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Rethinking my posts about social situations

Old 03-26-2019, 12:15 AM
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Rethinking my posts about social situations

My work sent me to a two day long meeting in another state (one I’d not spent time in before). The meeting was with “associates” and my role there was as a representative. The people there were heavy drinkers, as it turned out.

I just got back. I’m pretty exhausted but also so happy to be home, and I slept on the plane so I’m up for awhile, reflecting and winding down.

It’s been a long time since I got peer pressure like I did at this meeting. In fact, I may have never gotten it like this. At some point very early in the meeting someone made like the tenth reference to plans for drinking after the day one meeting, directed at me, (remember I’m the new person) and I spoke up to all seven people at the table and said “so full disclosure, I don’t drink, but I also won’t judge. I needed to just put that out there.” I couldn’t believe the responses. Aside from two people, the room turned to an uproar. “What?! Oh you mean for lent? Tell me it’s for lent and I can respect that but anything else and I’m gonna say we can’t work with you.” And more.

I thought it was so ridiculous that it didn’t bother me - in the sense that it certainly didn’t inspire any second thoughts. But it would have been really difficult in early sobriety. It made me rethink some of my posts here about social pressures. I’d never seen adults acting like this before. I had just met these people and wanted - needed - to make a good impression for work.

I’m glad I did the work of making sobriety the most important thing in my life. I want to amend my other posts to people over the past couple years. I’d said at least a few times that people don’t care, and while I still think that’s true, I saw that they really don’t always act that way. I heard commentary so many times for the rest of the two days about my not drinking. They never said “are you in recovery” but they did ask me if I didn’t drink because I didn’t like it, or if I ever had, did I have a medical condition, etc. Not in a gentle way, but in an adversarial way. They all knew each other and I had just met them.

They had their (hard) booze at dinner and kept telling me about the drinks at the hotel bar and how great they were. I gently reminded that I don’t drink after a few times. The response was unapologetic.

It pissed me off a little, frankly. I can’t believe that adults in a work setting really act like this. My future advice to people in early recovery trying to navigate these situations is hereonin “don’t go. Just don’t go.”
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Old 03-26-2019, 12:47 AM
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Sadly people are judgemental, we can pretend all we want that they aren't but most are to some degree or another.

I have found that for me I never make a point of not drinking. If I am asked to go out with work colleagues and I want to go or need to go for networking reasons I just go and order a non alcoholic drink and say nothing. If I am going for a meal I don't make a point of telling everyone that I won't be ordering anything with nuts in it or won't eat certain types of food for ethical reasons, I just order what I want and don't mention it. It's no-one elses business, if I make it a statement people will want to discuss it. I think also making a point out of it puts some kind of importance on alcohol, when it is just not important at all. The statement gives it power and a voice and a presence, and alcohol has no voice, power or presence in my life anymore and I won't give it the stage. In the stage play of my life alcohol has no part to play, it has no lines to read and that is the way it is going to stay!

Glad you got through it and thanks for the post.

xx
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Old 03-26-2019, 01:58 AM
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Thanks for your post, I am new to this and wondering how I will be in social settings. I like Manta's "say nothing" suggestion, it really isn't anyone's business how you live your life.
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Old 03-26-2019, 01:59 AM
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Just an observation but I also think the language that we use when talking to people not in recovery is very important too. When you mentioned the “I won’t judge you” part of your response I did recoil a little. I think that this was a negative reaction to you feeling judged so something you need to work on and not let people make you feel that way. Also it kind of says or comes across as “what I think you are doing is wrong but I won’t hold it against you” or “whilst you are judging me I am not going to judge you because I am a better person than you are”. That would get my back up. Just an observation though. xx
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Old 03-26-2019, 02:11 AM
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I think the OP's experience shows that in certain social circles drinking is expected. Their attitude towards him as a non-drinker was awful. I do not associate with folks who behave in that manner any more. In the OP's case it was unavoidable since he was sent there for his job. But to use one bad situation to make a blanket recommendation for everyone in early sobriety to avoid all events that include alcohol?

I went to some social events where alcohol was served early in my sobriety. But never encountered anything like the OP's experience. At the events I chose to attend the people who drank did so in a responsible manner. There were other non-drinkers there too.

I also avoided other social events where alcohol was served. That's because I knew the type of folks that were attending the events were mostly heavy drinkers. No thanks! I passed.

So I guess for me I was selective. There were certainly alcohol events that I avoided and there were ones I attended. YMMV.
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Old 03-26-2019, 03:01 AM
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I'm sorry Bexxed - sounds like there's a lot of 'away from home drinking' going on.

I'm glad that my life is pretty regimented and the only static I get is from musos who don't know me.

Like you I couldn't give two hoots what people think and the whole scene sounds ridiculous - but it's still a pain in the butt to have to deal with from 'adult' type people.

