Relapse - On living with another alcoholic
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
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Relapse - On living with another alcoholic
Hi Everyone,
So, after 4 plus years of sobriety, I relapsed. Not all at once--very slowly. For the longest time I was convinced I had the ability to moderate. A couple of drinks once every month for the first while. A binge once every two months. And then, well, you all know how it goes. You start rolling downhill faster and faster, and then everything is out of control.
When I was still sober I met my now-husband. He was a self-professed alcoholic. A daily drinker, and worse, a binge drinker. We were only friends at first--he was (is) brilliant, handsome, so talented. He knew and all his friends knew, though, that he was in a very bad place. When he confessed his feelings for me I told him I couldn't date an active alcoholic. That this was non-negotiable. The next day he came to my house and told me he'd quit. I said I was very happy for him (but inwardly was thinking, 'I'll see it when I believe it.')
Reader, he quit. Cold turkey. After a month sober we began dating (I know what the programs say--he wasn't in any program and neither was I). It was ideal for the longest time, because we supported one another through any and all cravings. I had a permanent sober buddy at every gathering. He said he'd never felt better in his life.
He was sober for over a year. And then he relapsed. And I relapsed. To be honest, I don't know who relapsed first. His relapse was this: he'd drink at home alone. Mine was this: I'd have a few wines out with friends. But then we met in the middle.
About a couple years ago, a horrible, ugly pattern emerged. He buys a half-bottle of whiskey and about fifteen beers. We barricade ourselves in our house. We drink all night: one shot of whiskey and one beer every 45 minutes, following a timer so as not to drink too fast (ha!). When the whiskey's done we just drink beer. Once or twice we've called the 24 hour place and had more delivered. We get plastered. Often the memory of the last two hours is impossible to retrieve . The next day is shot. He sleeps until 4 pm. I wake after a few hours; alcohol makes me unable to sleep properly. I wake with my heart racing, exhausted, anxious. I'm depressed, suicidally depressed, for days afterward.
We hide it so well. No one knows we do this. We drain any leftovers and toss all the bottles into the trash the next day. No traces left.
At first this happened once a month. Then twice a month. Now it happens once or twice a week.
I'm seeing a therapist, have been for a while. She knows all this. I've been talking about quitting again for the longest time. Every time we binge we say: we have to stop. We can't do this anymore.
And here's the thing. I DON'T want to do this anymore. I CAN'T do this anymore. And I have the memory of being happy, so happy, for over four years, without a drop of alcohol, to think back on. I know I know how to be happy, how to be good, without alcohol.
It's been almost three weeks for me now without drinking. He claims he's done as well. I distracted him through the last couple of weekends. But it's taking SUCH a huge toll on me.
Two nights ago he announced he wanted to drink. It's not the first time he's done this in the last few weeks, but it's the first night I couldn't talk him out of it. I begged him not to, told him he was putting me in danger, that my depression had gotten so bad I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Usually this works: he loves me, he worries about my mental health. But he loves alcohol more.
He said he couldn't control it, he was sorry, and he went out and bought the alcohol. I barricaded myself in my office (we both work from home) and hunkered down. It was so goddamned hard, knowing he was out in the living room drinking, and it was all I could do not to go out and join him. I probably would have, but I had an all-day out of town trip with my girlfriends planned the next day, and I had to be up at 7am. I knew I'd hate myself SO MUCH if I chose drinking over that. I sat there alone and stewed in my own misery, hating him, hating myself, hating my life, which on the outside looks so good to other people, but which on the inside has turned into this dark and secret hell.
Eventually he got drunk enough that he wandered into my room, though he'd promised he wouldn't. Drunk-babbled at me about random stuff, told me how much he loved me, then kept slurring apologies. I barely acknowledged him, but his drunken presence made it SO much harder to stay focused.
The next morning I felt like superwoman, despite the fact that I'd barely slept all night out of anxiety and misery. I had an amazing day out with my friends. They drank over lunch. I didn't. I didn't use his drinking the night before as an excuse for myself as I have often done in the past.
But here's the thing. I don't know how long I can keep holding out. Being his support system when I myself need support. I'm usually much more of a social drinker. That is, social situations are my trigger. Before, when I was feeling weak, I'd skip a party or dinner so I wouldn't be tempted to drink. I'd remove myself from harm's way. But now the harm comes straight into my home. Because he has no issues not drinking in public. In fact, he hates it, because the shame gets to him. Instead he drinks at home.
