OtherSideOfMe

In the past year and a half,. I have tried many times to not poison my body with alcohol. Outside of being pregnant (3x) and nursing for a year each time (which made me feel I had control), my longest stretch since I've been 15 is about 6 weeks.

Before the last couple of years or so, I did not drink every day. I would just drink socially (1-2/week) and would drink a hell of a lot at those times. Now that my life circumstances have changed, I drink on the daily to "handle" my life, again thinking I've got it "in control" cause I'm not falling down or acting stupid anymore. I learned to maintain.

Now I'm at the point where I am tired of looking through a smudged up lens. And I realize how much alcohol is taking over my life. I rush home to have a couple of beers and cigarettes on the patio while my kids get to "luckily" watch a show. I'll then polish of the other 3 IPA's and usually minimize any evidence.

Days upon days upon weeks it goes on. I'll then say "I don't want to feel like **** anymore. I want to be clear headed. I want to feel good." That will last for 10 days or so, then it's right back at it. I really started craving my escape moments, feeling like it's the only freedom I have.

My husband has no idea I'm in so deep, cause I seem to have it in control. My friends don't know. My kids probably have no idea of what a better mom they could have.

I want to see what it's like to live without alcohol. It's affecting every part of my life and no one knows it but me. I realize I need help. I am not the type of person to go to AA, esp for fear of knowing someone. I work at a local school and have been for quite some time. They don't know my secret and I would not feel comfortable there. That and I've never been good with talking about the way I feel.

I am so private with my thoughts that I think that's what made me a closet binger all along. I don't talk about how I feel or what's going on, I'll just drink it down instead. That coupled with being highly autonomous, it's so hard to say I need some help. I can't do this alone though, I realize that now. I'm so nervous just writing this now and putting the truth out there.

Just typing this helps, though. Seeing the smilie emoji clapping as I type is already helping me feel supported!

Thank you for listening, and reading this too.

least

Welcome! It's hard to stop drinking for good but it can be done. Most important, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I hope our support can help you find the motivation you need to get sober for good.

Anna

Welcome, and we do understand. I was a closet drinker too and it got to the point that it was exhausting me. Recovery is a very personal journey and I think the main thing, is that you find something that works for you. Have a plan in mind for when you are tired, angry, etc. Be prepared to do something that can distract you during the times you would have been drinking. Above all, have faith that you can do this.

OtherSideOfMe

Already these two replies have me crying like a baby. I really didn't realize how alone I felt with this and how comforting it is to have support. My take homes: wanting a clean and productive life more than a wasteful one and to always have a plan for different situations. I do need to find other outlets and activities. I used to be an avid reader before I started passing out to sleep. I need to find a book or show to look forward to, it's been a while. Thank you both for your support. I'm still crying, literally! I think I need to reach out for help when the thought to "feel good" is outweighing the desire to feel clean. My plan then is to ask for help and reminders here, I guess..

Mariecheese

Lots of people here understand, I'm a mother too and like yourself have been drinking in secret, was only occasionally but progressed to most days. I too was pretty functioning, able to keep a tidy clean home and cook and everything, but generally just sick and tired of drinking and feeling bad. I'm on day 21 and already feel so much better. Definitely get back into the reading its a great distraction. Also the daily class thread might help to check in each day. take care x

OtherSideOfMe

Wasn't aware of the daily class thread. I'll have to check that out. Thank you for your support and congrats on your day 21! I plan to be there in 20 days!! Just ordered a book from the suggested reading list. Nice to feel a sense of community and connection! Drinking isolated me from the world.

Mummyto2

kinzoku

I'm glad you took the step to come clean here and to share.

It was my first step but not the last.

Dee74

Welcome to SR OtherSideOfMe

As Marie mentioned, we have support threads each months for those trying to quit - the latest is here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...thread-15.html

you'd be very welcome there

D