Just being selfish I guess...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Just being selfish I guess...
I don't have any uplifting messages or stories for ya'll today. My weekend was great, very social, very active, very sober. Today was a typical Monday, focused and positive.
223, without a drop.
I remember the look in my doctors eyes as he told me that I have 5 years to live. I remember leaving the hospital, but not really wanting to leave. I felt so alone, ashamed, sick, angry. I wasn't going to live to see 36 years of age...I really didn't care...so why couldn't I just stay there and die.
I had to call an Uber to take me home. No one else could come pick me up, or they didn't want to, or they didn't care. Can't say I blamed them for that. I was an alcoholic. For years, I had been a terrible friend, a terrible brother, and a terrible son. It was fine, as a drunk, I was a frequent flyer with Uber. The drivers name was Paul, or Pete, or...no, I think it was Paul. He was a young man, nice. He asked me why I was at the hospital. I told him I was dying. We didn't really speak after that.
I got home, it was like 10:00 p.m. The front door of my house was unlocked, which is the norm. I lost the key when I was drunk, so now I just leave it unlocked. Too cheap to get a locksmith....that's money that could be spent on alcohol. I crawled into bed....
I found this message board the next day, when I was searching for "AA for people who don't want to go to AA". I made an account, and spilt my guts in my Day 1 post. Ya'll overwhelmed me with your replies, and I didn't feel so alone anymore. I received private messages from complete strangers, but somehow felt a connection, a human connection. I've seen people come, and go, relapse, and succeed. There is so much pain to be read on here, but so much joy as well.
I guess I'm just feeling selfish today...because I miss some of the people that no longer have a need for this group. I want to know how they're doing. Are they fine? Do they not need this anymore because they've beat their addiction?? Have they given up? Are they thriving? Are they even still alive? I miss them, and wherever they may be, I hope they know they're missed.
Stay strong ya'll.
-Chris
223, without a drop.
I remember the look in my doctors eyes as he told me that I have 5 years to live. I remember leaving the hospital, but not really wanting to leave. I felt so alone, ashamed, sick, angry. I wasn't going to live to see 36 years of age...I really didn't care...so why couldn't I just stay there and die.
I had to call an Uber to take me home. No one else could come pick me up, or they didn't want to, or they didn't care. Can't say I blamed them for that. I was an alcoholic. For years, I had been a terrible friend, a terrible brother, and a terrible son. It was fine, as a drunk, I was a frequent flyer with Uber. The drivers name was Paul, or Pete, or...no, I think it was Paul. He was a young man, nice. He asked me why I was at the hospital. I told him I was dying. We didn't really speak after that.
I got home, it was like 10:00 p.m. The front door of my house was unlocked, which is the norm. I lost the key when I was drunk, so now I just leave it unlocked. Too cheap to get a locksmith....that's money that could be spent on alcohol. I crawled into bed....
I found this message board the next day, when I was searching for "AA for people who don't want to go to AA". I made an account, and spilt my guts in my Day 1 post. Ya'll overwhelmed me with your replies, and I didn't feel so alone anymore. I received private messages from complete strangers, but somehow felt a connection, a human connection. I've seen people come, and go, relapse, and succeed. There is so much pain to be read on here, but so much joy as well.
I guess I'm just feeling selfish today...because I miss some of the people that no longer have a need for this group. I want to know how they're doing. Are they fine? Do they not need this anymore because they've beat their addiction?? Have they given up? Are they thriving? Are they even still alive? I miss them, and wherever they may be, I hope they know they're missed.
Stay strong ya'll.
-Chris
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
I left AA because I made an idiot out of myself while I was drunk to everyone that was unfortunate enough to give me their phone number.
I don't really have any friends anywhere. So why go back? Not like they're just gonna forgive me or like me. They're gonna judge me in secret... remember what a loser he was? Remember all of the things he said when he was drunk? God he was creepy. He was weird. I bet he's still like that; he just doesn't have the disinhibition of alcohol.
I'm all alone except for SR and my dad.
I don't really have any friends anywhere. So why go back? Not like they're just gonna forgive me or like me. They're gonna judge me in secret... remember what a loser he was? Remember all of the things he said when he was drunk? God he was creepy. He was weird. I bet he's still like that; he just doesn't have the disinhibition of alcohol.
I'm all alone except for SR and my dad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
The people who weren't there for me when I needed them, aren't worth my time. As for the people who judge me for being an addict....I have nothing left to say to them.
Yeah, I was a bad person when I was a drunk. I get it. I fixed the issue. So now, I WAS a bad person, but they REMAIN bad people. They're just bad bad people, like to their core.
I have a new group of friends. I have my family back. I'm happy with that. Always be thankful for what you have.
