‘Fridge Light was Out’ - Weekenders 10 - 13 May 2019
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, weekenders.
I finally got some breathing space and can sum up what happened within the last two-something weeks.
Tomorrow is my Birthday. And I can’t get myself together. Once again I lost emotional ground.
Ok, all in its order.
Here’s chronological timeline.
April 26. I couldn’t get online gigs and was almost out of money, so I decided to get finish two shifts at the temporary agency to get my payment.
On April 26 I had to do a shift at a clothes store which is no so far away from my place.
I bit the bullet and headed for the shift.
When I got there, it turned out that they had canceled a shift the day before and had sent an e-mail to the temporary job agency. But somehow the person in charge overlooked the e-mail and they didn’t warn me that the shift was canceled.
So I showed up just to turn back and go back home. Oh, they will give me like 4$ bucks “reimbursement” for a false call. How freaking generous.
My, did I feel pi**d off and humiliated.
All the money I had at my disposal was exactly the amount to buy a minimum package of bids for apply for online gigs.
So I canceled my second shift and “bet” all my money on getting online job.
It was kind of scary because if I failed to land online gigs, I would be left with zero money.
But it worked out, though for the next two days I had hardly slept to do job in time.
In addition my neighbours who live on the floor above have repair works in progress and the sound is like rock-drill is above my head.
Later on the client I had gig for before approached me and offered another job, so things were kind of improving.
And then I landed another gig.
May 1. It was HM’s friend’s birthday. About a week before HM asked me to go with him to the Birthday party which was an outdoors picnic. I said yes though I couldn’t say I was quite comfortable with it. But I decided to put my insecurities on hold - I can’t avoid his friends forever.
The party was fine overall. Other people’s drinking didn’t bother me, neither my non-drinking was a problem for anyone else.
I really had a great day.
May 5. Do you still remember the job I applied for in February? They are still running their red-tape procedures. Let alone I filled another endless idiotic form (all hand-written), and now their security service called me to ask more background questions.
May 6-8. I am busy with online gigs and hardly have time to put my head up from the keyboard. But I was really looking for May 9 to take a break.
May 9. It’s a Victory day - big deal and long weekend here. HM offered to go somewhere and watch fireworks. Fine with me.
You know, most of my life May was my favorite month of the year - fresh warm weather, trees are blooming, dandelions pop up among brand-new grass, air is tender without summer stiffness.
And my Birthday in on May 14.
So me and HM met on May 9, but huge thunderstorm started, so we changed plans and to have a dinner.
We had a great time, talked a lot. Then he asked: “How old are you?”.
Well.
I haven’t thought about this much and there was never a reason to touch upon this subject.
I will be 42 tomorrow. He is 32.
Shocker, hah?
I asked him: “How old do you think am I”.
- I don’t know. 29-30?
- Older.
- Really? How much older? Older than me?
- Yes, older than you.
You know he changed so much within a couple of minutes I thought there was another person beside me.
It wasn’t that he really wanted to know it, it was HOW he demanded the answer “How much older”.
It turned my stubborness and resentment on: “I will tell you if you tell me first why it go you so worried?”
While he was walking me home he was irritated and angry. He said some things that fall into the category “I can’t un-hear” it.
Like “I though I was so lucky that you are so smart, and now it turns out that it’s not as simple as that”. And a lot of the emotionally-charged crap.
Ah, it’s all about you, isn’t it?
When we were saying goodbye he was as cold as ice.
I told him: “You know, you don’t need to spend my Birthday with me if it’s such a problem for you”.
He answered: “I don’t know. I need to think.”
Well, I thought “Considering your reaction you are not the only one who needs to do some profound thinking”.
It was about 1.30 a.m. when I got home. I fell asleep at 2.30. I had to get up at 7 a.m. to continue with quite a challenging gig on a strict deadline.
So, I put all that happened the night before on hold. I couldn’t afford an emotional meltdown at the moment.
I thought “he will probably think for quite a while which is good, I don’t need another emotional shake up for at least the next couple of days”.
However he called that day. He started with business as usual talk about what was happening at his work. I kept silent. Then he said: “You know, I don’t care how old you are”.
I asked “You really don’t care or you you don’t care unless I am not older than a particular age”.
He answered “Well, you said you are not turning fifty…”.
Hmmm.
On one hand I was glad to hear it, on the other hand “Forgiveness grunted, trust denied”.
I just can’t get out of the head his panicking - near hysterical state with unloading his insecurities on me.
On Saturday night I finished the gig and finally breathed out.
And all the tension and stress started getting to me.
