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Worried about sister’s wedding

Old 05-05-2019, 04:53 PM
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Worried about sister’s wedding

Wassup everyone,

I’ve been sober about 4 months now (since Jan) and I’ve been truckin along pretty well. My sister’s wedding is this coming weekend and I am terrified I will drink, as it’s the first event I have to go to that will have alcohol.

I was was planning on committing to the sober weekend thread and trying to check in here but I don’t know if it will be enough since I will be so busy for those days. I’m afraid after I give my speech I’ll use it as permission to drink.

Im trying to head this off ASAP but this is the first test where I really, truly do not want to relapse. I feel like I can’t trust myself when the day comes to do the right thing. Any advice is appreciated.
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Old 05-05-2019, 04:58 PM
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Have you discussed this with your sponsor?
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Old 05-05-2019, 05:16 PM
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Can you just attend the wedding and leave the reception soon after it starts?
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Old 05-05-2019, 05:28 PM
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Hey hellrzr, I don’t have a sponsor. I did a couple weeks of A.A. and will drop in when I feel like I need it, but I found the program really isn’t for me. I’ve met some amazing people though and I think I will attend a meeting Thursday to help reinforce myself.

Least, I’m going to try. I am the maid of honor though, so I at least need to chill for a little bit. My oldest sister does not drink either (not an alcoholic, just doesn’t care for it) so I will stick close to her. I plan on trying to escape to my room around 9:30 when the reception “ends” but I worry about hurting my sister’s feelings. (I have two older sisters - the middle one is the one getting married for anyone who is confused. Oldest is the one who doesn’t drink).

I was also also planning on making it known that I can’t drink due to a change in my medication (which isn’t a whole lie, as I really should not drink on it) so people won’t pressure me. I’ve told several people this already to prepare. Maybe I’m having anxiety for nothing? I have a decent plan and I just have to ensure I stick to it.
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Old 05-05-2019, 05:44 PM
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Hi dpac

I don't remember my sisters or my brothers wedding much. Thats a source of regret for me.

Do yourself a favour and start thinking about a plan now.

Think about what you'll do if you're offered a drink or asked why you're not drinking. Think about what to do if you start wanting to drink.

If things get too hot, skedaddle out of there. Have an escape plan.

There are some other good ideas here too:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...val-guide.html (Social Occasion Survival Guide)

D
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:18 PM
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are you attending this wedding in order to drink or to see your lovely sister get married and be part of one of the most special days of HER life?

there is a huge difference in perception and attitude depending on your focus, your intent.
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:21 PM
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What Dee said.

I've personally done many such events in early sobriety. The most important things are both having a plan and visualizing the weekend. See yourself making sober decisions, doing the right thing. Having a plan is huge. Ways out, what to say etc
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:27 PM
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Spend time thinking this through. See yourself making your speech and then hugging your sister, not drinking. Make sure that everything to do with the reception is going smoothly. Do that for your sister, and keep the focus on her and making her wedding day the best it could be.
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Old 05-05-2019, 06:27 PM
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Yeah, not one of those you can just dismiss or not go to. Like others have said, a solid plan. How about sharing your situation with both of your sisters? Then team up with your oldest sister to help you thru the night.
When you get passed this sober, you will look back on it as a great experience and beautiful day.
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Old 05-06-2019, 01:37 AM
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I went to a birthday party 3 years ago and my family still talk about it fondly. Apparently it was really good. I drank so much I don't even remember it. Don't be me.
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Old 05-06-2019, 02:57 AM
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Morning and glad you are here and asking.

If anyone has read my thoughts on this topic, the first thing I say is:
Don't Go.
I am completely serious. While I am an AA person and it was my first sponsor who told me "No is a complete sentence, you always have the choice to use it, and nothing is worth more than your sobriety." I pass that along in all situations (here, which is not an AA place, and in the group I lead for the restaurant industry which is also not an AA group, anywhere).