So here I am, so fricking anxious, with my defenses constantly up. I'm not safe outside with my friends. I'm not safe at home with my husband. Temptations are everywhere. I'm close to tears now writing this; my jaw is clenched.
After the other night, he claims he's done. So hard not to roll my eyes. He's said this a hundred times before. I've said this a hundred times before. But I really really want to stop. This weekend it'll be three weeks for me.
Friday night there's an important networking dinner I'm invited to. I'm already psyching myself not to drink while there. But I am almost certain he will drink alone at home. That I will come back to find him deep in the bottle. And then I have to white-knuckle through the rest of the night. I won't be free once I get home, if I make it through the dinner without drinking. The thought depresses the **** out of me. It's happened more than once that I go to a social situation alone (he's an introvert, and usually likes to stay home while I go out), that I manage not to drink, only to come home and cave because he's drinking, and the alcohol's there, and in my mind I can blame him rather than myself for giving in.
I'm so tired, guys. Tired and sad. I thought the best thing to do would be to reach out here, for support and venting.
I can't afford to move out in order to remove myself from the situation. I don't want to leave him. I love him, our lives are entwined, and when we're (he's) not drinking things are great (do I sound delusional? I don't know).
But I need to love myself more. Professionally, things have never been better for me. I need my mind clear, and I need to be able to manage my depression better. When I'm sober it's still there, but under control. When I'm drinking it becomes a black hole and I see no way out.
Can an alcoholic get sober if she's living with another alcoholic who keeps relapsing?
Thanks for listening.
~Z.
So, after 4 plus years of sobriety, I relapsed. Not all at once--very slowly. For the longest time I was convinced I had the ability to moderate. A couple of drinks once every month for the first while. A binge once every two months. And then, well, you all know how it goes. You start rolling downhill faster and faster, and then everything is out of control.
When I was still sober I met my now-husband. He was a self-professed alcoholic. A daily drinker, and worse, a binge drinker. We were only friends at first--he was (is) brilliant, handsome, so talented. He knew and all his friends knew, though, that he was in a very bad place. When he confessed his feelings for me I told him I couldn't date an active alcoholic. That this was non-negotiable. The next day he came to my house and told me he'd quit. I said I was very happy for him (but inwardly was thinking, 'I'll see it when I believe it.')
Reader, he quit. Cold turkey. After a month sober we began dating (I know what the programs say--he wasn't in any program and neither was I). It was ideal for the longest time, because we supported one another through any and all cravings. I had a permanent sober buddy at every gathering. He said he'd never felt better in his life.
He was sober for over a year. And then he relapsed. And I relapsed. To be honest, I don't know who relapsed first. His relapse was this: he'd drink at home alone. Mine was this: I'd have a few wines out with friends. But then we met in the middle.
About a couple years ago, a horrible, ugly pattern emerged. He buys a half-bottle of whiskey and about fifteen beers. We barricade ourselves in our house. We drink all night: one shot of whiskey and one beer every 45 minutes, following a timer so as not to drink too fast (ha!). When the whiskey's done we just drink beer. Once or twice we've called the 24 hour place and had more delivered. We get plastered. Often the memory of the last two hours is impossible to retrieve . The next day is shot. He sleeps until 4 pm. I wake after a few hours; alcohol makes me unable to sleep properly. I wake with my heart racing, exhausted, anxious. I'm depressed, suicidally depressed, for days afterward.
We hide it so well. No one knows we do this. We drain any leftovers and toss all the bottles into the trash the next day. No traces left.
At first this happened once a month. Then twice a month. Now it happens once or twice a week.
I'm seeing a therapist, have been for a while. She knows all this. I've been talking about quitting again for the longest time. Every time we binge we say: we have to stop. We can't do this anymore.
And here's the thing. I DON'T want to do this anymore. I CAN'T do this anymore. And I have the memory of being happy, so happy, for over four years, without a drop of alcohol, to think back on. I know I know how to be happy, how to be good, without alcohol.
It's been almost three weeks for me now without drinking. He claims he's done as well. I distracted him through the last couple of weekends. But it's taking SUCH a huge toll on me.
Two nights ago he announced he wanted to drink. It's not the first time he's done this in the last few weeks, but it's the first night I couldn't talk him out of it. I begged him not to, told him he was putting me in danger, that my depression had gotten so bad I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Usually this works: he loves me, he worries about my mental health. But he loves alcohol more.
