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Day 19 and resentments

Old 04-16-2019, 12:03 AM
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Day 19 and resentments

Been doing well and staying busy. Busy for me is great as not staying involved in something has been my downfall. I've been having to catch myself a lot the past weeks as resentments slowly try to creep in. I've talked a lot with my sponsor, and how to deal with that. I've been making myself accountable for things that I felt weren't entirely my fault, but been opening my eyes a lot. Resentments have really wrecked me and been the main cause of my relapses as anger seeps in then its the blame game. My sponsor mentioned the thing about AA is"you dont have to like it, but you have to accept it". I really hate that but its true.

Tuesday will be day 20. I look forward to another sober day
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:11 AM
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Congrats on day 20 and keeping it real with your sponsor.
You hitting meetings as well?

D
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:36 AM
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Good going and what Dee asked

And while I started getting eager to skip ahead to resentments and amends...it needed to come in the order the steps have to be done.

Keep going and have a great day 20.
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Old 04-16-2019, 05:55 AM
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Can relate. For me it was regrets. Once I accepted them though, the game changed.

I was an all day drunk going through a handle of vodka in under a week trying to escape those feelings of regret. That didn't work. In fact, it made things worse because I was not facing the things I needed to face.

​​​​​​Today I'm approaching 4yrs sober (4/20) and I firmly believe I wouldn't be here if I hadn't faced those regrets and accepted them.

Everything I read about the issue of regret was that I needed to "lean into" the issues, not run from them. The more I sat with an issue, felt the emotions, and noticed my thoughts as they related, the easier it got.

The more we try to ignore something, the stronger it's lure. Yet, the more we try to focus on something, the easier we are distracted.

​​​​​Daily meditation and Journaling helped me in ways I didn't think possible. These were "controlled" events focused on dealing with my regrets. This helped make the rest of the day more bearable, and more importantly, allowed productive time for addressing the issues.

Congrats on day 20 man. That's huge!
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:11 AM
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Regrets and resentments have derailed many a person seeking sobriety. I didn't even realize how many resentments I was carrying around until I got to step 4, because I'm the kind of person who turns all that kind of stuff on myself. I accept blame and responsibility for just about everything that goes wrong in a relationship. So the resentments were never really getting addressed. Once I laid it all out on paper, it was easier for me to see that I really was angry deep down at a few key people in my life. Then I was able to figure out what part I played, and what I needed to do about it. I was finally able to accept that some people had really violated boundaries, and I did too. But it was several months before I could even really be clear enough in my head to even start that process. I think I started my 4th step at about 5 months.

Try not to get ahead of yourself. Might be a good idea to start writing things out as they occur to you. That really did help me to get things sorted in my head. Then I was more able to let things go that I really had no control over.
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:00 AM
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I gave up on resentment. I am over it.

I had so much resentment going on and it was tied into my drinking.

I would rationalize, I am partying and the people i hate are missing out. Crazy.

Now I think, I am a non drinker. Strong of mind and body. The people that I perceive to cause me ill will and still drinking are weaker of mind and body. I flipped the switch.

I also take full responsibility for my situation. I have made so many mistakes that I am exactly where I should be. I have had successes as well and because of them I am where i should be.

I do my best each day. That equates to whatever I can muster. Anything more is trying too hard. There is no anything less.

I have forgiven all those that I feel harmed me because of the above. I forgive, but I don't totally forget. I know there are folks that will consider my forgiving nature a weakness and use it to hurt me again.

For those whom I have hurt, rather than offer verbal apologies, I show my regret through my actions.

I give as freely as I can and expect nothing in return.

The rest I leave up to God.

That is how I have been rolling lately and it feels right.

Thanks for the post.
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Old 04-16-2019, 10:35 AM
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I've been going to meetings about 3 times a week as my schedule allows for now. I'll be working with th e steps process again with my sponsor as he recommended.

