Notices

Heartbroken, my alcoholic boyfriend left me ...

Old 03-03-2019, 03:02 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he won't give you the closure you seek. he will likely deny everything, if he is even willing to talk to you at all. sometimes we just have to walk away, leave it, and let it be.

you did not have a very long time with him, and it takes time to start to really SEE people for who they are. he's shown you that he has other priorities. he asked you to leave. it is probably in your best interests to accept that and not go back for more.

did you move to vietnam to be with him?
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 03:12 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
I will read the messages with the girl if that’s what it takes to find out the truth. He is used to that his ex Gf did it already. No but I dates him pretty much from the time I came here. I was not willing to stay in Vietnam for long as I am only visiting family and I have a small remote job. I wanted to apply for a better job but I have found myself being devoting so much time with him. I think I can take a break go somewhere else to heal and come back if I need to. If he will not want to talk to me then I will see it as it is then.
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 05:36 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Sorry that this happened to you, but with 3 months in sounds like you're getting out easy and without the pain of a longer relationship with a man like that.
​​​
Agree.
Pippo is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 05:42 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 82
Not my place to say, but 3 months seems like an awfully short time to be as attached to somebody as you seem to have become, sweet guy or not.

My ex was like that, although not an addict. She would ghost me for days at a time, and come back making lame excuses.

Such people usually never learn to be accountable, addicted or otherwise.
Pippo is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 08:12 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
I will write him today and ask if he wants to talk then I know and can stop wondering. Depending on how honest and open he will be, would it be appropriate to say when the time has come he needs help or a friend I can be there? I read that in addiction loved ones posts. and not to blame etc, but i did blame him in front of that door that was awful i need to get it out of my system now, just get to the bottom of the truth
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 08:21 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Fearlessat50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,946
Hi Tunes, regardless of whether he cheated with the other gal, you don’t want to be with this guy. He’s got an alcohol problem. Yes, he may be very seeet when he’s sober. But we are all better people when sober. When people are in the throes of addiction, it brings out the worst in them. Even if he Intends to get sober, which is couldnt tell, it’s not good to start out a relationship this way.

Focus on yourself and what is best for you and move on. Please don’t take any of his behavior personally. It’s just the addiction talking. People don’t think rationally in active addiction
Fearlessat50 is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 09:04 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 View Post
Hi Tunes, regardless of whether he cheated with the other gal, you don’t want to be with this guy. He’s got an alcohol problem. Yes, he may be very seeet when he’s sober. But we are all better people when sober. When people are in the throes of addiction, it brings out the worst in them. Even if he Intends to get sober, which is couldnt tell, it’s not good to start out a relationship this way.

Focus on yourself and what is best for you and move on. Please don’t take any of his behavior personally. It’s just the addiction talking. People don’t think rationally in active addiction
thank you. and that is because i like to hear how he explains himself when hes sober. but the fact that he doesnt seek me out hurts even more meaning he doesnt really care about me.
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-03-2019, 10:04 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
Hi Tunes

I think you've gotten good advice here. I hope you can move on and find someone you deserve to be with

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 03-04-2019, 03:39 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bonniefloyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Okay, you are determined to speak with someone who doesn’t show signs of wanting to speak with you. What are you hoping he’ll say? Would you like him to lie and pretend he cares? Or would you prefer honesty, and have him tell you straight up that he doesn’t care about you?

Will his words make any difference? You already have every ounce of information you need.

This is someone who is not worthy of your friendship or anything else from you. My friends have never treated me that way. My friends all like and care about me. This is my minimum expectation for people who I allow into my life. And I don’t accept excuses. Alcoholics can have my understanding and empathy, but if they don’t even care about me, I leave them be.

And my husband is the person who cares about me as much as he cares for himself, if not more. He would never behave indifferently to my hurt feelings. Otherwise he would’ve been out of my life years ago.

I dont know you, but you sound nice. You don’t deserve to be treated with indifference or contempt. I have two daughters and a son, and I would be very sad if someone treated them this way.

But go on and try to have whatever “closure” you need — i don’t get it, but I respect other people’s choices. I just hope you’ll find a way to walk away with your head held high, whether you get your closure or not.

Take care of yourself, okay?
Bonniefloyd is offline  
Old 03-04-2019, 04:39 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
Tunes, I am sorry you are hurting. It's hard to tell but are you very young? Is this your first relationship. If so I can relate. My first boyfriend I had when I was young did something very similar. And he died from alcoholism a few decades later.
KissMyTiara is offline  
Old 03-04-2019, 09:41 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd View Post
Okay, you are determined to speak with someone who doesn’t show signs of wanting to speak with you. What are you hoping he’ll say? Would you like him to lie and pretend he cares? Or would you prefer honesty, and have him tell you straight up that he doesn’t care about you?

Will his words make any difference? You already have every ounce of information you need.

This is someone who is not worthy of your friendship or anything else from you. My friends have never treated me that way. My friends all like and care about me. This is my minimum expectation for people who I allow into my life. And I don’t accept excuses. Alcoholics can have my understanding and empathy, but if they don’t even care about me, I leave them be.