He said he couldn't control it, he was sorry, and he went out and bought the alcohol. I barricaded myself in my office (we both work from home) and hunkered down. It was so goddamned hard, knowing he was out in the living room drinking, and it was all I could do not to go out and join him. I probably would have, but I had an all-day out of town trip with my girlfriends planned the next day, and I had to be up at 7am. I knew I'd hate myself SO MUCH if I chose drinking over that. I sat there alone and stewed in my own misery, hating him, hating myself, hating my life, which on the outside looks so good to other people, but which on the inside has turned into this dark and secret hell.
Eventually he got drunk enough that he wandered into my room, though he'd promised he wouldn't. Drunk-babbled at me about random stuff, told me how much he loved me, then kept slurring apologies. I barely acknowledged him, but his drunken presence made it SO much harder to stay focused.
The next morning I felt like superwoman, despite the fact that I'd barely slept all night out of anxiety and misery. I had an amazing day out with my friends. They drank over lunch. I didn't. I didn't use his drinking the night before as an excuse for myself as I have often done in the past.
But here's the thing. I don't know how long I can keep holding out. Being his support system when I myself need support. I'm usually much more of a social drinker. That is, social situations are my trigger. Before, when I was feeling weak, I'd skip a party or dinner so I wouldn't be tempted to drink. I'd remove myself from harm's way. But now the harm comes straight into my home. Because he has no issues not drinking in public. In fact, he hates it, because the shame gets to him. Instead he drinks at home.
So here I am, so fricking anxious, with my defenses constantly up. I'm not safe outside with my friends. I'm not safe at home with my husband. Temptations are everywhere. I'm close to tears now writing this; my jaw is clenched.
After the other night, he claims he's done. So hard not to roll my eyes. He's said this a hundred times before. I've said this a hundred times before. But I really really want to stop. This weekend it'll be three weeks for me.
Friday night there's an important networking dinner I'm invited to. I'm already psyching myself not to drink while there. But I am almost certain he will drink alone at home. That I will come back to find him deep in the bottle. And then I have to white-knuckle through the rest of the night. I won't be free once I get home, if I make it through the dinner without drinking. The thought depresses the **** out of me. It's happened more than once that I go to a social situation alone (he's an introvert, and usually likes to stay home while I go out), that I manage not to drink, only to come home and cave because he's drinking, and the alcohol's there, and in my mind I can blame him rather than myself for giving in.
I'm so tired, guys. Tired and sad. I thought the best thing to do would be to reach out here, for support and venting.
I can't afford to move out in order to remove myself from the situation. I don't want to leave him. I love him, our lives are entwined, and when we're (he's) not drinking things are great (do I sound delusional? I don't know).
But I need to love myself more. Professionally, things have never been better for me. I need my mind clear, and I need to be able to manage my depression better. When I'm sober it's still there, but under control. When I'm drinking it becomes a black hole and I see no way out.
Can an alcoholic get sober if she's living with another alcoholic who keeps relapsing?
Thanks for listening.
~Z.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've not faced this particular issue, but I'm divorced. In the end it was the only solution.
Have you thought about AA meetings? At the very least you would find support, a place to go to get away from this for a couple hours, and people you could call and make plans with who won't be drinking.
I hope you find a solution. This sounds awful. That dark secretive hiding is so soul-destroying, and in my marriage the secrets and hiding and refusal to deal with the dysfunction are what finally killed it. It's just so much like a black swamp.
Have you thought about AA meetings? At the very least you would find support, a place to go to get away from this for a couple hours, and people you could call and make plans with who won't be drinking.
I hope you find a solution. This sounds awful. That dark secretive hiding is so soul-destroying, and in my marriage the secrets and hiding and refusal to deal with the dysfunction are what finally killed it. It's just so much like a black swamp.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,643
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Zini.
I am not married, but I live with my dad and he drinks. I don't know if he's an alcoholic, but when he gets drunk, he tells me he thinks he is. Anyways, I'm sober two weeks, and if he comes to me for help to stop drinking, I'll gladly tell him how much better I feel waking up rather than coming to, and how awesome it is to never be hungover.
It sounds like your husband wants to quit, but can't. Does he withdrawal when he stops?
I am not married, but I live with my dad and he drinks. I don't know if he's an alcoholic, but when he gets drunk, he tells me he thinks he is. Anyways, I'm sober two weeks, and if he comes to me for help to stop drinking, I'll gladly tell him how much better I feel waking up rather than coming to, and how awesome it is to never be hungover.
