Going from serial relapser to staying sober - changes that made a difference.
saoutchik
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Going from serial relapser to staying sober - changes that made a difference.
Let be start by saying I am not cured, I am still an alcoholic, of course but I have been sober for a shade over 4 years and 2 months which is over 4 years longer than my many previous failed attempts.
In 2014 it dawned on me that I could not overcome my craving for alcohol by force of will nor was I going to be able to attain a state of mind whereby I could ignore my cravings.
My personality is such that I did not have any confidence in things like mindfulness (digression - actually I do think mindfulness is effective, i'm just no good at it) AA was OK but I spend all day talking to people for my job and so I was not much of a contributor and like so many others I could never quite work the HP thing into a real conviction. Lastly because of my age and upbringing I am not very new-age'y and possibly closed myself off from asistance through spirituality. In my mind I was not going to get sober by sitting cross legged and chanting "Om."
So, I was in a bad place. My best efforts in 2014 were 17 days at the start of January and 23 in October. I cannot begin to tell you how frightening it is to think that you are going to lose your life to alcohol. Well, perhaps some of you reading this do know how that feels.
In the couple of months after my October relapse I was mostly either drunk or hungover but during the few lucid moments my thoughts coalesced around the need NOT to have to endure the strong cravings in the evenings after work (I could cope with the afternoon ones)
I ended up taking the drastic step of shifting my entire day forward by roughly two and a quarter hours which included a minimum of an hours exercise fairly soon after waking - come what may. And it worked. That followed by a days work, cooking and chores I would fall gratefully into bed at 9pm having only endured say, 10% of my normal cravings. There are of course other benefits to exercise in terms of mood enhancement which I'm sure helps reduce the cravings so there is a virtuous circle thing going on too.
I think the conclusions that it has taken me a long time to arrive at is that you really can reduce those cravings to something managable but to do it you really need to forensically analyse the times of your own drinking/wanting to drink and then think of an action that will neutralise those cravings.
My method worked for me as I was an evening drinker (mostly) but i'm sure people can think of other ways that suited their own pattern of drinking.
Another thing that occurs is that serial relapsers are also serial try-ers so don't be hard on yourself but do be hard on making changes the next time.
In 2014 it dawned on me that I could not overcome my craving for alcohol by force of will nor was I going to be able to attain a state of mind whereby I could ignore my cravings.
My personality is such that I did not have any confidence in things like mindfulness (digression - actually I do think mindfulness is effective, i'm just no good at it) AA was OK but I spend all day talking to people for my job and so I was not much of a contributor and like so many others I could never quite work the HP thing into a real conviction. Lastly because of my age and upbringing I am not very new-age'y and possibly closed myself off from asistance through spirituality. In my mind I was not going to get sober by sitting cross legged and chanting "Om."
So, I was in a bad place. My best efforts in 2014 were 17 days at the start of January and 23 in October. I cannot begin to tell you how frightening it is to think that you are going to lose your life to alcohol. Well, perhaps some of you reading this do know how that feels.
In the couple of months after my October relapse I was mostly either drunk or hungover but during the few lucid moments my thoughts coalesced around the need NOT to have to endure the strong cravings in the evenings after work (I could cope with the afternoon ones)
I ended up taking the drastic step of shifting my entire day forward by roughly two and a quarter hours which included a minimum of an hours exercise fairly soon after waking - come what may. And it worked. That followed by a days work, cooking and chores I would fall gratefully into bed at 9pm having only endured say, 10% of my normal cravings. There are of course other benefits to exercise in terms of mood enhancement which I'm sure helps reduce the cravings so there is a virtuous circle thing going on too.
I think the conclusions that it has taken me a long time to arrive at is that you really can reduce those cravings to something managable but to do it you really need to forensically analyse the times of your own drinking/wanting to drink and then think of an action that will neutralise those cravings.
My method worked for me as I was an evening drinker (mostly) but i'm sure people can think of other ways that suited their own pattern of drinking.
Another thing that occurs is that serial relapsers are also serial try-ers so don't be hard on yourself but do be hard on making changes the next time.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Originally Posted by DarklingSong 
"Another thing that occurs is that serial relapsers are also serial try-ers so don't be hard on yourself but do be hard on making changes the next time".
Thank you Sao, as always.
Thank you Sao, as always.
There’s a great book called “Atomic Habits” that addresses the working systems of habit change. It has helped me a great deal in managing my day to day life, which needless to say, involves managing sobriety.
