Time to embrace the suck
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Time to embrace the suck
Since I wrote the thread in hell, I've stopped and started several times. I was able to get 24 hours in bed at the weekend after doing a couple of all nighters. I cannot seem to get to bed when I get going. I'm not comfortable in this place and the living arrangement is sending me into a bit of a tails-pain.
Still living with my loving, loyal wife but we are going our separate ways in a few months. Anywhere between 6 and 10 months she is going. We are parting on good terms and trying to leave each other in a relatively ok position. Meanwhile we are still together living as a couple. Which is a little weird. She needs to get an operation and when she has that taken care of and all is well she will go back to her home town and stay with her family. A little strange living as a relatively loving couple but with a future separation that on the horizon.
After the initial 24 hour rest I had to work a twelve hour shift. Got through it but it wasn't easy, splitting headaches coming to the end and very disorientated. I gave in to a cigarette and kind of got it into my head that a drink would cure the brain ache and I would wind down/taper or some crap like that. Add to all that and we have to move. She will be making the move with me before going. No luck finding anywhere as I have odd shifts and am suffering with insomnia. Of course thinking drink would aid sleep but it just made me more alert. Thinking thinking thinking. In limbo.
I think I'm avoiding the suck. Avoiding the initial suffering. Her disappointment cuts through me and I isolate and get on edge. looking for a doc's appointment. Probably didn't help that the Father was hospitalized again. He's been sick for a while and we are kind of waiting. I could do without a funeral before moving.
I suck in this moment.
Still living with my loving, loyal wife but we are going our separate ways in a few months. Anywhere between 6 and 10 months she is going. We are parting on good terms and trying to leave each other in a relatively ok position. Meanwhile we are still together living as a couple. Which is a little weird. She needs to get an operation and when she has that taken care of and all is well she will go back to her home town and stay with her family. A little strange living as a relatively loving couple but with a future separation that on the horizon.
After the initial 24 hour rest I had to work a twelve hour shift. Got through it but it wasn't easy, splitting headaches coming to the end and very disorientated. I gave in to a cigarette and kind of got it into my head that a drink would cure the brain ache and I would wind down/taper or some crap like that. Add to all that and we have to move. She will be making the move with me before going. No luck finding anywhere as I have odd shifts and am suffering with insomnia. Of course thinking drink would aid sleep but it just made me more alert. Thinking thinking thinking. In limbo.
I think I'm avoiding the suck. Avoiding the initial suffering. Her disappointment cuts through me and I isolate and get on edge. looking for a doc's appointment. Probably didn't help that the Father was hospitalized again. He's been sick for a while and we are kind of waiting. I could do without a funeral before moving.
I suck in this moment.
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Another stupid "excuse" or "reason" that keeps popping into my mind and making it hard to let go is that I have convinced myself that I have done permanent damage to my health. Convinced I have several life threatening illnesses and thorn between embrace with dignity and sobriety or speed up the process if it turns out to be a life ending illness.
The sensible thing to do with be to go and get a complete check up (although I did try in December or January and she told me it was too soon between the last one and for what reason.......suppose I didn't really want to divulge as she wasn't taking me serious). I have some debt and accounts to clear up and I fear that if I got bad news it would send me into a tail spin of self sabotage and I wouldn't clear the unfinished business/accounts that I must. I would prefer to have a clean slate.
The monkey is having a field day swinging through my mind lately. Everything but Stoic.
The sensible thing to do with be to go and get a complete check up (although I did try in December or January and she told me it was too soon between the last one and for what reason.......suppose I didn't really want to divulge as she wasn't taking me serious). I have some debt and accounts to clear up and I fear that if I got bad news it would send me into a tail spin of self sabotage and I wouldn't clear the unfinished business/accounts that I must. I would prefer to have a clean slate.
The monkey is having a field day swinging through my mind lately. Everything but Stoic.
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
The temporary discomfort is worth it Epictetus -go for it 
_
_She's not able to control her reaction to me and I sadly cannot seem to not let it affect me and I allow it to send me into a destructive cycle. Vengeful, resentful and destructive.
The worse was the first one or two cleared my headache and embraced like the warm hug that I needed. Replacing intimacy. My demands are too much for her and add to that her illness and the lack is having a detrimental affect on my soul. Which sucks being dependent like that. I acted on the thoughts tonight but instead of working out the way I thought it might I almost got mugged instead.
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Originally Posted by Epictetus
Thanks Dee. I've got to. This is not sustainable.
She's not able to control her reaction to me and I sadly cannot seem to not let it affect me and I allow it to send me into a destructive cycle. Vengeful, resentful and destructive.
The worse was the first one or two cleared my headache and embraced like the warm hug that I needed. Replacing intimacy. My demands are too much for her and add to that her illness and the lack is having a detrimental affect on my soul. Which sucks being dependent like that. I acted on the thoughts tonight but instead of working out the way I thought it might I almost got mugged instead.
She's not able to control her reaction to me and I sadly cannot seem to not let it affect me and I allow it to send me into a destructive cycle. Vengeful, resentful and destructive.
The worse was the first one or two cleared my headache and embraced like the warm hug that I needed. Replacing intimacy. My demands are too much for her and add to that her illness and the lack is having a detrimental affect on my soul. Which sucks being dependent like that. I acted on the thoughts tonight but instead of working out the way I thought it might I almost got mugged instead.
I treated it as if I needed to heal from an illness. The first day I was at work, because I didn’t plan to quit: my sobriety chose the date. I can’t just call off work, so I did work, and I think I worked another day in there somewhere. But at some point the fatigue, headaches, spiritual distress, disorientation, out of body feelings, anxiety etc hit me, and I cut back on work to deal with my new sobriety.