I felt exhausted. I was p**d and angry because someone made me question my worthiness and sense of self-respect because I wasn’t some “ideal image” he had pictured in his mind.
I got an emotional knockdown and couldn’t recover.
Then he called and started telling me about his friends and their first-world problems: someone has marriage problems, some has out of town relatives who abuse his hospitality way too much.
Come on.
So he started “ And you know what really bothers me…”
And then I totally lost it, I just couldn’t take it any more.
So I cut his monologue “You know what bothers me? That you have time to hear all the sh*t from all your friends, but when I need emotional support you are never available. I am sick tired of listening to all this noncense”.
And I hang up.
Birthdays can be challenging on their own, but I somehow made piece with time passing by: I am growing, I am learning to appreciate the life and see what I couldn’t see before.
But this time I felt just dead inside.
He called me back later at night “to check on me”.
I did my best not to bring all the negativity up and to appreciate his attempt for caring how I feel.
He said he wants to spend my Birthday with me.
I don’t know.
I still can’t forget his irritability and his anger towards me.
I can’t revive my good mood. I am struggling to clean the cobwebs of my emotional window and let the sunshine in.
I don’t trust him any more.
I understand that it was unexpected for him, but I am really at a loss what I had done wrong, if anything.
A few days ago he told me "I like it so much that you are real".
Not so much, after all.
I don't do botox or plastic surgeries to look younger. I am just the way I am.
Was I supposed to get my age engraved on my forehead or give him a warning straight away “Before I accept your invitation for the first day I need you to know that I am so-and-so years old”.
And if I decide to give it another chance and to spend my Birthday with him and hope I won’t get another ugly scarf, because I swear I will strange him with it.
I am still angry. I am angry that he stole my emotional piece just before my Birthday. I don’t feel like dressing up, or feeling lucky that I am alive, young, and sober at my 42.
I bought a new nail polish though just in case I will revive my spirit my tomorrow.
My neighbors are still making insane noise over my head so I escaped to McDonalds to write this up. I bought myself a cappucino)
Thank you for listening, weekenders.
It’s great to have you on my side.
Have a great non-stressful Monday, everyone.
See you.
I finally got some breathing space and can sum up what happened within the last two-something weeks.
Tomorrow is my Birthday. And I can’t get myself together. Once again I lost emotional ground.
Ok, all in its order.
Here’s chronological timeline.
April 26. I couldn’t get online gigs and was almost out of money, so I decided to get finish two shifts at the temporary agency to get my payment.
On April 26 I had to do a shift at a clothes store which is no so far away from my place.
I bit the bullet and headed for the shift.
When I got there, it turned out that they had canceled a shift the day before and had sent an e-mail to the temporary job agency. But somehow the person in charge overlooked the e-mail and they didn’t warn me that the shift was canceled.
So I showed up just to turn back and go back home. Oh, they will give me like 4$ bucks “reimbursement” for a false call. How freaking generous.
My, did I feel pi**d off and humiliated.
All the money I had at my disposal was exactly the amount to buy a minimum package of bids for apply for online gigs.
So I canceled my second shift and “bet” all my money on getting online job.
It was kind of scary because if I failed to land online gigs, I would be left with zero money.
But it worked out, though for the next two days I had hardly slept to do job in time.
In addition my neighbours who live on the floor above have repair works in progress and the sound is like rock-drill is above my head.
Later on the client I had gig for before approached me and offered another job, so things were kind of improving.
And then I landed another gig.
May 1. It was HM’s friend’s birthday. About a week before HM asked me to go with him to the Birthday party which was an outdoors picnic. I said yes though I couldn’t say I was quite comfortable with it. But I decided to put my insecurities on hold - I can’t avoid his friends forever.
The party was fine overall. Other people’s drinking didn’t bother me, neither my non-drinking was a problem for anyone else.
I really had a great day.
May 5. Do you still remember the job I applied for in February? They are still running their red-tape procedures. Let alone I filled another endless idiotic form (all hand-written), and now their security service called me to ask more background questions.
May 6-8. I am busy with online gigs and hardly have time to put my head up from the keyboard. But I was really looking for May 9 to take a break.
May 9. It’s a Victory day - big deal and long weekend here. HM offered to go somewhere and watch fireworks. Fine with me.
You know, most of my life May was my favorite month of the year - fresh warm weather, trees are blooming, dandelions pop up among brand-new grass, air is tender without summer stiffness.
And my Birthday in on May 14.
So me and HM met on May 9, but huge thunderstorm started, so we changed plans and to have a dinner.