I chose not to participate or go to things for quite awhile. I know people, including you, will likely say but you have to, it's your sister, etc. You don't, though - it depends on what you are planning to do, and whether you will make the right (sober) decision so early in sobriety. Yes, so early. Four months is awesome - and very early - and you've shared that you don't really use any program, and you use a lot of words like afraid, etc.

However:
If you choose to go, as others have said, a plan is essential.
Here were my basics for the first party I attended (14 mo sober) and wedding (19 mo).
Have a sober pal (in my case my now husband, who is also sober - ie your other sister)
Let people (like that friend/sister) know you will not be drinking, regardless of how/why they know.
Keep a NA bev in hand or on the table next to the picture taking or in the dressing room or wherever. Literally, wherever you are. So what if no one else is or if you have to pee a lot?
Play the whole night thru - start to finish, whether that's getting your hair done, then to the church/whatever to get dressed, the ceremony, pics, so on to the next morning. What happened along the way?

Leave at the first sec you get that itchy feeling.

I think you get my point that it is a risky situation as you describe it, you don't have a lot of support (I would not consider popping into a meeting strong support tho not a bad idea at all) and it's up to you how you will wake up the next morning. I also feel very strongly that no one else's feelings or thoughts or desires matters when it comes to this - my money would be on my brother preferring I not get hammered and even by that alone emotionally destroy the special event for everyone, if that meant I didn't go.

As I said- it's up to you.
What's most important? For me, it was and is sobriety. At 3+ yr I deal with emotional sobriety around big events, and my capacity to handle them is much greater - but I am also completely accustomed to being everywhere sober.
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Old 05-06-2019, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by dpac414 View Post
Hey hellrzr, I don’t have a sponsor. I did a couple weeks of A.A. and will drop in when I feel like I need it, but I found the program really isn’t for me. I’ve met some amazing people though and I think I will attend a meeting Thursday to help reinforce myself.

Least, I’m going to try. I am the maid of honor though, so I at least need to chill for a little bit. My oldest sister does not drink either (not an alcoholic, just doesn’t care for it) so I will stick close to her. I plan on trying to escape to my room around 9:30 when the reception “ends” but I worry about hurting my sister’s feelings. (I have two older sisters - the middle one is the one getting married for anyone who is confused. Oldest is the one who doesn’t drink).

I was also also planning on making it known that I can’t drink due to a change in my medication (which isn’t a whole lie, as I really should not drink on it) so people won’t pressure me. I’ve told several people this already to prepare. Maybe I’m having anxiety for nothing? I have a decent plan and I just have to ensure I stick to it.
Good. You're working on a plan. AA wasn't a great fit for me either, but the meetings and the sobriety there were most helpful. Go to that meeting like you planed, talk about the upcoming wedding, and get some input from others.

Hang with your non drinking sister. I was surprised when I got sober at how many people don't drink at weddings. This is a situation ideal for learning how to attend without alcohol. Eventually, you will attend these things without drinking without worrying about it.

One more addition to your plan that I would include, is that you have your own transportation, and be ready to leave if things really start going south. As the Maid of Honor, you will have fulfilled your major duty at the ceremony. You may have some role at the reception, but it's not as important. If you have to make a speech, the last thing you want to do is give it while you're tipsy. That's actually borderline rude. You can disappear when you're done, and keep in mind these events done sober will be second nature in the future.

While this is an important event, it's not as important as holding on to your sobriety. That means right now, without telling yourself, you can start getting sober later. Otherwise you end up going from one event to another, always starting later. While this one is a potential stumble, it's also of monumental significance if you get through it without a drink, and that's the pattern you are trying to develop for yourself, so it's also a potential strength builder.

Good luck, and let us now how it goes.
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Old 05-06-2019, 04:35 AM
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Really really good advice from everyone here.

August, I always appreciate your straight forward approach. Sobriety is very important to me, and I will work on a plan to make sure I stay that way. I have laser focused on sobriety for these past few months and really not done much in terms of social stuff, and that’s why I think I’m so worried. You’re right in that I’m not actively working a program though. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently in leiu of this upcoming wedding.

