Alcoholics are selfish
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Alcoholics are selfish
I know, because I’m one of them lol. But seriously, I’m edging up on a year sober, and it’s becoming more challenging being part of a sober alcoholic community. Or at least challenging in ways that I didn’t anticipate. When I was newly sober, the support was amazing, and I was so grateful! I still am. Now that I’m trying to untie my own mess, though, I’m finding it to be complicated to forge deep relationships with other folks in recovery. I really want to live a healthy life. I’ve also witnessed what a healthy life looks like. But some of the behaviors and patterns of alcoholics, even in long-term recovery, are sooo unhealthy. And that’s not coming from a place of judgment, it’s coming from being personally affected by the behaviors. Victimization, self-centeredness, aggression, or its cousin, extreme avoidance. I’ve done all of these things, by the way. I just don’t *think* I’ve done them once commenting to sobriety. And I’m trying to stay vigilant for when it does pop up in my own behavior.
It’s turning me off of the recovery community in general, but I know that I need to stay planted in that same community. How do you all manage? Am I looking at this the wrong way?
thanks in advance.
It’s turning me off of the recovery community in general, but I know that I need to stay planted in that same community. How do you all manage? Am I looking at this the wrong way?
thanks in advance.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi eyes 
The ignore function can be your best friend
You can use it as long as you like or rescind it whenever you like too.
I find boundaries are really important for me.
I'll just speak of my self as a member, rather than a mod cos thats a little different - but if I find myself too involved in a thread (especially in a negative way) I'll step back, maybe leave the thread altogether.
My job is to share my experience - sometimes I'll try to use that experience to argue a point I think might be beneficial to whoever I'm talking with, but I have to watch that too - old control issues.
if my advice or suggestions are falling on stony ground I figure I've come to say what I wanted to, and I'll leave it at that.
Someone else may have better advice than mine or a better insight into the situation that I do.
But yeah - there's thousands of active members here - all of us running the gamut of human emotion and experience - all of us good & bad - I won't get on with everyone and some people rub me up the wrong way - some even tick me off.
Sometimes my own mood plays into that more some days than others too.
That's what the ignore function is for - it's not about running away or punishing someone else, it's about creating a buffer where I can get peace of mind again and move on
I hope you'll decide to stick around - by and large this is the best internet community I belong to.
D
The ignore function can be your best friend
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
I find boundaries are really important for me.
I'll just speak of my self as a member, rather than a mod cos thats a little different - but if I find myself too involved in a thread (especially in a negative way) I'll step back, maybe leave the thread altogether.
My job is to share my experience - sometimes I'll try to use that experience to argue a point I think might be beneficial to whoever I'm talking with, but I have to watch that too - old control issues.
if my advice or suggestions are falling on stony ground I figure I've come to say what I wanted to, and I'll leave it at that.
Someone else may have better advice than mine or a better insight into the situation that I do.
But yeah - there's thousands of active members here - all of us running the gamut of human emotion and experience - all of us good & bad - I won't get on with everyone and some people rub me up the wrong way - some even tick me off.
Sometimes my own mood plays into that more some days than others too.
That's what the ignore function is for - it's not about running away or punishing someone else, it's about creating a buffer where I can get peace of mind again and move on
I hope you'll decide to stick around - by and large this is the best internet community I belong to.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I’ve found that people in recovery can be healthy and unhealthy just like people not in recovery.....
in my early years I found the support and the community critically important.
over the longer term, I found the need to have balance in my life.... friends in recovery but also friends who were just ‘normal’. As I’ve found people in recovery who have demonstrated unhealthy traits, I practice forgiveness and empathy... as with people in other parts of life who have unhealthy traits.
ive found that my recovery is my own and not dependent on others actions.
