abgator

I had not, but I'm going to now! Thanks

I think I was skeptical about AA because I've never been very religious. Despite that it's certainly for all groups, my personal experience with those in AA was a little preachy. And as I continued down my spiral, I lost what little faith I did. I'm still going to give other AA groups I haven't tried a chance, but I'm definitely going to look into S.M.A.R.T. At this point I really can't afford to try each and every avenue.

Happyvale

Oh I hear that. I have struggled with AA based recovery due to IMO almost military like rigidity (please folks no hailstorm of hurt intended). When I pose a question, I don't like being told to read page 96. AA gets community right I think....but I just don't think this is not a one size fits all sort of problem. Some of us may need a multi-facet approach. I drink too much...to a degree that limits my potential and has caused embarrassment or issues with and for others. I've been drinking problematically for hmmmm..... well a lot of years lol. Contrary to AA theory...it hasn't gotten worse. In ways I have grown more responsible with my drinking but I still drink way too much. I did not end up in jail or dead and in actuality, I am more financially solvent than I have ever been in my entire life. I've sat in AA meetings where people tell me who I am or where I'm going. Guess what...all wrong. But that does not mean I don't want to change...that I'm seeking all my answers in all the wrong places (mostly at the bottom of a bottle). So where the eff do I fit in? I end up feeling like an outsider rather than relating. I don't drink until I **** myself. I don't drink and drive anymore. I don't get into fights. I don't drink during the day. No one is truly concerned with the level I drink. My doctor hasn't raised an eyebrow. I do a good job at work.....But have I probably wasted most of my life and potential? Ya...pretty effing sure. Sorry...maybe I'm not helping this thread whatsoever. Hijack. My apologies.

MLD51

The thing about AA is, it's just a gathering of folks. So what you experience one day might be completely different from what you experience another day, depending on the mix of people in the room. It is somewhat true that people tend to gravitate to certain meetings and stick with them, though. There's one meeting at my club I won't go to because a couple of the people who regularly attend it drive me nuts. There's a lot of good stuff to be learned from AA - I take what works for me and leave the rest. I'm not religious. I tend to tune out the word God and think of a different sort of higher power completely. Works for me. I don't listen to the people who tell me I'm going to end up in the gutter if I don't keep going to meetings. I don't want to operate from a place of fear, some people in AA will try to scare you, for no good reason. But it's not the program itself, just individual people.

If there were S.M.A.R.T meetings in my area I'd go to them. I like that approach. But AA has been good for me - I have met a few really great folks who are my good friends now. And I really needed that. And I have worked the steps and gotten a lot out of that. Self-discovery.

abgator

That's what my dad doesn't understand. AA isn't a group of Dr's that gets to the true root. It's support and while it may help, it's not professional help. Which is where I want to start.

I wanted to respond more, but I have to go get my little girl and head to my parents house. At least tonight will be better

Happyvale

For all that I have issue with.... as MLD notes - there is still a very big contingent of good that cannot be denied. I am in no way trying to discourage anyone for taking in that good. It is not my intention to slag its honourable intention and results. I just know...for my particular type of drinking problem - it doesn't fit its mold so to speak. I know... I have tried - not once, twice but thrice. My failure is not indicative of anyone's else's possibility of success.

tomsteve

how about
day 2 for the LAST time.

Della1968

August252015

Hey Abgator- Imma put all program discussion and outpatient and good things you are considering aside.

The FIRST thing you have to do is stop drinking. Today, if you have been. I am saying this because a lot of times we can play around with stuff like "just gotta wait on them to call me back" about a dr/treatment place, or "when I can get a ride to a meeting" or.....

I have also found and seen a whole lot of us realize stuff about ourselves we didn't expect or consider ourselves like, ie the not being touchy feely (for you) or for me, that I actually am a pretty good compartmentalizer about what I did in the past and letting it stay there (now that I am sober).

Glad you are here. It's up to YOU only - not anyone else's opinions whether ours or your dad's or... - about what you choose to do and how you choose to do it.

Happyvale

Isn't that funny... when I wrote my response I actually wondered to myself if that AAism was going to rear its head. I spent enough time to know probably every one there is. Sure did.

My apologies Della if the remark was is no way in response to my comments. It's just funny that what I wondered actually appeared. Although I do believe there is some sort of quantum hypothesis theory that pretty much proves ..the observer discovers exactly what they expect to.

I'm on day 3 sober...so I'm still outta sorts and think the world revolves around me.

Anyway a person gets and stays sober is ding ding ding ...the winner in my book.

Dee74

Sounds like you have a good grasp of what this is gonna take and whats out there available to help you.

I was an all day every day drinker.
If I can make it anyone can man

D

abgator

3 days sober. No desire to drink, as with each of the previous times I went into withdrawals. But a couple things in the last 18 hours tested me. My dad kinda let loose on me. He still thinks alcoholism is a choice and anyone can just say "not drink". I snapped and told him it's not that F'n simple and Alcoholism absolutely is a disease. We don't always have the strength to just "give a call" at that moment because a part of our brains are broken, for a lack of a better word. I explained to him AA is just a group of other alcoholics, sometimes people drunk during the meeting. They aren't doctors, counselors, etc. He expected some 2 month miracle cure. I need to find some literature to send my mom and make him read it. He's never been known for his patience. And my mom did tell me he'd had a few drinks before I got there. And my daughter was in the other room and likely heard some of this, which infuriated me. Her walking into the kitchen likely saved an ugly fight.