It sounds like your husband wants to quit, but can't. Does he withdrawal when he stops?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
Hey, thanks so much for responding. It's not the same, but you are living with another drinker, and managing to stay sober, and that encourages me greatly. My husband definitely wants to quit--he's in that spiral of drinking/self-loathing/promising to stop/feeling better/relapse: rinse and repeat. He doesn't get withdrawals but suffers from 2-day hangovers. He's a binge drinker now, not a daily drinker. He KNOWS how much better it feels to wake up sober; he just can't stick to it...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
Thanks biminiblue. Your words of commiseration are valuable and much appreciated. I've told him again and again that this could very well lead to divorce, which neither of us wants. But at some point I'm going to have to save myself. I'm trying to be super aware of the situation: that I might drink just to join him in the swamp, to avoid the outcome of separation. So I have to be careful not to do exactly that. I have to be willing to walk away to save myself. I just don't see a way out right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Zini 
Thanks biminiblue. Your words of commiseration are valuable and much appreciated. I've told him again and again that this could very well lead to divorce, which neither of us wants. But at some point I'm going to have to save myself. I'm trying to be super aware of the situation: that I might drink just to join him in the swamp, to avoid the outcome of separation. So I have to be careful not to do exactly that. I have to be willing to walk away to save myself. I just don't see a way out right now.
My thoughts became 100% consumed with it, with him, with "what to do."
In hindsight I left when I needed to. I was so miserable. We were both drinking at that time and he was also into drugs. When I asked him to move out I didn't even have a job and I only knew a couple people in the area. I had a couple thousand dollars, and I got a job right away. It was tough, I was so unhappy. But I made it, and it all worked out. That was when I really began to work on my own issues, I quit drinking and I read every self-help book I could find.
Life is much better without the obsession of trying to fix it. I'll always love him; love wasn't the missing piece - peace was the missing piece.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Oh believe me I know that feeling.
My thoughts became 100% consumed with it, with him, with "what to do."
In hindsight I left when I needed to. I was so miserable. We were both drinking at that time and he was also into drugs. When I asked him to move out I didn't even have a job and I only knew a couple people in the area. I had a couple thousand dollars, and I got a job right away. It was tough, I was so unhappy. But I made it, and it all worked out. That was when I really began to work on my own issues, I quit drinking and I read every self-help book I could find.
Life is much better without the obsession of trying to fix it. I'll always love him; love wasn't the missing piece - peace was the missing piece.
My thoughts became 100% consumed with it, with him, with "what to do."
In hindsight I left when I needed to. I was so miserable. We were both drinking at that time and he was also into drugs. When I asked him to move out I didn't even have a job and I only knew a couple people in the area. I had a couple thousand dollars, and I got a job right away. It was tough, I was so unhappy. But I made it, and it all worked out. That was when I really began to work on my own issues, I quit drinking and I read every self-help book I could find.
Life is much better without the obsession of trying to fix it. I'll always love him; love wasn't the missing piece - peace was the missing piece.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,159
I read that, the whole thing. Yikes, that could be a Hollywood Movie (not the fun kind). I can feel your frustration and hopelessness. But I can't tell you what you need to do. You probably know what you need to do more than anyone else. For some reason, my reaction to your story is especially strong. It's not my story, but for some reason, it's affecting me like it's hitting close to home. Although, I can't think of what I've been through that is anything like that. Maybe it's just the desperation and hopelessness that resonates so deeply.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I feel your sense of desperation and hopelessness, too. I think you know what you need to do in order to save yourself. You said you have told your husband that his drinking at home could lead to divorce. There's not much more that you can do for him, unless he decides to stop drinking permanently. But, you can save yourself.
You will always find support here, so keep reading and posting.
You will always find support here, so keep reading and posting.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Zini.
Lots of hugs and support. It sounds like an impossible to maintain situation.
Ultimately, you have some decisions to make, especially to decide if your sobriety and recovery is the most important thing.
I believe that your way will become clearer once you have determined that.
IMO, your spouse doesn’t like to go out not because he’s an introvert.
I mean, he may very well be, but he doesn't like to go out because he wants to stay home and drink.
As an at home drinker, I was always deflecting attempts by my spouse to go out in the evening because I was either already toasted or well on the way, and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of that.
Good luck, good thoughts.
Lots of hugs and support. It sounds like an impossible to maintain situation.
Ultimately, you have some decisions to make, especially to decide if your sobriety and recovery is the most important thing.
I believe that your way will become clearer once you have determined that.
IMO, your spouse doesn’t like to go out not because he’s an introvert.
I mean, he may very well be, but he doesn't like to go out because he wants to stay home and drink.
As an at home drinker, I was always deflecting attempts by my spouse to go out in the evening because I was either already toasted or well on the way, and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of that.