Saoutchik would you say it is as simple as making a plan, keeping busy, staving off boredom?
saoutchik
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
I probably spent too much of that post on how I personally got sober. I am not the most fluent of writers. My intention was not so much to say "look at me, I got sober" but to encourage those people like me, who failed on numerous occasions to keep trying and to keep looking into yourself to find that change from before that will make a difference. I really wish I had done that sooner than the age of 54.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by saoutchik
I probably spent too much of that post on how I personally got sober. I am not the most fluent of writers. My intention was not so much to say "look at me, I got sober" but to encourage those people like me, who failed on numerous occasions to keep trying and to keep looking into yourself to find that change from before that will make a difference. I really wish I had done that sooner than the age of 54.
From what you're saying, it sounds like you created a full day, with no time left over for drinking and with your work shifted to the time of day where you craved the most. I had few problems during the day at work also, but my work hours were scheduled for me. I fought hangovers during work hours, but after work it was katy-bar-the-door and drink till I went to sleep, usually on the couch.
The other thing I picked up is that 4 years ago, you got serious, both in finding something that worked, and I suspect by committing to a sober life at a much deeper level than before. Sometimes a non-traditional approach is something alcoholics have to do. Your's seem very logical, especially about shifting your hours to the part of the day where you used to drink.
I have a feeling you've done it this time. 4 years is a solid. You know what you have to do to maintain a normal life now. Cravings at 10% is something you can shrug off, and I'm confident you can get them down to zero.
Congratulations.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Hi saouchick, thanks for your post. This is the exact question I have been thinking about. I have managed 20 days, 30 , 40, 72 (my record) over and over again and am currently on a day 66. I'm hoping that it will stick this time.
My thinking has recently progressed. I now realise how incredibly sensitive I am to alcohol and so now comprehend how damaging to my wellbeing that even a 'slip' of one or two drinks would be. I'm trying to hold on to this thinking with both hands....
I'd be interested to here from others here how they made the change from serial relapser to forever sober... what more should we be doing?
My thinking has recently progressed. I now realise how incredibly sensitive I am to alcohol and so now comprehend how damaging to my wellbeing that even a 'slip' of one or two drinks would be. I'm trying to hold on to this thinking with both hands....
I'd be interested to here from others here how they made the change from serial relapser to forever sober... what more should we be doing?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Originally Posted by saoutchik
I probably spent too much of that post on how I personally got sober. I am not the most fluent of writers. My intention was not so much to say "look at me, I got sober" but to encourage those people like me, who failed on numerous occasions to keep trying and to keep looking into yourself to find that change from before that will make a difference. I really wish I had done that sooner than the age of 54.
As always, thanks for your posts. You are a valuable contributor here.
I wish you many more years of sobriety...and happiness.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
My doctor telling me straight up that I'm in stage 4 liver failure and my kidneys are also failing....that was enough to never make me want alcohol again. It may be too late for me to save my life, but I'm at least going to live the rest of my days SOBER!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Great post, thanks! Congrats on 4 years.
I had also been a serial relapser for years and I wonder if the same thing happened to you that happened to me.
Drinking alcohol used to be a huge part of my identity. I was the girl who could hold her liquor like the guys and was (unfortunately) proud of how I drank.
Then when I tried to get sober and couldn't seem to manage it, I started to shift my identity. No longer a drinker, but not quite sober, I started to think of myself as someone who couldn't stay sober. It also became part of my identity. I couldn't relate to people who had managed to kick it. My new identity was that of a serial-relapser.
Part of me managing sobriety long term was also about accepting a new identity as a sober person. That was surprisingly difficult. I just wonder sometimes how many other people who struggled had that problem.
Like you, I'm also proof that you can move from being a serial relapser to someone with long-term sobriety.
Sorry to hijack your thread! I really enjoyed reading your post.
I had also been a serial relapser for years and I wonder if the same thing happened to you that happened to me.
Drinking alcohol used to be a huge part of my identity. I was the girl who could hold her liquor like the guys and was (unfortunately) proud of how I drank.
Then when I tried to get sober and couldn't seem to manage it, I started to shift my identity. No longer a drinker, but not quite sober, I started to think of myself as someone who couldn't stay sober. It also became part of my identity. I couldn't relate to people who had managed to kick it. My new identity was that of a serial-relapser.
Part of me managing sobriety long term was also about accepting a new identity as a sober person. That was surprisingly difficult. I just wonder sometimes how many other people who struggled had that problem.
Like you, I'm also proof that you can move from being a serial relapser to someone with long-term sobriety.