It it became an opportunity for me to deepen my own sobriety when confronted with unhelpful behaviors of others - and its a good reminder that i am human too, and still have unhealthy behaviors of my own
in my early years I found the support and the community critically important.
over the longer term, I found the need to have balance in my life.... friends in recovery but also friends who were just ‘normal’. As I’ve found people in recovery who have demonstrated unhealthy traits, I practice forgiveness and empathy... as with people in other parts of life who have unhealthy traits.
ive found that my recovery is my own and not dependent on others actions.
It it became an opportunity for me to deepen my own sobriety when confronted with unhelpful behaviors of others - and its a good reminder that i am human too, and still have unhealthy behaviors of my own
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Thank you both. You’re right, I have plenty of unhealthy behaviors.
i’m trying to find the right balance in how I engage. In life, we usually get to pick who we’re around. In a sober community, not as much.
I love SR; I’m not leaving. But like in AA in real life, I’m trying to figure out how to connect in a healthy way. In the beginning, I was just a newbie. Now, I’d like to be a meaningful part of the community. But how to do that and stay healthy is my current dilemma (more in AA than here, but here too).
i’m trying to find the right balance in how I engage. In life, we usually get to pick who we’re around. In a sober community, not as much.
I love SR; I’m not leaving. But like in AA in real life, I’m trying to figure out how to connect in a healthy way. In the beginning, I was just a newbie. Now, I’d like to be a meaningful part of the community. But how to do that and stay healthy is my current dilemma (more in AA than here, but here too).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I agree that the community of recovering addicts tends to be very introspective and some parts of it can seem cliquish or even isolated. What you draw from it is entirely dependent upon you. In early recovery I stay very close to the people who are undergoing things that I am, who are ahead and behind me in trying to make this all work out.
As an introvert it is natural for me to tend to isolate myself more than other people do, and I recognize how that contributed to my addiction and must be something I try to contend with in sobriety.
As an active alcoholic I was extremely self-centered and selfish in my behaviors that existed to feed my own desires to drink and to get what I wanted. In circumstances today I am faced with new limitations that encourage me to handle my affairs and my assessments of others in a more empathetic way, I hope. It is hard to grow out of habits that we have nurtured for long periods of time that are harmful to ourselves and don't represent us well in a broad community.
There is a great deal of stigma still attached to those in recovery. This can generate fear in us that also may manifest in atypical or even abnormal general traits compared to others. Perhaps that is why we must be more careful to be mindful of our thoughts and how they reflect upon us and impact others. Perhaps there comes some anger toward others when we identify with the negative ideas that people at large can have toward recovering addicts, when their perceptions are probably just born out of the inability to really know what it is like to try to recover. We should try to avoid this sense of victimization that you perceive out there and instead just show ourselves through the best actions we can muster.
As an introvert it is natural for me to tend to isolate myself more than other people do, and I recognize how that contributed to my addiction and must be something I try to contend with in sobriety.
As an active alcoholic I was extremely self-centered and selfish in my behaviors that existed to feed my own desires to drink and to get what I wanted. In circumstances today I am faced with new limitations that encourage me to handle my affairs and my assessments of others in a more empathetic way, I hope. It is hard to grow out of habits that we have nurtured for long periods of time that are harmful to ourselves and don't represent us well in a broad community.
There is a great deal of stigma still attached to those in recovery. This can generate fear in us that also may manifest in atypical or even abnormal general traits compared to others. Perhaps that is why we must be more careful to be mindful of our thoughts and how they reflect upon us and impact others. Perhaps there comes some anger toward others when we identify with the negative ideas that people at large can have toward recovering addicts, when their perceptions are probably just born out of the inability to really know what it is like to try to recover. We should try to avoid this sense of victimization that you perceive out there and instead just show ourselves through the best actions we can muster.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Eyes, I think it's just a question of getting to know people, here on SR, who are like-minded. I've been very lucky in getting to know people here who have become role models to me. Trust your gut instinct when talking with people and be sure to use your boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I have found that volunteering, being of service, within the recovery community or not, to be healing and uplifting.
Find an organization whose mission speaks to you, and go help them out.