We had a great time, talked a lot. Then he asked: “How old are you?”.
Well.
I haven’t thought about this much and there was never a reason to touch upon this subject.
I will be 42 tomorrow. He is 32.
Shocker, hah?
I asked him: “How old do you think am I”.
- I don’t know. 29-30?
- Older.
- Really? How much older? Older than me?
- Yes, older than you.
You know he changed so much within a couple of minutes I thought there was another person beside me.
It wasn’t that he really wanted to know it, it was HOW he demanded the answer “How much older”.
It turned my stubborness and resentment on: “I will tell you if you tell me first why it go you so worried?”
While he was walking me home he was irritated and angry. He said some things that fall into the category “I can’t un-hear” it.
Like “I though I was so lucky that you are so smart, and now it turns out that it’s not as simple as that”. And a lot of the emotionally-charged crap.
Ah, it’s all about you, isn’t it?
When we were saying goodbye he was as cold as ice.
I told him: “You know, you don’t need to spend my Birthday with me if it’s such a problem for you”.
He answered: “I don’t know. I need to think.”
Well, I thought “Considering your reaction you are not the only one who needs to do some profound thinking”.
It was about 1.30 a.m. when I got home. I fell asleep at 2.30. I had to get up at 7 a.m. to continue with quite a challenging gig on a strict deadline.
So, I put all that happened the night before on hold. I couldn’t afford an emotional meltdown at the moment.
I thought “he will probably think for quite a while which is good, I don’t need another emotional shake up for at least the next couple of days”.
However he called that day. He started with business as usual talk about what was happening at his work. I kept silent. Then he said: “You know, I don’t care how old you are”.
I asked “You really don’t care or you you don’t care unless I am not older than a particular age”.
He answered “Well, you said you are not turning fifty…”.
Hmmm.
On one hand I was glad to hear it, on the other hand “Forgiveness grunted, trust denied”.
I just can’t get out of the head his panicking - near hysterical state with unloading his insecurities on me.
On Saturday night I finished the gig and finally breathed out.
And all the tension and stress started getting to me.
I felt exhausted. I was p**d and angry because someone made me question my worthiness and sense of self-respect because I wasn’t some “ideal image” he had pictured in his mind.
I got an emotional knockdown and couldn’t recover.
Then he called and started telling me about his friends and their first-world problems: someone has marriage problems, some has out of town relatives who abuse his hospitality way too much.
Come on.
So he started “ And you know what really bothers me…”
And then I totally lost it, I just couldn’t take it any more.
So I cut his monologue “You know what bothers me? That you have time to hear all the sh*t from all your friends, but when I need emotional support you are never available. I am sick tired of listening to all this noncense”.
And I hang up.
Birthdays can be challenging on their own, but I somehow made piece with time passing by: I am growing, I am learning to appreciate the life and see what I couldn’t see before.
But this time I felt just dead inside.
He called me back later at night “to check on me”.
I did my best not to bring all the negativity up and to appreciate his attempt for caring how I feel.
He said he wants to spend my Birthday with me.
I don’t know.
I still can’t forget his irritability and his anger towards me.
I can’t revive my good mood. I am struggling to clean the cobwebs of my emotional window and let the sunshine in.
I don’t trust him any more.
I understand that it was unexpected for him, but I am really at a loss what I had done wrong, if anything.
A few days ago he told me "I like it so much that you are real".
Not so much, after all.
I don't do botox or plastic surgeries to look younger. I am just the way I am.
Was I supposed to get my age engraved on my forehead or give him a warning straight away “Before I accept your invitation for the first day I need you to know that I am so-and-so years old”.
And if I decide to give it another chance and to spend my Birthday with him and hope I won’t get another ugly scarf, because I swear I will strange him with it.
I am still angry. I am angry that he stole my emotional piece just before my Birthday. I don’t feel like dressing up, or feeling lucky that I am alive, young, and sober at my 42.
I bought a new nail polish though just in case I will revive my spirit my tomorrow.
My neighbors are still making insane noise over my head so I escaped to McDonalds to write this up. I bought myself a cappucino)
Thank you for listening, weekenders.
It’s great to have you on my side.
Have a great non-stressful Monday, everyone.
See you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
Hi Midnight Blue,
It must feel hurtful, but it's more likely that the initial shock will wear off if everything else feels right. At least you didn't lie and he said he didn't care. Men that age still have a lot of maturing to do. And in case the gap bothers him so much that that alone changes everything for him, then you will be grateful to know sooner than later that he's not the one for you, no need to waste your time over him. Hopefully though, he's come around.
