Advice please
 

My wife, who I've posted about in the past, is 90+ sober after completing a 30 day residential program. She is doing the work and I am relieved and proud.
I have continued to drink occasionally when she was not around and have feelings of guilt about this. Instead of embracing her change I feel like I've betrayed her. Would you advise coming clean?

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I wouldn't worry about the past if she doesn't know. But if you want to continue to have normal drinking then I would just ask her how she feels about if you did in the future.

would you like it if your wife was secretly drinking when you werent around?

I always advise honesty - my wife has a sixth sense about lies anyway.

D

There's a phrase often heard in AA. "To thine own self be true". Many don't know it's from Shakespeare. The whole of it is

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

She did for years both when I was around and when I wasn't

Yes...I suspect she suspects!

That's good advice

no harm in asking? What if, when she's not around and it's not an addiction for him?

I think talking about it is the way to go so you don't feel guilty.

I would ask her how she feels about it, trigger wise.

I am not what one would call a normal drinker. I struggle at times with it but not to the magnitude she does so in her eyes I am OK. Either way, I don't see how continuing to drink could be anything but harmful to her recovery process.

Y'all need to talk about it.

My husband and I are both in recovery. I have 3.5 mo more and we quit drinking before we started dating.

My recovery is completely independent of his. His, of mine. We work together but i have to be sober for me- and before anything else, including him.

You've come here and been asking about your own drinking, which is the right start! She's new to sobriety too - like others said, whatever the details, being honest is the best and quite possibly only way long term, that y'all have a respective and collective chance to live sober and well.

Thanks and congrats on your success

and did you like it?

Of course not

If you know you have a problem, it would be a good idea to help yourself as well, you can do it together.

I think it's best you do talk about it with her, and if you want to truly stop too, then all the better.

Do you want to continue drinking?

Whatever the case, bring it up , cuz hiding it isn't gonna help in any way.

There are people in my recovery program whose goals are only to cut down. Ultimately, the best thing you can do for yourself/yourselves, is to (eventually) quit.

You asked for advice, and I enthusiastically recommend bringing the topic up with her. It doesn't matter if you drink less or more, it's not a competition, you're a team.

[QUOTE=Caprice6;7177040]If you know you have a problem, it would be a good idea to help yourself as well, you can do it together.

I think it's best you do talk about it with her, and if you want to truly stop too, then all the better.

Do you want to continue drinking?

​​​​​I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that wishes to continue drinking but I know that it is messing me up. As someone who deals with depression and anxiety it goes a little something like this ..drink for a while and hit a wall with full on symptoms. Stop for a while and begin to feel better. Rinse and repeat.

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Whatever the case, bring it up , cuz hiding it isn't gonna help in any way.

There are people in my recovery program whose goals are only to cut down. Ultimately, the best thing you can do for yourself/yourselves, is to (eventually) quit.

You asked for advice, and I enthusiastically recommend bringing the topic up with her. It doesn't matter if you drink less or more, it's not a competition, you're a team.[/QUOTE

Ty Caprice for the thoughtful response.

you're welcome.

I was exactly the same, "​​​​​I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that wishes to continue drinking but I know that it is messing me up. As someone who deals with depression and anxiety it goes a little something like this ..drink for a while and hit a wall with full on symptoms. Stop for a while and begin to feel better. Rinse and repeat. "

It's a vicious cycle. Is there any way you can have access to a medical professional or psychiatrist to evaluate you? In my case, after avoiding it for years, I started on a group recovery program, I decided to return to this site to keep me going, I talk to my mental health doctor every other week. The depression and anxiety are a contributing factor to anxiety and depression. After a period of abstinence, the symptoms should ease. You may also need meds in the meantime to help, or for how long it takes as you address those issues as well and learn coping skills.

I wish you the best. Bring things up in the open, you deserve a better life.