D
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Old 03-26-2019, 04:01 AM
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Glad you are sharing bexxed. And if only bc it makes my life simpler, that "just don't go" thing you closed with is always a good option for me. That can mean just not staying after dinner or for the wedding reception etc if it is something (like a work trip) that I need to attend.

Keep going! And- we get it
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Old 03-26-2019, 07:32 AM
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While I agree with the responses here, I just wanted to say one additional thing about this situation based on my experiences. Participants here are focused on alcohol and related issues, of course, but this behavior is also down right unprofessional. I’m not sure if it is getting worse, but I have been shocked in recent years how colleagues will express themselves in work settings. From “I need a drink!” comments to outright yelling, f-bombs, etc. when they don’t agree with other viewpoints being expressed, I’ve wondered recently where self-control and professionalism has gone.

There has been media focus on the need for civil discourse on social media, but it seems the same no-holds-barred is spilling into face to face interactions, even when the situation calls for something completely different. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all behave and live and let live? I guess I’ll take my pollyannaish hopes back to my corner.

Bexxed, congrats on navigating interactions with such difficult and obnoxious folks.

-bora
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Old 03-26-2019, 07:33 AM
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It says much more about the folks badgering you, than it does you. People that can't respect another adults decisions are not very well adjusted or just weren't raised right.
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Old 03-26-2019, 07:48 AM
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There isn't much I like about living in a conservative area of the US but I have to admit that the positive view of not drinking is one of them I do like. Being a drunk where I live will get you the looks. Not to mention in a business setting....called in for a conversation with HR.

I'm pretty grateful for that one. Sorry they were rude about it bexxed.

Come to think of it...in my 45 years of working, I have never once seen anyone fired from their job for not drinking but I have seen plenty because of it. Including me.
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Old 03-26-2019, 08:27 PM
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Thanks for reading. I was a little floored last night, when finally home and reflecting. I’ve moved on, and am taking it as a nice lesson that I really don’t know everything and should listen more on here when people express themselves. Not everything fits in a box, but the bottom line is, do what you need to do to protect your sobriety. In that situation for me, I needed to let people know and it was the right thing at that time to do it the way I did. For me it was more about managing expectations when it became clear that drinking was going to be one and that needed to be shut down.


Originally Posted by 360shoes View Post
There isn't much I like about living in a conservative area of the US but I have to admit that the positive view of not drinking is one of them I do like. Being a drunk where I live will get you the looks. Not to mention in a business setting....called in for a conversation with HR.

I'm pretty grateful for that one. Sorry they were rude about it bexxed.

Come to think of it...in my 45 years of working, I have never once seen anyone fired from their job for not drinking but I have seen plenty because of it. Including me.

You know what’s weird? This took place in Mississippi. Arguably one of the most conservative places in the US. Go figure. I don’t live there, I’d just traveled there for this meeting. Thanks though, and agreed.


I don’t judge the folks that did this, because they are on their paths, and in fact I’m now grateful because I learned something and hopefully it will help me to better get out of my own understanding of how things can transpire, so I can better listen when others who are maybe more vulnerable than I am are expressing concern about dealing with these kinds of situations.

xoxo-b
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Old 03-26-2019, 09:24 PM
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I just returned from a business trip as well. During several meeting breaks, the conversation turned to food and how they couldn't wait to go the steakhouse of a well known celebrity chef after the meeting and have steak this, red meat that, etc. etc. etc.

Just playing devil's advocate here, but I wonder what the reaction would have been if I said "so full disclosure, I don’t eat meat, but I also won’t judge. I needed to just put that out there".

I can well imagine it would have created a divide between myself and the other people in the room...and to what purpose? Could also have been possibly viewed as coming from a "better than" attitude. Not saying that is the case at all, but it could have been viewed that way.

Now for full disclosure...I am actually an omnivore...I eat anything and everything, but just trying see the situation from a slightly different perspective. Trying to wear the other guy's shoes, so to speak.
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Old 03-26-2019, 10:06 PM
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I'm a life long vegetarian (I was born that way. Seriously!) and haven't ever had anyone give me a weird time about it.
I think the way Bex handled it was perfect.
But that's an interesting way to look at it, nez. NOTHING anybody would say or do could convince me to eat meat but alcohol.....hmmmm....

Great topic and glad you stayed strong Bexxed.
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Old 03-26-2019, 11:45 PM
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I have just returned from a week long trip – not business- just pleasure. The people we went to visit are completely into the wine scene and culture – they are one of the best wine producers in our country.

We had a holiday with them in July last year – away from home for all of us – in Brittany. The amount of wine consumed was frightening ( I was still drinking then) , BUT … it was all done in a “wine culture” way. Like if you are drinking very expensive wine – it can’t be seen as imbibing . It doesn’t count, or put you out there with other wino’s .

