Zevin

WhoDeyPl, I love this. "Sobriety is my biggest life accomplishment, and I'm proud."

NicLin

Wow, thanks so much for all of this insight!

I definitely am trying to see the urge as "separated"as I can. I have been studied self-awareness and mindfulness since January, it changed my entire perspective and even showed me that I had a problem. The voice that was always there has dislodged from who I am and I now fighting it daily. But I am proud as hell to have gotten to this point, even though it is hard.
I am also opening up little by little, I have always been emotionally closed off because of how I was raised and the things I had to do for my family, but I am finally beginning to show people who I truly am and with that, comes the admittance that I have this issue. I have let close friends and family know, and yes, while I have become a bit more isolated, I am still communicating and every single person I have told has been unbothered or fully excited for me. I hear "Good for you Nic" a lot. The best is working on this with my ex, who is very happy to see me getting somewhere.

Thank you each one of you for your advice, going on Day 2 tomorrow and didn't have any urges today, just a fleeting though but that got dealt with real quick.

August252015

That's great!

What about the program of recovery based action we've suggested? Some of those are tools you are starting to mention - I know that I spent a lot of time (pre-sobriety) reading about self-improvement, or my issues, or...when I got sober, and stayed that way, was when I needed others and support to deal with "them" - and gradually sort out what really were and weren't my key contributors to my drinking.

Focusing on the not drinking part in the first 30, 90 days is always the best thing you can do in a single day - learning not to push myself to "get all the answers" was really key. Even now if all I do today is stay sober, it's a win.

Stick with us.

WhoDeyPI

Thanks, Z. It's true. I've accomplished a lot of things in my life...but none were as hard as my sobriety, and none have taken more dedication. I know people close to me that didn't have the strength to stop. All the AA meetings, all the trips to rehab, they couldn't do it. I wish everyone could find a way to stop, a way that works for them. As for me, I've found my own path, and I have such a sense of pride that I've done so successfully. It's all about finding what works for you, and owning it.

tomsteve

1) When that urge hits you, how do you deal with it?
i let it be knowing this,too,shall pass. i knew it would eventually stop happening as long i i kept working on myself, and didnt drink even when my ass was falling off.


2) How did you explain to people (friends, acquaintances, new friends, etc) that you have an issue and absolutely cannot drink?

friends i didnt have to explain because once word got out that i was getting help those "friends" were gone. for everyone else, i didnt have to explain it. if they had a problem with it then they had a problem with it- it was only me that had to understand i had a problem with alcohol.

Rickh54

Nic Lin, congrats on your honesty firstly to yourself and secondly to this forum. It is a big step and be proud you jumped on the train.
This ride you are on never ends until your life does. You are the only one that can determine the journey.
I have been 5 years, 4.5 months sober and I am very thankful and proud of where I am today.
In the early days I cried alot. I was in morning for the death of my perceived best friend, Mr Booze. I was afraid and the urges were Mt. Everest to me. I was a heavy binge drinker for 45 years. Since about 14.
We started to have grandkids and they became my higher power. I never went to an AA meeting, rehab or any counseling. I have been successful so far leaning on the love from my wife and three kids and 4 grandsons. One more on the way in June. I decided that I was going to be at the high school grads over the next 20 years. And damn it, I will be.

You got this buddy. Hang in there and visit this site often. Great people here. You are not alone on this train ride.

Fearlessat50

Hi Niclin, lots of great responses here already so not sure I can add much.

I had countless relapses before my last quit on 1/21/17. There was something about the morning I woke up that day and I knew I would never drink again. I felt like crap from the physical withdrawals and emotional rollercoaster for a while. I went to therapy. But I didn’t have urges to drink again for a long time. . Over a year in, one day it hit me out of the blue. My biggest trigger, my son, started to go through another bad phase and I started to have lots of urges again. I dealt with it by coming back here and posting every time I had a craving. Just the act of coming here became a substitute for drinking. I talked myself out of it and got so much support from others. I went back to therapy for a time. I came up with things I could tell myself when I felt like drinking. The main two were (and still are): This too shall pass and “when things go wrong, don’t go with them”. Feelings and experiences always pass. Things go wrong in life whether we are sober or not, but drinking always makes the problem worse. I know both of these things from repeated experiences and relapsing.

I always felt stronger every time I passed up an urge. I rarely have urges lately. I will not let myself get complacent though. I still check in here often and plan to continue.

You will get stronger over time too, as long as you don’t give in and go back to the cycle. I promise!

