scared1

I am so scared I will drink again. My husband has been so mean to me since I was drunk and kicked him out. I begged him to come home. I finally realized after years and years of drinking, that I am a monster when I am drunk. I apologized and I no longer want to be that person no more. I want sobriety so bad now. I want to save our marriage. I feel so guilty.
He came home but not sober. I think him being on the streets when I kicked him out forced him to relapse on meth.
He has told me he doesn't love me no more (even though last week when I tripped and kicked him out, the next morning he showed up begging me to calm down and love him. I was still drunk so I told him off and to f*** off) now he is doing the same to me. It has been 3 of the worst days of my life. I have been crying nonstop. he said he is not attracted to me no more, he'd rather live on the streets with a girl who loves him than live in my house with me. He won't allow me to touch him, hug him or kiss him.
I am in so much pain. I can barely breath, and I want to drink to get angry so I will have that " i don't give a f*** attitude" instead of feeling so much pain. Help!

SoberLeigh

Your post brought tears, scared1.

I hope that you can put some strong support systems on place - AA, NA, a strong presence here on SR. A sober plan is so important. The folks here at SR truly care.

Maybe join an SR Class.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-thread.html

scared1

I posted on my other post that I am trying to see about putting myself into an outpatient rehab. I sent them my insurance card to see how much it costs.

AnvilheadII

please don't drink. there are many many other ways to deal with your current circumstances. you need a sober you!

scared1

I don't want to drink I truly want sobriety. I only have 3 days sober. I am terrified that I will drink just to drown out my feelings. My pain.
I just text my husband again begging him to love me. I know I am not healthy. I really wish I could put myself into a residential rehab but I can't. It is not possible. I need to keep my job and I have kids at home.
I am scared that I don't have enough self control.
I don't know what sobriety feels like, all I know is booze will make me feel better for at least a few hours then I will hate myself and life again in the morning. I hate this so much.
I can't even go to a meeting tonight because I have to take my youngest somewhere then I will have her with me the rest of the night.
I feel so lost and scared and alone

lessgravity

Just keep pushing through and stay sober. Have you looked into "urge surfing"? I found it incredibly helpful in early sobriety - if you search this site you'll find posts on it. I feel for you and the pain you are in. However, the truth is that you are not alone. Website or not - there are so many people here who have also been through the pain and suffering that you're experiencing right now. Post on SR, keep checking in. Sobriety will give you the peace, clarity and calm that you need to deal. Stay strong.

AnvilheadII

i say this gently...but if you are the responsible adult charged with the care of a child, isn't that enough of a reason to not drink your feelings away? what does the child need?

also, if you have any one of your children with you, needing you, you are not alone.

least

You won't drink if you truly want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Anna

I'm really sorry for all the pain you are feeling. Be proud of yourself that you have 3 days of sobriety and that you are getting through this. If you stay sober, you will be able to manage the situation in the best way you can. Your child needs you now.

fini

scared, i have been to many meetings where a child or two were present. the parent usually brings some age-appropriate things to do (colouring book, book, ipad) and a snack and the kids are fine.

if you truly want sobriety, you can find what will work for you.

CupofJoe

I'm so sorry for the amount of pain you're in. One thing that helped me was to remember that there's nothing so bad that alcohol can't make it worse.

If you get through this, you can start to deal with your feelings and start to make progress in your life. Drinking will only make things worse. We get stuck.

Three days is great! Just take it a day at a time right now. Cry as much as you need to.Hang out here. Would you try AA or another group as well?

Just do whatever you need to in order to stay sober. It might be hard, but you can do it.

Wishing you well.

Dee74

We;re all with you Scared

I can tell you I had no idea how capable I was until I got sober.

I thought I was weak, but I was actually strong - I think you have to be to keep trying the same things over and over again....

You can harness that inner strength to make a different outcome this time.

Have faith - not drinking is the road out of the hell you're in.
Stick with it

D

scared1

Thank you all... I made it another day without drinking.
I am in alot of pain. Emotional pain and physical pain. I can not explain it though. My limbs hurt but not on the outside surface. My limbs feel weak and like jello. It is not muscle pain either, it is just wierd.
I haven't been able to eat well and I am having stomach issues. I am definitely riding all this out.
I truely want to be out of this hell.
I have never wanted sobriety as much as I do now.

fini

you can do this, scared.
what real-life support is available to you? someone to call? a daytime meeting? AA usually has phone volunteers to chat with, organizations such as LifeRing Secular recovery have email support, and both have online meetings and such.

keep going; way to go on making it through yesterday!

scared1

Thank you fini, I have been looking for support during the day. I can't go to a meeting at lunch like I want to because they are not close enough. I can't go after work until tomorrow.

fini

what kind of meetings are you looking for?
you might have a lot of choices: most people have a general(though often mistaken) idea of what AA is for and about, but many have never heard of LifeRing, SMART, Women for Sobriety.
in any case, getting connected with others, both in real life and in cyberspace, has been hugely helpful to me.
your physical stuff sounds concerning....can you go get that checked out?

Fearlessat50

Hi scared. I really feel for you! So many of us know your pain. I agree with fini- can you get to a doctor about the physical symptoms? In the beginning, I took some prescription anti anxiety/depression meds and went to therapy also. My doctor was hugely supportive and sort of became like a second therapist and gave me all kinds of support resources to look into.

I am concerned about the situation with your husband because it seems he has addiction issues too, and you could be enabling each other. I know you want it to work and you love him. But it seems like you really need to work on your sobriety and loving yourself as first priority.

I thought Dee had mentioned to another member once that Goodwill or Salvation Army might be able to offer some support? I’m not sure.

I hope you will come here as often as you need for support while you figure things out! Xo

SoberLeigh

Thinking of you, scared.

fini

hanging in there, scared?

Lucy79

Hi Scared, Just read through your post. So sorry you are going though this. Hope you are doing ok. Check in when you can, we are here for you.