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Old 04-14-2019, 07:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My sponsor suggested no relationship for a year. But it feels like it's already been so long since I was able to be in a relationship. And I miss it. I have 15 days today. I want to do the deal, take suggestions, actually have humility it's not do it my way. But. I'm not sure.
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Old 04-14-2019, 07:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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What about the year suggestion is scaring you? Is it because you feel like youíve already lost so much to alcoholism?

i ask because you mentioned that you havenít been in a relationship in a while. Does it feel urgent to get into one now?
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Old 04-14-2019, 07:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Early sobriety can be rough. So can a new relationship. I'd build up some sober time before you get involved with someone.
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Old 04-14-2019, 09:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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If it helps Press the way it was explained to me was anything I put in front of my recovery, I'm likely to lose anyway.

The other thing is - I wouldn't have been very good partner material at the start - I had a LOT of issues to work through.

I wanted someone right away too - but the reality was I had a lot of very short and very dysfunctional relationships behind me.

I didn't want to add to that total.

A little later down the track with continued sobriety and a little work on myself, I was much more 'together' and much more capable of being able to participate fully in a loving healthy relationship - same one, over a decade on still going strong.

15 days is just over 2 weeks Press - no one can mend themselves in 2 weeks - try to be patient

D
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Old 04-14-2019, 09:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Bad idea from what I've seen/heard and from how I know I was all over the place mentally the first 6-9mo..just like when you previously mentioned dating...are you hoping someone can fix/fill the void you were drinking at? Doesn't work that way..thus the suggestion of giving yourself at least a year. I'm still working things out after 2yrs and have ZERO desire to get into a relationship and deal with someone else's 'stuff' day in/out.
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Old 04-14-2019, 09:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm not sure what your after after 15 days, a warm body? The focus should be on you and what you need to recover, finding the solution to your addiction. Possibly that's part of your old thinking.
Good luck, Action
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Old 04-14-2019, 10:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Press! Good going on 15 days! I noticed from past posts and this one you seem to really crave being in a relationship, just curious as to why.
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Old 04-14-2019, 10:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Press,

First, congrats on 15 days, thatís fantastic. I now have 3+ years sober and Iím definitely a different person than I was when I started this journey.

If I werenít married when I decided to get sober I would have waited before getting into a relationship. It took me time to figure out who I was sober.

Give yourself time to get to get to know yourself again. Spend time with friends and family, do things you enjoy, and as time goes on you will be the person you want to be when you start s new relationship.
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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the only people that will be attracted to you and you will be attracted to are people as sick or sicker than you.
when you learn to love yourself you will learn what love is and how to love.
you will learn to love yourself by working the steps.
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Press, great job on 15 days AND that you keep sharing with us- a lot of it has been you going thru the super early hard stuff and we get it.

A few things- first, my sponsor was even more extreme and said I shouldn't entertain so much as a coffee date with someone for TWO years. I was married by then, as it turned out. But that's a whole huge different situation... AND it didn't start at 15 days. No way that could have worked. I simply wasn't able to take care of anyone else's emotional needs in the way I later and now can- I had to figure out how to tend to my OWN!!

Lots of us hear the one year "rule" - and it's not set in stone, but it has so much wisdom and hard learned experience from tons of people. For me, a couple people sparked confused interest by their attention, during my first 90 days - and I was fortunate enough to get out of those initial efforts without damage, bc my intuition for danger was coming back.

And, what Dee said, explained exceptionally well.

There's so much for us to do Press, adding this area is generally too much- in non-alcoholic relationships, beginnings are exciting/nerve inducing/fun/weird/on and on...not good stuff for most of us in early recovery.
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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So much depends on the person involved. But at 15 days, you might be getting ahead of yourself. Dating does present problems, and for those new to recovery, any one of those problems could wreck your fragile state. Then there is the breakup, and you could end up literally crying in your beer lamenting your sob story to the bartender, which is not a pretty picture. One year is an arbitrary rule. Everyone is different.
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Old 04-15-2019, 07:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I just recently decided that I would allow myself to actively be open to new "romantic relationships". I was told that it's best to wait 1 year, but it's day 230 for me and I feel ready. Not saying I'm just going to date the next lass that looks my way...but I'm allowing myself to be open to it. I think it's just a personal decision to determine if you're ready.
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Old 04-15-2019, 07:30 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I am at 14 months without a relationship....I thought I was ready last August, it honestly led me to the relapse path. Everyone is different, but for me self care needs to come first. I'm not even considering a new relationship, no matter how long it takes, my sobriety comes first.