Sorry to hijack your thread! I really enjoyed reading your post.
saoutchik
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Originally Posted by WhoDeyPI
My doctor telling me straight up that I'm in stage 4 liver failure and my kidneys are also failing....that was enough to never make me want alcohol again. It may be too late for me to save my life, but I'm at least going to live the rest of my days SOBER!
Wow that must have been hard WhoDey! It is not too late to save your life though - the liver is an amazing organ and it is still reversible at stage 4 as long as you don't drink. All the best to you.
saoutchik
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Thanks for all the great posts and please by all means "hijack" the thread as CupofJoe put it - the more examples of serial relapsers who came good the better.
What I take from it is don't stop looking for ways to quit. Addiction is all about chemical imbalances in our brain and sometimes we can adapt ourselves so that we avoid them striking us at the worst time causing us to drink. Perhaps too hopelessness forces us to become unflinching in seeking a way out.
What I take from it is don't stop looking for ways to quit. Addiction is all about chemical imbalances in our brain and sometimes we can adapt ourselves so that we avoid them striking us at the worst time causing us to drink. Perhaps too hopelessness forces us to become unflinching in seeking a way out.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,474
.
First, that's one fine Strategy you created, Sao: one that works! For the only Person working to remain Sober: you. Hold that thought, Ladies and Gents; it's all about you.
Early on in January 2014, my State of what is clinically described as 'Persistent Stupor' was well established. 42 Years of increasingly-toxic Alcohol abuse leads to an Altered State. Continuously downing a 1.75 Liter 'Handle' of Vodka every 2 Days will do that to ya. I had 3 such Handles stashed in various hiding spots; including one in my SUV. I could head out early in the Day to the Dog Park, and get my Drinking Party started early. Primarily to stave off the shakes. I was in a fully-wrecked condition all the time, but learned to compensate for it. Some. My point here is that I began my own Recovery in perhaps a dismal a State as many here. With that in mind, here's a few tricks I developed for myself...
1. Yogis, and even the Magician Harry Houdini, did amazing things. By studying and emulating Yogis, Houdini also slowed his Heart Rate - and reduced his Oxygen consumption significantly - via disciplined Mental Control. He could pull off tricks while locked in Cages underwater, and buy time to pick Locks on Chains and Cages to escape before drowning. My premise, and experience in other matters requiring significant discipline, is that my Mind was not something to be left at the Door to sober up. Indeed, after a few Weeks of willing myself off stupidly-voluminous Vodka consumption, I could incrementally tackle the challenges my New Life presented. I, too, changed my daily routine; a task made easier via Early Retirement. One advantage: there can't be Work-related Stress if you're not working. Or, Marital Stress if you're happily Married.
2. For a while, I avoided Drinking-based Socializing. Being older, and a bit of an Introvert, this wasn't the challenge it might have been were I younger, or still in the World of mandatory Business Dinners.
Critical to me was to buy myself time to develop new Patterns, and have Sober Socializing [among other things] become The New Normal.
3. SR - discovered on my search a few Months into Sobriety - was precisely what I needed insofar as gaining perspective on building my own Sober Life. I cultivated a lot of new ideas, and easily culled out those approaches that would never have worked for Introverted me. Checking into SR via Phone while in line at the Market, or at the Dog Park, provided invaluable support. Posting was Therapy.
4. To this Day, I'm big on distraction. Research Stories read on line. Take plenty of Pictures of anything interesting. Listen to Music. Anything to get out of my formerly-sotted Head. These cumulative episodes of momentary distraction led to me seeing that a Sober Life was achievable and desirable. Things that feel better are intrinsically attractive, and more-easily repeated over time. This was the case with more time Sober.
5. By separating out my AV as not being 'The Real Me', i could muscle through the less-frequent cravings without caving to them. Yah, this is difficult initially, but I was at a point of do or die. Food was not staying down. I was dry heaving in my morning Showers. I was passing Blood periodically. I'll leave out graphic descriptions of other Bodily degradation.
The over-arching Bottom Line: ya gotta want Sobriety more than not. From that honed Mental State comes resistance to sabotaging myself. Personally, I think this is a POV that can be tapped from within without extra-Terrestrial forces. Sobriety is a [my] Mental Game, IMO. Control the Mind -> control my BAC [to zero] while building a new, far-better Life I'd never thought possible, or even wanted when younger. Mastering The Mental Game is what put an end to the few Relapses I'd put myself through, while establishing hope that Sobriety was mine to command. You can't lust after that which you don't want anymore, and I compartmentalized the Persistent Stupor of Alcohol ingestion into that Category. In a like manner, I don't cheat on my Wife of 42 Years. Or, steal Money from a Pal's Wallet left on his Coffee Table. Or, kick my beloved Dog. I can't imagine waking up daily, and having to question whether I'll kick my Dog that Day. So, why would I do that with Alcohol? It was easier to adopt the binary position of never drinking again. No matter what. Coping Skills learned over time make this 'No Alcohol Ever' position easier to execute for Life.
