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Old 04-09-2019, 08:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Trying to get sober in secret


Hi there. Iím completely new to forums and currently on day 4 of being sober. After waking up every morning saying Ďnever againí I found myself cracking open the wine every night having talked myself into it. Finally, on Saturday morning waking up after having my usual Friday 2 and a half bottles of wine, I began to read Catherine Grays book, and have managed it to day 4. Ive had some nasty withdrawal symptoms but today is better so feeling positive. My worry is that firstly, my husband does not realise what I am going through (I was hiding bottles of wine and drinking around 4 times what he thought - about 80 units a week on average in wine). Secondly, Iíve got the week off work as itís the Easter holidays to look after my two boys, but I am worried about going back to work. My work is very very boozy with regular lunchtimes spent at the pub. My boss is very Ďencouragingí in this respect i.e. can cleverly make you feeling boring or outcast if you donít go. Whilst I am just about coping at the moment, I am worried about my return to work. I donít want to admit to anyone that Iíve got an issue with alcohol. Advice anyone?!
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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If you quit, you won't have an issue with alcohol., so there's that
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome Loulou - I'm so glad you found us & posted about what's going on.

It's so difficult when those around us drink & don't realize what we're going through. That's why finding SR & posting here regularly helped me find the courage to quit & stay that way. I was able to discuss all my challenges with those who really understood. I had felt all alone with the struggle up until then. I hope you'll find us encouraging & supportive. Congrats on your 4th day sober - that is wonderful. Be proud for reclaiming your life & getting free.
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I would suggest being completely honest with your husband. In my experience honesty with the closest people around me was key. You are going to need support.

I completely identify you not wanting work to know. Maybe some white lies? You could say you are on antibiotics? Or that everytime you drink alcohol it makes you sick? You dont have to go into a whole spiel about it. No thanks and a quick reason and move on. You don't owe them an explanation.
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking. You simply don't. I think that talking to your husband could be a good idea, and hopefully he will be supportive. However, I see no advantage at all to ever discuss alcoholism with your co-workers. Like it or not, there is a stigma regarding alcoholics. And, consider how easy it would be to blame you for an work error that had nothing to do with your drinking.

I have to admit I never had a job where drinking was part of the work day. I hope that you can manage to deal with this.
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Glad you found us Loulou.

Your husband might not be as in the dark as you think. Mine knew more than I thought he did. He eventually became my biggest support.

Work is tough. You could just tell them you are cutting back. You will probably think more of it than anyone else. In my experience, people really are only worried about their own drinking. Good luck.

We're here for you. Congrats on the 4 days. That's big stuff.
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Old 04-09-2019, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You owe no explanation of why you're not drinking. Just say you're not drinking cause it makes you sick. I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Good for you!!!
a talk with your husband about drinking would probably be a good idea and would help you be accountable to yourself.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your responses. Itís so nice to feel that someone is there that understands and wonít judge. Evenings are the hardest at the moment. I donít feel like I can be honest with my husband - we are already in quite a strained marriage and Iím not sure how heíd react. I will take your advice and just not tell anyone at work why Iím not drinking. Iíll just say Iím have a break/detox for a while. This will probably seem strange to them as I have quite a reputation for being a party animal (which is actually the very opposite to my true personality - I think this is why Iíve had such a problem for 20 years - it started off improving confidence socially and now Iím hooked and drink like a fish at home as well). Iíve done some terrible things whilst drunk, and really really humiliated myself and black out almost every time I drink, waking up with huge depression and self loathing that it has to stop. Wow very cathartic getting this out as iíve never told anyone this stuff! Iím still in denial that I have a drink problem as I have been like this for my entire adult life, but really looking at the situation Iím in and the amount I drink, the compulsion and black outs, I need to be honest. I still canít use the term alcoholic though. Iím not sure if thatís normal?
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You quit four days ago, what do you think could make you start again? ( hint, there is actually nothing that can make you start again)
But figure out what makes you think you'll start again and get rid of those thoughts, if you want to quit for good.
rootin for ya
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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You quit four days ago, what do you think could make you start again? ( hint, there is actually nothing that can make you start again)
But figure out what makes you think you'll start again and get rid of those thoughts, if you want to quit for good.
rootin for ya
thanks! Good question. Plenty of scenarios which I donít know how Iíd deal with being sober. Feeling boring and uncomfortable when I meet friends (most of my friends drink a lot although not as much as me), going out to dinner with my husband, coming home from work stressed, the regular free drinks trolley on a Friday at work, having to explain to my boss why I wonít go to the pub with him at lunchtime, Christmases, birthdays, roast dinners!! The list is endless! Iím doing ok at the moment as I have removed myself from my normal life for a week, but I worry when I have to dive back in! Thanks again for all the advice
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi louLou, I'm new too and also in day 4.
we actually sound quite similar in some ways. Goodluck to you
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Old 04-09-2019, 01:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi louLou, I'm new too and also in day 4.
we actually sound quite similar in some ways. Goodluck to you
Good luck to you too Millie. How are you finding it? I donít know about you but Iím feeling a bit stronger physically and emotionally today than yesterday. Small steps. I will celebrate with a stiff sparkling water and a Cadburyís cream egg when I get to 7 days!!
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Old 04-09-2019, 01:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR LouLou

