Am I going crazy?
 

Recently I've posted here that I am having thoughts and feelings that I can not explain. I went to the Philippines and experienced some things that will stay with me for life. Good things. In fact, great things.

Yet here I am feeling a little empty. For those who have followed me on this forum, you know that I've done a fair amount of "stuff" in my life. In fact, my storybook is full. I don't want anymore stories. I want peace and love. And I found it in the Philippines. Here's a weird one for ya, I want to have a child. I can't in my current situation. I want a family, a family unit. Something I can be proud of.

So the moral of the this story is this: If you are going to do some crazy ass sh*t in your younger years, expect that you have permanently altered your course until you die. My desire to become a professional athlete and subsequently an organized crime member....it was exciting while I was doing it, but the chickens have come home to roost. And I am not a happy camper.

DEE PLEASE OFFER SOME OF YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM! The tears are pouring right now.

I don't have the wisdom to help you, Jeff. But I think if you are profoundly sad then there are three solutions: a medical one, and physiological one, or a spiritual one.

I hope you find your way out of the darkness.

Many people want to have kids and our never able to for many reasons. Many people want to have a spouse and are never able to for many many different reasons. I believe that you're married, correct? There's a lot to be thankful for in life. And we don't get everything.

I don't know if those are words of wisdom but they are my words nonetheless. I think that gratefulness is a word that's maybe too much in the news these days, that it's overused, but I also think it's so valuable. I have a feeling that you have a lot to be grateful for.

Hi Jeff
I wish I had words to make it alright - but I don't think I do.

I'm assuming you've talked about it and your partner doesn't want kids. If thats the case that's pretty much insurmountable.

All I can tell you is I wanted kids too but my time for that is past. I have enough trouble taking care of myself nowadays :)

It weighed on me heavily for a few years when I got sober but it doesn't anymore.

I've built a pretty good life. I may not have gotten everything I want but I'd be a jerk to complain when I look at what I have :)

I feel meaningful and full of purpose and I'm happy.

There's no reason you can't feel that way too, man :)

I wonder if you've considered a Big Brother programme? There must be a lot of kids out there who need a strong male role model.

I'm not sure if you have a record or if that would cause problems or not, but maybe it's something to check out.

When are you seeing that Doctor?

D

Jeff, I try to remember that I am right where the universe wants me to be, right at this moment. I may not always understand things that happen in my life, but I always have faith that I am right where I should be. For me, that's part of the spiritual aspect of my recovery. And, as always, it's the Gratitude thing. Try to stay in the moment, and try to focus on the good things in your life, rather than what you're missing. Be proud of yourself in your recovery. :)

And, I take anti-depressants and have for years. That levels the playing field for me and gives me the help I need to move away from my default setting of sadness. Have you considered talking to your doctor about your depression?

Thanks Dee, I am seeing this person on the 16th of this month. Any idea how I should handle this?

Thanks Anna, my wife is very similar to you. She feels we are as a result of "life". I don't necessarily disagree with that. There have been some on this forum that think I am experiencing a mid life crisis. I cannot disagree with them .

If you mean handle seeing the dr? be honest and open - leave nothing out.

If you mean handle your sadness at not having children?

Apart from the Big Bro idea...you said above you felt empty - looking to a kid to try and fill that emptiness might not be the healthiest of solutions.

I had to look deep within myself and find out where my emptiness came from and then try and work out ways to fix it..healthy ways, not just drinking or drugging at the symptoms..

It's a damn good topic to have with a doctor or a therapist.

You said you want peace and love - I think you can find those things, even if you're not a parent Jeff? :)

D

Thinking of you, Jeff, and wishing you well.
No answers or advice.
I had the opposite experience.
I had my son waaaaayyyy too young and couldn’t be the best parent at times.
It’s good now, but it has taken a long time and a lot of living for me to be okay with it.
The past is past, we can’t take what we did back, but we can try to do the next right thing going forward.
And be kind to each other. Kindness is all.
That’s it. That’s all I got.
Peace.

I have to quit crying at the drop of a hat. I mean, whats wrong with me.

You know when they said real men don't cry Jeff ? - they lied :)

Its been said before to you recently and its not completely out of bounds to suggest that you might be dealing with some clinical depression.

I hope the Doc can help next week :)

D

what’s wrong with you?
maybe nothing at all, Jeff.
if you really want kids and cannot, for whatever reason, it is a loss. a big loss, of a dream, a purpose, a meaning, a continuation of sorts.
i put “a” in front of those nouns because of course there are other dreams, purposes, continuations, meaningfulnesses. fulfillnesses.
crying about losses seems perfectly “normal” and healthy to me.

I would say this, be careful of false paradises.

I'm glad you are sober and here with us :)

We all have so many demons, drowning them is not the answer because they can swim.

I've watched your journey for a while now, Jeff. I'm sorry that you are so sad at the moment, and I understand that sadness completely. I'm a "woman of a certain age", and I'm also a widow of about 3 1/2 years. I was never able to have children and now that ship has sailed--so to speak.

I have cried buckets of tears over it--buckets.

Now the sadness comes and goes, and I enjoy being around my late husband's grands. Nothing will ever replace having children of my own, but I do enjoy a full life--maybe a bit too full at the moment, lol!

I hope all goes well with your doctor!

I am very experienced at "crying at the drop of a hat".

Now I know that it was a symptom of my untreated depression.

I found help from my doctor. It was a game changer for me.

(((Jeff))) :grouphug:

I think I need to work some gratitude into my daily routine. Its silly to dwell on what I don't have, and I should focus more on what I do have. Which isn't much, but its enough.

While thats true don't totally dismiss your sadness - its real and its there for some reason - I hope you'll talk to your dr about it.

D

Yes, gratitude is a helpful tool, but it’s not the solution.
Be honest with your doc. No doctor myself, but I’m feeling like this is depression, and it can be helped.

I've been diagnosed depressed and it sounds like depression to me. :hug: Talk to your doctor. There are ways to mitigate depression.

I hope you find some peace of mind. :grouphug: