Primativo

As someone who has relapsed a fair bit since I decided to "quit" alcohol in May 2018, and fully realised my predicament, I would say I have relapsed a few times because I thought I was normal again, the problem wasn't so bad, I'm aware I have a problem so now I can control it, I can probably moderate now. And one or two times, I genuinely have not wanted to drink, but felt FOMO, wanted to fit in and seem normal, compelled to attend social events where drinking would be prominent etc

These are all a myriad of issues someone whose life revolved around drinking, and who is facing up to a life of non drinking, faces. We have to learn as we go.

I think it's all part of a learning curve. It's also important to recognise the AV which I feel I am doing better now. I realise now that the part of me that says you're ok to drink, it wasn't so bad, is the AV and not the real me. The real me never wants to drink again.

I'm only on day 6, I felt like hell on earth just a few days ago, yet already I have fleeting thoughts of, oh that wasn't so bad was it, you went on a big 3 day bender last weekend and you're already feeling back to normal, we can do it again.

I mean, how conniving is that?! I know that this AV voice will grow weaker as it's still early days so it's very loud and shouty. I've been through this before, so I know the deal. These thoughts will disappear.

For me, I need to utilize AA more, to hear the horror stories of drinking more often, to keep it fresh in my mind how bad it is.

I guess as time goes by I forget how bad it is, so I relapse. So to do things differently, I am committing to AA three times a week for the next 12 months. I am also being clear to people from the start I do not drink anymore period.

August252015

My simple answer to your last question is yes. Because that's addiction.

Once I was done, after so much devastation in every sense of the word except the last one - death - I was done. I don't have a white chip in me, so to speak. (I didn't get one the first time because I knew I was done- I just had to learn how to live and heal what was REALLY wrong) Why I finally heard & got & accepted that reality, I can't say except I am one of the lucky ones, I do believe it was a God thing, and I cannot waste this one chance.

So, I listen to people talk about the whys and wherefores in meetings, and I do everything I can, each day, to keep going til my end goal: die sober. After the best life I can have along the way.

Pondering the negative whys at length? Not constructive for me. Hear, assess, and move on quickly because I know a relapse isn't an option. To any lengths, at any costs, as the saying goes in AA.

Relapse is part of addiction, not recovery.

Tailai

Nonsensical

Probably because at one time, long ago, I could. It just seemed like I ought to be able to get back to that place. Add a generous portion of pride, confidence, and oppositional defiance, and my table was set.

It was the kobayashi maru - the unsolvable puzzle - and I was going to solve it.

I don't think too much about it anymore. I did dumb things, I learned, it's in the past. Don't stare too long in the rearview mirror - that isn't the direction you are going.

Lascaux

I know why I've relapsed so many times over the years. It's because I haven't yet succeeded in adding enough positive things to my life, so I ended up dwelling on the "good old drunk" times, no matter how much of a fallacy that was. I'm several weeks sober now (very rare for me) and feeling better about it because I'm concentrating on other things. Aside from checking into SR for support, the only alcohol thought I let myself have is "not today - if I don't do anything else today I'm going to do just this one thing."
Like several others on this string have said, the AV is a very devious thing. I'm constantly shocked by how many angles it can come up with.

CupofJoe

I also have never, ever been able to stop happily at one. I still remember the first time I had a drink. I wanted more, more, more. I've never really tried to stop at one or two, so that's never been a factor for me. Just not my experience.

That being said, I had been sober two months (the longest in my life since I had stopped drinking) and I picked up again. Why? Because my heart had been broken and I wanted the pain to end and I didn't care how. My emotions overrode my rational sense. Addiction isn't rational. (And getting emotionally involved in early sobriety was a bad idea on my part.)

The closest I've come since then was after I'd been sober almost three years. I was dating someone and when that fell apart (with some degree of cruelty on his part) I fell apart emotionally. My emotions overrode my rational thinking again. The long dormant desire to drink woke up again and I needed to drink. I didn't care what happened. I knew what was going to happen. I was going to buy a huge bottle of vodka and disappear into oblivion.

