Integrating in to normal life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 73
Integrating in to normal life.
So, why I stumbled upon this site is that I have a bachelors party I'm going to this month for an old friend and was really looking for some support in how to deal with these situations in life. Now, it won't be a crazy booze fest as I know everyone going are not big drinkers in the first place and the groom hardly drinks at all, but I'm sure there will be some cocktails or craft beer present. More of a board/video game hangout with some unknown events the best man has planned I think.
I want to go to commemorate the life event and make it through with my sobriety intact. I've taken the step of telling my oldest friend that will be there about my addiction. I'm really just looking for some supportive suggestions, ideas or perhaps shared experiences in going back to social life.
I want to go to commemorate the life event and make it through with my sobriety intact. I've taken the step of telling my oldest friend that will be there about my addiction. I'm really just looking for some supportive suggestions, ideas or perhaps shared experiences in going back to social life.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I saw your earlier post, you have over 100 days sober. So you are in a good place. It isn't going to be a drunk fest, as you said. But if there is going to be pressure to drink, how are you going to handle it? Can you say no firmly? Are you going to be concerned about what you are going to tell them? Are you going to make excuses why you don't drink?
If you are committed to being sober, you won't drink. If you are tempted, or think you'll be tempted to drink, don't go. And if you are afraid to skip the event, that might be a red flag. Your sobriety is priority one. It has to be. You say want to go to commemorate the "life event." Life event? It's just a bachelor party.
If you are committed to being sober, you won't drink. If you are tempted, or think you'll be tempted to drink, don't go. And if you are afraid to skip the event, that might be a red flag. Your sobriety is priority one. It has to be. You say want to go to commemorate the "life event." Life event? It's just a bachelor party.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Thanks for the thread VX,
I have my third day not drinking tomorrow and one of best girlfriends is moving to NY, she is like my sister and my other best friends, our girl group, are going out to a food truck/bar. I was invited. I am not feeling so nervous to go but I do have the concern that it might make me upset. I am in such a vulnerable place right now with my depression that I mainly fear feeling upset that I was dealt THIS card.
It is hard to miss big life events, my worst one was missing going to support my good friend at her boyfriends funeral this past weekend, because I was so messed up from the night prior. I feel regret like no other for that.
I hope more people share on this thread because I too wonder, how to get back to certain aspects of your old social life, or is that all gone too? I get that we have to avoid situations, but what about when your friends want to have a casual dinner and one orders a beer? I can't tell her to be sober.
I also had a thought today, but why does it have be so scary to be sober? I'm not talking about difficult, I know that it is. But what about the perspective of coming from a place of fear, why do we need to be scared? I feel fear and nerves, but had that small realization that if I recognize the emotion is there, creating the thought, it will then create the action. So I want to try to think hopefully about life and creating my new "normal" whatever that is.
Sorry for so much, just free thought for a little there. I don't feel qualified yet to give advice as I am just now learning, but am happy to share my thoughts.
Take care..
I have my third day not drinking tomorrow and one of best girlfriends is moving to NY, she is like my sister and my other best friends, our girl group, are going out to a food truck/bar. I was invited. I am not feeling so nervous to go but I do have the concern that it might make me upset. I am in such a vulnerable place right now with my depression that I mainly fear feeling upset that I was dealt THIS card.
It is hard to miss big life events, my worst one was missing going to support my good friend at her boyfriends funeral this past weekend, because I was so messed up from the night prior. I feel regret like no other for that.
I hope more people share on this thread because I too wonder, how to get back to certain aspects of your old social life, or is that all gone too? I get that we have to avoid situations, but what about when your friends want to have a casual dinner and one orders a beer? I can't tell her to be sober.
I also had a thought today, but why does it have be so scary to be sober? I'm not talking about difficult, I know that it is. But what about the perspective of coming from a place of fear, why do we need to be scared? I feel fear and nerves, but had that small realization that if I recognize the emotion is there, creating the thought, it will then create the action. So I want to try to think hopefully about life and creating my new "normal" whatever that is.
