| MindfulMan | 05-09-2019 02:32 PM |
Two years today
I can't believe it's already been two years. I'm posting this in the Newcomers section so that those new to sobriety or struggling with addiction have a story that ends well. And I'm not alone in having a successful sobriety story, both here and in life in general.
May 9, 2017. I vaguely remember downing a bottle of Pinot Noir and having my roommate drive me to rehab.
It was the end of a two month binge of drinking 5-8 bottles of wine a day around the clock, on top of prescription sleep medication/weed edibles/OTC sleep meds. I couldn't leave the house without a few shots of vodka in my pocket so I didn't get caught away from the house in withdrawal. My primary care physician refused to treat me any more until I'd had a psych consult with a dual diagnosis clinic (mood disorder and substance use disorder). After my intake with an intern (it's a teaching program), the clinician came in. She told me they only had one treatment recommendation. Medical detox and at least 30 days in inpatient rehab. If I didn't do so, she said I'd be dead within six months. I left and sucked down a few shots of vodka because I was shaking so bad I was having trouble walking. Had a half bottle of wine when I got home, and when I looked in the mirror, the shell of a man looking back told me that she was correct...either rehab or death. I was supposed to have picked up some information on rehab programs on my way out of my appointment, but was in such horrible withdrawal (after about at max 90 minutes of not drinking) that I didn't pick it up. I managed to muddle through some phone calls and sign up for intake the next day.
Inpatient rehab was only the beginning. At first I was just going to stop for 90 days, then 6 months, then a year. However, we went over Step 1, and in a flash I realized that waking up in rehab not knowing where I was clearly made my life having become unmanageable. I never could quite get around "powerless over (drugs and) alcohol, but I did realize that once I took one sip of booze, it was a clear and definite track back to needing to return to inpatient rehab or I would die, and that the only way to assure that didn't happen was to NEVER EVER take another sip of alcohol.
This was about two weeks into the inpatient stay, which was a crucial part of my recovery. I don't think I could have done it without being locked away from substances and having a full 5 weeks to work on myself and pound that lesson home...if I didn't stop forever, I'd end up right back where I started. It may not have been 100% true, but pretty close, and anyway...why would I risk ending up in that horrible state of illness, despair and self-loathing?
After inpatient I got on a waitlist for outpatient, which was through the clinic that had gotten me into rehab in the first place. It was 5 weeks away. To fill time and make sure I made it there, I did a lot of AA/NA/CA meetings. 12 Step isn't my thing, but it was invaluable for me at the time, and had I not had other options that worked better for me, I would have gladly continued working that program. I also went back to my psychiatrist and stabilized on my psych med cocktail (which has changed slightly over time).
The outpatient program was dual diagnosis cognitive based and gave us a lot of tools to manage cravings and deal with my underlying bipolar disorder issues....as well as general cognitive based life strategy issues. It was life-changing, and got me to Phase 3, which was individual psychodynamic therapy. The inpatient program had a belief system whereby drug/alcohol use is a weapon against pain, anxiety, trauma, fear, and whatever negative and scary emotions/issues that the drugs prevent us from experiencing. It's not that they don't work against these things, it's that they work TOO WELL. So abstinence leaves us in an uncomfortable place, which can be filled with 12 Step or psychotherapy. I chose psychotherapy. I also got very into my body, lost 60 pounds of fat and put on 10 pounds of muscle, getting in better shape than I'd been in since my early 30s. I've started a new career, started dating, and have met a man who may end up being a companion for a long time...once I can get him back to the US!
Anyone who is reading this who is in active addiction and doesn't know what to do can see that it IS possible to lead a life away from drugs and alcohol. I was a horribly depressed near death garbage head and now I'm a sober upstanding member of society with a new career and a possible relationship with an amazing guy. I'm definitely not saying do what I did, because everyone has a different path. But do recognize that if you can't stop, no matter how "addicted" you are, you can. Make a commitment as soon as possible to never drink or use again. Throw whatever sobriety tools at the wall and use what works, and stick to it. GET HELP. Nobody does this alone, the list of people who helped me get here numbers in the hundreds.
There is hope and a life after addiction. I look forward to seeing many newcomers in two years with a post humbly announcing their sobriety.
Much love to all. | 