I've misplaced the Link to a Government Study authoritatively concluding that some 70% of us recover without any formal Program. That truism is borne out in my Life. At Dog Parks, or RV Parks, I meet all kinda Folks of varied ages who similarly mustered the resolve to quit. It's not that they weren't 'true Alcoholics'. They were, just as I was. Such Folks, out in what I call 'The Sober Sphere', were a basis for me tweaking my personal approach to Sobriety For Life. I encourage Folks to develop their own Tool Kit to remain Sober, and - like Sao - tweak it over time.
I don't refer to, or think about, being perpetually 'in Recovery'. I'm Recovered. This doesn't lead to me getting sloppy, or thinking I can drink ever again. Yes, I'm mildly vigilant; acknowledging that I'm a full-on Addict. That self-sabotaging behavior, or coping mechanism, is dead, and put to Bed. I'm lazy. So, it's now self-perpetuating to keep it simple, and not *fight* drinking. Yah, it's a bit of a Mental Construct, or 'Game', but that's OK if it works. For me; the sole Person I'm interested in keeping Sober. This solid foundation has led to me reaching out occasionally to help others; so long as my own Serenity is not unduly perturbed.
.
First, that's one fine Strategy you created, Sao: one that works! For the only Person working to remain Sober: you. Hold that thought, Ladies and Gents; it's all about you.
Early on in January 2014, my State of what is clinically described as 'Persistent Stupor' was well established. 42 Years of increasingly-toxic Alcohol abuse leads to an Altered State. Continuously downing a 1.75 Liter 'Handle' of Vodka every 2 Days will do that to ya. I had 3 such Handles stashed in various hiding spots; including one in my SUV. I could head out early in the Day to the Dog Park, and get my Drinking Party started early. Primarily to stave off the shakes. I was in a fully-wrecked condition all the time, but learned to compensate for it. Some. My point here is that I began my own Recovery in perhaps a dismal a State as many here. With that in mind, here's a few tricks I developed for myself...
1. Yogis, and even the Magician Harry Houdini, did amazing things. By studying and emulating Yogis, Houdini also slowed his Heart Rate - and reduced his Oxygen consumption significantly - via disciplined Mental Control. He could pull off tricks while locked in Cages underwater, and buy time to pick Locks on Chains and Cages to escape before drowning. My premise, and experience in other matters requiring significant discipline, is that my Mind was not something to be left at the Door to sober up. Indeed, after a few Weeks of willing myself off stupidly-voluminous Vodka consumption, I could incrementally tackle the challenges my New Life presented. I, too, changed my daily routine; a task made easier via Early Retirement. One advantage: there can't be Work-related Stress if you're not working. Or, Marital Stress if you're happily Married.
2. For a while, I avoided Drinking-based Socializing. Being older, and a bit of an Introvert, this wasn't the challenge it might have been were I younger, or still in the World of mandatory Business Dinners.
Critical to me was to buy myself time to develop new Patterns, and have Sober Socializing [among other things] become The New Normal.
3. SR - discovered on my search a few Months into Sobriety - was precisely what I needed insofar as gaining perspective on building my own Sober Life. I cultivated a lot of new ideas, and easily culled out those approaches that would never have worked for Introverted me. Checking into SR via Phone while in line at the Market, or at the Dog Park, provided invaluable support. Posting was Therapy.
4. To this Day, I'm big on distraction. Research Stories read on line. Take plenty of Pictures of anything interesting. Listen to Music. Anything to get out of my formerly-sotted Head. These cumulative episodes of momentary distraction led to me seeing that a Sober Life was achievable and desirable. Things that feel better are intrinsically attractive, and more-easily repeated over time. This was the case with more time Sober.
5. By separating out my AV as not being 'The Real Me', i could muscle through the less-frequent cravings without caving to them. Yah, this is difficult initially, but I was at a point of do or die. Food was not staying down. I was dry heaving in my morning Showers. I was passing Blood periodically. I'll leave out graphic descriptions of other Bodily degradation.