Fearlessat50

About your other question, what did I tell people? My drinking problem was very secret, and I decided to keep my recovery that way as well. Somehow I hid my drinking so well that when I first tried to explain the problem to a friend, and even my husband as well, they were in disbelief. The friend said “ you are the last person in the world I would expect to have a problem.” This just caused me to rationalize my drinking and attempts at moderation in the beginning. My husband understands now. But I usually just tell other people alcohol doesn’t agree with me anymore. Most people don’t really care that much. I feel that people who are the most curious are either younger people or those who are questioning their own drinking. I’m in my 50’s now and find a lot of people are giving up alcohol for a lot of reasons, including health in general. I figure what’s the big deal. I gave up gluten, birthday cake and processed sugar too

NicLin

Thanks everyone, it means so much to hear your thoughts.

I am back to Day 1 and I hope I can keep it up. Feeling hopeful again and positive. This last urge came as i was working out, haha what a way to get him. I ran 5 miles, was feeling so good and strong and was still having the internal battle in my head. I caved but am starting to be able to look at the thoughts as though they are not ME, which I know is a step in the right direction. Before I wouldn't even think twice.
In regards to friends, one of my best friends kind of upset me yesterday which might have been one of my "excuses". Since I told her about my issue, we haven't been hanging as much, mostly because of me (I have been babysitting a lot). But I also don't feel like she is making an effort to be there for me. She even invited me out to a CLUB yesterday and insensitively offered that I take Adderall to have "sober" fun. I think she's just ignorant but it upset me. But on a good side, one of my heaviest drinking buddies, my old Somm, just found out from me that I am not drinking anymore and he invited me on Saturday for a gym/beach day. That one surprised me and I am very grateful.

Going to keep this momentum going. Thanks everyone!

August252015

Morning Nic....I cannot repeat myself enough...having a plan that focuses on sobriety is critical. And if it doesn't sit right with you to think about "never being with friends" "not having fun" etc in the forever sense, perhaps framing it as I'm choosing not to do all that NOW, and I'll focus on my sobriety; I can sort out friend stuff later.

I PROMISE you it will get clearer and better and you can absolutely find friends - but you have to get sober first. That must be about you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

If everyone on SR told me it was ok to take my time, figure out my whys and then plan to get sober...well, that would be crappy advice - and advice my alcoholic brain would have been happy to hear while I was still drinking.

Instead, everyone here (and IRL via AA and the multiple online sources, my psych, everywhere I choose to participate and spend time) tells me that deciding to be sober is the critical piece to do FIRST. Then put a foundation of steps to stay that way under it.

I hope you will reread folks comments and decide that you want to be sober. You don't have to keep having day ones.

nmd

Lots of good ideas here.

For #1, I find t better if i just *avoid* situations that cause urges in the first place early on. Dealing with urges is my second level of defence. Specifically though, i first focus on managing my HALT symptoms, then maybe ill just go to bed, or go for a walk. Urge surfing or playing the tape forward in tough situations.

Ill be equally evasive for #2, you dont owe anyone an explaination! I find some people dont reallly want an explaination, they want me to drink for whatever reason. I dont find having a conversation in that context worthwhile, so ive learned to change the subject. (And i dont hang out with them any more for the most part) Ive also learned that most people dont get "it" and never will. I will never go back to drinking and my actions speak loud enough,. other people can figure that out on theor own

MyLittleHorsie

When the urge hits, sometimes I laugh at it. Use the concept of playing the tape.

I don't explain why I don't drink. I have maybe said it doesn't agree with me a couple times to close friends.

Your recovery is no business of anyone but yourself.

Fearlessat50

Hi Niclin, I’m glad you posted an update. I think it’s important to figure out a long term plan for sobriety. In the beginning, the remembrance of your last bad drunk and a starting awareness of a problem is motivation enough to stay stopped. But this won’t last forever without lasting change. I was caught up in the cycle of sober- relapse -repeat every 2-6 weeks until I worked really hard at changing my inner core. I went to therapy, started practicing meditation, yoga, exercise and new thoughts, behaviors and habits. I am not the same person I used to be. I do not have the urges I used to have (though they can creep up when I least expect). My sobriety is like a religion. It’s also like a sober muscle. I have to practice it and exercise every day. It is a life long journey. It’s not easy sometimes, especially in the beginning. But it is well worth the effort. My life is much better now.

You may find that you need some distance from your old drinking buds for a while. Maybe forever. They will not understand your experience unless they go through it themselves. Some of my drinking friends are back in my life, but not to the same degree. For the most part, they are all a mess, and they continue down a progressive destructive path. A couple have told me that I have inspired them to stop drinking. They never get far though. It is sad to watch.