Sorry for so much, just free thought for a little there. I don't feel qualified yet to give advice as I am just now learning, but am happy to share my thoughts.
Take care..
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome vxper 
I couldn't have done that at 100 days,. I needed to put clear distance between who I had been and who I wanted to be, and who I had been followed the crowd a little too much.
If you think you can manage it, then more power to you but I wouldn;t go in without a faiurly well thought out plan.
I'd focus on likely scenarios and what you might do in response to certain situations
* if people ask you what you want to drink
* if they ask you why you're not drinking alcohol
* peer pressure
* your own FOMO (fear of missing out)
* alcohol rationalisations - one won't hurt, I'll drink tonight and start again in the morning, I'll alternate with water etc
You may have other specific scenarios to think about.
Also consider an 'EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS' escape plan if things are getting too much.
Most of those and a few other ideas are in here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...val-guide.html (Social Occasion Survival Guide)
As someone else said - if you have any doubts at all, don't go.
The sky will not fall
You can always celebrate with your buddy one on one at a later date in a different way instead.
Cherish your recovery - make your decision based on that precept and you can't go far wrong
D
I couldn't have done that at 100 days,. I needed to put clear distance between who I had been and who I wanted to be, and who I had been followed the crowd a little too much.
If you think you can manage it, then more power to you but I wouldn;t go in without a faiurly well thought out plan.
I'd focus on likely scenarios and what you might do in response to certain situations
* if people ask you what you want to drink
* if they ask you why you're not drinking alcohol
* peer pressure
* your own FOMO (fear of missing out)
* alcohol rationalisations - one won't hurt, I'll drink tonight and start again in the morning, I'll alternate with water etc
You may have other specific scenarios to think about.
Also consider an 'EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS' escape plan if things are getting too much.
Most of those and a few other ideas are in here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...val-guide.html (Social Occasion Survival Guide)
As someone else said - if you have any doubts at all, don't go.
The sky will not fall
You can always celebrate with your buddy one on one at a later date in a different way instead.
Cherish your recovery - make your decision based on that precept and you can't go far wrong
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Don't go.
100 days is great- and VERY early. Think of it in terms of a lifetime in the gift of recovery.
Missing something? Always an option. NO is always an RSVP you can give.
If you insist - choose- to go - what Dee said.
If sobriety is your top priority- honestly - choosing the best thing to support that decision, no matter what/who/when/where/anything is always the right thing.
100 days is great- and VERY early. Think of it in terms of a lifetime in the gift of recovery.
Missing something? Always an option. NO is always an RSVP you can give.
If you insist - choose- to go - what Dee said.
If sobriety is your top priority- honestly - choosing the best thing to support that decision, no matter what/who/when/where/anything is always the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Hi Vx.
Its hard to to figure out how and when to socialize once we quit drinking. The previous posts have offered good advice. Listen to your gut when deciding if you should go to this event. If you decide to go, create an escape plan. I often plan out several escape plans when I’m out socializing, just to have all the “what if’s” covered.
Its hard to to figure out how and when to socialize once we quit drinking. The previous posts have offered good advice. Listen to your gut when deciding if you should go to this event. If you decide to go, create an escape plan. I often plan out several escape plans when I’m out socializing, just to have all the “what if’s” covered.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 73
Thanks all that have posted. I've read through the advice and I think I will be attending. I trust the people that will be there and there isn't a fear of peer pressure...they're just not that type of people.
Having said that, I'm going to follow some of the advice I hadn't thought of. I've spoken to my wife and best friend and both have agreed to be on call if I need them. The event is out of state, but the city it is in is where my sister lives and she will be my escape plan (go and crash at her place if at any point I feel uncomfortable). The person's house the gathering is at now knows about this as well and understands if I even end up pulling an Irish goodbye.
I am resolute in being able to say no when offered bad things to me (have had some practice as I was diagnosed as a diabetic 3 years ago and constantly turn down things I shouldn't eat). Sure, a cookie and a drink are nowhere near the same thing but the "no thanks" response is at least practiced.
I will let you all know how it goes.
