sobersolstice

Hello Friends,

I stopped drinking on March 9th, 2018, so it's been a few days over a year of sobriety.

I feel much better, and have been eating as healthily as possible, and going to the gym almost everyday...

This site has been a great resource for recovery, but I have trouble using it regularly because it reminds me of drinking. Soo, essentially, I've been white knuckling it. I've been reading my journal as well, simply to remind me of my past.

The issue at the moment, is that I'm living my life similarly to how I was when I was drinking, only sober... in some ways. My living patterns kind of fell back into the same routine as when I was drinking, with being lazy going to work etc. I finally cleaned the house at about the year mark after just getting sick of the mess. I filled 6 construction bags full of stuff and chucked it.

Soo, I feel better, and believe I have improved in bounds, have yet to really introspectively acknowledge the improvements. I do see improvements in cognition and memory. In essence, everything has improved, but I'm being overly hard on myself with regard to expectations of what I can do and what I haven't completed.

I have also started dating someone I met online (The internet has become a replacement for drinking), who lives 1500 miles away. We've met up and had fun (she doesn't drink), but this has thrown me into a whirlpool of adult-themed meet ups, as she is into these things. This has me in an anxious state, finally back into the dating scene, but with no idea how to manage it with regard to alcohol. I'm looking to meet people who don't drink, but it's easier said than done.

Now, I feel like I'm missing out on weekends, as an open themed dating scenario is a bit different to me, and honestly, this month is the first time I've had initial sex sober... Honestly, it's triggering, and I feel like going out to meet people has become something I should do as my friend network has almost disappeared. I had locked myself inside, apart from work and gym.

I know I can't drink again, but the cravings came back last weekend (partially due to coffee and no food), but with some anxiety. I feel like I may be finding an addictive nature to sex, and while many can handle it, I don't know if I'm in a good place mentally to explore this world. I ultimately want something long-term, but I guess 'warming up' to that with sexually open people. It's just a little confusing, and outside of the world of normal instinct.

This year, I'm trying to rebuild my life a bit more, as the past year seemed just a white knuckle journey getting through the days with ups and downs, but more of a baseline feel compared to the rollercoaster days of drinking.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say. I'm 41 years old, and a year sober.... I feel a little like I'm trying to re-live my past, at the same time get in order for the future??

I really feel 19yo in my mind again. This isn't a bad thing, but I act like this in person sometimes, which is a bit part of me, but ehhh.. trying to sort things out.

Sorry about the disjointed text, but I'm doing okay, and could perhaps use some pointers.

I know I could use some time to reflect on things and write them down. I felt like I was coming close to drinking again, and I'm forcing it not to happen, though avoiding all social occasions after a scary wedding (drinking wise).

Hope You all are doing well, and thanks for listening. =]

aasharon90

If I get restless, irritable or discontent in
different areas of my life, I have to regroup,
take time by letting go of "stuff" in life that
ruffles my feathers, gather my recovery tools,
my recovery guideline, reconnect to my Source,
that Power greater than I, to help strengthen
my serenity that normally is down the street
somewhere and reel it back in to me.

There is nothing in the world, in this life that
is more important than remaining sober first
and foremost. For with out my sobriety/recovery
then, I surely wouldn't have anything else. Nothing.

Stay strong, responsible and sober.

Della1968

I think doing anything that doesn't feel authentic is at direct odds with trying to stay sober. I have learned if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

sobersolstice

Yes, the path that I am going down feels empty (open-dating)... and that's the feeling I've been trying to fill.

I knew this would be a crux, and looking to move things around into their proper places.

I have a lot I am thinking about, as my Mother is sick and doesn't have long to live. I'm partially distracting myself, but otherwise working hard and trying to help family. This is big in that I am able to help them out now...

I suppose I wake up in the morning sometimes and think "what now?".

Sorry this isn't a motivational position with regard to being alcohol-free.. though I'm hard on myself, I feel I've come quiet a long way.

D122y

Sober,

The blessing and the curse of this site is knowing what is in store for me if I drink again.

I had no idea before and would routinely relapse anywhere between 1 day and 1 month. This was killing me.

The blessing is I am this clean. Yay!

The curse is that I am caught in the middle of my emotional desire to drink and my analytical management of that desire.

I know things that can cure the crave. Exercise, reading/posting on SR, AA meetings, doing good deeds, riding roller coasters etc etc. These things are called life. Daily sober life.

My routine is similar to when I was drinking except I am no longer drunk etc. I go out even more now, because I can drive and stay up later.