My sister will help me for sure, and I think I’m gonna tell my mom and her partner as well, and casually drop the medicine thing with ppl at my table so they all know. That should ensure people don’t offer me drinks.

Next, I have a room at the hotel where the reception is, so I am able to leave and go there whenever I want to (even if it looks rude to my married sister). Honestly, I think that I have already done so much for this wedding over the past 1.5 years and even this week leading up to it that if I just hugged her and said I was dead tired she would understand. I will not go anywhere else (hotel bar, etc) after the reception.

I am also going to arrange to be able to call the one friend I have told about getting sober in the event that I need extra support. I will also make it a point to post here throughout the evening. Y’all don’t have to respond every time, but I want a record of it.
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Old 05-06-2019, 04:46 AM
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Having mini breaks in nature helps me in many ways. One day is made up of many small minutes. Pausing and taking time to center and balance -- me time -- is important.

Good luck. It sounds like you're taking good healthy steps.

Have you told your family about your recovery? Have they been supportive?
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Old 05-06-2019, 06:13 AM
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That's some definite thought. It just also occurred to me that while this planning is so important, don't future trip! Meaning, you can change pieces of this - like stay in a different hotel so you aren't literally in the building with the bar they have avail - and so on. You're not going TODAY so each piece of your decision can be made (is being made) but like you could reserve the right to say no - making some change during the event for something that throws you off the plan is OK too.

I'd say keep your phone handy for lots of reasons. I play a lot of DOTS on my phone on agitated days at this point in my sobriety
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Old 05-06-2019, 06:21 AM
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i think it would be wise to talk to your sister about it. it would be very wise to have an escape route. protect your sobriety at any cost. if people get upset because you leave to protect your sobriety then thats their problem
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Old 05-06-2019, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
i think it would be wise to talk to your sister about it. it would be very wise to have an escape route. protect your sobriety at any cost. if people get upset because you leave to protect your sobriety then thats their problem

Yes...I agree. I think it was anvilhead above who talked about making this the best day for my sister and I think there are two types of selfishness here. Destructive, choosing to drink. Selfish in that it really only serves you. The other is protection. I think this type is permissible. I will be selfish to ensure I don’t embarrass myself and everyone else and stay the course of sobriety. I love my sister and I want this to be a fond memory. And I’d like to remember it as well.
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Old 05-06-2019, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
While this is an important event, it's not as important as holding on to your sobriety. That means right now, without telling yourself, you can start getting sober later. Otherwise you end up going from one event to another, always starting later. While this one is a potential stumble, it's also of monumental significance if you get through it without a drink, and that's the pattern you are trying to develop for yourself, so it's also a potential strength builder.

Good luck, and let us now how it goes.
This really resonated with me. A way lesser comparison, but it's like when you tell yourself you'll start dieting after Thanksgiving, then it's after Christmas, then NYE, etc. You end up never getting around to it. This is a bit more dire, though, hah. Thank you for the excellent point.
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Old 05-06-2019, 08:26 PM
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I have about the same amount of sobriety as you (late December). Way to go! Anyway, I view these situations like I view lifting weights (stay with me).

I started off weak with my sobriety, and most drinking-heavy events would have been too much of a lift and I would have dropped the weight. But every day I have gone without drinking, and every event I have attended without drinking, have made me gradually stronger. In fact, I recently lifted some heavier weights (visiting a good friend out of town, traveling for work, etc.); I'm really proud of that. And if I'm worried that an event might be a little heavy, I like having spotters just in case (telling close friends I might be seeing - in advance - about my recovery, calling my sponsor, going to a meeting, having an escape plan). I'm hopeful that my sobriety will eventually become a massive, hulking force. Even then, I expect there will be more days when I'm a little weaker than expected and need some help. Have I driven this analogy far enough into the ground yet?

Anyway, good luck to you! You'll be happy, proud, and stronger for it if you do this without drinking.
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Old 05-07-2019, 03:54 AM
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dpac- it just occurred to me to ask - when is the wedding? ie, how much lead time did you give us to make all these suggestions?
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