Having said that, I'm going to follow some of the advice I hadn't thought of. I've spoken to my wife and best friend and both have agreed to be on call if I need them. The event is out of state, but the city it is in is where my sister lives and she will be my escape plan (go and crash at her place if at any point I feel uncomfortable). The person's house the gathering is at now knows about this as well and understands if I even end up pulling an Irish goodbye.
I am resolute in being able to say no when offered bad things to me (have had some practice as I was diagnosed as a diabetic 3 years ago and constantly turn down things I shouldn't eat). Sure, a cookie and a drink are nowhere near the same thing but the "no thanks" response is at least practiced.
I will let you all know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Everyone's path of sobriety is different. 100 days sober could be "too early" for some, and "good to go" for others. For me, I know for a fact that I would be fine to attend such an event, as I attend similar events every weekend. It looks like you have chosen to go, which is your decision. What it comes down to is your state of mind, and how you think you will deal with even the slightest temptation. Good luck, have fun, and own your decision.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Atlast9999 
Hi Vx.
Its hard to to figure out how and when to socialize once we quit drinking. The previous posts have offered good advice. Listen to your gut when deciding if you should go to this event. If you decide to go, create an escape plan. I often plan out several escape plans when I’m out socializing, just to have all the “what if’s” covered.
Its hard to to figure out how and when to socialize once we quit drinking. The previous posts have offered good advice. Listen to your gut when deciding if you should go to this event. If you decide to go, create an escape plan. I often plan out several escape plans when I’m out socializing, just to have all the “what if’s” covered.
Early on or well into sobriety, having an escape route is something we should never forget. Drive yourself to the party. Don't depend on a ride from someone who may not be ready to leave. Be ready to leave as soon as you feel scared, tempted, or irritated. Now is the time to prove you are a person in control of your future and smart (or perhaps brave) enough to beat a fast retreat from danger.
It was my turn to host the monthly poker party when I was somewhere around 100 days. I was confident in my sobriety, but not that confident. I vowed I would leave my own party and let the guys finish up the night without me (and with my blessing) if I felt it was necessary. If you are with friends, they will be supportive. If they are not supportive, you need to hang out with better friends.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I understand the need to experience life events but really a bachelor party is just a party. Can you maybe meet up with your buddy at a separate time and do something which doesn't involve drinking with him? I wouldn't go to it at 100 days sober
Niclin- I certainly wouldn't go out on a girls night out in my first week sober. how will you deal with not drinking when everyone else is? when they tell you you are boring/weak/ a party pooper etc how will you deal with it? Will you seriously not drink when all around you are drinking?
I had a funeral in my first couple of weeks sober - but it was a funeral I could not NOT go. Everyone drank afterwards but I didnt. no way would I go on a girsl night out though.
Think it's important to get a sense of perspective. These are not 'life events' They are nights out drinking.
Niclin- I certainly wouldn't go out on a girls night out in my first week sober. how will you deal with not drinking when everyone else is? when they tell you you are boring/weak/ a party pooper etc how will you deal with it? Will you seriously not drink when all around you are drinking?
I had a funeral in my first couple of weeks sober - but it was a funeral I could not NOT go. Everyone drank afterwards but I didnt. no way would I go on a girsl night out though.
Think it's important to get a sense of perspective. These are not 'life events' They are nights out drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Originally Posted by DriGuy
I certainly wouldn't encourage anyone to go to such an event if they are worried. 100 days may be dicey. Vxper has made good progress, but may still at risk.
Early on or well into sobriety, having an escape route is something we should never forget. Drive yourself to the party. Don't depend on a ride from someone who may not be ready to leave. Be ready to leave as soon as you feel scared, tempted, or irritated. Now is the time to prove you are a person in control of your future and smart (or perhaps brave) enough to beat a fast retreat from danger.
It was my turn to host the monthly poker party when I was somewhere around 100 days. I was confident in my sobriety, but not that confident. I vowed I would leave my own party and let the guys finish up the night without me (and with my blessing) if I felt it was necessary. If you are with friends, they will be supportive. If they are not supportive, you need to hang out with better friends.