Big work party last night. Some folks had 1 or 2 drinks. Some may have had none, like me. Some folks drank like there was no tomorrow. Most were gone pretty early. One poor soul was staggering around with a stupid smirk pissing everyone off.

I woke up today, as I will for the rest of my life, sober as a plank. (?)

My sober muscles didn't even have to work last night. I saw absolutely no point in ingesting CNS depressing liquids that took me to the brink of death 4 years ago.

I was a little hungry, but I held on until i got home and had some fig cookies with peanut butter and milk. They were delicious.

If you got this far in my therapy session, cool. Regarding the sex thing. My vote is sex it up! Just be safe and don't break someones heart etc. I sometimes regret when I think back on the wonderful experiences I let slip by for one reason or another.

Sometimes I just could not close the deal. Glory days. Memories of a bygone era.

I just finished whipping up some delicious pork ribs. They are amazing. Second cup of coffee. Already took the wife's car to the wash, fiddled with my leaky lou, and am doing my laundry.

Thanks.

kinzoku

It sounds like life is tough and the old crutch looks a little good in that light.

This too will pass.

Congratulations on your sober time. Id be honest with your girl if you don't feel comfortable doing certain things.

Anna

These are my feelings, too.

doggonecarl

And as you mentioned in another post, you're getting high.

So it sounds like all you've done is quit drinking. That's not recovery.

aasharon90

I wasn't aware of you getting high when I
shared earlier. Getting high on what, I dont
know. Is it getting high on life or a substance?

In recovery we have to learn and work towards
being completely honest in all areas of our life in
order to be successful in ones own recovery and
sobriety.

It took me a while in my own life to begin
practicing honesty in all my affairs, and when
I finally achieve it, then a new door opened
to me and I felt a new freedom I had never
experienced before in my life.

Totally abstinence of any and all toxic, controlling,
narcotic substances whether it be alcohol, drugs, meds,
etc. will help us achieve success in recovery/sobriety.

kinzoku

While doggonecarl puts it harshly, I read the post too. It was troubling. It may be something to consider, putting away the weed and focusing on sobriety in the fullest sense.

sobersolstice

I likely consume more weed than I should, but it has kept me away from alcohol. I have also dropped my benzodiazapene addiction to 1/3 of what it used to be, inadvertently.

I do enjoy weeks off of it at a time to regain mental clarity and overall greater levels of activity, but I'm very high strung, and helps with my anxiety, so I began with it as a medical choice after speaking to a mental health physician. She said the complexity of the drug makes it difficult to assess if it is beneficial or not, but still psychotropic and has potential detriments.

Maybe I asked the wrong place? I'm just trying to address the alcohol concerns with regard to somewhat new-found anxiety related to social situations. I've just been doing things that don't involve drinking, though in the beginning decided to do the difficult thing by intentionally doing the things that involve alcohol to 'acclimate' to environments so I wouldn't have to change my social circles. Unfortunately, most of my friends have moved due to prohibitive prices in my area. I'm looking for new friends, and finding a hard time doing so because I feel the majority of people I strike conversation with are drinkers.

I'm simply referencing my sobriety from alcohol, and becoming socially involved in a healthy manner without it.

MindfulMan

I was cross addicted to alcohol and Lunesta (sleep med) and at times benzos. If you are still "1/3" addicted to benzos, you're still addicted to sedatives. Benzos work on mostly the same receptors as alcohol.

There are some members here that stopped drinking and take benzos as prescribed for anxiety. I couldn't do that.

If it were me, I'd get off the benzos and learn to manage the anxiety in other ways, either behaviorally or with a non-gabagenic drug like Buspirone. If you absolutely feel you must take a benzo, hopefully it's "as needed" and not daily IF you could manage that (there is not a chance in hell I could only take benzos "as needed," "as needed" would become as many as I could swallow).

I spent years hiding from sex and drinking again. All of my friends were straight, I didn't go out to gay bars or events, there was no Scruff or Grindr, so I just had sex extremely infrequently, I'm talking years. I've read that when we get sober we go back to the age before we used our DOCs, so I'm partially a horny teenager again, hooking up 5-6 times a month for random encounters. I'm OK with that, and in the gay world that's not considered weird. Eventually I may tire of it and find a nice man to settle down with, but even then I don't feel the need to adhere to a heterocentric standard and insist on monogamy.

