thomas11

I've been on this site for almost 4 years and I have not revealed this publicly, but I'm at a point where maybe if I share it, it my help someone.

In my late 20's (1995+) I was part of a semi organized crime network. We made our money underground. Drugs, pharmaceuticals, stolen electronics, stolen high end clothing and even farm equipment. Our airplane got grounded in Oklahoma and drug dogs were called. They found the 400 lbs of marijuana. The walls came crumbling down. We had been under surveillance for quite some time, so when the dogs found the drugs, DEA agents back where we lived were ready to pounce. And did. As a result of this, some mobsters from Chicago sent goons to my apartment to either kill me or break me up bad. I was kind of a tough SOB and when I realized this guy was trying to choke me, I fought all 4 of them off and survived. I gave them all my money and all my inventory in exchange for my life.
My point being is that at this point, I figured my life was over. I had like 1200 bucks hidden away. I knew when I ran out of rent money and food, I would need to end my life. Its just the way I thought at that time.

I didn't do that, in fact I went back to my professor at my university and got my degree and got a decent job. I isolated myself from dating and socializing for 3 years. It was rough. I met my wife and bought a house and started a business. For the last 16-17 years I've been pretty content. But recently I have started to have dark thoughts creep in my head. Like,,,,,is this all that life has to offer? Am I resigned to being a work slave and a husband for the rest of my life. Get up, make coffee, feed the dog, go to work.....etc... you get the picture. My point in bringing that up is that I feel the same way now (on occasion) that I felt when I was destitute after the gangsters got me.

PS. What's a guy to do? (i've scheduled a dr. appointment to talk to someone and I do not plan to hold back.) Need to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

biminiblue

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ScottFromWI

I think the "what's the purpose of life" conundrum hits everyone at some point. Talking to a counselor or therapist sounds like a good idea.

MLD51

That's a really compelling story, Thomas, thanks for sharing.

I get that feeling sometimes - "is this all there is?" I was just talking to my boyfriend about it yesterday, oddly enough. I have also thought about going to see a therapist again, because when it hits me I get worried it's my depression rearing its head again. If it becomes a persistent feeling, I will. And it's not a bad idea for you, as well.

When I feel that way, I can usually take an objective look at my life and feel grateful for what my life IS, rather than what it ISN'T. I look back at the chaos and instability and fear I used to live in, and get to feeling pretty OK that life can seem mundane sometimes. Also at those times, I plan something to do that's a bit out of the ordinary, just to get out of the normal routine for a day or a few hours, even. That seems to help. It doesn't have to be anything super earth-shattering. Even just going to a different city to look around for an afternoon, or going to a movie (which I don't do often), or going for a hike in a different place than usual can do it. I also try plan a bigger trip every year. The planning and anticipation really adds a lot to my life, I find. The trips themselves are obviously great, but just having them to look forward to is really a great way to get out of the feeling that life is just a plod to the end.

lessgravity

The great paradoxes of self/other, meaning/pleasure, life/death are often found in the most quotidian of life's events.

ardy

oh Kiddo.. and I can say that. for Iam 69 this year.. had a dream last night that my children had started a fire and were taken from me.. in the 1980's we went through divorce.. American style.. I needed to work I needed to care for my children and I could not be home all the time.. they did start a fire. in a big field area. and I was picked up from my work..( I am a clown for a hotel back then) taken to the police station and told that social services was going to take my babies.. Ivan 12 Barry 9 and Melanie 8... the kids were crying in another room.. I remained calm infront of this woman that would lay hands on my children. Ivan stepped forward Mom we were playing cowboys and Indians and the wind took the hotdog fire... my children could have been burnt harmed and in hospital.. I circled them all. what are we going to do they say they will take you away. Barry in tears took off his belt looked at the officer and social worker and said my Mom Dad would have beat her for this.. and put the belt in my hand.. Mom. we need to be punished .. tears rolling down my face all 3 stepped forward to me one at a time and turned around I hit them 3 times each. Melly went up to the woman and said . you will kill us if you take us from our Mother. We love her that much. officers knew us personally and were in tears. I asked please they know what they did is wrong and it will not happen again. Officer Mike stepped in front of the woman and said Mrs. R. is taking the kids home we will check on them in a short time.. we piled into the car..... my 3 are now in their 40's almost 50's and yet I have tears every so often that will not stop because I was a Bad Mom.. no Ardith Ann you had to work and you have to care for the little ones. and your children are ok.. but every so often that dark force will crawl over me that I was a terrible person..
Kiddo you were a terrible person and now have so much good around you.. you need to hold on to that life and wife and if you have children. for that is the best part of life your Wife and babies and house. with out the people that were in your life.. please no you are not running in a rut you have just stopped realizing all that you have is so good. and that is the best part of life.. Family... love and old Lady Clown A Mom one who fears that she did it all wrong too..

