Long story, but I want to share.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
I lost my kids (a very bad thing) and my ex-wife (a very good thing) in large part due to my drinking. I recently lost an absolutely amazing woman who truly loved me because of my drinking. It was that loss, and the loss of HER kids, that made me realize I had to change. I don't want to lose anything else. I won't even go into my impending legal issues. Again, and not to preach Thomas, look for the similarities and not the differences.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Originally Posted by thomas11 
I dont have kids for that very reason. I am not a fit father.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
Hi Thomas,
Thanks for sharing your story. Reminded me of Breaking Bad
I know you have been going through this. I remember your post last week. I’m so glad you are going to see your doctor. I think therapy will really help you. It sounds like you’ve never processed that experience you went through when you were younger. You cannot sweep this stuff under the rug. It will come back to haunt you if you don’t talk out your feelings around this, and come to some closure. You may think it couldn’t effect you because it was so long ago. But you would be surprised.
When you go to therapy, think about identifying your values and purpose as well.
What about doing some volunteer work for a cause that is close to you? You are already inspiring here. But what about getting out there, doing something in person to give back? Volunteer work is so good for the soul.
I think it’s normal to go through these existential crisis feelings from time to time. If it does t pass, though, medication might be helpful in addition to the therapy.
Keep us posted!
I
Thanks for sharing your story. Reminded me of Breaking Bad
I know you have been going through this. I remember your post last week. I’m so glad you are going to see your doctor. I think therapy will really help you. It sounds like you’ve never processed that experience you went through when you were younger. You cannot sweep this stuff under the rug. It will come back to haunt you if you don’t talk out your feelings around this, and come to some closure. You may think it couldn’t effect you because it was so long ago. But you would be surprised.
When you go to therapy, think about identifying your values and purpose as well.
What about doing some volunteer work for a cause that is close to you? You are already inspiring here. But what about getting out there, doing something in person to give back? Volunteer work is so good for the soul.
I think it’s normal to go through these existential crisis feelings from time to time. If it does t pass, though, medication might be helpful in addition to the therapy.
Keep us posted!
I
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Jeff you are an international man of mystery! I think the gangsta angle has been mentioned...maybe to me in a PM. Don't know.
Sigh. I hear ya. For me, I drive myself nuts sometimes...thinking and thinking. And I know its not a good place for me. Its tough to realize that there aren't a lot of easy answers to many questions....some questions don't have answers.
It would be easy to say that you have lived a life where Adrenalin played a big part of 'living'. That kind of lifestyle, while dangerous, is intoxicating. You've established a new 'normal' but that is coming up short now.
Talking about it is great. Here and with a counselor. Maybe some action too....getting out of your head. A rock climbing gym. Sky diving. Heck I dunno. But try to stop the hamster wheel. You'll drive yourself nuts my friend.
Sigh. I hear ya. For me, I drive myself nuts sometimes...thinking and thinking. And I know its not a good place for me. Its tough to realize that there aren't a lot of easy answers to many questions....some questions don't have answers.
It would be easy to say that you have lived a life where Adrenalin played a big part of 'living'. That kind of lifestyle, while dangerous, is intoxicating. You've established a new 'normal' but that is coming up short now.
Talking about it is great. Here and with a counselor. Maybe some action too....getting out of your head. A rock climbing gym. Sky diving. Heck I dunno. But try to stop the hamster wheel. You'll drive yourself nuts my friend.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Questioning this:
is pretty darn common, in one form or another. Like dafunbra said, your path was your path, how you got to where you are is unique to you. But wondering if one's life has meaning, purpose, or value is universal.
is pretty darn common, in one form or another. Like dafunbra said, your path was your path, how you got to where you are is unique to you. But wondering if one's life has meaning, purpose, or value is universal.
I think remembering the high of the drug runs makes the routine of your current life feel monotonous. You’re restless. You miss the adrenaline rush.
What will you do with that feeling?
We can’t tell you what that answer is, but you could sit with that awhile. Some people travel, some people get into risky sports, some choose completely alternate lifestyles....some move out of Minnesota...
Your previous life is not the norm of most, of course. But the feelings you’re having now, are.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Glad you're seeing the Dr, Jeff.
Yeah - I know not many of us have stories from the past like yours - but I think a lot of us have those kinds of feelings in recovery...even non alcoholics get them - we usually call it a mid life crisis?
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesc.../#5186d84f573c
In a way my mid life crisis was my drinking years. I straightened up and I found purpose and meaning. I'm happier now than I ever was as a young man, even before the weed and booze.
I know who I am and where I fit in the world.
I really believe you can find your own purpose and meaning and be happy too man.
I hope maybe the Dr might suggest some ideas that'll get you out of the funk or direct you to someone who can?.
