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Stopping the downward spiral

Old 04-28-2019, 09:10 AM
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Stopping the downward spiral

It's been a while since I've posted here. I'm starting another Day 1 today. I had a few weeks of sobriety after my last bender (ended in the hospital with spiked blood pressure, plus I had to call the EMT because I literally couldn't walk or get off my couch from dehydration). This is how the pattern goes, I start drinking again, maybe just one bottle of wine, which gradually builds back up again to two (only in the evening after work) - then one day I wake up with the insane idea of drinking during the morning, then it's off to the races.

I am recognizing today that this is the pattern- and I am stopping it in its tracks. I actually feel ok today, and I don't ever, ever have to feel hungover again. I have a good job, a place to call my own, supportive family. I feel safe and secure. I live in an area with lots of support available. I am grateful and lucky, despite all that's happened to me in life and my hundreds of Day 1s.

How do I make THIS Day 1 different? I've tried AA, been to inpatient treatment, done therapy, tried medication, the works. But I HAVE to quit or I will die from a stroke, heart attack, or just plain too much booze in the system. I need a complete change of mind and some new actions. The only thing I can really think is that this is a life threatening disease, and I need to remember that every minute of every day. Maybe post signs around my house as reminders? Meditate all day? It's just so baffling, cunning, why and how my mind wanders into the land of the AV and in the moment I can't seem to stop it.

Wish me luck today, will come back at the end of the day and re-post how I did. Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-28-2019, 09:20 AM
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Glad you posted. We are all supportive of you.

Our AV is deadly to us and it might be a battle in the mind every five minutes. It keeps up until we cave in.

My drug of choice is marijuana and I have tried saying I will only smoke at night but find I am getting high with my coffee in the morning and stay high from then on.

I have to to admit I am powerless and can’t fight it on my own. I need to turn it over to that higher power.

The fact that that you are here is great. Best wishes
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Old 04-28-2019, 09:24 AM
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Good luck. I have been to many day 1's myself. Just remember that day 3 you feel much better. Day 6 even better... On day 7 myself. Feeling really good. Stay strong and don't cave to your friends. Your past does not equal your future. Edison failed thousands of time before he figured out the light bulb. You got this.
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Old 04-28-2019, 09:27 AM
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I had lots of relapse issues as well--for me the key seems to be actively working on recovery instead of just not drinking.

That means building outside interests and activities--in my case, I took up playing guitar, making jewelry, and trail running.

I also began to work on a spiritual program of meditation, reading books and listening to podcasts of interest and spending time in Nature just being and reflecting--gardening is also an active spiritual practice for me.

I think the most important thing has been to finally accept that I just will never, ever be able to moderate as much as I'd love to think I can.

Letting go of that dream, that I could ever be a "normal" drinker again, was the hardest but most freeing.

Hope this helps--it does get easier and easier as time passes, so that's the good thing
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Old 04-28-2019, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by PinnacleOR View Post
Wish me luck today, will come back at the end of the day and re-post how I did. Thanks for reading.
Hope to see you tonight.

I'm picking up that you are having a hard time understanding your own behavior. I tried to understand mine too for a long time, but I think it's a waste of time. It's easy enough to do. It consumes very little energy, but it feels like you're doing something constructive, even though you are not.

I think you need to find a new direction, and it's sounds like you want to do that, but don't know what it is. Well, I think you know what it is, but the problem may be that you don't like the way it feels. And this is where things get hard. This is that metaphorical hump you need to deal with, and there is no other way around it, no easier softer way, and no mystical solution. You're going to face cravings. You're going to want to make them go away by giving in (they always go away when you give in), but they always come back. This is commonly known as a vicious cycle, a self perpetuating cycle with a negative outcome.

The search for understanding should be over, because you have identified the problem. God help you if you haven't identified it yet. Now it's time to change your behavior, and this is what separates the strong from the weak. It's also hard because it's unfamiliar territory. Instead of mentally flailing around, you have to change what you are doing. It's hard, but it's doable.

I hope you will be back tonight.
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Old 04-28-2019, 10:12 AM
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It's just so baffling, cunning, why and how my mind wanders into the land of the AV and in the moment I can't seem to stop it.
You forgot the "powerful" part, but it sure sounds to me like at least something from AA stuck. Thanks for sharing with us here at SR, PinnacleOR.