ardy

This world is so terrible today. my tears will not stop . for the children that scream in terror of those around them are often not heard by those that should help and the ones that do hear them just turn a blind eye.. sorry all I need a tissue. some one help this young man . to stop and know that he is a better person then he thinks.. please.

Anna

I'm glad that you plan to talk to your dr. Possibly counselling might help. Could it be that you are depressed? If so, maybe medication would help and your dr could advise you about that.

What do you do for fun and relaxation in your life? Have you been able to find activities that bring you joy?

DriGuy

Life is all there is, but that doesn't mean it has to be humdrum. Much of it is of course. Jobs, businesses, careers can get pretty redundant at times. Marriage can be challenging. But there are good parts too. Professional help might be a good idea, because the good has to come from within. A professional might help you find it. In looking back at my life, I saw my job as just something I needed to do to achieve my real interests. Some people find great satisfaction in their jobs. I envy that, but my career was not my number one interest.

doggonecarl

So you are having an existential crisis. Been there, done that. The T-shirt still fits.

thomas11

Yes, I love to play golf, I love fishing and I'm an ex-jock so I love the ggym. Not a big fan of seasonal affective disorder or cabin fever, but it is March in Minnesota and we suffer sometimes.

thomas11

Not sure I understand?

doggonecarl

I mean, what you are going through is not uncommon and you will work through it.

MLD51

Winters up in this neck of the woods can definitely bring out those feelings (I live a few miles from Minnesota in Western Wisconsin). Especially this one. The. Snow. Wouldn't. Stop. I found myself almost weeping a few weeks ago when I realized I was going to have to snow blow for the 3rd time from one storm because the plows kept coming by and blocking my driveway. So I get it.

Delilah1

Hi Jeff,

I'm glad you're going to talk to someone. I have found the older I get the more content I am with the simple things. I love time with my kids and husband, sitting in my yard reading, going for walks. When I was younger I always wanted to be going/doing something. I definitely appreciate the small everyday moments more now.

thomas11

Carl, I don't know you, but pretty sure its not common. Haven't found a soul since then who can talk about things on the level I was at. Except for a guy named Russ in Ft, Myers Florida who had to run some errands at mid night. I knew what he was up to, because he told me.

Maybe you can enlighten me.

BlownOne

Everyone wants something someone else has. I would love to have a wife to take care of and have a husband's chores to do, but I don't.
But I do get to see my two daughters anytime I want to, and there's someone out there right now who doesn't get to see their kids and would love to be in my shoes. Get it? it's not about "is this all there is to life" it's about "I can't believe I've been given all of this!"

dafunbra

I'm going to echo what MLD51 said. Everyone deals with their own level of bad in their past. It may not be the same as yours, but I've felt like my life was over a few times. I felt like there was no point in going on because it didn't matter and I didn't matter and no one would ever want me and I was going to die alone, might as well be now, etc. My point is that someone doesn't have to be worked over by gangsters and be destitute to feel like life is over and it will never change. Look for the similarities in the sharing people are doing to your situation, not the differences. No one has experienced the exact same things to get to those bottoms, but many of us have FELT the exact same way after our different experiences. And the feeling is what we want to change. Practicing gratitude is huge for me. It took a while but having a glass half full mindset is huge for me. I am seeing a pshrink to deal with some stuff from my childhood I'd never told a soul about until about 3 months ago and its at the very heart of the feelings I was trying to drown all those years.

People don't have to walk the exact same path with the exact same negative experiences to have the exact same feelings about life.

thomas11

I dont have kids for that very reason. I am not a fit father.

doggonecarl

Questioning this:
is pretty darn common, in one form or another. Like dafunbra said, your path was your path, how you got to where you are is unique to you. But wondering if one's life has meaning, purpose, or value is universal.