So, we were going to see them again, about 2 months into my recovery and my husband – bless him – declined. He said he didn’t think it would be fair on me. This last week , (I am now 7 months sober) , it was like a reunion. Again centered around wonderful meals and conversations around the table . These people are very close to my heart , I love them dearly. Their newest wine was brought to the table ( it hasn’t been distributed yet, not available in the stores yet) and I had to pass. Even though they are very dear to me, and I believe I am to them too, I got the distinct feeling of them closing up a little towards me when I declined the wine.

I don’t think they meant to make me feel uncomfortable , and no big scene was made, but it’s nearly like those sayings … “never trust a person who ….” and in this case “who doesn’t drink”. It is so very much part of their culture – high flyers, very wealthy people - I don’t think they even see alcoholism as a “thing”. They all drink , it’s just what they do , every day, part of their lives.

I agree that these get togethers all have one thing in common – the expectation of drinking. Socialising without drinking is not part of their mindset , and I think they find it odd, more than anything else. Just odd. I had a wonderful time, never went to bed before they did , and really never judged them even for one second as they began slurring their words and repeating their stories. They got louder and louder ( but so did I , otherwise I wouldn’t have been heard) . And I proved to myself that I can do this.And enjoy it !! I had a huge pang once – when they brought out the new cultivar for us to taste – but I managed to get through it .

Looking back on the week spent with them, it is with fondness. I know that I didn’t put a damper on anything , they definitely didn’t hold back because of me not drinking, but I can only hope that it doesn’t change the dynamics of our friendship. It’s one thing to say “I don’t care what anyone thinks” but another thing if they are people in my life who mean so much to me and who I don’t want to lose. Nothing… nothing will make me pick up again, and I can only hope that they don’t see me any different now just because I’m not drinking.
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Old 03-27-2019, 12:01 AM
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I'm in a somewhat strange position of running a conference where there is going to be a cocktail hour that I had to arrange for the catering, including getting the bar service included. I didn't think twice about filling out the form to get the approval for alcohol to be served, but I have thought about what to do during the hour when people will be having their drinks. Now, this isn't likely to be a big drinking bash, but I am planning on excusing myself after one soda to attend to making sure things are set up for the speakers who will be giving their presentations following people having had their dinner. I may end up putting coupons for one free drink into the arrival bags for our participants, but I will be abstaining for sure.
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Old 03-27-2019, 12:14 AM
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I’ve really enjoyed this thread. I posted a while back about Friday nights, and I still find it hard as my colleagues and friends just go out and get smashed. Normal Friday in city of London for many people. I had to have a meeting with my boss the other day on a Friday late afternoon and he took me to a pub. I didn’t have the courage to say no but I risked my sobriety that evening. I bought four bottles of non-alcoholic beer at the bar and downed them. No idea why. It did make me feel better weirdly, but I was angry I was in that situation. At myself, and at him.
What I have realised though, after doing a lot of self reflection following that tense evening, is that I can’t expect people to understand it. I have been honest with my boss now (so pubs are off the venue!), but it just made me realise that I was unfairly judging him as he has no idea. And even when I told him I’m an alcoholic he still doesn’t understand what that actually means. Now I’ve vowed that if ever put in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable I’ll just make my excuses and leave. It’s not anyone’s fault, just is what it is. I’m so grateful to be alive today, and so grateful to be sober.
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Old 03-27-2019, 12:55 AM
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^^^
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:32 AM
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Thanks for posting, bexxed! I would have been shocked at their reactions, too, definitely on the boorish end of the spectrum. It's funny the sort of things folks have trouble dealing with.
Slightly tangential to your topic, but thought I'd throw it in here for a giggle.
Years ago I was on the phone with a client in another state. She was asking me about all sorts of TV shows she enjoyed. When I told her I didn't watch TV (I was an early cable cutter back in the day) there was this really long pause, then she said "Oh, um.. are you Amish?"
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Old 03-27-2019, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Lascaux View Post
Years ago I was on the phone with a client in another state. She was asking me about all sorts of TV shows she enjoyed. When I told her I didn't watch TV (I was an early cable cutter back in the day) there was this really long pause, then she said "Oh, um.. are you Amish?"
Oh, that’s funny.
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Old 03-27-2019, 08:01 AM
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Thank you for this post...I have gotten odd responses in everyday life regarding drinking.

I have told a new friend 3 times that I don't drink, on the third time I explained how I'm disgusted by the awful effects of alcohol in society.

The last time I saw her she described in detail her last cocktail hour, the drinks were made of basil, vodka..blah, blah, blah.

She stated very matter of fact that we should try some of these cocktails very soon!! WTF?? Ummm, I told you 3 times, I DON'T DRINK!

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