How I Feel Tonight
 

Old. Tired. Heart-broken, heartless. Mean. Fat. Ugly. Spent. Like I've wasted way too many years and way too much time, not just my time.

Alive. Strong. Full of fire. Successful. Beautiful. Ready to emerge again. Like all of my life lays ahead, and there is so much to create and build.

I feel vulnerable, and open.

And all I know how to do is let it wash over me, because there is no-one awake, and no drink in my hand. Just music in my ears and feelings in my heart.

Love.

I hope you have a great week ahead Kinzoku :)

D

Life is like that sober, I think. My emotions were numbed by many years of drinking and they are still waking up. Same with memories and thinking. I find myself making perceptive connections that would have been impossible 3y ago. One minute I will actually feel HAPPY (and it usually only lasts a few) and the next the sadness and fear of being alone well up...then I do all my work on calming down and I get on with my day.

In the scheme of things, time-wise, I have spent so much of my life immersed in the alcohol, that I also have plenty of countering moments of happiness and melancholy. I don't know how it may look far ahead, that I might feel more consistently level in my emotions, but the fullness of the experience is marked by the relief that I am at least trying to live for something better.

On the good days and on the poor ones I also find that I must do the work that leads me to decide it's the choices that I make now that are working. It's like a second job for me right now, and it is draining at times, but it is exercising my intellect, my emotions, my full mind in a way that I have no memory of ever doing before now. I never had the support of others to take me through such an endeavor the way that I do now, and that greatly heartens me.

This reminds me of this story I think Eckhart Tolle tells where he says on his commute he wouls often pass a woman who was constantly talking angrily to herself. She'd speak out loud about all different kinds of grievances, people who upset her, including her own self. He would often think that this woman was insane and he would feel bad for her. Then one day he had a revelation where he realized that the only difference between this woman and himself is that she was saying out loud all the things that he, and all of us, are constantly saying to ourselves. This inner dialogue of our minds, incessant and constant, that we have almost no control over. Sometimes it helps me to reflect on that story and to try to just give way to all the contradictory thoughts and feelings, memories and anxieties, that my mind is constantly processing and running through. Beautiful post, thank you for the thoughts.

In sobriety I realize all the amazing things I have to be grateful for. All the opportunity afforded me. The beauty in everything that surrounds me. But, those thoughts you speak of still creep into my mind. I recognize them now and focus very hard at not letting myself linger too long there. It's not easy though as I feel they are all part of my experience and I no longer want to hide from any of it.
Memories are about the me that did. Dreams are the me to come. Drinking kept me stuck in the past. Sobriety keeps me focused on the now.

Recognizing them both is healthy. Just keep the past in the past. I appreciate your thoughts kinzo, and your willingness to express them.

Keep on my friend.

A lot of wise people here. I sent some very present souls :)

Thanks and good morning.