Sober but too late...
 

I'm 4 months sober and going through hell. I guess I just want to ask is this normal and when will it get better? I realise now that with sobriety comes clarity, but I'm tortured by flashbacks of things I did and said while hostage to alcohol. I'm so ashamed of my past behaviours and the damage I caused. I've reached out to my now ex husband and estranged daughter, but the emotional scars run too deep and they won't forgive me. I'm sober but hurting so much.

Please, If you've got loved ones standing by you and you're struggling with sobriety, just imagine a future without them. Stop drinking now, while you still have their love, respect and support.

Congratulations on 4 months of sobriety. I'm very sorry that your husband and daughter have distanced themselves from you. Of course, the best thing you can do is to stay sober. They may have a change of heart in the future.

Congratulations on 4 months! That's a big accomplishment. You're on the road to many, many changes for the better inside.

I was very psychologically messed up in my first year or two of sobriety, and I didn't have good relationships. Except on SR -- I leaned a lot on the community here. I hope you will, too. There's support & care & wisdom here to help you while you rebuild.

:hug:

4 months is wonderful, loopylou. Please be kind to yourself & don't let the past ruin this achievement. I went through the same thing - it is completely normal to have regrets & remorse. The understanding I found here at SR helped take the sting out of the pain I was in. Those who were hurt & offended by my behavior eventually decided they missed having me in their life & decided to be more accepting. I know they never truly understood what I went through though.

Keep going with your head held high.

It's never too late to get sober. With luck, fences can be mended in the future. At the least, you'll create new and positive relationships in the future. But don't give up on your daughter, ever.

As long as you're still breathing, it's not too late. :hug:

Its not too late for sobriety. Life may be different than you expected with sobriety, but you are on the right track. Forgiveness takes time. Sometimes lots of time.

great job on 4 months

our (the fellowship) experience has been that if you stay sober and follow a program of recovery ....

life gets better!

:thanks

LoopyLou69, I have nearly 300 days so I'm not that much further down the road than you and I just posted something similar. I get depressed when I reach milestones like 3, 6, 9 months, because I reflect back on all the damage I created and time and memories lost. Guess what, what you're going through is normal for where you are. You're okay. These are your emotions poking through years of being numbed. I tried to stop drinking several times on my own. I knew I lacked the will power, but I kept trying. I distinctly remember having a conversation with my teenage daughter telling her I was trying to quit and her saying the words "empty promises again". I finally I walked into an AA meeting not knowing what to expect and low and behold, the clouds parted and I discovered that I was not alone in this disease. Since then my recovery has progressed and now my relationship with both my daughters is so much better. The love and hugs I receive are accompanied with words of how proud they are of me. Its funny, I walked into the rooms of AA for my kids and discovered the only way I could help them was to help myself first, then everything else would fall in line and it has. Please know the emotions your feeling are completely normal. They may feel overwhelming at times, but try not to feel overwhelmed. Check out my post on Chip Depression and read the great advice others gave me. We are in the same boat. :)

Hi loopylou :)

it took a while for some relationships in my life to be mended. Its hard to accept but we can't set the timetable for someone elses forgiveness.

Like Anna said, the best thing we can do is keep doing the next right thing - stay sober, become the people we want to be and try to be patient in mending fences and relationships.

I hope the next 4 months will see more healing for you and your loved ones :)

D

I am touched by all the kind words of understanding and encouragement, thank you everyone. I am feeling more positive about the future now. I appreciate that I have a long road ahead of me, and that although I am walking it without my loved ones I have the support of my SR family.

Congrats on 4 Months Loopy Lou your post really resonated with me. In fact made me cry. My husband has recently left me and how I wished I'd imagined a future without him. My recent relapse was the last straw for him and now my future is to be without him. However I am going to put my recovery before anything now (Day 1) and hope that maybe he & I could at least be friends sometime in the future, I hope that for you in the future too with your daughter and ex. Best wishes for your continued recovery. Sweetpeacan

It is so important to learn from our past mistakes but it is equally as important to move on. Dwelling on past mistakes isn't going to do anything except make us depressed. It does nothing positive.

As others have mentioned in time those relationships that were ruined because of our addiction should be mended. Just be patient. And if it doesnt happen, again, look at it as a harsh lesson.

It is never too late as long as we are breathing. Unfortunately, time for which we have no control is what it takes to heal old wounds. We can't rush or force things to happen. All we can do is the next right thing and time will do the rest. It is best for me no to bang my head and force things to happen where I can't, but instead to focus on the things i can do today. No matter how bad things appear we have to look for joy in the things we can find and appreciate life for what it is. One thing for sure I have found after many years of experience is that a drink NEVER helped anything for ME.

Way to go on 4 months, keep up the grat work. While it is HARD, drinking is much harder.
It takes time to heal, as it took time to ruin things.
I stopped thinking about the crap I did while drunk as it served me no purpose. Don't get me wrong I will never forget my last drunk and what I did and I always play the tape forward if I have an urge. To be honest the urge doesnt come to me anymore, alcohol has been so far removed from my life, I just dont think about it as I know its grasp and destruction.

It'll get better as long as you continue the path.

Blessings,
DC

LoopyLou - I understand what you are going through. I hurt people deeply while I was drinking. I almost lost forever a relationship that is very very important to me because of my behavior and lies. He didn't trust me, and told me he might never trust me again. It hurt. But I figured out that I could not set a timeline for him, and that there was literally NO CHANCE he'd ever trust me again if I kept drinking and giving him reasons not to. I didn't get sober for him, I did it for myself, but the hope that he'd eventually trust me again was a huge motivator on the rough days early on. It took a long time. I had to wonder for months if it would ever get better. I cried A LOT. But I persevered, because I could feel life turning around for me, even when it was hard. I was going to outpatient treatment and AA, and seeing others succeed in long-term sobriety was really an inspiration to me. I finally got to a point where I accepted that I may never regain the trust of some people in my life. But I trusted MYSELF again, and that was huge. I knew I'd be ok, even if some of my relationships weren't. And you know what? He trusts me again. He's once again my very best friend, ever. So it can and does happen.

Learning to forgive myself took over a year, and was one of the most beautiful freedoms that came with getting sober. Keep going.

Congrats on your 4 months sober time, Loopylou.

For me, life has involved a good deal of pain, but that was especially the case during early sobriety.

I'm glad you have found the strength to vocalize the pain and ask for help.

I did what Ironpigs mentions above - namely, going to AA, where I learned to work on my personality traits and issues.

That work has included making amends as needed.

I have seen the hardest of hearts melt with forgiveness when someone sees that we are staying sober and changing our lives.

I had to just do it, without calling attention to myself or looking for overt approval, and let people see what I was doing.

In my case, my loved ones heard what I said, but they learned to trust what they saw.

I credit asking God for help and getting it through AA to helping me get sober and stay sober over the course of the last few 24 hours, so to speak.

We're very happy you're here with us.

how are things loopylou?

D