Notices

Trying to get sober in secret

Old 04-09-2019, 08:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Trying to get sober in secret

Hi there. I’m completely new to forums and currently on day 4 of being sober. After waking up every morning saying ‘never again’ I found myself cracking open the wine every night having talked myself into it. Finally, on Saturday morning waking up after having my usual Friday 2 and a half bottles of wine, I began to read Catherine Grays book, and have managed it to day 4. Ive had some nasty withdrawal symptoms but today is better so feeling positive. My worry is that firstly, my husband does not realise what I am going through (I was hiding bottles of wine and drinking around 4 times what he thought - about 80 units a week on average in wine). Secondly, I’ve got the week off work as it’s the Easter holidays to look after my two boys, but I am worried about going back to work. My work is very very boozy with regular lunchtimes spent at the pub. My boss is very ‘encouraging’ in this respect i.e. can cleverly make you feeling boring or outcast if you don’t go. Whilst I am just about coping at the moment, I am worried about my return to work. I don’t want to admit to anyone that I’ve got an issue with alcohol. Advice anyone?!
Loulou30 is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 09:03 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
quat
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,819
If you quit, you won't have an issue with alcohol., so there's that
dwtbd is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 09:07 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,416
Welcome Loulou - I'm so glad you found us & posted about what's going on.

It's so difficult when those around us drink & don't realize what we're going through. That's why finding SR & posting here regularly helped me find the courage to quit & stay that way. I was able to discuss all my challenges with those who really understood. I had felt all alone with the struggle up until then. I hope you'll find us encouraging & supportive. Congrats on your 4th day sober - that is wonderful. Be proud for reclaiming your life & getting free.
Hevyn is online now  
Old 04-09-2019, 09:24 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
I would suggest being completely honest with your husband. In my experience honesty with the closest people around me was key. You are going to need support.

I completely identify you not wanting work to know. Maybe some white lies? You could say you are on antibiotics? Or that everytime you drink alcohol it makes you sick? You dont have to go into a whole spiel about it. No thanks and a quick reason and move on. You don't owe them an explanation.
snitch is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 09:33 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking. You simply don't. I think that talking to your husband could be a good idea, and hopefully he will be supportive. However, I see no advantage at all to ever discuss alcoholism with your co-workers. Like it or not, there is a stigma regarding alcoholics. And, consider how easy it would be to blame you for an work error that had nothing to do with your drinking.

I have to admit I never had a job where drinking was part of the work day. I hope that you can manage to deal with this.
Anna is online now  
Old 04-09-2019, 09:37 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bobbieka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Glad you found us Loulou.

Your husband might not be as in the dark as you think. Mine knew more than I thought he did. He eventually became my biggest support.

Work is tough. You could just tell them you are cutting back. You will probably think more of it than anyone else. In my experience, people really are only worried about their own drinking. Good luck.

We're here for you. Congrats on the 4 days. That's big stuff.
Bobbieka is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 10:05 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
You owe no explanation of why you're not drinking. Just say you're not drinking cause it makes you sick. I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
least is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 12:01 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Action's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
Good for you!!!
a talk with your husband about drinking would probably be a good idea and would help you be accountable to yourself.
Action is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 12:15 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Thank you all for your responses. It’s so nice to feel that someone is there that understands and won’t judge. Evenings are the hardest at the moment. I don’t feel like I can be honest with my husband - we are already in quite a strained marriage and I’m not sure how he’d react. I will take your advice and just not tell anyone at work why I’m not drinking. I’ll just say I’m have a break/detox for a while. This will probably seem strange to them as I have quite a reputation for being a party animal (which is actually the very opposite to my true personality - I think this is why I’ve had such a problem for 20 years - it started off improving confidence socially and now I’m hooked and drink like a fish at home as well). I’ve done some terrible things whilst drunk, and really really humiliated myself and black out almost every time I drink, waking up with huge depression and self loathing that it has to stop. Wow very cathartic getting this out as i’ve never told anyone this stuff! I’m still in denial that I have a drink problem as I have been like this for my entire adult life, but really looking at the situation I’m in and the amount I drink, the compulsion and black outs, I need to be honest. I still can’t use the term alcoholic though. I’m not sure if that’s normal?
Loulou30 is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 12:23 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
quat
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,819
You quit four days ago, what do you think could make you start again? ( hint, there is actually nothing that can make you start again)
But figure out what makes you think you'll start again and get rid of those thoughts, if you want to quit for good.
rootin for ya
dwtbd is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 12:31 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post
You quit four days ago, what do you think could make you start again? ( hint, there is actually nothing that can make you start again)
But figure out what makes you think you'll start again and get rid of those thoughts, if you want to quit for good.
rootin for ya
thanks! Good question. Plenty of scenarios which I don’t know how I’d deal with being sober. Feeling boring and uncomfortable when I meet friends (most of my friends drink a lot although not as much as me), going out to dinner with my husband, coming home from work stressed, the regular free drinks trolley on a Friday at work, having to explain to my boss why I won’t go to the pub with him at lunchtime, Christmases, birthdays, roast dinners!! The list is endless! I’m doing ok at the moment as I have removed myself from my normal life for a week, but I worry when I have to dive back in! Thanks again for all the advice
Loulou30 is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 12:56 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 17
Hi louLou, I'm new too and also in day 4.
we actually sound quite similar in some ways. Goodluck to you
Milliesgone is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 01:20 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Milliesgone View Post
Hi louLou, I'm new too and also in day 4.
we actually sound quite similar in some ways. Goodluck to you
Good luck to you too Millie. How are you finding it? I don’t know about you but I’m feeling a bit stronger physically and emotionally today than yesterday. Small steps. I will celebrate with a stiff sparkling water and a Cadbury’s cream egg when I get to 7 days!!
Loulou30 is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 01:41 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,044
Welcome to SR LouLou