D
Like,,,,,is this all that life has to offer? Am I resigned to being a work slave and a husband for the rest of my life. Get up, make coffee, feed the dog, go to work.....etc... you get the picture. My point in bringing that up is that I feel the same way now (on occasion) that I felt when I was destitute after the gangsters got me.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesc.../#5186d84f573c
A midlife crisis can happen when you look at your life and focus on regrets, not achievements.
I know who I am and where I fit in the world.
I really believe you can find your own purpose and meaning and be happy too man.
I hope maybe the Dr might suggest some ideas that'll get you out of the funk or direct you to someone who can?.
D
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
I'm with Dee.
It's about purpose.
I had searched for the meaning of life for years. Started searching when I was drinking. I read all manner of spiritual books, looking for the answers.
When I quit drinking, I thought I finally had the answer. Get sober, get healthy, and life will take care of itself.
Imagine my surprise when I found it still wasn't enough. Don't get me wrong - on paper, life was great. Good job, money, house, supportive family, friends ... all of that.
But it still wasn't enough.
Couldn't shake the feeling that there was some reason I was here, and I had to find out, and getting sober was just the beginning of THAT journey.
They say the 2 most important days of your life are: the day you were born, and the day you figure out why.
I had to go deep, both literally and figuratively, to wake up to the reason why. Yes, it was quite a journey to find my purpose.
Getting sober was just the beginning for me.
I don't know if it's the same for you. But if you're asking the question, then it might just be you are here for a reason too and you need help realising what it is.
I had to ask for help to get sober, and in the same way I had to ask for help to figure out my purpose.
If I were you, I would just ask. Ask it right out loud, tonight, before you go to sleep. Ask it with intent and humility and the promise that when you find out why, you will follow through and do all you can to get it done. Then just leave it be, wait for the answer. It will come. The same power that got you sober will deliver it to you.
It's about purpose.
I had searched for the meaning of life for years. Started searching when I was drinking. I read all manner of spiritual books, looking for the answers.
When I quit drinking, I thought I finally had the answer. Get sober, get healthy, and life will take care of itself.
Imagine my surprise when I found it still wasn't enough. Don't get me wrong - on paper, life was great. Good job, money, house, supportive family, friends ... all of that.
But it still wasn't enough.
Couldn't shake the feeling that there was some reason I was here, and I had to find out, and getting sober was just the beginning of THAT journey.
They say the 2 most important days of your life are: the day you were born, and the day you figure out why.
I had to go deep, both literally and figuratively, to wake up to the reason why. Yes, it was quite a journey to find my purpose.
Getting sober was just the beginning for me.
I don't know if it's the same for you. But if you're asking the question, then it might just be you are here for a reason too and you need help realising what it is.
I had to ask for help to get sober, and in the same way I had to ask for help to figure out my purpose.
If I were you, I would just ask. Ask it right out loud, tonight, before you go to sleep. Ask it with intent and humility and the promise that when you find out why, you will follow through and do all you can to get it done. Then just leave it be, wait for the answer. It will come. The same power that got you sober will deliver it to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Glad you are going to talk to someone, Jeff., and good that you are approaching it with honesty.
I'm not a physician, but to me it sounds like depression.
Could be the long winter, could be stuff from your past coming up (that s**t can stay buried for years, and then, whamo!) could be age.
Could be all of it!
Whatever the reason, and no guarantee you're going to uncover it right off the bat, it's a great first step to talk to someone.
It's also a brave thing to do. We like to think we can handle anything that comes up, but sometimes we need a hand.
Good luck.
I'm not a physician, but to me it sounds like depression.
Could be the long winter, could be stuff from your past coming up (that s**t can stay buried for years, and then, whamo!) could be age.
Could be all of it!
Whatever the reason, and no guarantee you're going to uncover it right off the bat, it's a great first step to talk to someone.
It's also a brave thing to do. We like to think we can handle anything that comes up, but sometimes we need a hand.
Good luck.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,185
Apart from Her Majesty's Customs and Revenue I don't know anyone in organised crime, at least not to my knowledge but I reckon that for the most part criminals are not especially literary types. You write rather well Thomas so perhaps you could write a crime novel utilising your knowledge. Writing about crime might not give you the same buzz as doing it (which is what your post is about) but the research might be fun.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
You can do amazing things without a monkey on your back, and with the law on your side. Your story actually proves that, if you think about it. Clearly you’re a badass and you don’t have to romanticize being all gangster in order to “start living”. You can make coffee every morning and still be a Very Interesting Person. 
Also Dee’s response here in particular is really great. And Carl you crack me up. I know you’re being serious, it’s just your style. LG and saoutchik, too. Really great responses.