Good luck, good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
The only experience I have is my cousin and her boyfriend both alcoholics, one sober sometimes then vice a versa, as time went on it got worse and worse, now he is serving a life sentence for strangling her to death, I can only talk from my experience but two addicts together is a big red flag to me, wishing you best wishes
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
I have seen a couple come to AA together , he did treatment and she just sobered up at the same time on her own. They both came into AA at the same time but it seems that she is following the program better. At the time they came in they were living in there car now she has a job and they have an apartment.
There is no one set of possibilities for recovery, anything is possible, the two of you could approach soberity together.🙂
There is no one set of possibilities for recovery, anything is possible, the two of you could approach soberity together.🙂
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Thank you for sharing...It sounds like you really love him..If it were me, id find a detox center nearby and get him in there to clean up for a few days...your story touches my heart bcos I'm also in love with a relentless alcoholic...if you can get him to the front entrance of a detox center then do it...his mind is gone in his addiction right now...hes not thinking straight. Get him to detox
My prayers to you both 🙏
My prayers to you both 🙏
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
2 day hangovers, are withdrawals. Even for binge drinkers, the concept of kindling exists. Eventually it will move from feeling crappy, to DT's and seizures, cognitive damage, short term at first, then longer.
There are people on this board who avail themselves of the assistance of both AA and Alanon.
I was married to an alcoholic, I was one too. Thought I had it licked when I married this husband and had a family, I didn't and it nearly destroyed that which I hold dear. I did not do AA, was not my thing, although my husband confessed he had considered Alanon. I read the AA book, started really looking at my life, taking more time to be alone with myself and start healing. This board was helpful.
My exhusband is dead, the story of his death is pretty horrific, I am alive, sober, I have the love of my life, my children and a comfortable existence.
I got sober for me. I got sober during my previous marriage and remained that way as it ended and I moved on. Had I gotten treatment, realized I had a problem, I might not have jeopardized this marriage. Hindsight is so great right lol.
You can get sober, it will be difficult while living with an active alcoholic, but it is possible.
The best part about being sober, when I tell the story this weekend of wrestling an alpaca tonight, (had to get a halter on it), people will believe me and not br afraid they might have to post bail!
Hugs to you. Your intuition will guide you. Order the big book of aa off Amazon and give it a read.
There are people on this board who avail themselves of the assistance of both AA and Alanon.
I was married to an alcoholic, I was one too. Thought I had it licked when I married this husband and had a family, I didn't and it nearly destroyed that which I hold dear. I did not do AA, was not my thing, although my husband confessed he had considered Alanon. I read the AA book, started really looking at my life, taking more time to be alone with myself and start healing. This board was helpful.
My exhusband is dead, the story of his death is pretty horrific, I am alive, sober, I have the love of my life, my children and a comfortable existence.
I got sober for me. I got sober during my previous marriage and remained that way as it ended and I moved on. Had I gotten treatment, realized I had a problem, I might not have jeopardized this marriage. Hindsight is so great right lol.
You can get sober, it will be difficult while living with an active alcoholic, but it is possible.
The best part about being sober, when I tell the story this weekend of wrestling an alpaca tonight, (had to get a halter on it), people will believe me and not br afraid they might have to post bail!
Hugs to you. Your intuition will guide you. Order the big book of aa off Amazon and give it a read.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,908
Hugs. Sounds so very precarious. I am over a year sober and live with an active alcoholic (though he does not think he is). He drinks every single day and has since I’ve known him. I had to reach a point where it ultimately didn’t bother me if he was drinking. Well, that’s not totally accurate some days it REALLY bothers me that he drinks like he does. But I guess what I mean is I had to get to the point that his drinking wouldn’t affect me in the sense that I would pick up. It works...okay. But it can be pretty draining and eww the smell. But I also like others here the desperation in your voice. It kind of seems like it’s not going to be sustainable and will be very painful to white knuckle through. I think it’s very natural to grieve the loss (even if only temporary) of your sober buddy. I hope by saying I live with this hard drinker it doesn’t sound like I”m saying anyone should. I don’t really recommend it. Just more saying so far it’s been doable for me. If that makes any sense. I hope you keep coming here for support.
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The Poetry Exchange | THE JOURNEY BY MARY OLIVER
your situation made me think of this poem.
also, you might want to check out the Friends and Families sections farther diwn the forums lists.
your situation made me think of this poem.
also, you might want to check out the Friends and Families sections farther diwn the forums lists.
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