Checking in and an update....
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 80
Checking in and an update....
I was off to such a good sober start this year, then tragedy struck. On February 25th, we lost one of our dogs to a tragic accident. I was with him when he took his last breath. I'll probably make a separate post in the grief and loss subforum.
Long story short, the pain and trauma kicked up so much emotion that I started drinking again - quite heavily. Once again, I was back to daily shakes and feeling like I was ready to crawl out of my skin. Worse yet, I began experiencing levels of anxiety at unprecedented levels, accompanied by episodes in the middle of the night that I can only describe as bottomless despair and hopelessness. I'm quite certain that alcohol is magnifying these feelings on a grand scale, and it seems with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse. I'm sure many of you may be able to relate to that.
I am now on day two again, and am committed to sobriety for today. I plan on checking out an AA meeting this week, as well.
That's all I can muster at the moment...
Long story short, the pain and trauma kicked up so much emotion that I started drinking again - quite heavily. Once again, I was back to daily shakes and feeling like I was ready to crawl out of my skin. Worse yet, I began experiencing levels of anxiety at unprecedented levels, accompanied by episodes in the middle of the night that I can only describe as bottomless despair and hopelessness. I'm quite certain that alcohol is magnifying these feelings on a grand scale, and it seems with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse. I'm sure many of you may be able to relate to that.
I am now on day two again, and am committed to sobriety for today. I plan on checking out an AA meeting this week, as well.
That's all I can muster at the moment...
I am so sorry for the loss of your dog. 
I hope you can achieve your goal of complete sobriety, despite the pain you are feeling. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Originally Posted by TacoDude 
Worse yet, I began experiencing levels of anxiety at unprecedented levels, accompanied by episodes in the middle of the night that I can only describe as bottomless despair and hopelessness. I'm quite certain that alcohol is magnifying these feelings on a grand scale, and it seems with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
As a dog owner I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.
That said, loss is a constant in life - we all lose loved ones, and suffering is guaranteed. It's no excuse to drink.
It will soon be 9 years since you first posted about your need to quit drinking. I don't point that out as an insult, I've been here a long time myself. But isn't it about time to stop having to find excuses to drink and instead deciding never to pick up again?
That said, loss is a constant in life - we all lose loved ones, and suffering is guaranteed. It's no excuse to drink.
It will soon be 9 years since you first posted about your need to quit drinking. I don't point that out as an insult, I've been here a long time myself. But isn't it about time to stop having to find excuses to drink and instead deciding never to pick up again?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, TacoDude
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. We lost 13-year-old rat terrier four years ago to a terrible disease. I still miss him. I always will. We have another one, but my little Buddy will always have a special place in my heart.
You mentioned "with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse. I'm sure many of you may be able to relate to that." Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I so vividly remember the last days of my drinking. By the grace of God, I never have to go to that dark place again.
That's really a great idea that you're going to attend an AA meeting. The program has kept me sober for 21 continuous years. I love my life now. I have a freedom that I never knew was possible. Good luck on your journey.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. We lost 13-year-old rat terrier four years ago to a terrible disease. I still miss him. I always will. We have another one, but my little Buddy will always have a special place in my heart.
You mentioned "with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse. I'm sure many of you may be able to relate to that." Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I so vividly remember the last days of my drinking. By the grace of God, I never have to go to that dark place again.
That's really a great idea that you're going to attend an AA meeting. The program has kept me sober for 21 continuous years. I love my life now. I have a freedom that I never knew was possible. Good luck on your journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 80
Our little Max was also a Rat Terrier, dj. We love this breed and Max is survived by our younger female Rat Terrier, Daisy. Max at his prime knew over 30 distinct words and phrases and was an exuberant force of nature. Thanks for sharing your story, as well.
The concept of alcoholism being a progressive disease/condition was foreign to me until recently. I drank heavily for the past 20 years with somewhat impunity, but I realize now that I'm headed to an early grave if I continue.
The concept of alcoholism being a progressive disease/condition was foreign to me until recently. I drank heavily for the past 20 years with somewhat impunity, but I realize now that I'm headed to an early grave if I continue.
Originally Posted by djlook
Hello, TacoDude
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. We lost 13-year-old rat terrier four years ago to a terrible disease. I still miss him. I always will. We have another one, but my little Buddy will always have a special place in my heart.
You mentioned "with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse. I'm sure many of you may be able to relate to that." Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I so vividly remember the last days of my drinking. By the grace of God, I never have to go to that dark place again.