Then I cut back on all stress to just get sober, for months. I did nothing but rest, eat, drink water, and post on SR. If anything demanding came up, I tried to get out of it.
I couldn’t think well for awhile so I cut back on work, I cut back on making important decisions, I cut back on parenting and my eldest daughter helped pick up the slack.
I was doing what I hadn’t planned to do so I had to make a ton of life adjustments to fit my new priority, which was sobriety.
Your sobriety is more important than anything else, so try to work less, try to spend less time around your wife, go to your bedroom and when she comes around tell her you need rest and privacy. Just post here. Or attend recovery groups, or read books on alcoholism.
Just do sobriety. It works great that way. In the beginning, it is an enormous amount of mental work: just fighting off the addiction all day and night, and physical work; your body healing the damage from drinking. I’m glad I could put it first until I felt calm and productive enough to move forward a bit. I still felt “thrown into life” for a long time but I couldn’t put off work and family forever, so I just kept it all to a bare minimum.
The stress you feel right now will be ten times worse when you are in the early stages of healing from alcoholism, so give yourself the space and time to do the most important thing you can possibly do for yourself, and ultimately everyone else, in your life.
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
The first week of sobriety is tough. It’s like you’ve contracted the flu. You’ll feel anxious and sick, unable to rest, yet unable to be fully alert.
I treated it as if I needed to heal from an illness. The first day I was at work, because I didn’t plan to quit: my sobriety chose the date. I can’t just call off work, so I did work, and I think I worked another day in there somewhere. But at some point the fatigue, headaches, spiritual distress, disorientation, out of body feelings, anxiety etc hit me, and I cut back on work to deal with my new sobriety.
Then I cut back on all stress to just get sober, for months. I did nothing but rest, eat, drink water, and post on SR. If anything demanding came up, I tried to get out of it.
I couldn’t think well for awhile so I cut back on work, I cut back on making important decisions, I cut back on parenting and my eldest daughter helped pick up the slack.
I was doing what I hadn’t planned to do so I had to make a ton of life adjustments to fit my new priority, which was sobriety.
Your sobriety is more important than anything else, so try to work less, try to spend less time around your wife, go to your bedroom and when she comes around tell her you need rest and privacy. Just post here. Or attend recovery groups, or read books on alcoholism.
Just do sobriety. It works great that way. In the beginning, it is an enormous amount of mental work: just fighting off the addiction all day and night, and physical work; your body healing the damage from drinking. I’m glad I could put it first until I felt calm and productive enough to move forward a bit. I still felt “thrown into life” for a long time but I couldn’t put off work and family forever, so I just kept it all to a bare minimum.
The stress you feel right now will be ten times worse when you are in the early stages of healing from alcoholism, so give yourself the space and time to do the most important thing you can possibly do for yourself, and ultimately everyone else, in your life.
I treated it as if I needed to heal from an illness. The first day I was at work, because I didn’t plan to quit: my sobriety chose the date. I can’t just call off work, so I did work, and I think I worked another day in there somewhere. But at some point the fatigue, headaches, spiritual distress, disorientation, out of body feelings, anxiety etc hit me, and I cut back on work to deal with my new sobriety.
Then I cut back on all stress to just get sober, for months. I did nothing but rest, eat, drink water, and post on SR. If anything demanding came up, I tried to get out of it.
I couldn’t think well for awhile so I cut back on work, I cut back on making important decisions, I cut back on parenting and my eldest daughter helped pick up the slack.
I was doing what I hadn’t planned to do so I had to make a ton of life adjustments to fit my new priority, which was sobriety.
Your sobriety is more important than anything else, so try to work less, try to spend less time around your wife, go to your bedroom and when she comes around tell her you need rest and privacy. Just post here. Or attend recovery groups, or read books on alcoholism.
Just do sobriety. It works great that way. In the beginning, it is an enormous amount of mental work: just fighting off the addiction all day and night, and physical work; your body healing the damage from drinking. I’m glad I could put it first until I felt calm and productive enough to move forward a bit. I still felt “thrown into life” for a long time but I couldn’t put off work and family forever, so I just kept it all to a bare minimum.
The stress you feel right now will be ten times worse when you are in the early stages of healing from alcoholism, so give yourself the space and time to do the most important thing you can possibly do for yourself, and ultimately everyone else, in your life.
I agree it is recovering from being mentally and physically ill and worn out. The longest periods of sober time I've managed in life did stem from a beginning of three days in bed (with librium) and I feel that is what I need. Rest, rest and rest.
One of the jobs I have has turned into a bit of a toxic environment. Small place short term contract thankfully, but I have two female colleagues working in tandem on giving me the very obvious cold shoulder. One is the boss's daughter (to her mother's credit she has said to me that she is very stubborn and has a temper) and her favored method of communication is passive aggressiveness. If I go over the time when she deems that everyone should be gone as she needs to go and has to lock up....instead of asking how long I'll be, she'll simply open every door in the place including the main door. at night. in winter. I had the gaul to ask her if she thought it was reasonable to have the door open while I'm still working (ten minutes to wrap up what I was doing) as the cold of the night was getting in. She flipped and declared that we keep out of each other's way from now on!!! She is only early twenties, so that's just where she is in life, but her partner in crime is a woman in her fifties.......trying not to let it bother me, but the atmosphere is pretty abysmal.
The wife thinks I should quit especially as I feel like drinking and smoking the minute I've finished.
Doc's appointment made.
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