past, the 'unfinished manuscripts' always bugged the hell outta me). So the logic is that if the 'unfinished' things no longer bother me, it'd be easier to focus on translating - doing the book and whatever daily work comes in. I personally kinda like the feeling of this idea, my gut seems to agree with the plan.
End of Day 108. I did not drink today.
Since I'm basically waiting for feedback from the professor, I started editing another of my manuscripts. It's kinda close to being finished, but not quite there yet. The first part I've gone over time and time again, rewriting it at least 3-4 times. The other half, not so much. But I think I made some important progress today, where the first half is actually now '95% the way I want it to be', which is more than I usually get.
Since the one I submitted yesterday will be sent to a journal already on Sunday and the second manuscript kinda close to being ready, I like the option of submitting two works for review and the focussing entirely on the book translation until the end of the year. If I make it my priority focus, I should be able to get a lot done (ofc I've said this here and to myself previously as well, but in the past, the 'unfinished manuscripts' always bugged the hell outta me). So the logic is that if the 'unfinished' things no longer bother me, it'd be easier to focus on translating - doing the book and whatever daily work comes in. I personally kinda like the feeling of this idea, my gut seems to agree with the plan.
End of Day 108. I did not drink today.
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Another early start day filled mostly with work/writing. I received feedback from the professor and it was positive with some further recommendations for improvement. So I spent the day doing that. Received that answer, too, and it was even more positive.
In general, the professor said "respect! for the effort". No one ever used the word 'respect' with me when I was drinking. For most other people this type of "respect, bro!" might seem like a very everyday thing. However, it has profound meaning to me. Earning (even if only a little bit of) respect from someone who works incredibly hard and is thus my role model in all of this has special meaning. None of this - the writing, keeping the tempo, finishing the manuscript, making reasonable changes and STILL being a couple of days ahead of the deadline - would be possible without my sobriety. Today and that last email from the professor was the first time since I was a teetotalling teenager that anyone has complimented me on my work ethic. My eyes watered up a bit as I was writing this short paragraph. From joy.
End of Day 109. I did not drink today.
In general, the professor said "respect! for the effort". No one ever used the word 'respect' with me when I was drinking. For most other people this type of "respect, bro!" might seem like a very everyday thing. However, it has profound meaning to me. Earning (even if only a little bit of) respect from someone who works incredibly hard and is thus my role model in all of this has special meaning. None of this - the writing, keeping the tempo, finishing the manuscript, making reasonable changes and STILL being a couple of days ahead of the deadline - would be possible without my sobriety. Today and that last email from the professor was the first time since I was a teetotalling teenager that anyone has complimented me on my work ethic. My eyes watered up a bit as I was writing this short paragraph. From joy.
End of Day 109. I did not drink today.
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Oh kk1k, what a heart-lifting post. You’re doing so well, as witnessed by your professor! Congratulations on Day 108. Your hard earned progress (in all respects) made me tear up a little too, when you said you felt joy. Sporadic joy, well earned joy, how wonderful, well done you!
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