When I mention resentments it's not based on steps or getting ahead of myself. It's more of me knowing myself and the things I carry with me that have tripped me up. Sometimes it very difficult not to have negative emotions or thoughts which have also been my downfall. I'm just trying as each day goes to be a better person and make better decisions instead of being impulsive and getting a case of the f-its.
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Old 04-16-2019, 11:13 AM
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Keep batting the resentment away with acceptance and it eventually becomes something of a speck that can be merely flicked away.
That’s my experience
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:03 PM
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Hello, getright.

I can totally identify with the resentments in early sobriety. I was mostly in a rage, though.

I needed relief until I got to the fourth step, so I read the Big Book a lot, a mean a whole lot. Every morning I read the prayer on page 86 that starts with "On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead ........ And then every night I'd use the nighttime prayer on page 86, "When we retire at night, we .........".

And talking to other alcoholics before and after meetings.

I was told in early sobriety that the only things necessary to have an AA meeting was a resentment and a coffee pot.

Congratulations on your sober days. It gets better.
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by getright15 View Post
I've been going to meetings about 3 times a week as my schedule allows for now. I'll be working with th e steps process again with my sponsor as he recommended.

When I mention resentments it's not based on steps or getting ahead of myself. It's more of me knowing myself and the things I carry with me that have tripped me up. Sometimes it very difficult not to have negative emotions or thoughts which have also been my downfall. I'm just trying as each day goes to be a better person and make better decisions instead of being impulsive and getting a case of the f-its.
I was mad/resentful at a lot of my drinking actions and behavior for a few months after I quit. Most times that led me back to drinking.. Once I accepted that my past was just that...my past. I stopped with the negative self sabatoge. I know you're still dealing with some legal ramifications,but looking back at my self, I only used that as another excuse. Legal stuff I couldn't change, I drank at it. Relationship stuff I couldn't change, I drank at it.. I didn't know what to do or how to process my thoughts/emotions,so I drank at it. I was drinking at my past and current 'problems', instead of working for a positive way forward. When I stopped drinking and over thinking most things started to work out as good as possible and if they didn't.. I accepted it and got on with my life as best I could.
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:00 PM
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Just reading this thread. I not even thought about resentments - only 10 days away from drink, dont think I have any resentments really - lots of regrets though when i think abut the wasted years. Do some people get drunk because of resentment - I guess they do then, but I dont think I ever did this ?!. Im going to have to think aboyt this.
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:02 PM
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[QUOTE=DontRemember;7166058]I was mad/resentful at a lot of my drinking actions and behavior for a few months after I quit. Most times that led me back to drinking.. Once I accepted that my past was just that...my past. I stopped with the negative self sabatoge. I know you're still dealing with some legal ramifications,but looking back at my self, I only used that as another excuse. Legal stuff I couldn't change, I drank at it. Relationship stuff I couldn't change, I drank at it.. I didn't know what to do or how to process my thoughts/emotions,so I drank at it. I was drinking at my past and current 'problems', instead of working for a positive way forward. When I stopped drinking and over thinking most things started to work out as good as possible and if they didn't.. I accepted it and got on with my life as best I could.[/QUOTE

Awesome reply. Thank you!
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:15 PM
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Congrats on day 20!
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Old 04-17-2019, 04:40 PM
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It's more of me knowing myself and the things I carry with me that have tripped me up. Sometimes it very difficult not to have negative emotions or thoughts which have also been my downfall. I'm just trying as each day goes to be a better person and make better decisions instead of being impulsive and getting a case of the f-its.
For me it's two things - the first is that drinking is not the answer.

If I drink over my resentments that's my inability to find a healthy resolution to those resentments - not the fault of the people I have resentments with.

the second is resentments are almost always about me not being treated the way I think I should be treated.

Sometimes people treat me fairly or reasonably but not the way I want them to. Thats my problem to fix.

Only I can decide whether my expectations are fair or not.

It shouldn't feed into my insecurities and lead me to go f it. Thats the old way of operating- the way that leads me time and again back to a drink.

