tunes109

Hi everyone,
I am in shock and I dont know what to think or feel..and I have been seeing this one for almost every day... I am new in Vietnam and he lives here. I have been dating this guy for 3 months, and he seems to be addicted to alcohol. He disappeared one time for 4 days and also today I have not heard from him. So I came to his house, he is Irish and lives in Vietnam in a rented apartment, and he was home but he locked the door which is unusual. So the cleaning lady opened the door for me and I saw a girl and him in the room smoking weed and drinking. I told him I will collect all my stuff and we talked outside. He kept saying he does not want to talk and I should leave. When I told him to tell the girl to leave who was all this time sitting in his room ( we had to talk outside) he told no I should leave because he will go with her and the other friends to go drinking.
I cannot believe what I put myself in. And he claimed he didnt do anything with her and the other friends left before, but I am just so confused, hurt and said goodbye.
How do I best deal with this now? I am new in this country and we spent almost every day together and we connect well except for this. And in a way he did cheat already, he didnt send her home but me and why did he lock the door?
Now it has been 2 days and he did not even contact me...its like he doesnt care after saying goodbye then!!! Did he cheat? does he even think about me? does he really not care at all? is he even sad i left him? i dont know what to do now... i wish he would come back and apologize and ask me to get back. just not to have this terrible ending.

I dont know what to do and how to heal...
Thank you so much
all the best

lessgravity

Sorry that this happened to you, but with 3 months in sounds like you're getting out easy and without the pain of a longer relationship with a man like that.
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tunes109

Thank you you are right I know, but he is such a sweet guy when he is sober. And it was quite intense at least for me because I have been just with him almost every day... and now i feel like i have to leave this place and country because everything here reminds me of him. do you think I can ask him to talk ? why does he not get back to me? did he want me to leave? i dont understand

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you are in this position. you deserve so much better. Please don't let alcohol be used as an excuse for his bad behaviour. Some men (and women) are just unfaithful, cheat or bad people whether they have alcohol or not.

I would say you have made your feelings clear. Please don't beg him to talk to you. Maintain your dignity and self respect. you may never understand or get the answers you want and you can't make him talk to you.

Please look after yourself and start afresh.

tunes109

Am i naive or something? Do you think he was going to cheat with her? she was not very attractive and he said so himself when i confronted him.
And he told me he never cheated on his girlfriends. I dont believe it... really so is this the end and i will never find out? oh god

ReadyAtLast

I have no idea if he has been unfaithful but if my husband/bf refused to talk to me when he could see i was distressed then I would know he didn't care about me or have my best interests at heart.

tunes109

he said he was drunk and stoned and just wants another drink and go drinking. i dont know anything about addicts and what they think or feel. but im just shocked he doesnt even think about me now

RollMeAway

ScottFromWI

Unfortunately addiction is a very selfish thing tunes. Drinking/using becomes the most important thing in their lives, even above and beyond their families, friends, jobs, etc. Some even value getting high or drunk more than they value being alive and actually die from it.

That doesn't mean that people cannot quit and overcome it - many do. But it has to be a decision they make themselves - AKA no one can cure or save them if they aren't willing do what it takes on their own.

The ugly truth though is that there are more who don't quit for good than those who do - so you need to take care of yourself and move on as much as it hurts to do so.

Evoo

I have a big piece of advice for you.

I also traveled through Asia for years and taught English.

Don’t get caught up in the petty social drama of other foreigners. Anyone who would treat someone with the kind of disrespect and dismissal he did you is not worth a moment’s time.

I know it’s often hard to see that.

Forget him. Focus in on yourself, your time in Vietnam, make meaningful relationships and friendships with Vietnamese people (you will have those for life) and don’t miss out on all the incredible experiences you can have right there without him (or any dude). His real or perceived alcohol issues aside — they aren’t your problem.

You deserve better than that.

tomsteve

for that reason i encourage you to visit both eht eF&F of substance abusers forum here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/

and the F&F of alcoholics forum here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

and read around. theres some good reading in the stickies at the top of both forums.

you can learn a lot about the alkie/addict but that wont change them. theres absolutely no way to control or cure and alcohlic/addict.

as hard as this may be for ya, youre very fortunate this has occured rather quickly and youre reaching out now rather than waiting years.

Broncosys

Run away. Don't walk, run run run. I am so sorry you are hurting but you are getting out of this cheap. You could be doing this 10 years from now which would be a tragedy. Get movin on down the road.

PennyLane76

Hi Tunes. I'm sorry that happened to you. What a tough experience.
What you saw in that room would have been your future with him; over and over and over. That's how it is with addicts. The addiction comes 1st, always.

I know it doesnt seem like it's a good thing he wont talk to you, but is. Its a blessing in disguise you found out before investing more of yourself in him. Hopefully he will get help one day, but he has to want to do it for himself, not for anyone else.

I'm sure you will be able to make new friends that bring positive things to your life. Breakups are hard in any situation but just know you may have dodged a bullet here.

take care of yourself

Bonniefloyd

tunes109

Thank you everyone very much, i appreciate you taking the time to answer and care. I will have to talk to him (im sorry im so stubborn and probably insane or codependent) and i think i will leave this place because everything reminds me of us. but nevertheless, i know i cant be with him and he is bad for me.

Anna

He is telling you who he is. I hope that you are hearing what he is saying. He is an addict and a cheater. Consider yourself lucky to find this out after 3 months. Treat yourself well by staying away from him and moving on.

CRRHCC

Take a deep breath, open your eyes and see the forest through the trees. Your choice is obvious.

tunes109

least

You deserve better than someone like him. Walk away and start living your life for you.

tunes109