hollowx

I started out fine and sober and everything was going good in my relationship with my significant other, but low and behold I ****** up yet again. Drink, drink, blackout then arrested. Court date looming and no choice but to try and enter a rehab I told my SO the day I was supposed to enter rehab. Turns out the courts were a bit lenient and I didn't have to go to jail or rehab. Now my relationship is messed up because of all the goodbyes not goodbyes. This tug and pull has caused a very big rift and now I don't know if this person will ever be able to trust me and let me in. I'm so depressed. I'm very sad. I can't believe how selfish and how much of a bad person I am. I should not continue this relationship, I'm too toxic. I should concentrate on myself that way I don't hurt anyone. How to break it off. Any suggestions?

doggonecarl

I have no relationship advice, but you can still go to rehab. Sobriety will be the best foundation to build a relationship on, or end one.

WeThinkNot

If you were fine and sober and your relationship was good then why did you drink? I have never subscribed to the "it just happened" excuse, there has to be a reason.

Happyvale

WeThinkNot asks a good question. I think we have to try and at least understand the why's behind our actions in order to attempt changing our patterns. For me, the first thing that jumped to my mind was....self sabotage. I'm likely projecting as I'm the queen of that. And your thread title of "not deserving anyone"...or referring to yourself as too toxic - well, although you have to unravel and fix some things maybe - I wince a little at the level of internal rejection.

Anna

I think you should focus on your recovery and do everything you can to get sober and stay sober. Your thoughts will be more clear at that point and you will be able to make the best decisions about your relationship.

january161992

selfish? yes

bad person? doubtful

the book says we alcoholics are "extreme examples of self will run riot" and that "selfishness self- centeredness! that we think is the root of our troubles"

being of service (helping) others is the tool that God gives us to think less about ourselves and more about each other

once we do this the stayin' sober part is easy

Nonsensical

My AV used to tell me that all the time.

Best excuse ever to avoid the hard work of building a happy sober life.

Don't get too committed to believing it. Turns out it's almost never true.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Dee74

Nobly letting your gf go because you're a horrible person sounds like post drinking guilt to me.

All or nothing crash and burn Alcoholic thinking - the kind of self destructive self image and drama that makes a return to drinking easier..

I agree with Anna that your focus needs to be on you right now.

Trying to make decisions based on your relationship right now will be difficult because your heads all over the place.

Getting and staying sober will give your relationship the best chance to survive - if your partner wants that - and you'll have a much clearer mind in a month or two to help you make those other life decisions.

I also agree with Carl - just because you weren't ordered to rehab doesn't mean you can;t go off your own bat - if you think it might help....

D

DriGuy

If what you say is all true, then withdrawal from relationships sounds like a thoughtful consideration, because you don't want to hurt those you love. Unfortunately, this narrows the playing field to relationships with people you don't love, and even then you would be being mean to what are essentially innocent bystanders. I think this tends to make all relationships meaningless, which is anything but satisfying, but it might be the best option, at least for now.

So does anyone deserve you at all? Is there someone out there? What comes to my mind might be a codependent enabler that can derive some satisfaction out of the Hell you drag around with you, but such relationships are not generally considered healthy, although they do exist in abundance.

Yes, you need to get your head right, and this is probably best done on your own. Well not completely alone. It would help to have someone to confide in who is not a relationship partner. This may not be the ideal solution, but it may be the right way to handle things for right now.

Guener

I know that in my drinking I would view the idea of breaking up with my partner as a means to say to myself, now it's okay to drink without hurting somebody I really care about. That's not how it works, the person left behind is going to have intense feelings about it and will not see this as charitable on your behalf. And if you continue drinking, then what have you afforded to yourself as well as to that person? If you think that rehab is a good thing to do, then consider that first or some other means to stop drinking, and let the other things follow. You might end up separated, you might end up discontinuing the relationship after all, but you aren't just throwing things aside for the sake of your feelings alone. Setting the whole thing into a flaming pyre leaves nothing but bitter ash.

fini

"Now my relationship is messed up because of all the goodbyes not goodbyes. This tug and pull has caused a very big rift.... "

the goodbyes/not goodbyes are a result of the drinking, ultimately. the tug and pull arose because of what you assumed the consequence to be from the court.

if you take care of that, the rest will eventually clear up.

Action

Put the relationship aside and sober up, do rehab and work on you. Learn to live life on lifes terms, give AA a good try and if there is a relationship there it will be there with you sober. 🙂