PHIL39

I feel lost and trapped. The alcohol causes it now. Before it was a loveless marriage and before that, a toxic family.
Actually, I cause it now by refusing to suffer, grieve my loss, losses of reason due to fear, judgment.
Now I have no reason to live except out of spite.
To spend my inheritance in defiance of their hate.
But I am full of hate and sadness and fear so I just drink.
I tried to buy love from my children but that only magnified our differences.
With each reckoning I rediscovered hope but this time, I am struggling to find a way forward because before I sought love, now it is just money they hoarded.
I recognize that there is no way forward except sobriety and for me achieve that end I need a rehab..

Thank you all for caring, I will keep you updated.

This site has allowed me to express and define what LOVE is.

stay human

doggonecarl

Great. Sobriety first, purpose to follow. Good luck.

CRRHCC

We all have addictions. Addictions are simply normal behaviors that have veered out of control. I've learned that all addictions are caused by one underlying emotion: intolerable, overwhelming, helplessness. When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control. Alcoholics, when faced with overwhelming circumstances that makes them feel helpless and trapped, they have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol. Non alcoholics empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly and or replacing them with some other high value behavior. I have learned it is all about regaining control in healthy ways. "A fool vents all their feelings, but a wise person holds them in control." Proverbs 29:11

Dee74

Good to hear from you Phil

I had a long history of feeling lost and a long lost of things I broke and needed to fix.

The first & fundamental step - the preparatory stage - for both things was to stop drinking and stay that way.


SR is a good place to stop and formulate a plan to do that. Tons of support here

D

Gottalife

My drinking life was a life of self gratification above all else. Strangely enough I did not find that a particularly rewarding way to live. In fact it turned to hell on earth, a life of total misery.

I was sent to a rehab by the courts, did my best at that, tried distraction - an engineering course, as a tactic to take care of spare time. Go drunk for another year, then turned up at AA, just wanting the misery to stop. I stayed dry but was full of fear at the start. I didn't think it would work, and had no conception of what a sober life would look like - beyond my experience you see.

The others seemed to be doing ok though, seemed to have a life they were happy with, there was something about them that looked attractive.

They said if I took certain actions, I could join them in this new life. What did I have to loose. The misery and fear kept me motivated for a bit, but it is not a permanent motivator, I always forgot in the past. But I followed suggestions and pretty soon my life changed.

The fear and misery - my reward for my selfish ways - soon departed to be replaced with the magic word you used in the title of your post - purpose. With that came a deep inner feeling that at long last my life was on the right track, and so it proved to be. Once established in the new way of life, the drink problem disappeared, and I was free to develop and grow just like any other human being. I found a purpose that means something to me, and that led me into a good life for many years now.

kinzoku

Glad you are with us and working on your sobriety

One thing at a time eh?

PHIL39

Thanks to everyone, I saw Doc today to sort BP and other health issues after avoiding them for a year, called rehab. to get info. It's a process. Maybe a fortnight or more, I'll be booked in. Yesterday was about admitting I've got a problem, today, I did one thing to get better. tomorrow, blood test and lung MRI.? Saturday, back to the doctor. Monday, I go to an introduction lecture about the rehab.

Dee74

sounds like the start of something PHIL

D

Finalround

Good luck Phil. Sounds like the start of a great plan

mariposa

Happyvale

Sounds like solid steps towards the light. Nice to make your virtual acquaintance Phil. Keep on keeping on.

Dee74

hows it going Phil?

D