sydneyman

Day 133..Life is a lot better. Now I can see the damage, the hurt I caused in my most active addiction. I need to gain the trust back from the people I threw away and were rude to. Most importantly from my sister.
To me addiction is a state of being extremely selfish. It is all about getting that drink. I didn't care how it affected people around me, my loved ones, friends or even my neighbours. I didn't care if I called in sick from work. I didn't see how it affected my colleagues, my position in the company itself, I simply didn't care at all. Alcohol/drugs just blinded me and it was all I cared for. As long as I got my hit I was in nirvana and happy. I created this illusion in my head when drunk that my life was fine. Then the come down and reality hit. **** what have I done, I had called in sick again, **** how can I face all the people at work etc..So I worked myself into a frenzy and to relieve that frenzy the cycle started again. Call in sick again as I was drinking, I isolate and just drink drink and drink. All that mattered was to get hammered. Numb myself until a blackout.
I have decided to spend an extra long Easter break in Europe and go and visit my sister and stay with her. She is well aware of my sobriety and my recovery journey and the issues I have been facing over the years. I want to amend things with her. I have been pretty awful to her verbally in my drunken states several times. I can feel some hesitation/tension in her. She said she had never spent anytime with me sober since our teens when we lived at home with our parents. That really really hit home and my heart sank. I am her brother after all.
The clarity that sobriety brings is fantastic and also scary at the same time. All these "firsts" experiences sober can be daunting but so rewarding at the same time. Small victories really. I have no desire to go back to my old life again. The gains are so humongous and I am not willing to give this up. I have NEVER been clean this long ever. When I hear people say that it gets easier as time goes by it really seems that it does. I have embraced this chapter of my new life with open arms. My whole life and lifestyle has changed. All for the better. I miss nothing at all. Life is wonderful and sobriety has given me my life back. Now I need to gain the trust back from people I unintentionally hurt when I wasn't myself. Rant over..

Snowydelrico

Fantastic work!
Just keep chipping away with the right actions you’re really gathering good momentum now.
More goodies ahead.
Seems to happen like binary fission

Anna

Great post! I think it's so important to know that early recovery involves a lot of change.

sydneyman

So much change..What was so normal for decades takes time to change. I love the joy of self discovery. Every day brings something, sometimes not so good but mostly great things. Just appreciating the smallest things in sobriety. I can now make an appointment at anytime of the day. I don't need to do it first thing in the mornings anymore. I am calm, logical and pleasant to people around me. I think I am living a "normal" life again and its priceless.

SoberLeigh

Love your post, Sydneyman.

Very good to see you.

sydneyman

How have you been??!!