HopeandCope1988

Hello Everyone!

I am new to this community, but decided to join to hopefully at least help myself through my Dad's alcoholism. Unfortunately, he does not think that he has a problem, is 74 years old, and will probably never think or admit that he has a problem.

Growing up, his drinking became very prevalent from my ages of 7-21, and started decreasing some at 22, and became very rare occassions at age 24 after he had a major surgery. Now, due to not drinking as much, his tolerance went back down, and so the nasty side comes forth much quicker.

Due to the alcohol, there were many times throughout my life that caused me a tremendous amout of emotional pain. I can thankfully say that my Father never became physically abusive, but he definitely was both verbally and emotionally.

To be clear, this is my Step-Father, however he has been my Father since I was 6 months old, so he's Dad. He married my mother when I went into 1st grade, and they started their very nasty and bitter divorce by 3rd grade. As an only child, I was unfortunately put in the middle of their mess, and still to this day am.

I love my Dad more than anything in this world, he did a lot for me. But he also caused a lot of hurt, and still does when he drinks, and I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm 31 years old, and stressed out enough as it is dealing with two aging parents. I just need help and advice, so that I can at least move forward with my life and heal from all of this.

Thanks in advance, and much love and peace!
-C-

Maudcat

Hi, HopeandCope.
Welcome and glad you found us.
As you are sure to know, we can’t control another’s behavior.
We can control our responses to it though.
Now is the time to think about what behavior you will accept from your stepfather.
Don’t want to be around him when he is drunk and mouthy?
Don’t be.
We can put boundaries in place that are for us, not them.
I get the elderly parent thing totally.
Unfortunately, your dad is going to see health ramifications from his drinking, if he hasn’t already.
Remember that you didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.
The drinker in my life is my younger sib, who lives with my mother.
As I am one of her caregivers, I see the effects of long term alcohol addiction almost every day.
I feel that there have been several opportunities in my brother’ s life where he could have said, “ I am where I am (divorce, dui, lost job, you name it) because I drink too much.’
But...he never has, never will.
Perhaps this is true of your dad?
Good thoughts. You will find lots of support here.

HopeandCope1988

Maudcat,

Thanks so much for your response.

I am currently in counseling for my anxiety, with my Dad's alcoholism being a huge trigger that we talk about, and I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I can't change him. I am definitely more so trying to focus on, as you said, controlling my response to him.

I posted another thread in the friends and family members of alcoholics section, talking about an upcoming trip we're taking. I was talk about my response to him in that.

Unfortunately, I will be in the car with him A LOT on this trip, and won't have much chance to escape if I need to. He can be pretty persistent in those "trapped" situations; almost a bully, if you will.

I have been learning mediatation techniques, such as breathing and focus, and so I'm hoping that I will be able to implement those techniques on this trip, if need be. I've also been working on setting boundaries with my counselor, as you were stating. So, luckily, it sounds like I might just be on the right track already afterall

But thank you again so much for all of what you said, I appreciate you very much!

Much love and peace,
- C -

least

Welcome to the family. I'm sorry for what brought you here but glad you found us. I hope you can set some boundaries and find some peace.

A good book I read that helped me cope with difficulty is Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's not a long book and it's easy to read. Give it a try.

HopeandCope1988

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at this, and maybe it was your intention, may not... but I went to put @ before your name, least... @ least...

Thank you for the welcome It is unfortunate, however, I'm also glad I found you all. Everyone seems so supportive, and it's just what I need right now.

Still working on setting boundaries, but my counselor says that I'm so motivated, and she knows that I can do it. So, that's something.

I'm terrible with reading, but I will definitely check it out!

Thanks, much love and peace!!
- C -

HopeandCope1988

Sorry, I didn't put the quote in my resonse to you, so I didn't know if you'd get a notification or not. But it's there haha.

Dee74

Some good advice here. I definitely think it's ok to detach with love/have strong healthy boundaries...whichever is applicable to what you ultimately decide to do.

Welcome to SR hopeandcope

D

Tailai

HopeandCope1988

Tailai,

I'm not entirely sure what you mean about hearing the otherside and that it's "not all about me". But if it helps, I'm glad. Thank you for your kind words.

Much love and peace
- C -

HopeandCope1988

Dee,

Thank you for your welcome! I'm definitely working on healthy boundaries, just haven't quite gotten there with Dad yet, unfortunately. But I'm optimistic.

Much love and peace,
- C -

Tailai

The "other side" is the people affected by the alcoholic's behavior. We are properly trained that we must not drink and we have to do it for ourselves so we are constantly looking inward. "Not all about me" is just an acknowledgement of other people in our life who put up with us.

Anna

Having grown up with an abusive parent (emotional and physical abuse, name-calling, etc), I needed to distance myself from my mother in order to survive and thrive. This is just me, but I would NOT get into a car with someone who was a bully and made me feel trapped. Learning to say "No" has been the single most important thing in my recovery.

HopeandCope1988

Tailai,

Thank you for elaborating for me. That makes a whole lot of sense. And, may I just add, that if you are in sobriety, congratulations! And I'm glad that my post could I guess, in a sense, put things into perspective for you. And I hope that your wife enjoyed that hug!

Have a great one! Much love and peace,
- C -

HopeandCope1988

Anna,
Thank you for sharing and for the advice. I'm definitely learning to say no more. My dad is one of those people I'm struggling with that still. He's very stubborn, and doesn't listen very well haha.

Tailai