Here I am again ... tail between my legs ...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,963
Hi DS, I am sorry what you are going through. That is a lot! I have a son with Aspbergers but he is high functioning, unlike your severely autistic boy. I really just can’t imagine all of this since an also have a supportive husband and stable job. But no matter how bad it is, you know there is a better way than drinking away your problems. It will just make everything worse.
My son went through a very bad phase. The first several years of his life actually. There was a time we considered institutionalizing. I was sure my marriage would end. I was constantly drunk or hung over. I honestly don’t know how I kept my job during that time. Things are a million times better in my life now. I can’t say all of it is due to quitting drinking because things happen for better or worse without our control. Sometimes it’s good or bad luck. But I can say for certain once I was 100% sober I was able to be fully present for my son and get him help. My relationship with him improved. My relationship with my husband improved. Most importantly my relationship with myself improved and I developed the confidence to handle things sober.
I understand the urge to drink for instant relief. I’ve been there so many times. But I had to learn to sit with my feelings, however bad they were, and remind myself this will pass. I had to accept the idea that I can not control everything, but I must take charge of what I can. I had to seek help for so many things all at once, my drinking, my son, parenting special needs. In a lot of ways, I know I am very lucky because of supportive people in my life.
I know things would have been worse had I kept drinking
Would you consider going back to AA, even if just online? I imagine therapy might be out of the question without a job at the moment. But are there resources in your community to help? Also, having a parent support group is important. If there is not an in person one in your area, there are many online groups. I read a book called Mans Search For Meaning and it made me realize we are all here to help each other. I’m sure there is support out there for you. At the same time, you could help others in a similar situation.
All of this takes patience for things to turn around. Most importantly you have to take care of yourself and stop drinking for good to have a clear head to take care of yourself, your son and put a plan together for your life. Take it one day at a time, right?
While you look for other support sources, I hope you will keep posting here regularly. It’s been so helpful for so many people including myself!
My son went through a very bad phase. The first several years of his life actually. There was a time we considered institutionalizing. I was sure my marriage would end. I was constantly drunk or hung over. I honestly don’t know how I kept my job during that time. Things are a million times better in my life now. I can’t say all of it is due to quitting drinking because things happen for better or worse without our control. Sometimes it’s good or bad luck. But I can say for certain once I was 100% sober I was able to be fully present for my son and get him help. My relationship with him improved. My relationship with my husband improved. Most importantly my relationship with myself improved and I developed the confidence to handle things sober.
I understand the urge to drink for instant relief. I’ve been there so many times. But I had to learn to sit with my feelings, however bad they were, and remind myself this will pass. I had to accept the idea that I can not control everything, but I must take charge of what I can. I had to seek help for so many things all at once, my drinking, my son, parenting special needs. In a lot of ways, I know I am very lucky because of supportive people in my life.
I know things would have been worse had I kept drinking
Would you consider going back to AA, even if just online? I imagine therapy might be out of the question without a job at the moment. But are there resources in your community to help? Also, having a parent support group is important. If there is not an in person one in your area, there are many online groups. I read a book called Mans Search For Meaning and it made me realize we are all here to help each other. I’m sure there is support out there for you. At the same time, you could help others in a similar situation.
All of this takes patience for things to turn around. Most importantly you have to take care of yourself and stop drinking for good to have a clear head to take care of yourself, your son and put a plan together for your life. Take it one day at a time, right?
While you look for other support sources, I hope you will keep posting here regularly. It’s been so helpful for so many people including myself!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
You;ve indentified some of the areas you're having trouble with DS - what about making a recovery plan with some ideas that address those areas? 
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Hi DS, great to see you posting again. I’ve wondered how you have been.
You are really dealing with a lot and I get the sense that it has worn you down. I work with special needs kids and support parents a lot, they are the most amazing and courageous people I have ever known.
On a practical level, are you able to get any help with your autistic son? I know we live in different countries but here Parents can get some respite care. How did you manage to work before? What did you have in place in order for you to hold down a job? Are there any parent groups you can join (even online) where you can find like minded people and get emotional support.