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 01:48 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Ocean Lover!
 
MantaLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,603
Originally Posted by Loulou30 View Post
I still can’t use the term alcoholic though. I’m not sure if that’s normal?
That is exactly how I felt! I put myself in rehab and we had AA meetings twice a week. We also had to introduce ourselves in the group sessions every time someone new joined the rehab (which was daily). Everyone opened with “Hi, I am (insert name) and I am an alcoholic. I couldn’t say it, took me a month and nearly 30 times before I could say those words. xx
MantaLady is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 03:18 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
GrayJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Loulou30 View Post
This will probably seem strange to them as I have quite a reputation for being a party animal (which is actually the very opposite to my true personality - I think this is why I’ve had such a problem for 20 years - it started off improving confidence socially and now I’m hooked and drink like a fish at home as well). I’ve done some terrible things whilst drunk, and really really humiliated myself and black out almost every time I drink, waking up with huge depression and self loathing that it has to stop.
This rings so true for me too. People tend to "associate" me with alcohol. I was at an event recently and there was a raffle (most of the prizes were alcohol) and my friends mum just laughed, saying "Well, Gray will go straight for the wine". And other people make similar comments. When I've got a good chunk of sober time under my belt, I'll be dying for someone to say something so I can shut them down. Not that I blame them - they have more than enough reason to link me to booze.

Anyhow, Congratulations on Day 4
GrayJ is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 03:26 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Loulou30 View Post
I still can’t use the term alcoholic though. I’m not sure if that’s normal?
i had shame in calling myself an alcoholic when i was drinking. i really didnt know what it meant to be an alcoholic either.

after i got into recovery i didnt have a problem considering myself an alcohlic because i was living in the solution.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:45 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 348
Loulou,
Best wishes to you giving up drinking. I too drank entirely too much wine daily and was suffering lots of consequences. I kept drinking for several years pondering the question, “Am I an alcoholic?” I realized that the answer didn’t matter. When I drank, it wasn’t for relaxation or to unwind with a couple, it was to drink to oblivion. I had no interest in moderation. This pattern of drinking was unhealthy and the consequences were mounting up. So I quit.

Now with some sobriety under my belt, I embrace the idea of alcoholism as a spectrum. I had more consequences than some, fewer than others. But I can choose to get off the crazy train no matter what my label should be. Had I continued, I’m sure things would have gotten more serious. I can learn from the experience of others without having to hit “rock bottom” myself. The day I quit I was miserable, and that was enough for me.

I haven’t shared my recovery with anyone but the kind folks here. Everyone who knows me knows I used to drink, and now I don’t. Enough said.

There are so many great options you’ll find here...the fellowships and philosophies of the various recovery programs are great, and you’ll find many who go it alone. So much support whichever path you choose.

-bora
boreas is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:54 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Loulou30 View Post

Good luck to you too Millie. How are you finding it? I don’t know about you but I’m feeling a bit stronger physically and emotionally today than yesterday. Small steps. I will celebrate with a stiff sparkling water and a Cadbury’s cream egg when I get to 7 days!!
Im doing ok but it's really weekends for me that are a problem. I'm feeling positive though and looking forward to saving a huge amount of calories and cash

Are you in the UK?
Milliesgone is offline  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:57 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Guener's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I was in a work environment that included a lot of drinking among my circle of peers, and that was a really bad environment for me. I didn't quit when I could have, should have, and I suffered the loss of several contracts and ultimately a career. I hope that you are able to simply say "no, thank you" to those opportunities that will only harm you.

You've received really good insights here in how to handle things, and I'm pulling for you, too.
Guener is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:55 PM.