Early on or well into sobriety, having an escape route is something we should never forget. Drive yourself to the party. Don't depend on a ride from someone who may not be ready to leave. Be ready to leave as soon as you feel scared, tempted, or irritated. Now is the time to prove you are a person in control of your future and smart (or perhaps brave) enough to beat a fast retreat from danger.
It was my turn to host the monthly poker party when I was somewhere around 100 days. I was confident in my sobriety, but not that confident. I vowed I would leave my own party and let the guys finish up the night without me (and with my blessing) if I felt it was necessary. If you are with friends, they will be supportive. If they are not supportive, you need to hang out with better friends.
I totally agree that that real friends won’t pressure you to drink or do anything you don’t want to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I understand the need to experience life events but really a bachelor party is just a party.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Atlast9999
I had multiple escape plans and had zero problem leaving my own party. I even had my car staged so that it wasn’t blocked in and I could get out if I needed to. It wasnt an ideal time for a party but the escape plans helped comfort me and prepare me.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Sounds like you've got your bases covered via resolve and escape routes. Also huge that people know you're in recovery and are supportive.
It's early. I wouldn't have tried this at 90 days, but everyone is different.
Don't be afraid to USE your escape plan if needed!
It's early. I wouldn't have tried this at 90 days, but everyone is different.
Don't be afraid to USE your escape plan if needed!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Dee it is incredible that you said that, I posted this on the March class thread but realized it was relevant here as well....
****What I wanted to add was that before going out, I called my father and told him to be on standby in case I could not be with my friends anymore, to come pick me up if I needed him. I guess that was my EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS plan.
------
Nic checking in for Day 3 complete, going on 4 tomorrow and feeling really positive!
I was nervous because I had scheduled a girls night out for dinner with my 3 best friends while I was drinking. After I made the decision I got scared of going out with them, that there would be too much temptation and of course, that they would order drinks. I met them and immediately filled them in on the seriousness of my decision, they were so supportive and told me how proud they were and that yes, they had been noticing a problem, that I was too isolated and they didn't know what to do.
We went to dinner and had great food and great laughs and NO ONE ORDERED ANYTHING!!! We had water with lemon and I had just as much fun (actually more) laughing with them and just taking in their respect of situation and their love. We got our bill and my friend said "this was so cheap!" and my other friend laughed and said "that's cause we didn't have any drinks!!!"
I feel so lucky to have them and my family and now, this. I know it is a journey but at least my first outing was a huge success!
With the help of this site, my books on mindfulness, my meditating and my journaling, I am doing the WORK and am getting more inspired to keep this up. I WANT to feel the pain I have been drinking at, I WANT to experience all of these emotions.
Thank you again for listening.
****What I wanted to add was that before going out, I called my father and told him to be on standby in case I could not be with my friends anymore, to come pick me up if I needed him. I guess that was my EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS plan.
------
Nic checking in for Day 3 complete, going on 4 tomorrow and feeling really positive!
I was nervous because I had scheduled a girls night out for dinner with my 3 best friends while I was drinking. After I made the decision I got scared of going out with them, that there would be too much temptation and of course, that they would order drinks. I met them and immediately filled them in on the seriousness of my decision, they were so supportive and told me how proud they were and that yes, they had been noticing a problem, that I was too isolated and they didn't know what to do.
We went to dinner and had great food and great laughs and NO ONE ORDERED ANYTHING!!! We had water with lemon and I had just as much fun (actually more) laughing with them and just taking in their respect of situation and their love. We got our bill and my friend said "this was so cheap!" and my other friend laughed and said "that's cause we didn't have any drinks!!!"
I feel so lucky to have them and my family and now, this. I know it is a journey but at least my first outing was a huge success!
With the help of this site, my books on mindfulness, my meditating and my journaling, I am doing the WORK and am getting more inspired to keep this up. I WANT to feel the pain I have been drinking at, I WANT to experience all of these emotions.
Thank you again for listening.
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi and welcome vxper
Also consider an 'EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS' escape plan if things are getting too much.