Yeah, I was a bad person when I was a drunk. I get it. I fixed the issue. So now, I WAS a bad person, but they REMAIN bad people. They're just bad bad people, like to their core.
I have a new group of friends. I have my family back. I'm happy with that. Always be thankful for what you have.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I'm glad you've connected with people here and in your life who support you.
As far as members here, I always remember CarolD's words 'Members come, and members go, and bless them all on their way'.
As far as members here, I always remember CarolD's words 'Members come, and members go, and bless them all on their way'.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Who,
I stay clean by any means necessary. When it comes to sobriety, selfish is good for me.
Thank God for spell check.
In the early days I would curl up in a ball and whimper, stuff my face with cookies and ice cream, or go train grappling... getting my rear kicked by much younger stronger folks.
Those things got me through. Now, I still have techniques to get through the crave, but I don't feel like I suffer as much when the crave rolls in.
I haven't been posting or commenting as much lately, but that doesn't mean I won't in the future.
I am born again proudly sober. My drinking days are over. They were fun until they were not fun anymore.
I was so deeply impacted by my 45 or so years of drinking that I am still feeling mental and physical recovery.
That being said, I am almost in the best shape of my life physically. I don't have the natural testosterone any more so it will take more work. Mentally, I am like a brand new person. It is liberating to say the least.
Don't get me wrong, I am physically very strong now, but not as strong as when I was in my mid to late 20's.
Goals.
Goals are one of the tools I use to move forward. Physical, mental, and financial.
When I first became a non drinker I felt like I had so much time. Now being this clean, I feel like there is not enough time in the day to work on all my projects. My energy levels are way up, but when they drop it is time for a nap or bed.
Being a non drinker is like a new world to explore and I am Indiana Jones.
Thanks.
I stay clean by any means necessary. When it comes to sobriety, selfish is good for me.
Thank God for spell check.
In the early days I would curl up in a ball and whimper, stuff my face with cookies and ice cream, or go train grappling... getting my rear kicked by much younger stronger folks.
Those things got me through. Now, I still have techniques to get through the crave, but I don't feel like I suffer as much when the crave rolls in.
I haven't been posting or commenting as much lately, but that doesn't mean I won't in the future.
I am born again proudly sober. My drinking days are over. They were fun until they were not fun anymore.
I was so deeply impacted by my 45 or so years of drinking that I am still feeling mental and physical recovery.
That being said, I am almost in the best shape of my life physically. I don't have the natural testosterone any more so it will take more work. Mentally, I am like a brand new person. It is liberating to say the least.
Don't get me wrong, I am physically very strong now, but not as strong as when I was in my mid to late 20's.
Goals.
Goals are one of the tools I use to move forward. Physical, mental, and financial.
When I first became a non drinker I felt like I had so much time. Now being this clean, I feel like there is not enough time in the day to work on all my projects. My energy levels are way up, but when they drop it is time for a nap or bed.
Being a non drinker is like a new world to explore and I am Indiana Jones.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
Neighbors dogs, WhoDey - yellow girl is a lab mix of some sort. 
224 days - look at you go.
224 days - look at you go.
Haha yes, look at me go. Lots of regulars relapsing on here lately
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Congratulations on 224 days WhoDey. I think that some people stop posting because SR reminds them of a time they would rather forget or maybe it just reminds them of drinking full stop and they want to avoid that.
For myself I only attended AA a few times. That is not a reflection on them but simply that I accidently or serendipitously discovered a method of keeping the cravings away in the evenings by getting up before dawn and being exhausted by early evening, when the meetings were held. I have also seen people return after long periods away so maybe you will see them in print again.
You're doing really well WDP, well done.
For myself I only attended AA a few times. That is not a reflection on them but simply that I accidently or serendipitously discovered a method of keeping the cravings away in the evenings by getting up before dawn and being exhausted by early evening, when the meetings were held. I have also seen people return after long periods away so maybe you will see them in print again.
You're doing really well WDP, well done.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
In 14 months and three weeks I have made connections with people in AA that have gone back out, one went out and OD. I had one that I got close to as a friend, our believes were similar I thaught, called me in a drunken stupor to tell me that I was loved. I have gotten close to a few others that have gone well but they had more sobriety. At eleven months I was feeling that my sobriety was built on the souls of those who failed. If you look at the statistics for success of recovery you'll find they're not very high. Me personally I use every tool I can to stay sober and I would encourage everyone else to do the same.
Action
Action
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by WhoDeyPI
Ahhhhh adorable. I can't have a dog right now, and it's killing me.
Haha yes, look at me go. Lots of regulars relapsing on here lately
Haha yes, look at me go. Lots of regulars relapsing on here lately
It was the first time in well over a year I wanted to drink, preferably with a few benzos thrown in. Just to numb the feelings.
I'm getting through it.
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