The over-arching Bottom Line: ya gotta want Sobriety more than not. From that honed Mental State comes resistance to sabotaging myself. Personally, I think this is a POV that can be tapped from within without extra-Terrestrial forces. Sobriety is a [my] Mental Game, IMO. Control the Mind -> control my BAC [to zero] while building a new, far-better Life I'd never thought possible, or even wanted when younger. Mastering The Mental Game is what put an end to the few Relapses I'd put myself through, while establishing hope that Sobriety was mine to command. You can't lust after that which you don't want anymore, and I compartmentalized the Persistent Stupor of Alcohol ingestion into that Category. In a like manner, I don't cheat on my Wife of 42 Years. Or, steal Money from a Pal's Wallet left on his Coffee Table. Or, kick my beloved Dog. I can't imagine waking up daily, and having to question whether I'll kick my Dog that Day. So, why would I do that with Alcohol? It was easier to adopt the binary position of never drinking again. No matter what. Coping Skills learned over time make this 'No Alcohol Ever' position easier to execute for Life.
I've misplaced the Link to a Government Study authoritatively concluding that some 70% of us recover without any formal Program. That truism is borne out in my Life. At Dog Parks, or RV Parks, I meet all kinda Folks of varied ages who similarly mustered the resolve to quit. It's not that they weren't 'true Alcoholics'. They were, just as I was. Such Folks, out in what I call 'The Sober Sphere', were a basis for me tweaking my personal approach to Sobriety For Life. I encourage Folks to develop their own Tool Kit to remain Sober, and - like Sao - tweak it over time.
I don't refer to, or think about, being perpetually 'in Recovery'. I'm Recovered. This doesn't lead to me getting sloppy, or thinking I can drink ever again. Yes, I'm mildly vigilant; acknowledging that I'm a full-on Addict. That self-sabotaging behavior, or coping mechanism, is dead, and put to Bed. I'm lazy. So, it's now self-perpetuating to keep it simple, and not *fight* drinking. Yah, it's a bit of a Mental Construct, or 'Game', but that's OK if it works. For me; the sole Person I'm interested in keeping Sober. This solid foundation has led to me reaching out occasionally to help others; so long as my own Serenity is not unduly perturbed.
.
saoutchik
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
I try not to use the word but - awesome post MesaMan. I too consider myself to be recovered somewhat and although I don't get up quite as early and jog as much as I did in early recovery I still go out most mornings. Like you I no longer have to "fight" drinking but try to remain vigilant as we all know the AV is the beast you cannot kill, you can enfeeble it though.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Great thread, Sao.
Once you join SR, it doesn't take long to figure out what a treasure trove it is of helpful information. From this site, I gleaned a lot of helpful ways to get me through the tough first few months of sobriety.
My friends Mesa and Sao have offered wonderful insights here, with others joining in. I'll add my remembrances from the early days of sobriety.
Quitting drinking is really hard and in the midst of it, I found myself bouncing all over the spectrum. Hating myself for waiting so long to try and get sober. I was 50. Living in hope that the rest of my life could be lived free from addiction. And everything in between. When I read posts from newcomers on SR, so many of them feel as though they could have been my own.
I offer that as a preface because I know that what I'm going to say next can be met with skepticism.
Don't forget to laugh.
Honestly? One of the things that helped me get sober was at the time, some cable channel was playing back-to-back episodes of "Frasier" for much of the evening. The writers and actors are in a TV pantheon of talent.
It helped SO MUCH to let my racing mind just rest and enjoy laughter. Good, old-fashioned, straight from the belly laughter.
Most people have a similar love, be it in literature or film or television. Give yourself that gift.
Once you join SR, it doesn't take long to figure out what a treasure trove it is of helpful information. From this site, I gleaned a lot of helpful ways to get me through the tough first few months of sobriety.
My friends Mesa and Sao have offered wonderful insights here, with others joining in. I'll add my remembrances from the early days of sobriety.
Quitting drinking is really hard and in the midst of it, I found myself bouncing all over the spectrum. Hating myself for waiting so long to try and get sober. I was 50. Living in hope that the rest of my life could be lived free from addiction. And everything in between. When I read posts from newcomers on SR, so many of them feel as though they could have been my own.
I offer that as a preface because I know that what I'm going to say next can be met with skepticism.
Don't forget to laugh.
Honestly? One of the things that helped me get sober was at the time, some cable channel was playing back-to-back episodes of "Frasier" for much of the evening. The writers and actors are in a TV pantheon of talent.
It helped SO MUCH to let my racing mind just rest and enjoy laughter. Good, old-fashioned, straight from the belly laughter.
Most people have a similar love, be it in literature or film or television. Give yourself that gift.
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