I don't want to run that circuit anymore and I'm betting you don't either getitrght.

Then ...sometimes sure - people treat me badly.
Its my choice whether I take that or not.

Either way the solution is probably communication or maybe a no contact kind of action - not drinking

D
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Old 04-17-2019, 10:44 PM
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I am 8.5 months sober and full of rage. I have rage at exes, people who have wronged me, and the biggest one...the prosecutor who I am blaming for my legal problems.

I have rage that I have a deferred domestic violence conviction from 2 yrs ago that came back to haunt me. I was being abused for years. He walked. (Though karma caught him in the end.)

i attend meetings, counseling, have a sponsor, nothing is really helping a whole lot because I am pretending everything is peachy bc I am court ordered to do all these things and I want a good report and don’t want another thing such as anger management added to my plate. I am literally seeing red when I have to see the prosecutor every other week at treatment court. I want to punch her in her ugly face.

Sorry I am of no help, and should probably start my
own thread. But wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Thanks to to all who have replied so far. I have studied your words and they help.
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Old 04-17-2019, 11:37 PM
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I can relate so much as well, and thank you for replying. Congrats on your time too! That is awesome in every way.

I was told if you have a car you'll have car problems, if you have a job you'll have job problems, if you have a relationship you'll have relationship problems. You get what I'm saying I'm sure. As annoying as it was to hear that it is true in every way. For sure lots of my resentments come from things I couldn't control or like Dee said I either felt mistreated or didn't like how something didn't go my way. I'm learning still and have learned that there are some things not worth fighting. I'm the type if something isn't right I'll say something. To some it means I'm always upset or pissed off because I can't let things go. Which is also true. The more sober I am the more I see about myself and my actions. I know we will never be perfect, and that is the last thing I want to be.

I've been in and out of AA for about 4 years now. I've taken in a lot from my sponsor and grand-sponsor. Sounds like you're doing well though regardless since you put 8.5 months together.

Originally Posted by LunaBlue View Post
I am 8.5 months sober and full of rage. I have rage at exes, people who have wronged me, and the biggest one...the prosecutor who I am blaming for my legal problems.

I have rage that I have a deferred domestic violence conviction from 2 yrs ago that came back to haunt me. I was being abused for years. He walked. (Though karma caught him in the end.)

i attend meetings, counseling, have a sponsor, nothing is really helping a whole lot because I am pretending everything is peachy bc I am court ordered to do all these things and I want a good report and don’t want another thing such as anger management added to my plate. I am literally seeing red when I have to see the prosecutor every other week at treatment court. I want to punch her in her ugly face.

Sorry I am of no help, and should probably start my
own thread. But wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Thanks to to all who have replied so far. I have studied your words and they help.
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Old 04-17-2019, 11:42 PM
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I have many resentment which is why I can’t do a step 4. My ex husband kept locking me up in psych wards.. It’s s been 6 years now since I stopped seeing the kids he’s leaving me alone. My second ex wanted to chain me up and kept ratttling the chain. I had to go to aashelter for 2 months. My third is dead.No way am I making amends to these sickos. Hope my story helps you.
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:03 AM
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Oh I absolutely haven’t been able to let things go...yet. There’s a girl who robbed me, then later died! (Karma got her too.) And I’m still mad at her and wanna kill her and she is f-ing dead. If I can’t move on past that, well, geez how am I to let go and let god for people and situations that are still living??

i am so flipping stubborn! I want Apologies! Only then will I forgive you and move on! Until then, I will hold the deepest grudge that will make you fear me! and some of these poor people have no clue of my silent grudges. What a crazy way to live but that is where I am at.

Last edited by LunaBlue; 04-18-2019 at 12:05 AM. Reason: Adding a sentence
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:15 AM
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“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive..........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.
― William P. Young, The Shack
you can't move on with your hands locked around someone elses throat.

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Old 04-18-2019, 12:25 AM
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Thanks Dee
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