All the best to you today and o our birthday! Keep us posted. (((hugs)))
It must feel hurtful, but it's more likely that the initial shock will wear off if everything else feels right. At least you didn't lie and he said he didn't care. Men that age still have a lot of maturing to do. And in case the gap bothers him so much that that alone changes everything for him, then you will be grateful to know sooner than later that he's not the one for you, no need to waste your time over him. Hopefully though, he's come around.
All the best to you today and o our birthday! Keep us posted. (((hugs)))
Sober-T- Dragon
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Manitoba
Posts: 8,756
Morning MB and everyone else. Sorry about the crap your going thru. My wife is six years older than me. We both "have our ways" and have learned for the most part to respect that. There are some emotional and maturity differences tho, or rather 'perspective on life' differences. We pretty much grew up in different eras and that does affect how we think and process things.
Back to work today. Not really looking forward to it but al least the May long week end is up next...
Back to work today. Not really looking forward to it but al least the May long week end is up next...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi MB
I made a lot of dumb immature mistakes when I was courting Mrs Dee. I was 40 but I really was much younger than that mentally - I'm glad she saw the promise of who'd I become in there somewhere cos sometimes I acted like a real jerk.
I don't know if there's promise in HM ...I don't know if he is your soulmate or Mr Right or whether he'll ultimately be just someone who was there for a few months...
but what I do know is there's no need for you to question your self worth over this.
There's nothing wrong with you being 42. There's noone else like you MB and thats a fact
I hope you decide to push all the stuff aside for one day and have a great birthday - do what you want to do with whoever you want to be with,.
D
I made a lot of dumb immature mistakes when I was courting Mrs Dee. I was 40 but I really was much younger than that mentally - I'm glad she saw the promise of who'd I become in there somewhere cos sometimes I acted like a real jerk.
I don't know if there's promise in HM ...I don't know if he is your soulmate or Mr Right or whether he'll ultimately be just someone who was there for a few months...
but what I do know is there's no need for you to question your self worth over this.
There's nothing wrong with you being 42. There's noone else like you MB and thats a fact
I hope you decide to push all the stuff aside for one day and have a great birthday - do what you want to do with whoever you want to be with,.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thanks Dee, Mags, PJ, Sao, Kaily, actually everyone
All great advice and I know I need to keep onto it. I got a bit caught up in being busy working. Thankfully one job is finishing this week and I will have more time to myself. I had to cancel a session with my counsellor at Easter, but I’ve managed to get one rescheduled for this weekend, so I’m very grateful for this. And to you all here
MB hopefully things will settle down. Like Dee said, don’t question your self worth. You’re unique and awesome! And age is just a number anyway, although I think men tend to mature later than women. I hope you feel more settled and have a good birthday, however you decide to spend it
All great advice and I know I need to keep onto it. I got a bit caught up in being busy working. Thankfully one job is finishing this week and I will have more time to myself. I had to cancel a session with my counsellor at Easter, but I’ve managed to get one rescheduled for this weekend, so I’m very grateful for this. And to you all here
MB hopefully things will settle down. Like Dee said, don’t question your self worth. You’re unique and awesome! And age is just a number anyway, although I think men tend to mature later than women. I hope you feel more settled and have a good birthday, however you decide to spend it
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
I can honestly say that I had been in a way in that predicament. He was older, much older (23 years), and I can't say it didn't bother me. He could be my father. To me a generation gap was too much. I was in my mid 30's and felt sometimes awkward in public. I didn't like how I felt cuz he was the nicest person, but down the line there was more to it. His insecurities and distrust....no kidding he wanted to go on some Jerry Springer show for me to publicly, on national TV, take a free lie detector test. Hell no, I have my work and you're a college professor...and there truly was nothing going on. All in all after about 2 years it ended. I can say it was the age but also other things due to the age gap (distrust, insecurities), and also just strictly the age cuz he could be my father and it looked like I had ''daddy issues,'' and it freaked me out.
The next one was 6 years younger. Hot, young and dumb, he checked all those boxes. And he dumped me, but the age never played a part. He simply moved out west. Nothing was ever complex with him. The other one either but some issues got old.
The next one was 6 years younger. Hot, young and dumb, he checked all those boxes. And he dumped me, but the age never played a part. He simply moved out west. Nothing was ever complex with him. The other one either but some issues got old.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you, weekenders, for your unconditional support and honesty.
I just got back from McDonalds and found some many awesome answers to my "cry for help" escapade.