That's really a great idea that you're going to attend an AA meeting. The program has kept me sober for 21 continuous years. I love my life now. I have a freedom that I never knew was possible. Good luck on your journey.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. We lost 13-year-old rat terrier four years ago to a terrible disease. I still miss him. I always will. We have another one, but my little Buddy will always have a special place in my heart.
You mentioned "with every relapse the anxiety and emotional pain gets worse. I'm sure many of you may be able to relate to that." Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I so vividly remember the last days of my drinking. By the grace of God, I never have to go to that dark place again.
That's really a great idea that you're going to attend an AA meeting. The program has kept me sober for 21 continuous years. I love my life now. I have a freedom that I never knew was possible. Good luck on your journey.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
See, TacoDude, there are no coincidences. You were supposed to be on here today and so was I!!! That's one reason my name on here is djlook. I used to say, Oh, Buddy, look, and that little boy would get so excited. He would go to his toy baskets, he had three, and he would take them out one at a time and throw them up in the air. His favorite one was his "little boy", and we kept that one. We also dearly love the rat terrier breed. The one we have now was a show dog. She's nine, and we kind of adopted her. She's mostly Decker terrier. The thing about the rat terriers is they're so expressive, smarter than most humans, I believe. I'm glad you still have Daisy. Buddy had a disease known as SARDS. There's not much known about it and there's no cure. I'm just so grateful he's not suffering anymore. My husband was with him the day we had to have him put to sleep, and that night my husband had a dream where buddy was standing in a big open field wagging his tail. That little boy came back to comfort my husband.
I also drank with impunity, it was fun for many years; no DUI, no loss of business, no jail, didn't lose a lot of things. If dignity, self-respect, self-confidence, and really my soul counts, then, yeah, I lost it all. In fact, the last year I owned by business - before I took off for a lot of geographical cures and became a daily drinker - I made more money than I ever had. I didn't get it either until the end when I was suffering so terribly and didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept comparing the amount I drank with other drinkers. What I did know was I wanted the mental suffering to stop and I couldn't find a way to stop hurting the ones who loved and cared about me the most. My dad quit for 15 years, started back, and died at 54. When he started back he tried some controlled drinking and that lasted two weeks. My brother, the same thing, at 53. My brother died drunk, run over by his own car, and at five o'clock in the morning his 18-year-old son found him, dead, cold, and alone. I started going to AA meetings to learn about the disease of alcoholism because most of my family had died from it. The more meetings I attended the more I identified with the feelings of hopelessness, bewilderment, and despair that an alcoholic suffers in the last days. My dad's family felt it was an embarrassment to the family to seek help and my brother's last words were, "but you don't understand." My disease is one that tells me I don't have it, and that scares the crap out of me. Fear didn't get me sober though and doesn't keep me sober today. I just got to the place where I didn't want to live that way anymore. And I don't have to live that way anymore.
I sincerely enjoyed our conversation about our little friends. It helped me a lot today. Thank you.
I also drank with impunity, it was fun for many years; no DUI, no loss of business, no jail, didn't lose a lot of things. If dignity, self-respect, self-confidence, and really my soul counts, then, yeah, I lost it all. In fact, the last year I owned by business - before I took off for a lot of geographical cures and became a daily drinker - I made more money than I ever had. I didn't get it either until the end when I was suffering so terribly and didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept comparing the amount I drank with other drinkers. What I did know was I wanted the mental suffering to stop and I couldn't find a way to stop hurting the ones who loved and cared about me the most. My dad quit for 15 years, started back, and died at 54. When he started back he tried some controlled drinking and that lasted two weeks. My brother, the same thing, at 53. My brother died drunk, run over by his own car, and at five o'clock in the morning his 18-year-old son found him, dead, cold, and alone. I started going to AA meetings to learn about the disease of alcoholism because most of my family had died from it. The more meetings I attended the more I identified with the feelings of hopelessness, bewilderment, and despair that an alcoholic suffers in the last days. My dad's family felt it was an embarrassment to the family to seek help and my brother's last words were, "but you don't understand." My disease is one that tells me I don't have it, and that scares the crap out of me. Fear didn't get me sober though and doesn't keep me sober today. I just got to the place where I didn't want to live that way anymore. And I don't have to live that way anymore.
I sincerely enjoyed our conversation about our little friends. It helped me a lot today. Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 80
I haven't been on here much, but was perusing this thread I started in 2019 - I will be three years sober, come March 25.
If someone told me 4 years ago I had made it 3 years sober, I never would have believed it possible. Miracles DO happen!
If someone told me 4 years ago I had made it 3 years sober, I never would have believed it possible. Miracles DO happen!
Congrats on three years sober! Woo hoo! 
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