Tetrax

Sorry LG, I was being a drunken fool, as I have been to my house (the regular court jester that I am, always willing to play the part): they give me their MDMA like candy, their red wine like honey, then disappear with their lovers or their smirks; I need me an HP to believe in.

Hevyn

Tetrax - I'm glad you posted about what happened. You didn't have to admit it. We're here to support you as you get through this - we understand like no one else can. I hope what you learned through this incident will help you be stronger & more determined. I believe it will.

MLD51

If you've been to AA before, I hope you realize that your higher power can be anything, really, as long as is isn't you. The whole point of a higher power is that we have to accept that OUR way didn't work for getting sober, and that we need help from an outside source. I'm not a religious or churchy person AT ALL, and I bristled at the whole "God" part of AA at first. But the gift of desperation got me to AA, and I figured out pretty fast that I didn't have to believe in a Christian god, or any other god at all. I just had to get out of my own head, reach out for help, and begin to accept that there's power outside myself, be that what it may. At first my higher power was simply the other members of my AA club who were so willing to selflessly help me. I have a different concept of it now, which I won't go into, but it is still not a Christian God. And that works for me (and many many other people who use the program of AA) and that's ok.

I hope you find your way back to AA (or some other program) , and accept the help that is there for you.

lessgravity

😂, though you also know I'm a fan of whatever works! Sobriety is the only thing

lessgravity

Don't be sorry bro, I've been there, in a different way but close to the ugly edge and cycling back again and again. You keep returning here, which isn't a sign of failure but instead that there's something deep in you that wants a different way, a better life, sobriety. Just keep trying man. It will come, but you need to do the work.
​​​​​​

tomsteve

thats a good thing to read because in saying that, its saying you believe in the existence of them.
that can be the first building block.

ScottFromWI

Can you afford to stay? I mean that seriously - how much do you spend on drugs and booze? And you will lose your job and benefits eventually if you keep it up - not a question of if but a question of when.

So yeah, it sounds like it's a really bad situation. But you are the only one who can change it . I hope you do before it's too late.

KissMyTiara

You have to find somewhere else to live. Your chances of sobriety are greatly diminished while living in a drug and alcohol home environment. You CAN move out. Find other people to bunk with. Yes it takes effort. There must be some people that don't party all the time.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Everyone here cares about you and wants you to live a happy life. For most here, happy requires sober.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I'm an atheist and willing to go to AA. When they say God, I hear Happiness, the universe, whatever.

Tetrax

Thanks again everyone. I know I have to change many things. Also it was cocaine not MDMA, I now realise, not that it makes much difference. But maybe the point is I was both that drunk - and that obsessed with booze - that I didn't even care to ask what drug I was consuming, even though I did multiple lines. I was more interested in someone going to the off-licence.

August252015

What are your plans for the rest of the day/night Tetrax? We've thrown out a few suggestions....

Tetrax

Going to bed. Will gather my thoughts tomorrow.

Pressmetilihurt

I feel you on the God thing. Politically I'm an atheist. I mean there isn't a big squishy marshmallow Santa Claus in the sky. but one thing's for sure is that I need all the people here and an AA and na the programs are stuff I go if they insisted I need a higher power and that higher power is a group of drunks done they're right about that. I think for me it comes down to not wanting to have humility and not wanting to fully admit to my innermost self that I can't do this by myself. and even harder to admit is that I don't want to do it by myself I need you and everyone else.

Hawkeye13

I'm not an AA person, but I think the point of "Higher Power" is to look outside yourself for recovery as well as within--myopia is a recipe for relapse.

The idea of networking, so beautifully realized here on SR, is the point. If the traditional idea of God resonates with you, great. But if it doesn't, the connection in life experience we share as a group of drunks, whether locally in an AA meeting or virtually in a venue like this, has a similar "connecting" effect which lets you feel you aren't alone.

That's pretty important when you are lost in addiction.

I think getting caught up in the semantics / metaphysics and dismissing a method that might get you free local support without trying to find a "work around" is self-defeating and a bit intellectually lazy, quite frankly.
It's so much easier to dismiss than engage, isn't it?

I don't subscribe to the religious idea of "God", but I see how effective it is for many in recovery and living a meaningful sober life. I personally find my idea of G/god in Nature, in the unity of beings, and in the present moment of experience--if I wanted or needed local support, I would not hesitate to use AA as a helping tool for my recovery. No contradiction really if you look only slightly between the lines.

There are many roads to Mecca--the important thing is finding one that works so you can get there at all

ScottFromWI

I would agree with this. I think that no matter how you go about getting sober, you initially have to accept that there is something bigger than we can understand that makes us ( addicts/alcoholics ) the way we are. Even with some of the singular methods like AVRT - you have to accept that there is a Beast/Addictive voice inside you - and there's really no way of logically explaining why that beast is there - it just is there.

In some ways it's like an allergy - science cannot fully explain why some people are allergic to peanuts while others are not. But for those who have an allergy, they have to accept that they do indeed have it and change their lifestyle accordingly. My son has a moderately severe peanut allergy and has to be very careful about reading labels and keep epi-pens at the ready at all times just in case. He accepts this as part of his life, and does not agonize about not being able to attend peanut eating parties, nor does he obsess about finding non-peanut peanuts, nor does he question over and over why he is the way he is. I learn a lot from him in that sense.

August252015

Very well said Scott, and Hawkeye too - H, I loved that whole post because it is spot on. So many of us balk at the control, the surrender, the not doing it alone.....it's hard, and yet amazing when we can get to that point, however and whomever helps us.

Also -Tetrax, what's going on this morning (well, here in EST of the US)?