I started to plan what I was going to do and was walking to the liquor store and I knew exactly what I was going to buy. The difference this time? I called a friend and told him what I was doing. Thankfully he answered his phone and talked me off the ledge. Later I talked to another friend, who talked me down, and I went and sat in AA meetings. I was close to relapse, but it wasn't inevitable.

What I'm trying to get at is that for me, the decision to drink again wasn't coming from a place of wanting to control it. It was from a place of emotional distress and wanting to escape. I would barely call it a decision.

I think of addiction as a mental illness, at least in my experience. It's not rational and I am still shocked in retrospect at how much the desire to drink could still engulf me.

I don't think relapse is inevitable, though. Sobriety does involve commitment, action, and dedication.

Just wanted to share my perspective. Thanks for the topic.

DriGuy

This brushing aside is not necessarily a lack of humility or arrogance. It seems more like denial. No one wants to be an alcoholic. The word carries horrible baggage throughout society on the same level of "pervert." We convince ourselves we just overdo it once in a while, or try to convince ourselves that we aren't drunken slobs. At worst, it just gets away from us from time to time.

To recognize that we have to avoid alcohol altogether is a blatant admission that we are not the person we want to believe we are. Abstinence becomes a sign we carry around announcing that we failed, usually miserably so [at drinking].

Think about it. Drinking requires no special skills whatsoever. How big of a loser are you when you fail at that!? So we drink again, almost as if to prove we aren't that loser.

wiscsober

good read

Zebra1275

Why would you even think you could drink again?

I don’t.

Jules714

While I have accepted the fact that cannot drink today I have zero idea what the future holds if I stop treating my disease. A disease of the physical, mental & spiritual aspects. If I stop treating myself appropriately and frequently I open myself up to an entire smorgasbord of $#!+ going awry.
It is a daily reprieve from a disease that is cunning, baffling, powerful.
I really like what one of my friends said in a meeting;
"While I'm in here, my disease is out doing push ups in the parking lot"
Truth: people with tons of time sometimes go out having listened to their addict mind. Not all make it back.


Jules

Stayingsassy

Very good question, and it’s the crux of the problem. In AA, step one is acceptance of alcoholism. I don’t go to AA, but this step is mission critical. Because if you are alcoholic, by definition, you can’t safely drink and nothing ahead of you is going to be happy or positive if you don’t quit. In rational recovery, there is a mantra. It gets said every day, all day, all night, at every occasion....the repetitiveness of this mantra worms it’s way into your subconscious and becomes part of you. The mantra is, “I don’t drink, no matter what, and I will never change my mind.”

This statement has few words, but it carried me 18 months, and now it’s a belief system.

Do not leave the door open!! Use language every day all day that shuts down any possibility of future drinking.

I’ve been reading here a long time. Way too many chronic relapsers saying “I want to believe it’s forever but I don’t know.” Or “it’s just for now, for now I don’t drink.” Or “I really wish I could drink and I’m pretty sure I won’t make it.”

Your subconscious is listening. Tell it your intent. Make it so. Then it will become part of you.

Anything less than “never” becomes an eventual relapse, because from day one you’re making it ok to drink again. Think this addiction isn’t too powerful to overcome a “maybe?” Think again.

sydneyman

I have nil desire, craving or thought of drinking. I want what I have gained. I got no rear view mirror in my car and if I would it would be pure hell in the distance. No thank you,
I have accepted and cherish that I am a non drinker. Accepting that and moving on in my life, living an uncomplicated life. Its a priceless feeling that I never want to give up. I work daily on my sobriety. It is part of my daily ritual with morning meditation and healthy eating.
Thank you for your very varied views on my questions.

Evoo

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately — honestly I have never given up alcohol before this without the express goal of moderating or reintroducing alcohol at a later date.

A big part of it, for me, was that alcohol is so connected to things that are important to me.

• My dad has a giant bar and wine cellar in the basement
• My cousins and I have multiple traditions centered around drinking (Irish traditions)
• I have great memories drinking w/ family and friends
• I was a daily drinker for years — then weekends, then moderation — the idea of giving up alcohol permanently always felt too big, the social/personal cost too high

Things have changed recently. Even successfully moderating, I’ve realized how little I enjoy it and how destructive it is an influence in my life. Moderating drinking is very difficult — even when I can do it, it’s not worth it.