And my husband is the person who cares about me as much as he cares for himself, if not more. He would never behave indifferently to my hurt feelings. Otherwise he would’ve been out of my life years ago.

I dont know you, but you sound nice. You don’t deserve to be treated with indifference or contempt. I have two daughters and a son, and I would be very sad if someone treated them this way.

But go on and try to have whatever “closure” you need — i don’t get it, but I respect other people’s choices. I just hope you’ll find a way to walk away with your head held high, whether you get your closure or not.

Take care of yourself, okay?
ok he got back to me and said hes sorry and felt bad for telling me to leave and hes willing to talk. I just really wanna get to the bottom of the truth about the girl. i have some jealousy issues and was never cheated on. thank you for your answer. i prefer honesty, totally, i wish he will tell me the truth, and i will insist on reading that girls messages to find out if i was completey wrong about him. But dont addicts not care about anyone? they cant if they dont even care about themselves... no?
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-04-2019, 09:42 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by KissMyTiara View Post
Tunes, I am sorry you are hurting. It's hard to tell but are you very young? Is this your first relationship. If so I can relate. My first boyfriend I had when I was young did something very similar. And he died from alcoholism a few decades later.
no im not so young... but i think i have some love issues, as i have been with narcisissts and a psychopath before and im kind of a late bloomer too
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-05-2019, 12:54 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just really wanna get to the bottom of the truth about the girl. i have some jealousy issues and was never cheated on.
So the bigger emphasis is on the girl? With the drinking/pot smoking/disappearing/discounting your feelings/ignoring you for days, being secondary?

Then I guess it comes down to ego vs respect, you are the only one who gets to choose which is more important to you.
atalose is offline  
Old 03-05-2019, 01:11 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Dating an alcoholic in a foreign country....sorry but like others have said...RUN.
WhoDeyPI is offline  
Old 03-05-2019, 01:20 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bonniefloyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Originally Posted by tunes109 View Post
no im not so young... but i think i have some love issues, as i have been with narcisissts and a psychopath before and im kind of a late bloomer too
Oh wow, I’m really sorry to hear that you have a pattern with toxic men. It’s so sad that you haven’t learned to protect yourself from these kinds of people. I’m not trying to be patronizing; sorry if it sounds that way. I honestly am very sad for you. What is it about them that you find attractive?

Also, I agree with the previous response about your emphasis being on the girl. I don’t see why she’s the issue, considering all the other giant red flags waving around.

Since this is a pattern for you, have you considered reaching out for help? Choosing toxic relationships over healthy ones is a type of self-destructive behavior. There are things you can do to break the pattern. I hope you will.
Bonniefloyd is offline  
Old 03-11-2019, 01:57 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
I spent the entire weekend with him and last week I spent almost every day with him as well. And Two times after coming home I couldnt help but sleeping for hours. I feel so energetically drained. We are having a good time together. And I dont know how you can tell if he is sucking my energy. he also deleted all the messages between him and that girl and he told me that they were talking about getting drugs and he doesnt want me to read that...
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-11-2019, 02:16 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Purplrks3647's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,755
(((Tunes))) Sending lots of hugs your way.....guys can be such jerks! I've been a magnet for toxic people in the past.....it takes what feels like forever but I'm finally focusing on myself. You deserve so much better ~ good thing it was only three months and not a whole lot longer!

I just read your post above.....yes you're exactly right ~ he's draining your energy....best to get away and stay away, or he'll just continue messing with your head!
Purplrks3647 is offline  
Old 03-11-2019, 02:22 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Guest
 
ReadyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
It's not healthy to spend so much time with 1 person.

You are in a foreign country - it is a great opportunity to seethe sights, meet new people and explore. not spend all your time with a man who has no respect for you and who doesn't care for you or your feelings. He will continue to treat you badly as long as you allow him to. If you don't respect yourself of believe you deserve to be treated properly then he won't respect you.
ReadyAtLast is offline  
Old 03-11-2019, 07:01 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
Hi

He said he is talking about meth with the girl that’s why he didn’t want me to read. And they were all taking meth that night it occurred. I’m a bit shocked ... he claims he takes it every 6 months so nothing big but ... don’t know how that is true
tunes109 is offline  
Old 03-11-2019, 07:02 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 17
Thank u

[QUOTE=Purplrks3647;7141679](((Tunes))) Sending lots of hugs your way.....guys can be such jerks! I've been a magnet for toxic people in the past.....it takes what feels like forever but I'm finally focusing on myself. You deserve so much better ~ good thing it was only three months and not a whole lot longer!

I just read your post above.....yes you're exactly right ~ he's draining your energy....best to get away and stay away, or he'll just continue messing with your head!

thank you so I am sick now I was sleeping all day when I came back home and I have fever and feel weak. I think it is psychological as I have a pretty good immune Systeme and I always got sick when I was stressed
tunes109 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:01 AM.