You will meet a lot of nice people, I guarantee it.
While AA was very helpful to me early in sobriety, I found that after a year or so of meetings, it wasn’t for me.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Find an organization whose mission speaks to you, and go help them out.
You will meet a lot of nice people, I guarantee it.
While AA was very helpful to me early in sobriety, I found that after a year or so of meetings, it wasn’t for me.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
One of the things I’ve learned in recovery is to let things go. People are struggling and that’s what these spaces are for.
I can’t want others to get sober more than they do. I can’t want anything for another more than they do.
As an active alcoholic I manipulated, lied, isolated, and acted out anger. I came into recovery a needy and confused mess. And the people who met me here did so with patience and caring. When I started to reflect, after some time, on that, I felt called to try to mirror that behavior to the best of my ability and understanding. Boundaries are best shown and not spelled out, I think.
I am selfish, though. My sobriety comes first. Anything that threatens it is something that I reject from my life immediately. In some cases that means disappointing another. For me, that kind of selfishness is a badge of honor and I’m not ashamed of it - I’m proud of it.
We all have a story and we aren’t all going to be besties, but we do all have something to learn from each other, I think.
Thanks for this.
-b
I can’t want others to get sober more than they do. I can’t want anything for another more than they do.
As an active alcoholic I manipulated, lied, isolated, and acted out anger. I came into recovery a needy and confused mess. And the people who met me here did so with patience and caring. When I started to reflect, after some time, on that, I felt called to try to mirror that behavior to the best of my ability and understanding. Boundaries are best shown and not spelled out, I think.
I am selfish, though. My sobriety comes first. Anything that threatens it is something that I reject from my life immediately. In some cases that means disappointing another. For me, that kind of selfishness is a badge of honor and I’m not ashamed of it - I’m proud of it.
We all have a story and we aren’t all going to be besties, but we do all have something to learn from each other, I think.
Thanks for this.
-b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
All very good advice, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I think part of the problem is that I still have expectations of other people, and ideas about what it means to be a “good person”. And I get disappointed, hurt, and/or angry when my expectations aren’t met. Of course, my expectations are clearly wise and reasonable 😅. I’m starting to realize that I have to work on releasing those in my sobriety journey.
I also want people to see that I’m trying and that I really do have something to offer, if I’m being honest. Maybe that’s my ego showing up and it’s one of the lessons that I’m supposed to learn.
I also want people to see that I’m trying and that I really do have something to offer, if I’m being honest. Maybe that’s my ego showing up and it’s one of the lessons that I’m supposed to learn.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The road to resentment is paved with expectations. I have a friend who has high expectations and he is always very let down when they turn out to have human failings. I know a person sober only two years less than me, and they are the most selfish person I have ever met. Conversely, my sponsor was the most selfless person I ever met, and set a high bar for me to aim at. He also used to say "people have feet of clay", meaning they will let you down eventually, which it is why it is wise to have dependence of this nature on something other than humans.
You could be looking at it the wrong way. For myself, I don't care (within reason) about the behaviour or morals of other members. That's not my job. My job is to be there for the new guy. Whatever the others are doing doesn't matter, so long as the new guy gets a chance to find the AA solution.
A saying that Dee drew my attention to a long while ago, "Be the change you want to see". And of course the book which says "Nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics."
You could be looking at it the wrong way. For myself, I don't care (within reason) about the behaviour or morals of other members. That's not my job. My job is to be there for the new guy. Whatever the others are doing doesn't matter, so long as the new guy gets a chance to find the AA solution.
A saying that Dee drew my attention to a long while ago, "Be the change you want to see". And of course the book which says "Nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
Eyes, this is a very useful thread. Especially for me @ this time of 8 months. Introspection is stressed so much, & rightfully so, but our behavior affects other people & I can see what you mean by selfish. I’m not an AA person, although attended 10 or so meetings @ the beginning, but don’t they talk about service, helping others. We can do this with daily acts of kindness, living that way.
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