I think I am having part of my emotional mojo back)
I just got back from McDonalds and found some many awesome answers to my "cry for help" escapade.
I think I am having part of my emotional mojo back)
or 
, whichever is appropriate. Probably both.Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
MidnightBlue, I am sorry for all of the emotional turmoil HM has brought to you. If it doesn’t work out, it will be his loss; we know how fantastic you are in so very many ways; never let HM’s insecurities undermine your self-worth.
I am several years older than my husband. When we had dated a few months and my birthday was approaching, he made some comment about me turning 25 (probably the halfway to 50 joke) and I looked at him with incredulity (hmm, is that right word) and said, laughing “You know, I seriously question your math and reasoning skills; you know the year that I received my degree; you know how long I have been working. How does that add to 25?” Then it seemed as though he was counting on his fingers; you could hear the wheels turning; and then “Oh!” and the “oooo, older woman jokes!” But they were made with love that I could feel.
Bottom line, it didn’t matter. And it shouldn’t matter to HM and, if it does, HIS loss - his BIG loss.
HM’s action should make you feel his care. If not, time to move on, knowing fully that it is HIS loss.
I am several years older than my husband. When we had dated a few months and my birthday was approaching, he made some comment about me turning 25 (probably the halfway to 50 joke) and I looked at him with incredulity (hmm, is that right word) and said, laughing “You know, I seriously question your math and reasoning skills; you know the year that I received my degree; you know how long I have been working. How does that add to 25?” Then it seemed as though he was counting on his fingers; you could hear the wheels turning; and then “Oh!” and the “oooo, older woman jokes!” But they were made with love that I could feel.
Bottom line, it didn’t matter. And it shouldn’t matter to HM and, if it does, HIS loss - his BIG loss.
HM’s action should make you feel his care. If not, time to move on, knowing fully that it is HIS loss.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you so much, Leigh!
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for the love I feel you are sending me by these lines.
I've agreed to go out with HM tomorrow to celebrate my Birthday. And I think I will be able to make my best judgement tomorrow if I would feel love or not.
I realize that I am putting at risk my emotional state at my Birthday, but at the same time I never shied away from a risk.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for the love I feel you are sending me by these lines.
I've agreed to go out with HM tomorrow to celebrate my Birthday. And I think I will be able to make my best judgement tomorrow if I would feel love or not.
I realize that I am putting at risk my emotional state at my Birthday, but at the same time I never shied away from a risk.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,185
A lot of guys are really lacking in the self awareness dept MidnightBlue, some of the Orcs I have to deal with at work are barely sentient let alone thoughtful. I was forever putting my foot in in with (the now ex) Mrs Sao, and previous girlfriends come to think of it. You can take some comfort from the fact that he obviously thought you were a lot younger than you are and that's no a bad thing is it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Evening, weekenders.
I am back from the gym, had a great workout, feeling somewhat better.
Thanks, Sao and Vinny.
I agree - prime of our lives.
I remember some actress was asked if she wanted to go back to 25 again. She answered: "Fool again? Thanks, but not thanks".
The real challenge for me tomorrow will be to put all the negativity and temptation to hurt him back with words, because - surprise, surprise - he is not exactly ideal either.
I don't want to do it, but too much of it is just boiling on the surface and can shoot at the slightest provocation or careless word.
That is not what I really want, and I think I would regret it, but I am just a human and my nerves are not made of steel.
I am thinking to go for a movie tomorrow at daytime to distract myself from worries about the Birthday dinner with HM and give myself a little gift. "Hustle" about two girls taking revenge on men who had wronged them sounds just the type of movie I may like.
I so hope tomorrow I emotional state will recover and I will enjoy the day.
Have a good day/night.
See you)
I am back from the gym, had a great workout, feeling somewhat better.
Thanks, Sao and Vinny.
I agree - prime of our lives.
I remember some actress was asked if she wanted to go back to 25 again. She answered: "Fool again? Thanks, but not thanks".
The real challenge for me tomorrow will be to put all the negativity and temptation to hurt him back with words, because - surprise, surprise - he is not exactly ideal either.
I don't want to do it, but too much of it is just boiling on the surface and can shoot at the slightest provocation or careless word.
That is not what I really want, and I think I would regret it, but I am just a human and my nerves are not made of steel.
I am thinking to go for a movie tomorrow at daytime to distract myself from worries about the Birthday dinner with HM and give myself a little gift. "Hustle" about two girls taking revenge on men who had wronged them sounds just the type of movie I may like.
I so hope tomorrow I emotional state will recover and I will enjoy the day.
Have a good day/night.
See you)
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