Darkness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 54
Darkness
Hey guys, on Day 26 here...
Last night I was feeling terrible.. my bf of 6 months is sometimes cranky and he was cranky on the phone for no reason of me doing anything wrong.
Came off the phone and cried+++
Slept terribly and woke up still feeling anxious and sad. At work at the moment but feel like crying.... tried to call him but hes not picking up. (only tried once, I guess he could be doing anything).
I just feel so sad because I'm worried I'll never learn how to deal with these dark feelings.
I had them when I was drinking but somehow felt comforted knowing they were getting blotted out to a degree, albeit with the rest of my life good or bad. I don't want to drink, but I don't want to live like this and keep feeling so awful at times....
Thanks for listening..
Last night I was feeling terrible.. my bf of 6 months is sometimes cranky and he was cranky on the phone for no reason of me doing anything wrong.
Came off the phone and cried+++
Slept terribly and woke up still feeling anxious and sad. At work at the moment but feel like crying.... tried to call him but hes not picking up. (only tried once, I guess he could be doing anything).
I just feel so sad because I'm worried I'll never learn how to deal with these dark feelings.
I had them when I was drinking but somehow felt comforted knowing they were getting blotted out to a degree, albeit with the rest of my life good or bad. I don't want to drink, but I don't want to live like this and keep feeling so awful at times....
Thanks for listening..
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
It's very normal for our feelings to go up and down in early sobriety. 
The best thing I do for myself is to practice gratitude every day. Try it. Not only will it give you a more positive attitude, it can make you happier too. 
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Don't worry too much about the dark feelings. If you stay sober, it is likely that they will get less and less. If you still feel depressed after several months sober, it might be a good idea to have a check up with your doctor.
The best thing I do for myself is to practice gratitude every day. Try it. Not only will it give you a more positive attitude, it can make you happier too. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Don't worry too much about the dark feelings. If you stay sober, it is likely that they will get less and less. If you still feel depressed after several months sober, it might be a good idea to have a check up with your doctor.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi,
Well done on 26 days. It can be a really emotional time, I know, and it certainly doesn't help when people are cranky to us.
A good part of why I got into relying on alcohol was to try to avoid those feelings. For me, I felt like if anyone got angry or cranky (particularly my bf), I must have done something wrong - or at least needed to try to make it right.
My daughter taught me an extremely valuable lesson when she was all of 16. I was trying to make something right with her and she said, "Just because I'm angry with you doesn't mean you did anything wrong." What a lovely and true thing to say!
It's not your job to make anything right today or tomorrow or the next day - your only job is to take care of yourself and protect your sobriety. Let the crank do his thing; you don't have to go with him.
O
Well done on 26 days. It can be a really emotional time, I know, and it certainly doesn't help when people are cranky to us.
A good part of why I got into relying on alcohol was to try to avoid those feelings. For me, I felt like if anyone got angry or cranky (particularly my bf), I must have done something wrong - or at least needed to try to make it right.
My daughter taught me an extremely valuable lesson when she was all of 16. I was trying to make something right with her and she said, "Just because I'm angry with you doesn't mean you did anything wrong." What a lovely and true thing to say!
It's not your job to make anything right today or tomorrow or the next day - your only job is to take care of yourself and protect your sobriety. Let the crank do his thing; you don't have to go with him.
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 54
Thank you everyone ... the last GP I saw who I told I was an alcoholic too actually recoiled in horror at my confession and stopped being friendly from that point on in the consult. Nightmare right?? But good thing most GPs aren't like that... at the moment I feel very sensitive so, I might try and find a specialist GP that is used to addicts/past addicts asking for help.
Everytime I feel bad, I also have a funny thing in my head where I assume that this is how its going to be from now on. That it will stay, and won't change. I needed that reminder that feelings are temporary too.... and there is a light at the end of each tunnel.
"Just because I'm angry at you doesn't mean you've done something wrong" - that's gold... I will try to remember that. My bf is not good at communicating his feelings usually, and his anger is very poorly controlled. So, it is useful for me to remember that. I was definitely raised to 'please' people.... I'm working on this.
I must remember to stick to my gratitude practise!!! I intended to do it morning and evening. I will get back to it. It IS useful.
Honestly no idea what I'd do if you guys weren't here... well, I do, I'd stay sober but be more bitter and twisted and upset. hehe.. so thanks again.
Everytime I feel bad, I also have a funny thing in my head where I assume that this is how its going to be from now on. That it will stay, and won't change. I needed that reminder that feelings are temporary too.... and there is a light at the end of each tunnel.
"Just because I'm angry at you doesn't mean you've done something wrong" - that's gold... I will try to remember that. My bf is not good at communicating his feelings usually, and his anger is very poorly controlled. So, it is useful for me to remember that. I was definitely raised to 'please' people.... I'm working on this.
I must remember to stick to my gratitude practise!!! I intended to do it morning and evening. I will get back to it. It IS useful.
Honestly no idea what I'd do if you guys weren't here... well, I do, I'd stay sober but be more bitter and twisted and upset. hehe.. so thanks again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 54
I haven't discussed it with him Kinzoku ... he's not always in a bad mood, just some of the time. I guess it's a new relationship so I'm trying to feel out what I need/ versus what I want... and I guess also with me forming a new relationship with myself at the same time without any alcohol for 26 days now... lots of turning wheels.... e.g. if he didnt want me to be anxious every day, I wouldn't be able to do that. I AM anxious every day. I don't know.. it's all a work in progress.....
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