I think DriGuy stated it very well, as did others who posted.

Thoughts and prayers on what is hopefully your last Day 1 - you can do this. You don't ever have to drink again. The choice is yours.
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Old 04-28-2019, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by PinnacleOR View Post

How do I make THIS Day 1 different?
You have the answer....you said it yourself:

I am recognizing today that this is the pattern- and I am stopping it in its tracks.

You entertain the idea of drinking and then you're off. This is where you stop it in its tracks. Tell it, NO, I don't drink.

Now find the support you need. If you are determined to quit, I would try all the stuff you tried before, but with the mindset that you have now--it's do or die!
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Old 04-28-2019, 10:38 AM
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Hi Pinnacle

I am sorry you are having a tough time.

I just wondered if you have looked into Rational Recovery? Worth a look - google 'Crash Course AVRT'

Last edited by Dee74; 04-28-2019 at 05:50 PM. Reason: RR link
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Old 04-28-2019, 05:33 PM
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Thanks everyone, it’s a beautiful day so I got myself out and did a three mile walk along the water. Did some sitting and walking meditation. Feeling sleepy but content right now. Going to hit the hay early, sober!
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Old 04-28-2019, 05:54 PM
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Keep it moving man. Good to see you here. We can only keep trying until we get free for good.
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Old 04-28-2019, 05:59 PM
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what really helped me was to keep it simple.

All I have to do today is not raise that glass to my lips.

Some days were easier than others sure - but reducing things down like that helped a lot.

That way I was free to find new and healthy ways to deal with the stuff I used to drink over

D
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Old 04-28-2019, 06:03 PM
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''How do I make THIS Day 1 different?''

you have to really want it, and work on it. Sometime it won't be taking it 1 day at a time, but an hour at a time. Try to plan to keep busy, or anything besides drink when cravings hit you.
Last resort, at least for me, was to get on meds temporarily (F I forgot to be grateful for those lol) in order to fool or full proof I wouldn't drink. I don't enjoy taking them, but I am and will for as long as it takes or when cravings hit, I will make sure I have extra in emergency supply.
Just make the decision and try not to think too far ahead.
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Old 04-28-2019, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by PinnacleOR View Post
Thanks everyone, it’s a beautiful day so I got myself out and did a three mile walk along the water. Did some sitting and walking meditation. Feeling sleepy but content right now. Going to hit the hay early, sober!
awesome. you know what you have to do, keep it up!
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Old 04-28-2019, 07:29 PM
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Regarding AA, I wonder if you have tried inviting God/The Cosmic Intelligence/The Great Spirit/The Original Mind/The Divine Sophia (or however you might conceive the Higher Power) to be involved and to help you with this problem, and if you have tried to maintain an ongoing relationship with that Power somehow.

That seems to be the key ingredient of AA's suggested program, although the fellowship, other steps, and other aspects of AA culture can help as well.

Just presenting that as something to consider, and no reply expected if you would rather not.

Anyway, best wishes and hoping you have a long, healthy, and happy life!
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Old 04-29-2019, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by PinnacleOR View Post
Thanks everyone, it’s a beautiful day so I got myself out and did a three mile walk along the water. Did some sitting and walking meditation. Feeling sleepy but content right now. Going to hit the hay early, sober!
That's what I like to hear!
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Old 04-29-2019, 04:05 PM
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How it going today PinnacleOR?

D
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Old 04-29-2019, 06:43 PM
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Hi all, today has gone pretty well. Most importantly im sober at the end of Day 2. I was very tired and irritable at work, so I had my head down plodding through tasks. Got quite a lot done. Got out at lunch for another long walk and some meditation under the shade of a beautiful tree, also to anticipate my danger time, which is usually between 3 and 5 when the AV fires up. Stayed vigilant, ate something and committed to come hear and read/post. My mom is 92 and having health issues so I talked on the phone with my sister about solutions. Helped me get out of my own head and think of others. Looking forward to my head hitting the pillow sober tonight.
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:00 AM
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Thanks for checking in, Pinnacle. It's good that you recognize the "danger time" and that being of service to others is a great way to stay busy and get outside of ourselves. You really are well on your way.

Best wishes, hope you have a great Tuesday!
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