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My kid wants to live with his other parent - this IS my trigger



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My kid wants to live with his other parent - this IS my trigger

Old 04-02-2019, 07:10 PM
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My kid wants to live with his other parent - this IS my trigger

He's complaining that I'm too stressed. I feel desperate. Just went to a meeting.
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Old 04-02-2019, 07:17 PM
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Is his other parent reliable and sober? If so, is your son old enough to decide for himself who he wants to live with? Is there any custody arrangement in place?
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Old 04-02-2019, 07:28 PM
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Hang in there PMTIH. Look down the road. Someday soon your child will be grown and it will be just you. You still want to be happy and healthy right? Staying sober is for you. For the long long term. Kids wanting to be with both parents is a very natural and normal thing that should not be a trigger for you any more than the sun coming up. Unless it is not safe for your child to be with his or her other parent. Even then your child's feelings are normal. Stay with us PMTIH. I feel like you are really trying hard and about to turn the corner to feeling better.
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Old 04-02-2019, 07:35 PM
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what is best for the CHILD??
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Old 04-02-2019, 08:20 PM
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I didn't know you were caring for a child.

I know that must be painful Press - I'm sorry.
If this is a done deal, please don't let it stop you from staying sober.

You never know - 6 months down the track with you 6 months sober can bring a lot of good changes - he might decide he wants to live with you again?

D
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Old 04-02-2019, 09:42 PM
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I'm not sure how old your child is, that sounds tough. Both my parents were a nightmare at times for their own reasons and I remember alternating between where I'd rather stay so...I wouldn't worry.

I also love them both as an adult.
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Old 04-03-2019, 04:14 AM
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Seems like your AV is loving that. That opportunist sumbeach will kick you when you're at your lowest. Don't give your AV what it wants. Starve that jackass.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Old 04-03-2019, 04:23 AM
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Maybe beyond stress, he's really talking about the drinking press--kids like stability and peace, not unpredictablity.

You can use this as motivation and a powerful tool to get sober for good, or you can use it as a further excuse (aka "trigger") to keep drinking.

I think you have it in you to make a strong and final decision to quit for good.
I hope you choose to do that.

Sober life is sometimes "boring" and Life doesn't give you a medal for stopping.
But there are so many wonderful moments of peace and hope and growth in sobriety--I encourage you to work hard and earn those moments:
They are worth so much more than the illusion of enjoyment alcohol perpetuates. The price it exacts is not worth it.

Give yourself six months of sober with no possible out back to drinking.
By the end of that time, I think you'll find you won't want to go back.
You can do this but your waffling on commitment is what keeps bringing you back to the bottle.

I know this because I've been there too. It is hard at first. But it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your son.
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Old 04-03-2019, 06:40 AM
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I feel for you, PM. Lots of good comments here.

The best thing you can do is to stay sober for yourself and your child. The stress and anxiety will continue to lessen the longer you stay sober and work on healthy stress buster coping skills. Children, at any age, pick up on parental stress and it’s only natural they want to avoid it. It doesn’t mean a child loves a parent any less.

See this as an opportunity for self growth and improvement

Remember this too shall pass, and drinking will only make matters worse. I hope you will post here as often as you need for support.
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:13 AM
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Glad you went to a meeting pressme and that you came here to talk about it. Staying sober needs to be your primary goal right now and is really the key to give you any chance at improving your life in other areas. Don't let your addiction use this as an excuse - there will always be stresses or "triggers" in your life, that's unavoidable. Some will be bigger than others, but no matter what the absolute worst possible outcome would be to drink alcohol.

Learning to deal with things on face value is probably the hardest thing do to when getting sober because you will feel all the discomfort/pain very clearly. But it's a necessary part of life and the more you do it the better you will get at it.
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:40 AM
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Parenting is very challenging and can be a trigger for sure. The very thing that is destroying your child is what you crave. A conundrum.

Not knowing any of your circumstances, where the other parent lives, what the custody arrangements are etc its hard to say what should be done. But based on your posts maybe letting your child go into a more stable, safe and predictable environment is best for both of you. Gives you the opportunity to care for you, keeps them from the emotional damage caused by active alcoholism. If he is asking to leave, that should be highly considered, assuming the other parent isn't more unstable.

There is no doubt that active alcoholism rips our kids apart. And early recovery can be equally as stressful for them because often we are stressed and irritable. So its a lose lose. And I believe its hard to even see the long term effects we have on our children until years of sobriety have passed. The kids often think, hey they quit drinking all will be well, and that often isn't the case. Both the alcoholic parent and the kid become so focused on the drinking that all other problems become minimal by comparison. Remove the alcohol and all the real issues start to come out. Plus dealing with a child that hasn't developed properly because of our own dysfunction. Very tough.

Do what is right for your child. And there is no solution in a bottle. Period. Until you fully accept that you will continue to hurt your child, often irreparably. That is a grim reality but one that needs to be faced in order to mitigate damage. I had a long conversation with my daughter last night, a lot of it about my drinking. I've been sober for quite a while now and she's really just facing her feelings. She had to repress things for so long just to survive. And I have had many periods of pretty long abstinence. I still caused awful emotional pain. Its hard to face, and even harder to listen to, but its important for both of us.
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Old 04-03-2019, 08:08 AM
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I'm sorry Press, this must really hurt.

If your son leaves to live with his other parent, have faith that he will return. This may be the best thing for him at this time, even though it's hard for you.
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Old 04-03-2019, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
Seems like your AV is loving that. That opportunist sumbeach will kick you when you're at your lowest. Don't give your AV what it wants. Starve that jackass.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
I love "starve the jackass!"
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Old 04-03-2019, 09:05 AM
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I talked it over with his other parent I agree that I've been stressed and yelling. I committed to working on my behavior. I'm going to look into doing group counseling with me and my son and a therapist.
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