Hope your journey in a peaceful one.....
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Old 04-15-2019, 08:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Yes! I spent so much time trying to get sober. Going on and off the wagon. Isolating. That I haven't even felt worthy you're able to have a relationship. I feel like I've lost so much time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eyes99 View Post
What about the year suggestion is scaring you? Is it because you feel like youíve already lost so much to alcoholism?

i ask because you mentioned that you havenít been in a relationship in a while. Does it feel urgent to get into one now?
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Old 04-15-2019, 08:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I'd ask myself if I was really ready for another relationship like my last one.

You don't have to answer, but how did that go? Was it easy-breezy, loving on both sides? Did the breakup go smoothly and on good terms? Would you do it again?

Are you wanting long-term? What if the other person drinks or does drugs? How will that work out? Where will you find this person? Is it just physical or are you interested in meeting the other person's needs in every way?

Romantic relationships can be painful. Are you ready for that?
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Old 04-15-2019, 08:57 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Haha! I'm definitely a cry in my beer after break-up kind of person.
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Old 04-15-2019, 09:00 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Belated congratulations on your marriage! Okay, maybe 15 days is too early. I can totally understand that part. I'm trying so hard to NOT do my will. I see my therapist today. I usually try to go in and tell him what I think I need to do. because I feel like it's my responsibility to figure all this out. I'm going to try to be open to suggestion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Press, great job on 15 days AND that you keep sharing with us- a lot of it has been you going thru the super early hard stuff and we get it.

A few things- first, my sponsor was even more extreme and said I shouldn't entertain so much as a coffee date with someone for TWO years. I was married by then, as it turned out. But that's a whole huge different situation... AND it didn't start at 15 days. No way that could have worked. I simply wasn't able to take care of anyone else's emotional needs in the way I later and now can- I had to figure out how to tend to my OWN!!

Lots of us hear the one year "rule" - and it's not set in stone, but it has so much wisdom and hard learned experience from tons of people. For me, a couple people sparked confused interest by their attention, during my first 90 days - and I was fortunate enough to get out of those initial efforts without damage, bc my intuition for danger was coming back.

And, what Dee said, explained exceptionally well.

There's so much for us to do Press, adding this area is generally too much- in non-alcoholic relationships, beginnings are exciting/nerve inducing/fun/weird/on and on...not good stuff for most of us in early recovery.
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Old 04-15-2019, 09:04 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you

Blah relationships! WONDERful and Painful. And that's where all my "growth" comes from, are you wanting more growth?! l

What are you looking for in a relationship?

This is a great place to start, asking questions and figuring out who to Not listen to! Just kidding, that is my way.

Chances are, with your impressive commitment to working your program I imagine you already have important relationships around you and I'm guessing you mean romantic relationship?

It's probably on it's way to you, because we are human and naturally want to be in relationship! (For years using was my isolating and unloving relationship.) I love that you ask for input! Thanks for sharing.

How goes the sponsor-relationship you are in?

Lovingly curious,
on the same path,
Choicy
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Old 04-15-2019, 02:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Personally, at 15 days I had no idea what was up or down let alone having a relationship with someone else, ufta!
I did wait a year. I was uncomfortable, so I got comfortable with me first.
I had some issues, so I worked on those so they would not flood into the next relationship.
I wanted to figure out what I wanted in a partner, but I wouldn't know that until I knew what I had to offer.
Now, I am happily engaged!
Time heals all.
Life takes time to get a hold of when we have been in the dark for so long.

Blessings,
DC
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:42 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Yes! I spent so much time trying to get sober. Going on and off the wagon. Isolating. That I haven't even felt worthy you're able to have a relationship. I feel like I've lost so much time.
trying to make up that lost time before you're ready to work for a different outcome will just be more time lost Press

D
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