Not sure what exactly you're getting about with your misgivings about sex, but I don't think it's a big deal as of itself. My therapist was a gay sex addict, there is a definite difference, as we've talked about it quite a bit. If your lady is into porn or toys or threesomes or whatever, so be it. If you don't want to do such things, then you shouldn't. If it's making you uncomfortable you might want to figure out why.

But as far as sobriety, given your weed and continued "1/3" benzo addiction....are you really sober? Maybe you should give true sobriety a try.

Gottalife

To get out of the misery of alcholism (drinking or not drinking) I needed something of a "complete psychic change." Imagine my disappointemnt to discover that such a change was not to be found in someone elses pants. The cause of my dicomfort could not be eleiminated through external adjustments and substances. It is an inside job.

August252015

EDIT- I wrote a whole other response before I remembered the mention of pot above and re-read your shares.

Carl's spot on in my book. I always share that I do take ativan, a benzo, as needed for anxiety; I have a lot of other tools for it and my INTENT has to be the key. Side note: that's why I am going to talk with my psych at my upcoming appt about whether I should stay on it.

Your life sounds very stressful and unfulfilling to me; the question I have is even more basic than a survival one - what do you really want? Happiness and peace mean sobriety - and truthfully, RECOVERY - for me.

sobersolstice

Well, this is hilarious.

Thank you for the laughs...

This used to be an open and friendly place.

It has become a toxic, cult-like one which is very judgemental and critical.

Do I get a giant plate hanging around my neck like tom cruise?

There's a sub-forum for marijuana... maybe you all will find solace in smashing that place.

I will never expose myself like this ever again.

lessgravity

I've been taken a back with the tone of many of these responses, as much as I do think the intention is in the right place. A year without alcohol is something to be celebrated and commended. Terrific stuff. I can't disagree with others though that the suffering you continue to experience seems to be related to the choices that you continue to make regarding sex and other substances. We're the same age and have about the same sobriety date. For me the obligations and responsibilities of a family have kept me in check, whereas I can imagine if I was single there would be much temptation to stray. I think if you cannot take everything that everyone is saying personally take it for what it's worth that it would benefit you to stick around.

doggonecarl

A sub forum for quitting marijuana, not using it as a sobriety tool.

I made my comments based on my own experience. In my 20s I was terribly addicted to meth and other drugs. I quit, finally, but didn't quit drinking, as alcohol wasn't my problem. Twenty something years later, I find Sober Recovery, because of my drinking.

I didn't have a drug problem or an alcohol problem. I had a problem being sober, in coping with life with a clear, substance free mind. I've found that now, but not merely through abstinence. Hope you find it too.

August252015

Tone can be hard to judge online and I know I was easily on the defensive when I didn't like what I heard (or, thought I was hearing). Sometimes, I'm blunt around here and sometimes more gentle or Socratic....this topic of multiple substance use is going to keep coming up, particularly the pot thing....since this isn't a moderation site, we can all have our own opinions about what sober means - but substituting one substance for another is not something I'd expect lots of us to support as a great idea.

Up to you, re choices in life and participating here. To me this is a pretty open place - where people also flat out know that the end of the line for substance abuse is death. Harsh? Nope. True.

Finalround

Your OP is hard to follow even in your own words. "I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say" and "sorry about the disjointed text".

You reference your addictive personality and overuse of pot and a propensity towards sex addiction. It reads that you have stopped drinking for a year but have only substituted one addiction for another. I'm saying that is the wAy it "reads".

I know I would drink "to take the edge off". Well, if I don't drink but now substitute other mind/mood altering substances to "take the edge off", what have I really gained? Nothing has been fixed.

So please don't be discouraged by people's responses here. You are surely misinterpreting them as we may be misinterpreting your post. Maybe clarify a little more. Your own words state that the post is not very clear what you are asking for.

Congrats on a year without booze.

Dee74

Hi Sobersolstice
Congrats on your year alcohol free.

Have to admit I didn't post in this thread on purpose because I knew you wouldn't like what I had to say - that your continued pot use is almost certainly a big factor in the continued anxiety, apathy, and sense of lack of progress you're feeling.

That's not dogma or any cult guideline (!).
I base that on my experience and my 30 years of smoking pot.

If addiction is like being chained to a wall, stopping drinking is like getting one hand free.

Smoking pot instead is like leaving the other hand chained and wondering why you can't still can't get anywhere.

Quit the pot - do some introspection on why it is you turn to external things like alcohol pot or sex to feel good.

6 months from now with a little work you could be in a far better place

D