And just before I got on this board, my ex came to pick up the girl to take to a festival. I missed a couple days with my daughter earlier in the week because I was drunk, but I told her then I'd be fine for my weekend. She kept her anyway, but let me get her last night. I'm fine with her having her for Mother's day, but this is my weekend. But when she showed up at my house with her boyfriend, it was almost like an instant anxiety attack. I called as soon as she left and said to bring her back to me after the festival and pick her up for Mom's day if she wants, but I want the rest of my weekend. Of course she thought it was solely because the guy was staying with them...and I do hate my daughter being around another guy...but it's my weekend. I shouldn't lose out because I made a mistake a week ago. 5 years later I shouldn't let this crap get to me.

But in the past, I would have poured a drink as soon as my heart started racing instead of coming here. Here I am, reading other stories and venting to you. I'm very glad I found you folks.

Happyvale

Whose weekend does Father's Day fall on?

abgator

Doesn't matter. It's in the settlement that each of us always gets our respective days, regardless of whose weekend it falls on. But you get them for the day, not the entire weekend.

Unfortunately, my ex is a master at manipulating our daughter with fun promises and then makes her think it was her idea. She's only 8, so it's easy to do. In the end, the kid was already too excited for the plans and I'd have been the mean dad if I forced her to come stay with me. So now I sit alone, looking up therapists. The only outpatient rehab I could find, with insurance, came out to $660 a week. Trying to find a qualified psychologist specializing in rehab who takes me insurance and I can just have my $60 copay.

Happyvale

$660 a week? Holy Hannah - they think only rich people have drinking problems or what? That's insane. And it's outpatient? Like they don't even house or feed ya for that? Wow. I would imagine you could find such a thing no? Although mental health care is very busy up here with waiting lists...I do believe such a thing like you seek is in my 'hood which is quite a bit teenier than yours. I have faith you will find what you need. Ya know... like Mick and the boys say.

KremlinDusk

Good luck on finding the right program for your recovery, bro. My choice was fairly simple. Im not very social, not to say Im antisocial, but group settings make feel awkward because I really dont know what to say most times. Im more of a listener/reader and I can articulate my thoughts better via posting, so this forum has been perfect for me.

Sucks you're going through so much crap lately while attempting sobriety but Im glad you still resisted. Stick around and hang in there, bud.

abgator

Yeah, $660 a week for 3 evening visits. Nothing at the University is cheap, not sure why I expected any different for mental health. It just shows what a racket the entire health care system is. Last night I sent a couple emails to psychotherapists who deal in substance abuse. I believe they were around $100 a visit. I'm hoping bi-weekly appointments will be sufficient while filling my other time with AA, SMART, this website. Luckily half my time I have the kid and I can stay away from alcohol when I have her. It's those bi-weekly stretches where I don't see her for 4 or 5 days that tripped me up.

I'm getting a plan together. I just hope I can stick to it. It's so easy to talk about it and the first month for me is quite easy. Once I get comfortable and complacent and the physical and mental reminders of the benders and withdrawals have passed.....

abgator

Thanks. I'm somewhat similar...or I should say it varies on the situation. My past job I had to deal with a lot of people and I've trained groups of people. Talking to a group wasn't a problem, but I usually knew most of them. Strangers is a different story though. Though I guess if you get to know the group, after a while I may be comfortable enough to speak.

Happyvale

Ironically enough, the advocacy work I do has me dealing with a few folks in recovery and I know a few of them have bi weekly psychology counseling in conjunction with other programs and they appear to be doing just fine (although now that I think of it - one of them has not returned my recent wellness check queries after odd behaviour in the workplace). Although I don't subscribe to the word "disease" as so much an issue of the neurosystem, our brains our so accustomed to thinking a certain way or believing the romantic or just plain bullsh*t it can come up with - ya it's tough. I have gotten so much accomplished this weekend just by the very simple act of ....not drinking. Everything is better already.....WTF

Okay maybe not so "simple" lol.... but just yesterday when driving home from town after forgetting something on the first trip (argh) I reminded myself that my brain is going to try to remind me to drink ....over and over and over. It's going to tell me it's a "good idea" when in fact...it's clearly not. There's a wiseman around here who likes to say "no one ever regretted not drinking last night".

abgator

I guess it's been lumped in now, neuro issues, as diseases because it's both easier to get treated for and more likely to be accepted by outsiders. The average person who's not informed will say we just lack will power and it should be easy. Scientists, Docs, and Researchers will say that no, it's not a disease like cancer, but it's a disease like diabetes. There's no real cure, only treatment and active work to keep it at bay. So really, alcoholism as a form of mental illness can be (and is in academia) a disease.

They've just expanded the definition of "disease"

Happyvale

Yep. Well aware. I have actually tried to read my way out of addiction (incidentally that doesn't actually work). I'm well versed on the pros and cons of the "disease model". Unfortunately information is not transformation. It's one of those agree to disagree things.

I should amend this to state.... my personal negative emotion attached to using "disease" is in no way intended to discount your belief or opinion. I just have my reasons