Isolation is very bad for us alkies. Being alone in our own heads is dangerous. I would encourage you to connect with as many people as you can who understand and empathise with your predicament.
You mentioned AA before. Did you work the steps? Do you have a little toolbox of stuff to get you through each day. Did you have a sponsor? Meetings can be hit and miss for me, but it’s the steps that saved me.
I relapsed a bit a while back but have found my way again now. I really had to work hard to regain my sobriety this last time.
Thinking of you DS. Stay close ❤️
You are really dealing with a lot and I get the sense that it has worn you down. I work with special needs kids and support parents a lot, they are the most amazing and courageous people I have ever known.
On a practical level, are you able to get any help with your autistic son? I know we live in different countries but here Parents can get some respite care. How did you manage to work before? What did you have in place in order for you to hold down a job? Are there any parent groups you can join (even online) where you can find like minded people and get emotional support.
Isolation is very bad for us alkies. Being alone in our own heads is dangerous. I would encourage you to connect with as many people as you can who understand and empathise with your predicament.
You mentioned AA before. Did you work the steps? Do you have a little toolbox of stuff to get you through each day. Did you have a sponsor? Meetings can be hit and miss for me, but it’s the steps that saved me.
I relapsed a bit a while back but have found my way again now. I really had to work hard to regain my sobriety this last time.
Thinking of you DS. Stay close ❤️
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by desertsong 
Oh boy. You hit me there. I have no answer.
then get yer nose into the BB and DO what it says to do to recover.
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Washington State USA
Posts: 79
Anything I started to write sounded like preaching so I erased it. Reading your post and the responses is helping me stay sober today. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. There is (I believe) an ultimate authority who has all power. I believe you will find what you seek. You are loved!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Desert Song, I read your post and felt my empathy swell on your behalf. I am sending out prayers for your sustaining sobriety because you need an immediate short term plan as well as a long term plan. I am "shooting at fish in a barrel" because I am not sure what, in your case, is doable or not. Lets brainstorm some options:
1/ have you filed for Social Security on behalf of your son? He could very well qualify for benefits. Contact your SSA office and your county mental health department to start this process if you haven't already.
2/ have you applied for SNAP benefits for yourself? Your older son could qualify for his own separate case (and you can claim your younger son). This could help offset your severance $$ to extend beyond June. Know what your rights are and what you'd be eligible for, and get an idea what assistance you qualify for. County services, or state services offices in your area could give you that information.
3/ is it an option to leave your area to work elsewhere? If absent father is not involved with his sons, I wouldn't have any qualms about leaving my area. I'd be casting a WIDE net across several states to areas where there is potential employment. Look at each state's own websites for employment opportunities. Also, where does your mother live? is it an option for you to live with her temporarily? It could be a doable solution, short or long term. Family is a good place to start.
4/ with spring term starting in most colleges in a week or two, have you considered taking any courses that could enhance your job skills? have you considered a change in profession? Have you considered OJT or short term work situation outside of your field? Without knowing what your background is, you are still young and vital, and many of my friends your age have changed vocations. One became a phlebotomist, one went into county corrections, several went to work as administrative assistants in public services, and one is beginning a real estate career. You are only limited in what you refuse to do. Volunteer work? Have you belonged to a religious community, or have a spiritual leader?
Lastly, the worst thing you can do is sit inside your home and drink your troubles away. Drinking takes $$ which it sounds like you can ill afford and it would be foolish of you to squander your resources for that. Now is not the time to make excuses NOT TO MOVE FORWARD. Get going on an action plan and update your resume. Many state employment offices have people experienced in helping you land on your feet. Will you potentially qualify for state unemployment insurance?