Also, I never want to struggle with alcohol around my son. And my weekends are too important. Though I’ve never let alcohol affect my work life (I’m a major workaholic)... I don’t have the luxury of “checking out” whenever I have a free night or weekend. In fact, I would be missing out or blunting the experience of fatherhood, and that would be unforgivable.

Also I did a FODMAP diet and alcohol is a serious trigger for my Crohn’s disease. The idea of staying in remission is also a HUGE motivator.

My AV is still pretty loud. But I’m working through it.

SIB

I think after years of sobriety a person may drink just like a modern plane crash happens. Many things have to go wrong for it to occur.

sydneyman

Evoo.. Check out Craig Becks "Alcohol lied to me" it will give you a different view on alcohol. Very interesting.
A "normal" person does not need to moderate their drinking. They drink when they want one. They don't obsess about the next time they can drink again. For a normal person the space between drinks can be days to weeks. When we try to moderate we set days for drinking. That's not normal. That's addiction

Epictetus

Well I think if I haven't learned that lesson now, after the last twenty four hours of a mess, I will never learn it. The message has got to be crystal clear and nailed in.

I take a drink, I slip into a prison and all I don't want to happen will happen. I've proved it enough. There won't be another outcome.

I don't take that first drink and avoid intoxicants, I put myself on the sober route and the path to freedom.

Life is teaching me a lesson and I've not been listening.

noaddedsugar

For me I think it just comes down to denial and not wanting to accept having a problem. As someone else said it's also remembering the good times I had while drinking (before it became a problem) and yearning for that again. Definitely that feeling of if I was able to do it then then why can't I do it now? I am coming more around to the idea that I wouldn't want to moderate now even if I could because the feeling of being intoxicated even slightly just isn't appealling to me anyway. I guess I would liken alcohol to an old friend that I've realised is actually my enemy but I still kinda miss the good times with them y'know? I'm also in mourning in a way when I think of special occasions that revolve around drinking and imagine them without alcohol. It's the sheer indignity of thinking WHY ME? I think many will have that thought pattern of it just not being fair and if other people can drink then I bloody well will do it too..

BUT I won't. My relationship with alcohol will always be toxic. One drink is too many and a thousand will never be enough..

Stayingsassy

This gets a lot of people. Returning to a familiar coping mechanism, no matter how much it bites you back.

I had to remove drinking from the equation. So if I felt emotional pain, there was no drinking option available.

I’ve been in the worst pain imaginable lately. My dad died in January, and I have guilt, regret and pain tied up in my grief. It’s been unimaginable. I really can’t remember a time when I’ve hurt worse.

I couldn’t drink because I removed drinking. So I cried a lot. Went over the last week of his life, over and over and over again. Beat myself up emotionally quite a bit. Did a ton of fasting (that was the most helpful). Talked and raged with my mom a lot. Holed up with my tablet and watched too many movies. When my thoughts of him wouldn’t stop at home, i worked more, even though working reminded me of his death and made me cry even more. I exercised a lot.

I didn’t drink, though. That’s not an accomplishment. Drinking simply wasn’t available for me. I had removed it as an option the day I quit.

sydneyman

I am sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents at the age of 69. Both from horrible incurable diseases. My biggest regret was going through my mothers illness drunk and being totally drunk at her funeral. She never saw me sober since my teens. Perhaps the drinking was a coping mechanism I do not know. Perhaps it was an excuse. Perhaps a mixture of both.
I know that removing the bottle is the only option for my survival and well being. I don't feel that I am missing out though on the contrary I have gained my life back the way it was intended to be with its ups and downs.

Stayingsassy

Thank you. It seems no matter how it happens, there will be regrets. I have plenty even though I was sober. There’s always this intense and overwhelming mix of emotions and when you love someone that much, none of it feels good.

I had to remove the bottle, too. But I didn’t remove it because I wanted to be present for my parents, or for anyone else. At the time that I quit, I simply needed to quit. I quit for me, even though scores of people in my life have benefitted. I quit for my own peace and relief. Congrats on removing the bottle, yourself.