D
Also consider an 'EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS' escape plan if things are getting too much.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Thanks Ready, I should have rephrased girls night to mean girls dinner, but yes, you are right nonetheless. Luckily, I was able to get the full support of my girls and everyone had water with me. I am very grateful for that. I will not be going out to any place that is heavy on alcohol.
I appreciate the advice
I appreciate the advice
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I understand the need to experience life events but really a bachelor party is just a party. Can you maybe meet up with your buddy at a separate time and do something which doesn't involve drinking with him? I wouldn't go to it at 100 days sober
Niclin- I certainly wouldn't go out on a girls night out in my first week sober. how will you deal with not drinking when everyone else is? when they tell you you are boring/weak/ a party pooper etc how will you deal with it? Will you seriously not drink when all around you are drinking?
I had a funeral in my first couple of weeks sober - but it was a funeral I could not NOT go. Everyone drank afterwards but I didnt. no way would I go on a girsl night out though.
Think it's important to get a sense of perspective. These are not 'life events' They are nights out drinking.
Niclin- I certainly wouldn't go out on a girls night out in my first week sober. how will you deal with not drinking when everyone else is? when they tell you you are boring/weak/ a party pooper etc how will you deal with it? Will you seriously not drink when all around you are drinking?
I had a funeral in my first couple of weeks sober - but it was a funeral I could not NOT go. Everyone drank afterwards but I didnt. no way would I go on a girsl night out though.
Think it's important to get a sense of perspective. These are not 'life events' They are nights out drinking.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by NicLin
We went to dinner and had great food and great laughs and NO ONE ORDERED ANYTHING!!! We had water with lemon and I had just as much fun (actually more) laughing with them and just taking in their respect of situation and their love. We got our bill and my friend said "this was so cheap!" and my other friend laughed and said "that's cause we didn't have any drinks!!!"
Alcoholics generally can't do that, or if they can, with great effort and complaining. We all tend to think, when we drink or use addictively, that EVERYONE thinks this way. Once you stop and if/when you are around 'normal' drinkers, they don't think that way at all. If they can't have a drink at a wedding it would be no big deal. If the restaurant didn't serve alcohol, they'd get something else. We think that everyone will notice that we're not drinking, when in fact, it really doesn't matter to them.
That's what normal drinkers do. We're not normal drinkers.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
NicLin- good job.
I share this for both you and vxper - and ANYONE- especially early on.
Going to something and not drinking is awesome- and can give us a confidence boost and appreciation for our friends, etc. BUT...sometimes it's just AFTER such an event that we are caught off guard and DO drink. It might sound counter-intuitive - and it is, in a way, because we have an insane disease- but the "aftermath" is often the more dangerous place as many have experienced first hand.
To both - what kind of a program are you working? That's ultimately what we need (and it does indeed have need for good support like mentioned) in order to keep making the choice to be sober.
Also...one of the best gifts I have in sobriety is choosing the kind of social life I truly want, and that is good for me. It can be a startling process to realize we don't actually want, nor should have, old friends/places/habits in our lives - but for me, crucial. And so much better on this side. I'm also 3 and change years sober, and it takes more than a few days or a 100 or more to develop a new way of thinking and choosing to live.
Note I used the word choice throughout this post
I share this for both you and vxper - and ANYONE- especially early on.
Going to something and not drinking is awesome- and can give us a confidence boost and appreciation for our friends, etc. BUT...sometimes it's just AFTER such an event that we are caught off guard and DO drink. It might sound counter-intuitive - and it is, in a way, because we have an insane disease- but the "aftermath" is often the more dangerous place as many have experienced first hand.
To both - what kind of a program are you working? That's ultimately what we need (and it does indeed have need for good support like mentioned) in order to keep making the choice to be sober.
Also...one of the best gifts I have in sobriety is choosing the kind of social life I truly want, and that is good for me. It can be a startling process to realize we don't actually want, nor should have, old friends/places/habits in our lives - but for me, crucial. And so much better on this side. I'm also 3 and change years sober, and it takes more than a few days or a 100 or more to develop a new way of thinking and choosing to live.
Note I used the word choice throughout this post
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