TM75

I read Dee’s post yesterday and I felt totally inspired. I’d been suffering withdrawals and craving but I thought I’d cracked it.

Woke very early this morning drenched in sweat and searched the entire house for alcohol. At 6:30am, I was dressed and ready to go to the shop but my car keys were missing. I ranted and raved but they’d been removed from me for my safety and of course others. I was given a choice - alcohol or my family. I chose (stupidly) to buy drink but came back home grovelling and pleading. I wish I’d been wiser. I love my family and don’t want to lose them but it’s happening.

Every day I feel everyone is moving further and further away and instead of making me stop, it’s making me want more.

Apologies for waffling!!

january161992

great testimony and honesty

my aa sponsor drank a gallon of vodka/ day and lost everything except his life before he became willing to follow direction

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power

God bless

Gabe1980

TM stick with it hun. It's a painfu and awful thing but you can get through it. I relapsed this week and I though this one may kill me. I made it though but I need all the support I can get.

Do you go to meetings or a counsellor? Just get people around who understand and know how to help you get and stay sober. Your family will see your sincerity and see you trying. Lots of love to you xxx

thomas11

Make the choice to stop digging that hole deeper. Would be a shame to lose your family over booze. Wish you the best.

Guener

What will you do differently if/when these compulsions come up again, TM?

least

I once told my daughter I fell off the wagon. She said, no, you didn't fall off, you jumped off. I hope you can get sober for good before you lose all you hold dear.

tomls

Get up, dust yourself off and get right back on!

january161992

how are you today TM75?

TM75

Hi everyone.

Not great to be honest. Continued drinking and went to buy some first thing this morning. Slept on and off today but think I’ve lost everyone. I hate what alcohol is doing to me. I’m turning into a complete lunatic. Life was great when I was sober but five years meant nothing when I picked up that first one.

Toni

August252015

Yep, pretty much what I said to my mom a bunch of times, too.

You can make this the last stop of your drinking journey. Everyone benefits. The alternative is very ugly for all.

And you're pretty much right- any relapse after any amount of time takes the fam back to that awful, desperate place where mom's drunk. You're the only one who can stop this cycle. And, families can be much more resilient than they/we think at the worst time like this- but you are the one who has to do the work, now.

Glad you are here.

lessgravity

Do you ever revisit your old posts? I go back and read mine, even though I'm sober. I looked back at yours. My thoughts are nothing is going to change until you do. Your family should help you create the mental leverage that you need. You keep mentioning your previous sobriety - use that too.

In the end, no one is coming to save you but yourself

gypsytears

snitch

Alcohol will take everything from you. Your family, your sanity, your life. You need to be willing to go to any lengths now to stay sober. Have you been to AA?

snitch

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let this treatment center full of Addicts entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?

One minute I had you…then next you were gone

You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

snitch

I could not stop drinking no matter what no human power could help me. My daughter. My family. Nothing. I had to get on my knees and pray. Pray to anything out there that was greater than me. I choose to call that power God. I prayed so hard to let me live after my near fatal binge 12 months ago. I prayed to live and to live sober. Please God help me stay sober I went to AA. I said please help me. Tell me what to do!!!! I got a sponsor. Another female to help me. I started working the steps. I got service twice a week at meetings. I pray every morning for a sober day and I thank God every night for a sober day. God is my Doctor and AA is my prescription. I have not picked up a drink in 12 months. I haven't needed to.

Are you willing to go to any lengths??? To keep your family? To save your life?

Dee74

How are you TM?

D

ThatWasTheOldMe

Your family will notice action. Even if that action is just not drinking one day at a time.

They can see it in your face and it sounds likely they also see it in your behavior. Alcohol will just steal everything from you. Those withdrawals will start lasting for 4-5 days. You'll start getting heart palpitations and really scary dizzy symptoms. Then seizures and autonomic instability (this isn't fun - it sure scared the hell out of me).

My eyes were yellow last Monday and Tuesday.
They're white today.
Alcohol is the problem, not you.