trailmix

I strongly second what Dee said here. The throwing something, the raising of a hand, that's the beginning. This a control method. From now on you will always be walking on eggshells whenever there is a hint of any conversation not going well.

If you argue you will reach the point where you know you have to back off or that hand will be raised, or used, to you/on you.

I know this well.

While the violence might stop at some point, that flexing of control doesn't go away, not ever in my experience. He just upped the anti.

Is your family supportive? Again there is no reason to think about divorce etc right now. Perhaps you could go and stay with them for a while? What you need most right now is peace and security.

I know you need to do whatever you need to do, but while you are there, be careful not to antagonize him, be safe.

August252015

Imma back it up one more step from the "start" at raising a hand or such - physical violence almost always begins all the way back to disrespect, verbal boundary breaking, emotional pain causing, such and so on - I know I've dismissed or justified or downplayed that stuff in past (always drinking on both sides) relationships. In good ones, it just didn't happen from the get go - and it is the opposite of those things in my marriage.

I'd also say that it IS risky to leave. But far less than staying.

While my choices were less volatile than yours, I had to entertain what seemed like impossible possibilities (homelessness? bankruptcy? what was I willing to chance to survive then hopefully begin to thrive?)....and decide to take the terrifying jump to this side.

In retrospect, each time I was shocked at the choice someone put before me ("no way can I do (that)")...it was more than worth the choice to live, be sober and work towards stability and peace.