Also Dee’s response here in particular is really great. And Carl you crack me up. I know you’re being serious, it’s just your style. LG and saoutchik, too. Really great responses.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,159
The existential crisis is probably a common experience. Maybe it's hard to find the meaning of life, because there is no meaning. This does not mean that you cannot put meaning there, and most people do, even if they don't think about it. They want a job, a marriage, joy, to serve a god, or to take an interest origami. But all of these things we put there. If they were there at the moment of conception is unknown, and the thing is they don't need to be there. So from time to time, the question arises: "Is this all there is?" In the back of your mind, you are probably realizing you put things in your life, but the big question comes up: "Is this all there is?" This is a good question, and I'll explain why I think so in a minute.
100 years ago, you didn't exist, and then <plop>. Now you do. There is no reason there needs to be anymore to life than this. You are a human with the imagination powerful enough to ask the question, "Why am I here?" But the question itself is a logical fallacy. In logic, it is called 'begging the question," because you are putting an uncalled for answer into your question. By asking the question you have already assumed there is a why, and you are demanding an answer. But you have no proof that 'why?' is even warranted. You just assume.
A better question is, "Is this all there is?" It makes no assumptions. It just asks if there is more. Well, maybe there is or maybe there isn't. All we know is that we can put things in our lives possibly just to pass the time. I don't find this troubling at all. I can't answer why we are here. I just know that I am. Now I just want something to do. And I've managed to do this, sometimes to great satisfaction.
100 years ago, you didn't exist, and then <plop>. Now you do. There is no reason there needs to be anymore to life than this. You are a human with the imagination powerful enough to ask the question, "Why am I here?" But the question itself is a logical fallacy. In logic, it is called 'begging the question," because you are putting an uncalled for answer into your question. By asking the question you have already assumed there is a why, and you are demanding an answer. But you have no proof that 'why?' is even warranted. You just assume.
A better question is, "Is this all there is?" It makes no assumptions. It just asks if there is more. Well, maybe there is or maybe there isn't. All we know is that we can put things in our lives possibly just to pass the time. I don't find this troubling at all. I can't answer why we are here. I just know that I am. Now I just want something to do. And I've managed to do this, sometimes to great satisfaction.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
PS. What's a guy to do? (i've scheduled a dr. appointment to talk to someone and I do not plan to hold back.) Need to get it off my chest.
Yes, confession. In the program we call it a 4th step. It is as old as the first wrong deed.
The danger is when we "feel" the meaning of life is nothingness. It is there we are the most selfish. I was put her for no reason, damn it. What's in this for me!? Crap.
Hogwash. Use your abilities to start something to help others. Deliver meals on wheels. Visit elderly in nursing homes. Mentor a kid.
Life today for me isn't about how the hell I feel, but what am I doing to help others. I am no saint, and many times the answer in not much. It is at those times I feel the most isolated.
When we find a way to get out of ourselves we rapidly get out of our terminal uniqueness problems is my experience.
Yes, confession. In the program we call it a 4th step. It is as old as the first wrong deed.
The danger is when we "feel" the meaning of life is nothingness. It is there we are the most selfish. I was put her for no reason, damn it. What's in this for me!? Crap.
Hogwash. Use your abilities to start something to help others. Deliver meals on wheels. Visit elderly in nursing homes. Mentor a kid.
Life today for me isn't about how the hell I feel, but what am I doing to help others. I am no saint, and many times the answer in not much. It is at those times I feel the most isolated.
When we find a way to get out of ourselves we rapidly get out of our terminal uniqueness problems is my experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
They say the 2 most important days of your life are: the day you were born, and the day you figure out why.
I've had some time to digest all of the responses, and they were all very very good. The above quote kind of grabbed me hard. I struggle with it.
At the end of the day I think I am struggling with a mid life crisis (whatever that is) and the mundane. I remember my life from the time I even have memories until I was 30 being electric. Never a dull moment. I try very hard to understand and accept that I am jaded. I know I am. But that doesn't mean I can't change and adjust to a "normal" life. I didn't end up dead or in prison so I should be thankful. And I am. But I get bored and boredom is my enemy.
I greatly appreciate all of your responses. This is a caring community, I do my best to be a part of it. I could do better.
I've had some time to digest all of the responses, and they were all very very good. The above quote kind of grabbed me hard. I struggle with it.
At the end of the day I think I am struggling with a mid life crisis (whatever that is) and the mundane. I remember my life from the time I even have memories until I was 30 being electric. Never a dull moment. I try very hard to understand and accept that I am jaded. I know I am. But that doesn't mean I can't change and adjust to a "normal" life. I didn't end up dead or in prison so I should be thankful. And I am. But I get bored and boredom is my enemy.
I greatly appreciate all of your responses. This is a caring community, I do my best to be a part of it. I could do better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I could do better.
You've had a rough few years - had the accident, stopped drinking, had family issues on both sides, closed your business tried a few hats on.
Thats pretty scary stuff - especially if you're used to being in control?
FWIW you do great here, IMO.
D
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