Elliehope

My Fiancé of 7yrs has decided that he’s had enough and wants to end the relationship. Although this may be a blessing in disguise I’m heartbroken. After having gone through absolute torture, with trying to cope with his anger and mood swings because of the amount he drinks every night. In the beginning I could see that underneath the problems there is a gorgeous, handsome, funny man, so felt it was worth fighting for. He is a high-functioning alcoholic, who refuses to see there is a problem. I don’t want the relationship to end because when it’s good, it’s amazing but he’s now blaming me for, well everything. I have no choice but to let him go, it’s his decision after all. I am strong but this is killing me.

His two children are both adults now and they have no idea about the extent of his problem. His brother also drinks heavily and he doesn’t really have any friends he can speak to.

I want to help him but he just won’t let me. I just want him to see how amazing he is and get better but I can’t understand what’s going on in his head and have no idea of where to start. I don’t want to give up on him.

decchemist

Hello Ellie, welcome to sober recovery and sorry for what brings you here.

Unfortunately, unless an alcoholic wants to quit drinking there is nothing that anyone can do to help them. Rest assured that none of this is your fault. If and when your alcoholic decides to get sober then he will realise with regret what he has put you through.

Please look at the friends and family section of the website as you will find lots of help from those in your situation.

Look after yourself.

ReadyAtLast

As I once read on here - when people show you who they really are, believe them.

Believe what this man is telling you.

You can't help or look after anyone else if they don't want it. Focus on looking after yourself.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry for what brings you here. I live with an alcoholic and relate to what you share.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

I link the area of this wonderful site that may be of best help to you, as mentioned by decchemist in above post.

Take care

Finalround

Sorry for your pain but this ^ is not up to you.

I think you would also find more support in the friends and family section here.

I also feel "fiancé of 7 years" is a bit telling. For your sake, best to move on.

least

It seems best that you let him go and move on with your life.

fini

Ellie, he IS worth fighting for. of course. by himself and for himself.
it's not a fight you can do FOR him.

YOU are also worth fighting for: worth a life without the torture you describe, worth a life with peace within yourself and your relationships, worth everything good you wish for him.

please look after yourself.

Elliehope

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my post. I appreciate everything you have said. By way of update, he has now changed his mind and it’s like nothing has happened. Your comments however have helped to give me the strength to realise that this is also my decision to make and I have to really look inside myself to figure out if I can do this any more.

I will also check out the friends and family forum as suggested.

Thank you again.

ReadyAtLast

This is solely YOUR decision. Why would you want to be with a man who hurts you, blames you and in your own words mentally tortures you.

By staying with him that is not showing support but weakness and a lack of self respect, dignity and self worth. He is abusive to you, ends your relationship and then picks you back up again and says he wants you back. If you do not value yourself or have self respect he doesn't need to respect you either.

This is not a loving, stable, partnership. I have been there although and even now cringe at my weakness and lack of self respect. He picked me up and dropped me whenever he wanted and because the good times were great I lapped up any bits of him he was willing to throw me. some men (and women) are just abusive manipulators, with or without alcohol.

kinzoku

I agree that you should let him go.

His decision to get sober as well as to treat you right as a human being needs to come from inside. You can't make it happen with all the will in the world.

I'm sorry.

suki44883

We teach people how to treat us. If you allow him to do these things over and over and then take him back, he will have no respect for you. At least have enough respect for yourself to tell him you are done...and then BE done!

Mango212

What's helped me greatly:

Attending Al-Anon & getting a sponsor.
http://www.al-anon.org/

Eat well.

Travel often.


These things help me nourish and take care of myself while enjoying the day at hand.

tomsteve

reads like youve been wrapped up in him for some time and lost yourself. also reads like he realized he liked it better with someone to blame in his life.
After having gone through absolute torture, with trying to cope with his anger and mood swings because of the amount he drinks every night.

do you want that in your life?
do you deserve that treatment?(no)
where do you see yourself in a year?
where do you want to see yourself in a year?

Anna

Ellie, I hope that you find some peace.

Elliehope

Thank you. It was VERY hard to read your messages BUT you are all right!

Nothing will change unless I make a stand. Yesterday, he made a real effort doing jobs around the place and being the lovely side of him, which is the one I'm holding onto. But, I went to bed exhausted last night and after seeing all the empty cans this morning, I realise I don't want this. I'm tired of walking on egg shells and, yes, I have lost myself in all of this.

It will be hard as I deeply love the man he could be but I've got to realise that that is not the man he is now and I need to be with someone who I can be me with, not a censored version of me because I'm worried that what I say or doing is going to be wrong all the time.

I have found a counselling centre just round the corner from where I work and will book in with them to help get my head straight and in the meantime tell him that I've had enough. That will be hard as he doesn't see he's got a problem with it, but I know that I do have a problem because of it.

Thank you all, this forum is a God send, I'm so pleased that I stumbled across it.

tomsteve

its not easy to admit the truth but it will help you tremendously. without that, theres not much chance lf wanting to change and putting in the footwork to change. its awesome to read ya getting support!
plus, God surely doesnt think you deserve to live this way-He wants ya to be happy and free.

some things to remember:
his actions are NOT a reflection of who you truly are.
on HIS drinking and problems:
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it