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Old 04-09-2019, 01:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I still canít use the term alcoholic though. Iím not sure if thatís normal?
That is exactly how I felt! I put myself in rehab and we had AA meetings twice a week. We also had to introduce ourselves in the group sessions every time someone new joined the rehab (which was daily). Everyone opened with ďHi, I am (insert name) and I am an alcoholic. I couldnít say it, took me a month and nearly 30 times before I could say those words. xx
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Old 04-09-2019, 03:18 PM   #16 (permalink)
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This will probably seem strange to them as I have quite a reputation for being a party animal (which is actually the very opposite to my true personality - I think this is why Iíve had such a problem for 20 years - it started off improving confidence socially and now Iím hooked and drink like a fish at home as well). Iíve done some terrible things whilst drunk, and really really humiliated myself and black out almost every time I drink, waking up with huge depression and self loathing that it has to stop.
This rings so true for me too. People tend to "associate" me with alcohol. I was at an event recently and there was a raffle (most of the prizes were alcohol) and my friends mum just laughed, saying "Well, Gray will go straight for the wine". And other people make similar comments. When I've got a good chunk of sober time under my belt, I'll be dying for someone to say something so I can shut them down. Not that I blame them - they have more than enough reason to link me to booze.

Anyhow, Congratulations on Day 4
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Old 04-09-2019, 03:26 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I still canít use the term alcoholic though. Iím not sure if thatís normal?
i had shame in calling myself an alcoholic when i was drinking. i really didnt know what it meant to be an alcoholic either.

after i got into recovery i didnt have a problem considering myself an alcohlic because i was living in the solution.
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Old 04-09-2019, 04:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Loulou,
Best wishes to you giving up drinking. I too drank entirely too much wine daily and was suffering lots of consequences. I kept drinking for several years pondering the question, ďAm I an alcoholic?Ē I realized that the answer didnít matter. When I drank, it wasnít for relaxation or to unwind with a couple, it was to drink to oblivion. I had no interest in moderation. This pattern of drinking was unhealthy and the consequences were mounting up. So I quit.

Now with some sobriety under my belt, I embrace the idea of alcoholism as a spectrum. I had more consequences than some, fewer than others. But I can choose to get off the crazy train no matter what my label should be. Had I continued, Iím sure things would have gotten more serious. I can learn from the experience of others without having to hit ďrock bottomĒ myself. The day I quit I was miserable, and that was enough for me.

I havenít shared my recovery with anyone but the kind folks here. Everyone who knows me knows I used to drink, and now I donít. Enough said.

There are so many great options youíll find here...the fellowships and philosophies of the various recovery programs are great, and youíll find many who go it alone. So much support whichever path you choose.

-bora
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Old 04-09-2019, 04:54 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Good luck to you too Millie. How are you finding it? I donít know about you but Iím feeling a bit stronger physically and emotionally today than yesterday. Small steps. I will celebrate with a stiff sparkling water and a Cadburyís cream egg when I get to 7 days!!
Im doing ok but it's really weekends for me that are a problem. I'm feeling positive though and looking forward to saving a huge amount of calories and cash

Are you in the UK?
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Old 04-09-2019, 04:57 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I was in a work environment that included a lot of drinking among my circle of peers, and that was a really bad environment for me. I didn't quit when I could have, should have, and I suffered the loss of several contracts and ultimately a career. I hope that you are able to simply say "no, thank you" to those opportunities that will only harm you.

You've received really good insights here in how to handle things, and I'm pulling for you, too.
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