Keep track of all the things/steps you are taking to ensure your future. Start a folder (or several folders) of all the contacts you put out there. Keep notes, be organized, you are your own best advocate for yourself and your son. Wake up each day, shower, brush your teeth, make your bed. Discipline yourself to start each day with prayers and purpose. Play uplifting positive music, only watch uplifting or positive shows. Limit your TV and social media. Take walks in nature, even with your son. Will do you both good. Montana is a beautiful state, but all the Pacific Northwest is gorgeous. I say reinvent yourself and move to where you are offered a job. And leave the sauce alone!
Good luck and God bless. This could very well be the beginning of a turnaround wonderful life! Keep us posted!
1/ have you filed for Social Security on behalf of your son? He could very well qualify for benefits. Contact your SSA office and your county mental health department to start this process if you haven't already.
2/ have you applied for SNAP benefits for yourself? Your older son could qualify for his own separate case (and you can claim your younger son). This could help offset your severance $$ to extend beyond June. Know what your rights are and what you'd be eligible for, and get an idea what assistance you qualify for. County services, or state services offices in your area could give you that information.
3/ is it an option to leave your area to work elsewhere? If absent father is not involved with his sons, I wouldn't have any qualms about leaving my area. I'd be casting a WIDE net across several states to areas where there is potential employment. Look at each state's own websites for employment opportunities. Also, where does your mother live? is it an option for you to live with her temporarily? It could be a doable solution, short or long term. Family is a good place to start.
4/ with spring term starting in most colleges in a week or two, have you considered taking any courses that could enhance your job skills? have you considered a change in profession? Have you considered OJT or short term work situation outside of your field? Without knowing what your background is, you are still young and vital, and many of my friends your age have changed vocations. One became a phlebotomist, one went into county corrections, several went to work as administrative assistants in public services, and one is beginning a real estate career. You are only limited in what you refuse to do. Volunteer work? Have you belonged to a religious community, or have a spiritual leader?
Lastly, the worst thing you can do is sit inside your home and drink your troubles away. Drinking takes $$ which it sounds like you can ill afford and it would be foolish of you to squander your resources for that. Now is not the time to make excuses NOT TO MOVE FORWARD. Get going on an action plan and update your resume. Many state employment offices have people experienced in helping you land on your feet. Will you potentially qualify for state unemployment insurance?
Keep track of all the things/steps you are taking to ensure your future. Start a folder (or several folders) of all the contacts you put out there. Keep notes, be organized, you are your own best advocate for yourself and your son. Wake up each day, shower, brush your teeth, make your bed. Discipline yourself to start each day with prayers and purpose. Play uplifting positive music, only watch uplifting or positive shows. Limit your TV and social media. Take walks in nature, even with your son. Will do you both good. Montana is a beautiful state, but all the Pacific Northwest is gorgeous. I say reinvent yourself and move to where you are offered a job. And leave the sauce alone!
Good luck and God bless. This could very well be the beginning of a turnaround wonderful life! Keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Desert Song,
Sorry I missed this post earlier this week. You definitely have a lot on your plate, and you are reaching out here to help you get sober again which is a great first step.
Jeni suggested respite care, I was going to ask the same thing. Do you have any respite care? If so, that would be a great time to get to a meeting, go for a walk, or work on your resume, and job applications. Try to be flexible in terms of jons, if you aren't able to find a position in the same field, maybe there is something else you can do. Maybe part time retail,or temp services even to get started again.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but drinking will only make the situation more stressful, and you know that already. The after effects are not worth the escape you're seeking.
Hope you'll keep posting on here, it's great to see you again.
❤️Delilah
Sorry I missed this post earlier this week. You definitely have a lot on your plate, and you are reaching out here to help you get sober again which is a great first step.
Jeni suggested respite care, I was going to ask the same thing. Do you have any respite care? If so, that would be a great time to get to a meeting, go for a walk, or work on your resume, and job applications. Try to be flexible in terms of jons, if you aren't able to find a position in the same field, maybe there is something else you can do. Maybe part time retail,or temp services even to get started again.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but drinking will only make the situation more stressful, and you know that already. The after effects are not worth the escape you're seeking.
Hope you'll keep posting on here, it's great to see you again.
❤️Delilah
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